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@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot cover
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

callunavulgaris

@[email protected]

UK. Rural mum, part-time archaeology bod, faithful helpmeet to large hairy husband. Mildly/probably/borderline autistic. Slave to Scottish rugby, 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 tendencies. Exile. Earnest, apparently. tootfinder

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GayDeceiver , to random
@GayDeceiver@mstdn.social avatar

Some lessons I learned after being in a bunch of weddings:

• Hydrate the newlyweds
• Feed the newlyweds
• Have sticky tape with you
• Tape the card to the present
• Do not leave the newlywed’s side and have the wedding party help
• Before the ceremony, your job is to keep the groom calm and hydrated
• Before the ceremony, your job is to keep any of the groom’s friends from putting ideas in his head
• Professional photographer, the most expensive you can afford.

How about you? Any advice?

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@GayDeceiver As the weird neurodivergent people who are hard to slot in to a table plan, be prepared to be sat next to the most boring man on earth, their princess 10 year old daughter and the wife who lives vicariously through the daughter. Sheesh. I've been to some great weddings (one at a fabulous Greek church in London and reception at the Hotel Cafe Royal sticks in my mind) but that one was dull til the thunder and lightning started and we all had a good excuse to move 😆 @actuallyautistic

chevalier26 , to actuallyautistic
@chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic
Read an article recently that claimed autistic individuals are less likely to succumb to marketing and impulse buying. I think this is true about myself.

I am aware that AuDHD can often work against this, and make shopping a dreadful experience because of the push and pull of "wanting" but not "needing" something. I'd love to hear y'all's experiences/opinions.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-fallible-mind/201708/why-advertising-falls-flat-in-individuals-autism

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic Funnily enough I identified recently that I'm not much swayed by advertising and will always make my own decisions based on information. I tend to make swift decisions - if an item fits what I'm looking for then I don't really shop around as I can't stand the level of detail involved. My ADHD husband is never happier than when researching so he gets that job if we have a big purchase to make! Sometimes I do buy on impulse but that's the flipside of my usual care.

kkffoo , to actuallyautistic
@kkffoo@mastodon.social avatar

I found this way of looking at autistic and allistic communication preferences quite clear and interesting. https://youtu.be/H6Wf8Q3e6lg?si=acKu3fQaGPyEy9bf
@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@joshourisman @kkffoo @actuallyautistic If I ever doubt that I'm properly autistic this video sums up my experiences. Information first, that's the nub of it.

callunavulgaris , to random
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

Does anyone have experience of difficult conversations with geriatric parents? I could use advice on how to tackle a tricky situation. Might run to a few posts:

My mum has very limited mobility and falls a lot, together with all sorts of other ailments that are no fun. She has a history of depression (including staying in a psychiatric unit) and is going downhill again as her life is shrinking so much. This is difficult for everyone in lots of ways but on thing has risen to the top. Cont'd...

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

My dad, in his 80s, is still pretty fit and takes part in sporting events, often competing at county level. He's Mum's main carer and as such it's vital that he gets his fun and has a break. I can and do step in whether he's here or not, but particularly when he's out. Thing is, Mum has taken to asking two friends if they'll come round when he's out (one at a time), whether I'm in or not. Seems fine superficially, ask a friend round, why not? Problem is /Cont'd...

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

She only does it when Dad's out, so it's not 'hey Marge, come round for coffee', it's 'hey Marge, come round and sit with me while J's out and please bring me my supper and keep me company'. Again, doesn't sound too bad but it's not occasional, she's asking them a lot. They're also in their 80s, one's recently been ill and IMO it's asking too much. Once in a while yes, but emailing lists of dates is putting people in a difficult position. I can't tell whether she's unaware of this or knows...

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

and doesn't care because there's something about it that's so vital to her.

Last night I dropped one of these friends home about 9.30pm. It was pretty obvious to me from the outset that she wasn't really happy at having to come over. I thanked her for coming and said I wasn't sure why Mum had asked her as I was in. The conversation swfitly got to her telling me she wasn't really happy doing it (no shit?) and Mum was asking her too much and she had to say no quite often. Cont'd...

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

I instantly assured her that saying no was the right thing to do, she must never feel obliged, and that I had already spoken to my dad about needing to find a proper solution to this. So far so bleedin' obvious really. The crux of the problem is that Mum doesn't like being left on her own, at all really, just like when she was depressed. Ironically when Dad's in (which is 5 evenings out of 7 most weeks) he's often in the study, partly because Mum has crap TV on quite loud and it empties the room

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

I've looked into a local care agency and it all seems doable, and they have a great reputation, but now I have to broach the subject. I can just hear (with my @actuallyautistic experience) "Heather says I can't have my friends round when you're out", just like it was "Heather says the house is too dirty" when I responded to her sighing about the state of the house with some suggestions for how to manage it.

She won't be honest about why she wants someone in. She told last night's friend that...

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

it's because my dad worries about her when he's out. I'm sorry but when my dad's in the sporting arena no other thouht enters his head. She won't be honest about anything much and it makes putting the right things in place so much more difficult than it needs to be.

So I now have to talk to my dad in concrete terms, having previously had a general conversation about the need for formal care at times. Then we have to talk to my mum about why she asks her friends round to help when I'm in...

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

and, I might add, entirely capable of looking after her as I do very frequently and she always says I do so much blah blah. Then we have to tell her that she's asking too much of her friends - I don't want to admit how I know that - and that if she feels the need for someone in the room with her when Dad's out and me floating around the house isn't enough then it'll be a carer at £30/hr. Of course I can be around but with my @actuallyautistic hat on please don't make me sit in a cluttered room

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@actuallyautistic with a very loud TV. I can do it for a few minutes but it really does my head in. So she'll feel that me being around means sitting in monastic silence. She can't really chat because she's very hard to understand. It's a shitshow of a situation. She doesn't really get that for Dad and me to look after her she needs to work with us. So fun conversation coming up and I'm not sure how to approach it without sounding brutal, which isn't my intention but often happens.

masukomi , to actuallyautistic
@masukomi@connectified.com avatar

sensory 🐄💩.

Aside from the constant avoidance of loud noises and keeping the sun's evil rays from finding my eyeballs... my sensory management is primarily the never-ending balancing act between "holy shit my nipples are on fire! I need a bra!" and "holy shit get this bra off of me!"

So, that's a thing. 🙁

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Varceptious @masukomi @actuallyautistic Glad to hear I'm not the only one who finds some clothes claustrophobic. Tight sleeves get me and I couldn't ever wear a top I bought in an emergency on holiday as the soft stretchy neck clung to my skin and I just couldn't stand it. Bras though are essential as I have Boobs-with-a-capital-B and curiously I like that tightness 🤷‍♂️

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@masukomi @Varceptious @actuallyautistic 😄

JeremyMallin , to actuallyautistic
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

If you know, you know.

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic I do this! It drives my son mad 😆

ashleyspencer , to actuallyautistic
@ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

I'm honestly quite a bit afraid of socializing with neurotypical business owners. Like I'd be so excited to talk to fellow entrepreneurs, and then get humiliated when they think I'm a weirdo or immature.

I'm very socially inept in person. I get bullied a lot. Allistics think something is wrong with me and treat me as such.

I've walked away from so many social situations in tears.

Being by myself with my cats all the time is a lot better.

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@ashleyspencer @actuallyautistic I'm sorry to hear you've had such rough experiences. I used to do networking but as I have zero tolerance for bullshit I didn't get very far as I just couldn't play the game. I didn't know then that I'm and couldn't understand why I didn't get from these groups what other people seemed to. Now I think it was emperor's new clothes and wonder how I stuck with it for as long as I did!

autism101 , to actuallyautistic
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Do you need routines but actually dislike them at the same time?

image: unknown
@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic Some and some. There are definitely areas where I would like to be more flexible but at the same time I know that the way I do some things is really important to me. Usually though these are things that affect just me and that I know make a difference, like a good bedtime routine, my preferred routine when I first get in to work and the order of events at home getting ready before a work day.

ants_are_everywhere , to actuallyautistic
@ants_are_everywhere@mathstodon.xyz avatar

The perennial challenge every April 1st is how to spread of through a series of well-crafted practical jokes.

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@anomalon @ants_are_everywhere @actuallyautistic 😄 I so relate!

olena , to actuallyautistic
@olena@mementomori.social avatar

On one hand, it’s nice to see that we can have noice-canceling headphones, selective earplugs and other kinds of solutions to help and other folks to reduce sensory overload in public places, but I can’t help but think that we should address the problem from the other side: to not create that overload to begin with.
Ok, I get the need for bright light in a shop: you really want to see what you’re buying, you want to choose a fruit/veggie without signs of spoiling, be able to read the label clearly etc.
But all that loud music? Is there really any value in it for the stores? Why do they keep playing it? Were there some actual real studies that have shown that putting on music increases sales?
Like, I have seen many times(and was myself) people leaving store sooner, even without the things they went for, because they couldn’t stand that loud music anymore, but I haven’t seen anyone actually staying in a shopping mall longer because they liked music or something.
So, is there any actual profit for stores in it, or are they just doing that because everyone is used to it?
Does also anyone know if there have been any studies/works on the sensory overload modern cities put on people and ways to reduce it without making things harder for other members of society?
@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic Our nearest Morrisons (UK supermarket) has an autistic friendly hour (one whole hour in the week) on a Saturday morning. The tills don't beep, there's no music and the lights are lower.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic It's earlyish Saturday morning, 9 o'clock or something like that. My dad goes then anyway but he likes it being quiet. Although he's quite successful socially I suspect he's where I get my autism as he has lots of autistic traits.

nddev , to actuallyautistic
@nddev@c.im avatar

We had dinner with some friends this evening -- five of us in total. After discussing it with Helen earlier in the week, I came out to them as autistic.

I got an interesting set of reactions. Angela (a former headteacher, who I thought knew more about autism) said: "but you're so social." So I said a few words about masking and learning to spend time in company. Lesley replied: "you should have known him when he was young. He was really quite odd." (No, it's fine, we have that kind of relationship.)

I told Angela I thought she'd known for years, and she said she'd suspected it, but only because of my unusual walk. So, if you really want to pass as NT, you need not only to avoid ticcing and stimming, and make eye contact, and say the right things at the right speed, and pull the right faces, but also to get your walk right. Who knew teachers specialised in gait analysis?

So that's it. I'm committed. I'm now. 🙂

@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@riggbeck @nddev @actuallyautistic Interesting. A friend of mine who's has that walk too. I don't.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@nddev @riggbeck @actuallyautistic No, a woman, but she has a son who was walking on his toes too last time I saw him and is an adult and definitely .

As was the way back in the day, my walk was commented upon when I was 18 and the word 'wiggle' was used so pretty much ever since I've been extremely self conscious of how I walk and have possibly subconsciously adjusted it. I've never been a toe walker though.

nettle , to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Do you have an easier time taking care of the needs of others than yourself?

If so, do you have (or know of) any theories for why you work that way?

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@nettle @actuallyautistic Speaking purely personally in my role as a wife and mother and making zero judgment about anyone else's way of life, I feel that it's considered more socially acceptable to look after others' needs than put myself first. The main times I put myself first are when I'm exhausted and no use to anybody anyway, and for two regular exercise classes a week.

Sci_Fi_FanGirl , to actuallyautistic German
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@hessen.social avatar

Dear fellow @actuallyautistic people,

Can you relate? Sometimes there are upcoming events and I know they'll overwhelm me completely. I'd like to avoid them, but sometimes I don't dare to ask because I don't want to be the person that always asks for a special treatment (German: Extrawurst). I'll complain all the way, but I don't opt out.

I know I have to work on this. It's not about a solution.

Is it internalized ableism? Camouflaging? People pleasing? Insufficient coping at the event?

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic I relate to "I don't want to be the person that always asks for a special treatment" to my core! I realised in my early 20s that I had a tendency to do it, and that it was an example set by my mother who I think has ADHD, like my daughter. I really dislike it and as soon as I became aware of it I worked to change it, when means to this day gritting my teeth through sometimes entire days where I would rather be elsewhere but I know it's best for me to be there.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic Often my need to be part of a tribe (like my very big extended family - my dad has loads of siblings), or not be 'the problem' which I so often feel I am, overcomes any need I'm feeling to withdraw. My standard approach is to retreat to the kitchen and wash up/clear up if I can as I'm good at that, or offer to take the dog out or supervise the kids or something that is a clear task that I understand and can do alone.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic I hope this comes over as being helpful or a bit quiet (which I'm actually not and they all know it!), in other words I'm getting some of what I need, avoiding much of what I don't, but without being overtly antisocial.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic Yes exactly, I try to minimise my impact on the group. I've never considered myself a people pleaser, I'm terrible at just going along with something if I don't see the point and have a tendency to rock the boat, but I do want to be part of the group in my own way. My family isn't great at letting people do things their own way: there's a rumbustious (and very well meant) family dynamic and you better be part of it.

pinkpenguin , to actuallyautistic
@pinkpenguin@sakurajima.moe avatar

@actuallyautistic

does anybody know a polite and societally acceptable way to phrase

"dear colleagues,
i would love to spend my lunch break with you, but if i do so my brain has to spend 30-50 minutes being a) completely overwhelmed by the amount of social context and b) severely depressed about its inability to participate in any form of group conversation.
if i am lucky this means a whole workday without a proper break, when unlucky this gets me an extra little mini meltdown in the afternoon which then renders me unable to work for several hours / the rest of the day.
love, pinkie"

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@pinkpenguin @actuallyautistic Tricky one. I work with one other person in an industrial unit. We usually spend lunchtime there too. Sometimes we talk as we get on fine and are similar ages, but not unusually I say "I'm going to chill out" and kind of shut down socially, listening to the weirdo yoga music that I find so soothing. I find that saying that makes it clear that I'm opting out for a bit and won't welcome disturbance.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@pinkpenguin @actuallyautistic It would be a nightmare with quite a few people around though. Occasionally I have to spend the day in the office and have to escape the building at lunchtime, non-negotiable.

callunavulgaris , to actuallyautistic
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@actuallyautistic Can we talk self-diagnosis? The penny dropped for me last year. I'm only mildly autistic but that's enough to have made me wonder my whole life where I go wrong with social things, why others seem to know the rules and I don't, with predictable consequences. Because I am self-diagnosed I feel I can't be open with anyone beyond immediate family, esp work, as I don't have a doctor's note to back it up and I'll be accused of jumping on a bandwagon. Familiar?

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@jkcheney @actuallyautistic I'm with you there. All it would give me is the confidence to say that I'm autistic in situations where it might be relevant. Because superficially and for short bursts I can be relaxed, chatty, smiley etc in company I don't present as people's idea of a typical autistic person. I mentioned it in passing to a work colleague when I was still at the 'I have autistic traits' stage and he pooh-poohed it so I won't mention it now.

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@jkcheney @actuallyautistic I used to think it was just tiredness at the end of the day and of course that's part of it but also yes, the imperative to get away from stimulation. On my way to bed the other night my mother started asking me for the dates when we're doing x, y and z and I just couldn't do it then if my life depended on it! I had to stop, clear the decks mentally, not pay attention to details.

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@jkcheney @actuallyautistic That last point is my view too. Generally I was baffled by my peers from about age 8 and felt different. I did want to fit in though, very much. Once patterns started repeating themselves I realised that although I had no idea what, and ND didn't occur to me, there was something about me that only clicked with a certain few people. I think it's probably my intensity, it just puts ppl off but I don't know how to be any different!

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@burnedthumb @actuallyautistic Thank you.

callunavulgaris , to actuallyautistic
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

Moments of realization : about 15yrs ago on learning that another mum used cloth nappies on her son I launched into a detailed analysis of all the different folds, esp wrt directional wee. She found it hilarious and kept up a commentary on it. She didn't mean to be cruel, we got on well, but I was yet again left with that feeling of 'oh shit, I've done it again and I have no idea what "it" is'. Now I know it was intensity and maybe a form of infodumping @actuallyautistic

StrassenKatze , to actuallyautistic
@StrassenKatze@universeodon.com avatar

So, my office made attendance mandatory once a week, starting today. I've been here for 1,5 hrs and have already cried, bitten a hole into my stress relief chew toy, and stuffed my face with two bags of Haribo. I can't fucking do this, someone get me out of here please 😭 @actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@StrassenKatze @actuallyautistic Perhaps you could kindly offer to work from home, from where your keyboard might just be out of earshot.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@StrassenKatze @actuallyautistic It's always worth being friendly with the IT guy - I married him actually and that's worked out swimmingly 😄

callunavulgaris , to actuallyautistic
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@actuallyautistic Does anyone else feel that they're always the problem, in any given situation where a misunderstanding or disagreement has arisen? Whether it's something you've done/missed/forgotten or your reaction to something or to people's reactions to your mis-step? At the moment I feel like nothing but a problem and I've been conscious of the issue as long as I can remember. It could get quite depressing.

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@CuriousMagpie @actuallyautistic Thank you. I didn't know RSD was a thing so that was really useful. I was one of those kids who was told "you're so sensitive" and it wasn't a compliment.

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@CuriousMagpie @actuallyautistic That sounds hard. It's such a fallacy that people don't perceive emotion. I'm overwhelmed by mine just now and have no idea how to handle it.

callunavulgaris OP ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@CuriousMagpie @actuallyautistic Good advice. I've been in fight or flight all weekend and have had to control my breathing a few times.

Susan60 , to actuallyautistic
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

I spoke online to my English language student today. She took her 3yo to a kinder session & spent some time talking to other mothers, which was challenging . So I need to teach her some more English small talk language. Me. An autistic person. 😂 Ironic.
@actuallyautistic

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Tooden @Susan60 @actuallyautistic I've learnt to do it to some extent but usually as a prelude to a proper conversation. I find it easier with some people than others, but then I've noticed that my "am I effing this up?" monitoring is much more active with people whose good opinion matters to me, rather than say a random person who starts chatting to me in a supermarket queue who I'll probably never see again.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Tooden @Susan60 @actuallyautistic I have a couple of true blue Tory relatives who I don't have much contact with as we agree on virtually nothing!

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Susan60 @Tooden @actuallyautistic Clear roles, that's the holy grail.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Susan60 @Tooden @actuallyautistic Despite all that, I would like to get back to a mental place where people's politics are not so significant and I can focus much more on what we have in common, which is a great deal in most cases. For me social media has been terrible for making people's politics such a focus and making people on 'the other side' seem evil bastards rather than misguided or ignorant. I want to be able to put it aside and talk about knitting or books or rugby or whatever.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Susan60 @Tooden @actuallyautistic Oh wholly agree about people peddling the hate. I do much better with friendship if I have time to be one on one with someone as you can't stay superficial for long in that situation. I also remind myself what people don't like and make an effort to try to avoid that stuff but I don't always succeed. When I see the obviously efficient way to go about a task I can be a bossy mare.

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Susan60 @Tooden @actuallyautistic Very well put!

callunavulgaris ,
@callunavulgaris@mastodon.scot avatar

@Susan60 I've had to learn that 'cause I'm not performing brain surgery or flying an aeroplane it's not that vitally important whether we do things the best way or not. It makes my brain itch to do something the sloppy or inefficient way but I have to run the metric of 'what's more important here?' - I've found that a very useful little exercise on many occasions when I don't want to annoy the people I'm with. There must also be many occasions when I don't realise too! @Tooden @actuallyautistic

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