olena

olena , 9 days ago to actuallyautistic

I don’t have nostalgia. I don’t miss places. I may remember them vividly, and love something about them, and hold it dear in my heart, but when I leave - I don’t want to come back.
Actually, I feel rather bad if for some reason I have to. Because the place has already changed. Because I have already changed. Because we’re out of sync now(if we ever were). Because I don’t belong. And seeing that hurts actually way more than just not returning.
Maybe it has something to do with the lack of object permanence. Maybe it is more about that autistic refusal to accept the reality which differs from expectations. Inside, I feel like a kid having a meltdown in the middle of the shopping mall because the toy they got was not 100% what they imagined it was going to be. No place is what you remember when you return after leaving. Maybe that’s the reason.

Is it something other #neurodivergent people also experience often? Do you feel nostalgic often or refuse to get back?

#AuDHD
#autistic
#autism
@actuallyautistic

olena , 9 days ago to actuallyautistic

‘I would strongly recommend going through the ADHD testing, but I am not licensed to do the test myself, so I can’t give you the official diagnosis of it as it can only be provided after the test by a licensed specialist, and there are very few ones with this narrow license. However, if you manage to get the test done, come to me with the diagnosis, I would accept it from any licensed provider, and then I would be able to provide you the treatment and the medication: though your insurance doesn’t cover the evaluation, it covers treatment.
As for the autism testing, do it if you have extra money as anyway there’s no treatment against it, and if you struggle with any particular issue - we can work on each of them on the therapy without an official autism diagnosis’ - the second psychiatrist after actually talking to me.

For the reference: depending on the provider, the testing is around 400 euro for either(I haven’t found any combined option, btw, so if I want to do both, it’d double)

Yes, there’s general free healthcare. When I asked in my health center about the psychiatrist appointment(without even specifying the goal), I was told the waiting list currently is more than an year, so they won’t even book one for me.

And people still would go “If yOu rEalLy hAd AuDHD, yoU’D hAvE aN ofFiciAl diAgnoSis”…

#AuDHD
#autism
#ADHD
@actuallyautistic

olena , 14 days ago to actuallyautistic

Speaking of joking.
When I was young, pretty often when I wanted to make a joke, I was too embarrassed to do that personally, so instead of joking directly, I’d add “as one of my friends says…”, or “as I’ve read recently…”(obviously, there were no friend and no book, it was just some snarky comment I came up with and desperately wanted to drop). I didn’t do that with serious things, it was just a way to slip in a joke - because doing it openly felt too daring for some reason.
When I got older, I used to do it less and less often, and now (almost?) don’t do that (probably?), but I still don’t quite understand why I was: what it was actually for, why did I need, what it was supposed to solve.
Is this also some #neurodivergent thing? Something related to RSD? Part of autistic masking? Or just my own weird thing?
@actuallyautistic

olena , 15 days ago to actuallyautistic

Of all the avatars I’ve ever used, my favourite was made of a bit of MRI of my own brain.
Part of the satisfaction was to have long discussions with moderators saying the avatar is supposed to show the person - and arguing that the brain is actually what I am as a person, not my face.
I pretty often enjoy finding different ‘well, technically…’ loopholes, though mostly not for exploiting them, but for the sheer joy of pointing them to someone and chucking together over such a joke.
This, together with puns, together with all “imagine this and this, wouldn’t it technically be that?” type of jokes is basically my favourite genre of humor.
And my relationship with humor is kinda complicated: I love funny things, but I often don’t find pure comedies funny(while can have a good chuckle in some straight-face side jokes in some procedurals or adventures), and the main reason is I don’t find it funny when someone struggles, someone is getting hurt, someone is ridiculed or put in an awkward/cringy situation. Someone falling isn’t funny, someone failing isn’t funny, someone put in a situation when they are clearly experiencing fear, shame or disgust isn’t funny for me.
Maybe I just empathize too much: imagining myself in their place makes me want to run away, hide, stop existing, so I just can’t feel any fun there.
But give me a good chuckle with an unexpected pun, give me those “technically..” jokes, give me clever side remarks - that may be soo funny!
Basically, for me, in all the movies, books, shows:
Chuckle > laugh
Maybe it has something to so with RSD and fear to be laughed at(based on previous experiences)
Is it something common among #neurodivergent folks? I imagine it may have something to do with #autism and affective empathy?
What is your relationships with different kinds of humor?

@actuallyautistic

olena , 15 days ago to actuallyautistic

Just was ‘diagnosed’ with anxiety today after talking to a psychiatrist for five minutes (I’m using quotes because it seems a bit too preliminary to me to diagnose whoever with whatever after about 5 minutes of general talk).
Came asking for #ADHD and #autism evaluation. Was totally ignored on that regard) Of course, didn’t have courage to ask again.

Was it so obvious? Was I just a walking stereotype: middle-aged woman from a war-thorn country living alone who voluntarily came to a psychiatrist(doesn’t matter what else she has, she can’t NOT be anxious)?
Or is it just a general experience of most of #AuDHD female-passing folks: to be seen as anxious, to have most of their symptoms attributed to #anxiety (not like I was asked about any symptoms, but maybe have demonstrated some?)?

@actuallyautistic

olena , 20 days ago to actuallyautistic

Everytime I stand in front of the door and frantically search for the keys in my bag, all that #anxiety makes me panic, pushes me to the verge of tears - even though it is not such a big deal because I’m not in a hurry and if anything, the concierge has a spare pair.
So, naturally, my #autistic brain tries to compensate for a possible #ADHD fail - and every time I walk home, I feel almost unbeatable urge to get my keys out of my bag to my hand when I am still like 200 meters from home.
I suppose, it’s the same overcompensation mechanism that makes me come to airport at least two hours before the departure and to a train station at least an hour before, buy spares of essentials each time a bottle starts feeling not full, or always have a stocked pantry(though there may be multiple of ones and none of others as I always forget to check what I have before going to the store)

Is this exaggerated(to the point of creating problems) ‘better safe than sorry’ something #AuDHD people are more prone to? Do you guys also do that?
@actuallyautistic

olena , 1 month ago to actuallyautistic

What some people don’t seem to be able to understand is that for the ones with executive disfunction number of steps matters a lot.

I just put away all my dried laundry aside of duvet cover.

Why? Because for all the other things it’s easy one-step task: grab all the knickers and shove them into the drawer, get the home clothes and put it into home clothes cube box(that cubed Ikea shelf is such a helper for people like me, I just have a cube for every thing).

But the linen shelf is at the top of the bathroom closet, and it’s almost full. So I need a stepladder to be able to put the duvet cover there(I can try to shove it there without, I kinda reach the shelf itself, but in its current state the cover is likely to fall from there, and probably with some other things, so that would upset me which I am not ready to deal with now).

But the stepladder is now occupied by my winter shoes which were drying there before I put them away for summer.
But to put them away I need to get two big boxes from under my bed, empty one by putting everything that is there into the other one, put all the shoes there, put the boxes back under the bad, ensure all the boxes there are arranged in a way that is allowing my cat to play in that labyrinth, and probably clean up after that as I suppose there’s going to be a few dust bunnies.

Gosh, I got tired by just typing all that.

Going through all those steps may bot take too much time(if I don’t get distracted by something, including the urge to sort everything perfectly), but the very thought of going through all those steps just discourages me so much that I can’t find energy to start. “It’s just one duvet cover!” - they say. “It’s a shitton of steps!” - I answer.

Well, the cover is drying in a way that obscures a view from my bed which irritates me enough to maybe develop enough anger to put it away in the weekend.

#executivedysfunction
#neurodivergent
#ADHD
#audhd
@actuallyautistic

EVDHmn , 1 month ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Would any of you be interested in doing a weekly audio conference? I have organizer stTus on meetup could do audio and discuss how everyone is doing checkins, talking science, or what it’s like for you personally in the world coping ?
Perhaps zoom audio, no judgements safe spaces etc over the internet ? Discords etc

olena , 1 month ago to actuallyautistic

You’re not walking around consciously choosing what to pick up. You don’t choose. You don’t decide. It sticks like a crumb you accidentally stepped onto. Like cat’s hair. Good luck trying to get rid of it: while cleaning one, you get three more. Sometimes some dry out and fall off. You don’t choose which either.

Phrase here, intonation there, a bit of smile from that one, a funny move from another…

I wonder, if someone who has known you some time ago, meets you again in some years, and then meets some people from the same circles - how long does it take to tell those you’ve been interacting with most during those years by how they’ve grown into you, by spotting in them all those new things you’ve become.

#autisticMasking
#neurodivergent
#autistic
@actuallyautistic

olena , 1 month ago to actuallyautistic

When a mimic is put into a safe environment where it doesn’t have to mimic anymore to survive - what shape does it have?

For some reason, it seems to me, it won’t be neither any established form nor an amorphous blob, but rather some chaotic combination, multidimensional exquisite corpse, of various elements flickering between each and every form it has ever taken or observed

And to demand it to show its true form is to take it out of the safe environment

(This post is actually about autistic masking)
#autisticMasking
#autistic
#neurodivergent
@actuallyautistic

olena , 2 months ago to actuallyautistic

Had a big videocall at work today and suddenly realized I am avoiding eye contact even in videocalls. Like, I subconsciously avoid looking at people who are looking at the camera, even if they are those who’re talking. I look at those who look away, I look at those who sit too far from the camera to actually see where they’re looking, I look at myself, I look at Slack’s UI, I constantly remind myself to not look over the screen, but can’t help glancing. Anything but looking at those who seemingly look at me. Even though they are not actually here and most time in those group calls it means they are not actually looking at me.
Other #autistic folks, do you find it easier to look people in the eyes in video-calls or do you struggle with it too?
@actuallyautistic
#neurodivergent
#AuDHD

olena , 2 months ago to actuallyautistic

On one hand, it’s nice to see that we can have noice-canceling headphones, selective earplugs and other kinds of solutions to help #autistic and other #neurodivergent folks to reduce sensory overload in public places, but I can’t help but think that we should address the problem from the other side: to not create that overload to begin with.
Ok, I get the need for bright light in a shop: you really want to see what you’re buying, you want to choose a fruit/veggie without signs of spoiling, be able to read the label clearly etc.
But all that loud music? Is there really any value in it for the stores? Why do they keep playing it? Were there some actual real studies that have shown that putting on music increases sales?
Like, I have seen many times(and was myself) people leaving store sooner, even without the things they went for, because they couldn’t stand that loud music anymore, but I haven’t seen anyone actually staying in a shopping mall longer because they liked music or something.
So, is there any actual profit for stores in it, or are they just doing that because everyone is used to it?
Does also anyone know if there have been any studies/works on the sensory overload modern cities put on people and ways to reduce it without making things harder for other members of society?
@actuallyautistic