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HexesofVexes ,

The real secret to dating after 35 - don’t.

Folks are not looking to “date”: they’re after long term commitment OR quick hook ups. The middle ground really vanishes when you get older!

remer ,

I know you’re not from the South because down there the first wave of divorces is at about 21 years old with three kids

Tyfud ,

Not all of the kids have to be theirs either.

Facebones ,

Southerner here to confirm. I’m 36, graduated in 2004, I know a few people my age with 20 year olds now. 🙄

Ghostalmedia ,
@Ghostalmedia@lemmy.world avatar

And you know they’re not from NYC, LA, or SF - because there are tons of good looking single people over 35.

buttfarts ,

Marrying the first person you ever fuck and breeding uncontrollably only to become deeply miserable and unfulfilled in your locked down life is very human and not at all a good idea. Every success story of first love is a random aberration that fuels the myth that this should be the status quo.

Most people are a lot sluttier than that

Speiser0 ,

I didn’t know penguins could marry.

VinnyDaCat ,

I hate how true this is.

What’s worse is that many of the people who didn’t fall into that trap have been waiting to responsibly have children later, which I also don’t want. Finding anyone down here that is interested in being child free down here is a challenge and finding someone who doesn’t expect to have a busy life to make up for it is even more difficult.

Got_Bent ,

No. No it does not.

BrundleFly2077 ,

Yes. It does 🤣

There, now things are balanced again.

Vent ,

No. They aren’t!

LesserAbe ,

√(yes)

frickineh ,

No kidding. I’m apparently the only person who has ever had an amicable divorce where we just realized we weren’t compatible and never felt the need to bash each other. The post-divorce crowd can be pretty dire. They should mandate a certain number of therapy sessions before you can sign up for a dating app.

Kecessa ,

I don’t think the divorce part isthe point of the meme…

frickineh ,

Yes but the post title is what I was responding to.

peopleproblems ,

From what I’ve learned, it has a lot to do with attachment styles.

My ex is avoidant, with some pretty narcissistic traits (love bombing, then refusal to even hug because it’s too much).

I was/am anxious, or as the couples counselor told me “clingy.”

In our one-on-ones, she summarized up a book we had been assigned (which my ex didn’t read lol) that it was a statistic thing. 50% of people are secure style - they meet, and tend to stay together cause it just works. ~25% are anxious, and they do ok together and work fine with secure. ~25% are avoidant, and unfortunately, unless they work towards secure attachments, are pretty much always in and out of relationships. There’s a small amount of “disorganized” that has both insecure styles, but they tend towards secure over time.

The result is that the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. There will always been avoidant people available though. Secure style people are great at recognizing avoidant and typically don’t put up with their bullshit for long. Anxious attachment though end up with avoidants and it becomes a terrible thing, the anxious will do anything to stay, causing the avoidant to do things out of the relationship more.

If you could guess one common thing amongst avoidants that finally ends the relationship, what would it be? If you said cheating, you’d be completely right. It’s really hard to end amicably after that.

Preflight_Tomato ,

What was the book?

blanketswithsmallpox ,

The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down.

peopleproblems ,

“Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

MutilationWave ,

Incels are on the rise, both genders. Where do they fit in your 100%? We’re seeing the birth of hikkikomori culture.

peopleproblems ,

If I had to guess based on my understanding of attachment theory, it could be the anxious attachment, the avoidant, or the disorganized (which has traits of both, and is rare). In any case it’s clearly the insecure attachment styles.

Based on the “incel” description itself though, I don’t think you have enough information to guess either. An individual hokkikomori is clearly more avoidant than anything though, as they don’t seek or hold relationships with others as valuable.

MutilationWave ,

Holy shit go live your life. You’re not a cell on a spreadsheet about attachment theory.

peopleproblems ,

Wait I’m confused - you asked where they fit in the 100%. I gave you my best guess.

What does that have to do with spreadsheets?

TubularTittyFrog ,

what i don’t get is why people married people they knew were awful people, or awful for them.

anytime someone lies, cheats, or steals from me (or shows any disrespect, like verbal/physical abuse) i dump their ass.

RBWells ,

My ex was a chill stoner with a good work ethic when we got together and we had many good years, then he lost job after job, stopped looking, got radicalized reading Stormfront, then eventually physically abusive. I could not convince him to seek help, since he got so paranoid.

People change, sometimes you change in opposing directions.

TubularTittyFrog ,

that isn’t change, that’s failure to take responsibility for yourself. which makes for a shitty person, and a shitty partner.

hence why most radicalized people are shitty human beings. de-radicalizing requires people to realize they are responsible for their choices, and that the world is not some external force oppressing them.

bouldering_barista ,

I feel this in my core. Dating in your 30s is like dating at max difficulty

BackOnMyBS ,
@BackOnMyBS@lemmy.autism.place avatar

I find it much easier!

  • People are less shy
  • They have more experience
  • They know better what they are looking for
  • Their fantasy marriage/life has been renounced
  • People are much more chill about sex matters
  • Their romantic histories are quite telling
  • Most people have their own place
  • Careers are mostly stable

/

Cons

  • Much smaller dating pool
  • Many have kids already
  • More difficult to make friends/meet people in general
MonkderVierte ,
  • Many have kids already

Why is that a con?

BackOnMyBS ,
@BackOnMyBS@lemmy.autism.place avatar

It introduces more factors to consider. One, the kids will be involved in the relationship, so that’s more people that have to get along well. Two, they take up time, energy, and resources that could otherwise go to the relationship. Three, the parents are more anchored to their current life, so things like going on vacation or moving become much more complex and expensive. Four, the person will almost certainly have to maintain a relationship with their ex/other parent of the children. Five, if you yourself want to have kids, they may not be willing to do so anymore.

I acknowledge that having kids has its benefits too though. It’s not all bad.

MonkderVierte ,

Valid reasons.

TonyOstrich ,

Not OP, but I was sterilized in my mid 20s. Not only am I not interested in having kids, but I would not be a good parent. I have still dated people with kids who made it clear there would never be an expectation that I become a parent or interact with their kids, which does address those issues, but there are others. Understandably their kids take priority over basically everything except for maybe the factors that effect their ability to provide for their kids (or at least I think they should). That often means they don’t have nearly as much time to hang out and build a connection, nor are they able to be as free to do other things due to constraints on their time, finances, or both like going on fun trips. Another factor I have run into that is that usually the reason someone is single and has kids due to entirely positive reasons, and there is often at least some amount of trauma in their past that is often not entirely behind them.

To be clear the above is in no way an absolute and are merely my anecdotal experience and correlations in the given area I live. It is also always worth keeping in mind that I am in no way perfect myself and that it’s possible there is something about me that results in the above being my experience.

mortemtyrannis ,

Ahhh they are inextricably linked to a previous partner and you’re expected to become a parental figure if the relationship goes anywhere serious.

Some people (like me) really don’t want an instant family.

I take my hat off to those who don’t have kids but date parents; they are better people than I.

BackOnMyBS ,
@BackOnMyBS@lemmy.autism.place avatar

I wouldn’t mind doing it, but I would have to know the partner really well and feel confident that it would be a stable relationship. I remember having a hard time as a kid when I lost my aunt because her and my uncle had a nasty divorce where she went no contact.

Pros of dating a parent:

  • You can see how they treat those that are vulnerable and dependent on them
  • They’re typically more stable, conscientious, and responsible
  • Good parents know that they have to model healthy behavior, so they practice those
  • You already know what you are getting with the kids, so it’s not a surprise
  • The kids inadvertently tell on the parent if the parent is misrepresenting themselves up front
  • Can do family activities that would normally be considered odd for only adults to partake
  • The many benefits of being a parent
  • If there’s shared custody, you regularly get time off from being a parent
TubularTittyFrog ,

speak for yourself. i have found dating as a 30+ adult to be way more dramatic and miserable than it was in my 20s.

nobody in my 20s was having a temper tantrum at dinner because the restaurant isn’t expensive enough for their ‘brand’.

Dkarma ,

Try dating someone who is mentally in their 30s too.

Doesntpostmuch ,

This sounds like one very specific date

TubularTittyFrog ,

nah it’s multiple dates. it’s also a common attitude that men need to ‘impress’ dates by spending a lot at restaurants otherwise they ‘devalue’ a woman. asking someone out on a cheap date to get to know them isn’t the point… the point is to win them over by spending money on them.

basically a lot of people see dating as prostitution with extra steps. and wonder why they are single.

sentient_loom ,
@sentient_loom@sh.itjust.works avatar

I don’t quite get it. Is the problem that you miss being pursued by younger people?

ThrowawayPermanente ,

All the good men are already taken, the ones who are still available are single for a reason.

Kecessa ,

No matter the gender the issue is the same

Larry ,

If you’re still looking for good men at 35 you’re also single for a reason

peopleproblems ,

Not necessarily. If she was an anxious attached style she’d be more likely to fall for avoidant men. She could either:

  1. Now recognize the red flags of avoidants and not subject herself to that.
  2. Be unaware of the red flags of avoidants and keep making the same mistake
  3. Recently left a long term relationship as an secure individual and discover how many avoidants really exist.

Of course you are right, she could be avoidant to, in which case hopefully she’ll learn sooner rather than later that fearing intimacy and vulnerability is detrimental, and that healthy codependency is actually a thing. But it’s not easy for them to do so.

I don’t like to think that everyone is incapable of finding someone, people just need to figure out why. Pointing out “single for a reason” seems counterproductive and a bit disrespectful.

cheeseandrice , (edited )

I think “single for a reason” is what all that attachment theory shit is trying to help contextualize. It specifically sets the context as “single for a fixable reason” if you have the courage and humility to do the work.

GluWu ,

Is living in the forest because I’m afraid of the federal government a “fixable” reason?

TubularTittyFrog ,

no

peopleproblems ,

I suppose I didn’t consider the act of an anxious attached falling for the avoidant attached as that “reason” I sort of chalked that up to luck.

But your right, anxious attachment tends to end up with avoidant and the anxious attachment needs to learn how to desensitize to intense passion often given by avoidants.

The anxious attached individual has a lot of work to do in regards to understanding their personal value rather than their value to others, where the avoidant has immense work to do on the value of others and the value of themselves.

Cypher ,

Sorry you’re so incurably single you’ve latched onto dating advice thats as accurate as horoscopes.

Like I hope it gets better for you but… yikes.

peopleproblems ,

It’s not dating advice, it’s attachment theory.

KyuubiNoKitsune ,

Thanks.

peopleproblems ,

Or we became so insecure in our previous relationship that we’re terrified of meeting new people :).

Can’t get hurt that way.

Rakonat ,

If you think the single men are bad that age, look at the women!

pyre ,

single for a reason

is the reason maybe that it’s hard dating after 35 or is that only a valid excuse for women?

TubularTittyFrog ,

is the reason maybe that it’s hard dating after 35 or is that only a valid excuse for women?

it’s easier to blame other people than realize you aren’t a catch either.

BonesOfTheMoon ,

This is where I have massive respect for gay guys who just use Sniffies for outright hookups and sometimes don’t even bother to learn the other guy’s name. Listening to drag queen podcasts has taught me a lot, and that a sex life can be pretty straightforward for gay guys.

NikkiDimes ,

Meanwhile, gay women, 🦗🦗🦗

TwinkleToes ,
@TwinkleToes@lemmy.ca avatar

The problem is, everyone THINKS that they’re the woman in this meme.

BruceTwarzen ,

True, in reality everyone in the ghoul. Dating does become harder the older you get. When you’re 18 and you date an 18 year old, both have very little life and dating experience. You basically mix water with water. When you’re 35, you’re vinegar and even if you like your date, she might be oil and you just don’t mix. You have to compromise, which only gets harder and harder.

Someonelol ,
@Someonelol@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

Bad analogy. Vinegar and oil make a tasty vinaigrette but I get your point.

AA5B ,

Especially if you can open that up to a little basil now and then

TubularTittyFrog , (edited )

It’s not harder, objectively.

It’s just that people’s expectations aren’t realistic. And nobody is more bitter than average folks who think they are the top 1% of the dating pool, which is what the average person thinks. So many people in the dating pool make like 50k/yr and think you should be a millionaire to date them.

I’ve met so many women who are complete average looking, average income, etc. who think they DESERVE Don Draper and anything less is ‘below them’. They’d rather be alone with their fantasy TV boyfriend then be in a real relationship with a person who is their equal with whom they can build a good life.

I’m a medium successful dude, and when I go out dating all I seem to encounter women who are worse than me in pretty much every metric who dunk on me for not being the top 1% man of their dreams. Like I can run a half marathon, no problem, but these ladies who can’t even run a mile will dunk on me for not being in the Olympics. I have more wealth than 80% of other americans, and to most women I meet, I am ‘poor’.

and if you go check out ‘female dating advice’ on social media… 99% of it reflects this crazy unrealistic attitude and it’s SUPER popular.

madcaesar ,

Social media has destroyed dating for both sexes.

TubularTittyFrog ,

some of it is good. some social media has great/good advice… but that social media isn’t popular.

because 99% of it is ‘fix your own shit and stop expecting someone else to fix it for you’

DragonTypeWyvern ,

Date leftists? Like, actual leftists. I know, it’s a small pool in America, but you’d be surprised what’s out there if you join the right community.

You’re going after people who buy into the capitalist heirarchy and being surprised it’s all just shallow self-delusions. Idk, just seems self defeating.

TubularTittyFrog ,

A good chunk of the people I’m talking about identify as leftists.

Your political ideals also have nothing to do with your personal expectations and habits in relationships. Plenty of ‘leftist’ women I have met 100% expect traditional gender roles and aspire to be SAHM. And a lot of leftists I knew in my 20s are now hardcore right wingers now.

Hell half my liberal/leftie graduate school cohort is now support Trump/Republicans.

DragonTypeWyvern ,

I think your definition of leftist and mine are quite different.

TubularTittyFrog ,

sorry, is there a test i can perform on people to know if they are ‘true leftist’?

if not, you should create a ‘leftist testing kit’ like they have for covid so i can bring it on dates and swab them and know in 15 minutes if they are a leftist or not!

DragonTypeWyvern ,

As a general rule, not believing in capitalism and income based heirarchy is a good start.

TubularTittyFrog ,

ok, so no leftists exist. got it. thanks for clarifying.

DragonTypeWyvern ,

I think I’ve found another of your dating problems, you’re not very good at listening and combine that with sarcasm as a deflection tactic.

TubularTittyFrog ,

correct. i don’t tolerate delusional people who think they have some special super secret knowledge and are superior to other people based upon it.

tabarnaski ,

Well, some people might see things different than you do, and it’s always possible to learn something new by listening to them. But you seem to think you’ve got it all figured out and you have nothing to learn from others. So yeah, a part of your dating problems might come from that.

That being said, it’s crazy that some people give so much importance to money in looking for a romantic partner. I mean, past 30 you should be somehow financially independent… going on a date with the expectation of meeting someone who could raise your standard of living sounds like something from the 19th century.

JackLSauce ,

Am I the only one having a stroke trying to understand:

“clears up again after the first wave of divorces (after 35?)”

TubularTittyFrog ,

yeah you are. it’s really easy to understand.

the pool was clear before people got married. it clears up again after the first wave of divorces. clear meaning ‘there are desirable people to date’

are you ESL?

Paradachshund ,

Not OP, but I think it’s fairly confusingly worded because clear implies empty, but the intent seems to be to imply lots of choices.

TubularTittyFrog ,

no. clear empties quality when it comes to water. clear as in transparent.

clear water is good, opaque water is dirty and unsafe.

you are thinking of clear in the sense of space, not water. clear space is empty.

Paradachshund ,

I understand what you’re saying and I still think it would be easy to be confused. It’s ok that you don’t think it is, this is just a second opinion.

smeenz ,

Clear, as in all the garbage has been cleared up, leaving the good stuff behind

Lemjukes ,

As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?

anivia ,

Depends how many bad experiences. If all your relationships were a bad experience, then there is a good chance you were the reason for that

Lemjukes ,

Very true

Speculater ,
@Speculater@lemmy.world avatar

Like a guy I know who is divorced four times… Thinks he has really bad luck. Nope buddy. It’s you.

peopleproblems ,

Give him a book called “Attached” by Levine and Heller. I doubt he’ll actually make any changes, but it’s a good way to tell him it’s him without you having to say it at all.

You_are_dust ,

No experience. All bad experiences means more potential for either a lot of unchecked baggage, that person is the cause of the bad experiences, or both.

Banichan ,
@Banichan@dormi.zone avatar

Is there a third option?

Lemjukes ,

See above I guess lol

RBWells ,

Bad experiences. No experience at my age would be a very bad sign. With my husband, we each had one crazy ex, then he had a couple of two year relationships that weren’t bad just sort of ran their course. Apparently when he met me he knew it could work out long term but I was afraid he was only good for two years, so just took it kinda slow, not sex-wise but relationship-wise. Waited two years to move in together (we both had kids so it was a good idea regardless) then he started making noise about getting married, I told him he could ask after we’d lived together two years.

Best relationship of my life so far, 12 years in, we are both well aware how good we have it, because we have both had the bad times. His kids won’t even talk to their mom - in the divorce the courts gave him custody not just of his kids, but his step kids too, that is how bad she got, and she has not improved. My ex’s mom said if it came to it she would argue her son should not even have visitation, that’s how bad he got (we weren’t married so that part was easier). He has improved when he quit drinking, thank God and now sometimes hangs out, like at holidays, parties, etc.

So I would argue for experience use but caution. Not someone with a string of crazy exes.

TonyOstrich ,

The issue I have run into a lot is that they have the “wrong” kind of experience. Somewhat inline with the adage “practice doesn’t make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect”. I spent a lot of my teens and 20s being introspective, working on myself, and becoming the kind of person I would want to date. A lot of people I have had experiences with in my 30s spent a lot of that time in bad relationships creating reactive responses to various things rather than addressing the core issues or learning how to, and as a result they often have a lot of “bad habits” or expectations going into dating or future relationships.

I have met more than one person that has said they need someone who can be patient with them while they heal and deal with their past, while also not necessarily wanting to, or being capable of, providing that same level of patience and understanding to a partner. That seems…uhhh not really appropriate or fair? But I’m the one that’s been single for quite a while, sooooo it’s just as likely I could be the one with my head so far up my ass I can taste my tonsils.

TubularTittyFrog ,

bingo.

gist of most people who are terminally single is they aren’t capable of offering as much as they demand. so for anyone that is a bad deal. a lot of people simple become parasites in a relationship, financially, emotionally, etc. and those parasitic people will never ever admit fault, they will blame the partner they are sucking the life out of that they aren’t ‘giving them enough’.

I was in a few relationships that became soul-sucking. i used to be depressed and suicidal in the past… because I as in relationships that were sucking my soul out. When I broke up, stayed single, and worked on myself… my life had value again and i was no longer depressed and suicidal.

the issue isn’t about experience. it’s about how you treat other people and if you see your partner as a person… rather than a resource to extract things from (money, sex, attention, etc)

As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?

SharkEatingBreakfast ,
@SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz avatar

I hate to say it, but I think that folks have taken advantage of “be patient of folks with trauma/mental illness/etc.” and turned it into “you HAVE to put up with me or else you’re an asshole who is insensitive to those with struggles.” And nobody wants to be “the guy who wasn’t supportive enough”.

It’s okay to break up with someone if you are too overwhelmed by their needs, regardless of their trauma/mental illness. Staying will make both people absolutely miserable in the long run.

Lemjukes ,

Ding ding ding! The key is actually learning and growing from those bad experiences and bettering yourself as a result. A lot of people seem caught in the loop of searching for someone to make them better instead of looking for an actual partner.

TubularTittyFrog ,

IME it’s that the more bad experiences they have, the more they demand an idealized greek god of a person as a partner and think anyone who doesn’t measure up to that fantasy. because it’s not their fault, it’s their partners for not ‘measuring up’ to their ‘standards’.

lightnsfw ,

I’d rather be content by myself.

where_am_i ,

Solution: don’t live in the US, live in Europe

FatTony ,
@FatTony@lemmy.world avatar

Why?

Evil_Shrubbery , (edited )

I do not recognise the bodies in the water!!

No, wait, I do actually, that’s Steve, he died last week, I wonder how he got a movie part after that. Lucky.
Oh, and there is Shelly, looking sexy as ever.

… oh shit.

Socsa ,

The bigger problem is everyone has kids already. But by 45 or so you can start looking for people with adult kids.

TubularTittyFrog ,

nobody has kids at that age in the urban coastal cities. i’m 40 i’ve never dated or met a single mother.

AA5B ,

I had my first kid at 40, which was on the later side but not at all unusual.

I came from a more rural area and occasionally here about people my age back there being grandparents already and just have to shake my head at those choices. It just doesn’t happen here

TubularTittyFrog ,

yeah i grew up rural and by mid twenties all my HS peers were married w/ kids or doing drugs/prison. I was in graduate school on the other side of the country at 25 and marriage kids was a decade away in my mind.

least to i haven’t been back there since i was 19 years old and never kept any HS friends.

lightnsfw ,

They must all be in the midwest…

Aggravationstation ,

I’m just waiting til I get to the retirement home in about 35 years, they’re like huge orgies.

variants ,

Orgies and Lan parties all day

Aggravationstation ,

Aww man, that sounds so awesome! Hopefully weed will be legal by then in the UK too.

kriz ,

What’s the movie? I really identify with corpse #3

v1605 ,

Poltergeist

remer ,

Do I remember correctly that these were real bodies because it was cheaper than fakes?

Quetzalcutlass ,

Also she’s swimming with real bodies because it was cheaper.

MonkderVierte ,

Oh, alright, so it was rubber, only on real bones.

MNByChoice ,

After 35 is the first wave of divorces?

volvoxvsmarla ,

Dude most people I know don’t start thinking about marriage or kids before 30

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