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@alexisbushnell@toot.wales cover
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

alexisbushnell

@[email protected]

Neurodivergent knot untangler - slaying your brain gremlins with practical, personalised help (and #Notion templates).

Social media manager at Time For Kindness.

Passionate about accessibility and #sustainability. Learning #BSL.
Learning to sew, grow and mend for a #SolarPunk future.

#ActuallyAutistic

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

Tim_McTuffty , to actuallyautistic
@Tim_McTuffty@beige.party avatar

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 229 , Thursday 13/06/2024

A better nights sleep last nigh, although I did wake up early, had a nice chat with CDP 🧚‍♀️.

Mrs S. was in the office today & I really wasn’t feeling it this morning ,so after breakfast I went back to bed for a couple of hours.

My brain drove me out of bed just after 9am, unless I’m really quite poorly I cannot stay in bed for too long.

So I was reflecting on the meeting with the Social Prescriber yesterday & subsequent conversations with friends on here.
I wonder if I NEED to be more social than I am now. I wonder if the benefits outweigh the stress / anxiety etc. of being in a group of people.

Also the fact that any decent support is a decent distance away. (thanks UK Gov - so much for the promised improvement in MH services NOT !)

I am social to an extent, I regularly chat , laugh ,cry etc with so many lovely folk on here. Yes it is a relationship in a digital environment, but does that make it any less valid an experience?
The Fediverse is unlike any other Social Platform, it is possible to develop real friendships here & the lack of an algorithm makes for a more interactive experience!

Honestly I don’t know, when actually confronted with the help available, if it is worth pursuing.

On a more positive note I had a great banter session with several of the Peeps on here this afternoon / evening , thanks to all who participated, I enjoyed it enormously! 😊

Final Thoughts.

I never expect that I was fighting for so little, it is quite the anti-climax.
I am glad I got my diagnosis, that has helped me understand myself in ways I did not expect, & almost every day I learn something new.
Apart from anything else I found a whole group of Peeps who relate to & share experiences & challenges unique to ND folk!

Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic I have consistently found that in person people are not worth the stress. Whether it's because I suck at real time interactions because of delayed processing or something else I don't know, but every time I try I am reminded of why I avoid in person people. I would say most experiences for me have led to additional trauma.

I think there's something to be said for the "right" people, but for me the right people seem to only exist online.

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic I have also found that I do better when organising a social thing than just as an attendee because I understand my role and what is going on, etc.
I host some events locally (not at the moment cos burnout and social politics stuff) and I enjoy those more than social events I have just attended.

I also do better with large groups than small or one to one even though the idea of large groups feels awful. In one to one or small groups I find it always ends badly.

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@ScottSoCal @Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic yes! So much this. And I can process stuff in my own time so I know what's being said, what I'm agreeing to, etc.

snoopy_jay , to actuallyautistic German
@snoopy_jay@mastodon.world avatar

@actuallyautistic To those who do not (!) have children: Is family important to you? I can not say that my family has mistreated me in any way or not accepted me the way I am, and yet I am drifting away further and further every year. I think I haven't seen any of them in, like, 7 years? I think I just don't like spending time with humans, related or not? 🫥

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@snoopy_jay @actuallyautistic my mother is abusive and my dad died when I was a young teen so my experience is coloured by that. I'm not close to them, no. It took me a very long time to get out of and away from the abuse.
But even for non abusive family members, we have nothing in common, we have never been close, I don't "get" it and tbh, the more I see other families the more I think this "family first" stuff is utter BS.
Family are the people who show up for you, genetics means nothing.

autism101 , to actuallyautistic
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Do you have any clothing routines? I own eight gray plain t-shirts with no tags which I love. I often will just wear them over and over again.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic I'm actually in the process of allowing myself to dress how I want now I realise I'm Autistic. I basically live in dungarees, especially the cord ones, because I adore them. And I'm slowly changing my wardrobe to be entirely pink because I love it but people have shamed me a lot in the past for wearing too much pink.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Slightly concerned that the next week is going to destroy me but I'm going to do my best to balance all the peopling with special interests and alone time.

Saturday - @RepairCafe_Barry followed by Hypno Café.

Sunday - hopefully a walk.

Monday, Tuesday - work.

Wednesday - work, bake a birthday cake, community pantry.

Thursday - entire day of top secret birthday fun I've organised for my BFF.

Friday - collapse in a heap.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

I am so bad at weekends and now my work week is settling into a routine thanks to my VA, the weekend issue is getting worse.

Like I desperately need every day to be the same or for "different" days to be planned well in advance so I know what to expect when they arrive. And I have no idea how to do that with weekends because they involve other people and weather and stuff I can't control.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to bookstodon
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

I finished reading Turtles All The Way Down by John Green and how I wish I'd had that book as a kid. Such an honest account of mental illness, you can tell it's written by someone who actually gets it.

@bookstodon

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Any recommendations for Autistic coaches?

Ideally also:
A woman.
In the UK.
Queer.
Knowledgeable about trauma / cPTSD.

@actuallyautistic

infinitesoleil , to bookstodon
@infinitesoleil@federatedfandom.net avatar

4 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This book was absolutely unhinged. That’s the best way I can describe it. The main character was unhinged, the way the book took a turn and nearly became a horror novel was unhinged. The way it ended was unhinged. I was getting so enraged at the main character’s behavior that I was live reacting as I read in a mutual’s DMs who had just finished reading the book the week prior.

Would I read this book again? Probably. Not anytime in the near future though. Aside from the insane plot line, this book touched on themes like interpersonal racism, discrimination, identity and authenticity, representation, cultural appropriation, and cancel culture.

@bookstodon

From: @infinitesoleil
https://federatedfandom.net/@infinitesoleil/112362438392855097

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@elysegrasso @infinitesoleil @bookstodon It does for me, it links to a post saying "currently reading Yellowface by R. F. Kuang."

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@elysegrasso @infinitesoleil @bookstodon I'm on desktop if that helps

LehtoriTuomo , to actuallyautistic

Someone asked whether I ever played Doom. No, not really. I told that I've never liked first person shooters and then it hit me. I never liked them as there's too much going on. In fact, I've never been a big fan of any types of shooters, the only exception being Cannon Fodder. Now, with the new-found autistic perspective, it makes perfect sense. Sensory overdrive all the time equals no fun. How about my fellow autistics, any fans of shooters?

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic I'm not. I'm too jumpy (not sure if that's Autism or cPTSD) but I got Quake 2 as a gift way back when and was determined to complete it, so I printed the walkthrough and did it that way, following it!

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Just watched the Autism From The Inside video about the SciShow episode.

Really great response video IMO. I've sent it as a reply to the We're Here email list too in the hopes it does make its way to the SciShow team and folks are listened to.

Video is here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bYPdc2cT-E

Edited to tag @actuallyautistic

dyani , to actuallyautistic
@dyani@social.coop avatar

Hmm is this an ND thing?

Ever since I can remember, I have strongly disliked pranks and have been against humor at the expense of someone else (making fun of them).

I know nice NT people also feel this way but I've felt this strongly since a very young age. Anyone else?

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@dyani @actuallyautistic oh yes. I have always hated pranks and april fool's day. And meanness as "joking."

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

"How have you been?" is such an odd question from someone you've never spoken to before.

How have I been since when? Since birth? Since the time you sent the message? Since some other randomly allotted time?

@actuallyautistic

ashleyspencer , to actuallyautistic
@ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

I did a very autistic thing and bought summer clothes in 2 to 4 packs.

I am now the proud owner of:

  • 9 capri leggings in 4 colors.

  • 10 of the same tank top all in different colors.

  • 4 bike shorts in different colors.

  • 17 autistic t-shirts from my store in 5 different colors (they come in more colors, I just buy the same colors lol)

I will officially wear the same outfits every day in various colors when both sleeping and being outside in the heat lol

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@ashleyspencer @actuallyautistic I'm slowly giving myself permission to do this. I wear dungarees and a tshirt most days, but I often feel "I should try not to wear pink today" because I'm aware that I wear pink a lot and people think it's weird.

OwenTyme , to bookstodon
@OwenTyme@mastodon.social avatar

I've found another online store that respects the price I've set on print copies of my books.

Has anyone ever heard of bookshop.org? Anything good or bad to say about them?

I found my books on it recently and the site has good reviews online, so I've added bookshop.org links to the list that shows up when you click on one of my books2read links.

My books on their site: https://bookshop.org/contributors/owen-tyme

@bookstodon

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@OwenTyme @bookstodon They're well reviewed by Ethical Consumer and recommended by them.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Wind is literally the worst weather in the entire world. It's immediate sensory overwhelm for me. I can't cope with it at all. There's no escape from it; even inside you still have the noise of the wind and all the noise it creates throwing things around.
I hate it and I want it to go away forever.

@actuallyautistic

JeremyMallin , to actuallyautistic
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

It seems that I'm better at dealing with major life or death emergencies that every day struggles. Why is that? Is that autistic thing?

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic yep, same. I think because for bigger issues I have, or can find, a blueprint for what to do. Whereas for day to day stuff it's just anything goes but somehow actually not anything goes and I have no idea what's happening.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Waiting for an electrician who was due at 9:30 is not a great way to start my day or week after I wrote in my journal last night about how stressed I am by not being able to plan anything or do what I'd planned because things keep breaking or going wrong and I just desperately need things to go smoothly for a bit so I can feel safe and be able to deal with shit again.

@actuallyautistic

ashleyspencer , to actuallyautistic
@ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

I'm honestly quite a bit afraid of socializing with neurotypical business owners. Like I'd be so excited to talk to fellow entrepreneurs, and then get humiliated when they think I'm a weirdo or immature.

I'm very socially inept in person. I get bullied a lot. Allistics think something is wrong with me and treat me as such.

I've walked away from so many social situations in tears.

Being by myself with my cats all the time is a lot better.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@ashleyspencer @actuallyautistic there a lot of ND and Autistic business spaces now. A lot of the groups I joined before I realised turned out to be groups of ND biz owners as we all gradually realised and/or got diagnosed.

I can point you to a few if you're interested

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Fellow @actuallyautistic folks, what are your experiences with and feelings about smart watches?

I realise that's a very broad question but I don't want to skew the replies by sharing my experience and why I'm asking!

Susan60 , to actuallyautistic
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

I forget who drew my attention to this, but thank you! It’s very long, so I suggest you stop at each break, (a chapter heading is displayed) & consider whether you want to come back to it later. I’d prefer it to be broken into several videos because it would be useful to share with allistic people, but I don’t expect them to watch a video thats over an hour long. @actuallyautistic

https://youtu.be/WA9B4_e6sS0?si=6djOdxA4lOru4XxR

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@llPK @Susan60 @actuallyautistic I've not seen that one yet but it's on my watch later.

Also I much prefer long form video content. I've watched the latest Contrapoints video twice so far. I really enjoy a deep dive, so I'm really glad video essays are still a thing

autism101 , to actuallyautistic
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Let’s talk tags on clothing. I hate them and they annoy me to no end. And even if I cut them off, the tiny bit remaining always manages to touch me and I hate it. 😩

Do tags bother you?

@actuallyautistic

image: unknown

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@nddev @autism101 @actuallyautistic they don't bother me as a rule either. There are some that have especially spiky corners but mostly they don't bother me.

I do get random itching and rashes for reasons unknown though.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Last night as I was going to bed I broke the screen to my laptop.

I have never broken a screen to anything in my entire life.

I don't break things. I don't damage things.
I'm the "everything is looked after" flavour of Autistic.

I can't afford a new laptop or even a replaced screen (assuming it's even replaceable). I don't know what to do.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell OP ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@actuallyautistic also it's a touch screen so now it doesn't work properly at all and I might have a meltdown because I also have to have my assessment in half an hour.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

call today. Teams isn't working (as usual) and the plan was to have my support worker on video on Teams while also on the conference call.

Because it's not working now they will only be on the conference call.

So now trying to deal with stress of phone call, plus change, plus not having the visual of my support worker. Not good.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

I feel like the current internalised ableism and trauma I'm working through is accepting I have higher support needs than I'd previously accepted.

My mother has always held both these attitudes towards me:

  1. You'll never be independent, "you're a lifer."

  2. Everyone else can do this stuff, you can do it you're just lazy/don't want to/selfish/etc,

Recognising and accepting my support needs is an ongoing challenge at the moment.

@actuallyautistic

ScruffyDux , to actuallyautistic
@ScruffyDux@fosstodon.org avatar

@actuallyautistic A huge deal for me since diagnosis has been the progressive realisation that so many things I thought were psychological were actually physiological the entire time.

It's been one thing after another after another, to the point where I now understand psychology has always been a very minor component of the issues I deal with.

Anyone relate?

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic yes, absolutely. I was told from very very young that basically I was imagining everything and everything I experienced was a symptom of mental illness.

I'm 35 and only now realising that actually much of it is very real and often easy to mitigate stuff - noise for example is a huge issue for me and I am dramatically less anxious when there is less of it. I'm not actually anxious, it's just the sensory overload.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Is there any point me contacting my GP about my ? Can they actually do anything at all?

Asking cos I just went to make dinner. Found stuff I had to do first and had as meltdown in the kitchen, after which I had to retreat upstairs again to recover, without the food or drink I went down for. And now I'm stressed because I put stir fry in my app and I can't go make stir fry now so that's wrong, and I know I can change it but it's not that simple.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

I did way too much yesterday and now I'm totally wiped.
Still in bed.

@actuallyautistic

autism101 , to actuallyautistic
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Anxiety is my constant companion. I’m always anxious and it only varies in degrees. It’s been this way my entire life. Nothing really changes that fact.

Do you deal with anxiety?

@actuallyautistic

image: @worrywellbeing

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic my skin picking and biting would indicate yes...

18+ alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

I'm so burnt out I'm struggling to eat and drink, and my sleep is worse too.

I know some of it is the energy and executive function of both eating and making food and also deciding what to make/eat.
I've pushed myself today (pushed so hard I'm now crying) to make soup and pizza dough.

Telling myself I don't have to eat properly today, I just have to survive.

@actuallyautistic

AutieScot , to random
@AutieScot@mastodon.scot avatar

I've seen a fair amount of anecdotal theories that sensory sensitivities get worse with age; however I'm curious as to whether that may be caused by many older autistic people experiencing which also makes sensory stuff worse...

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@AutieScot anecdotal but mine definitely get worse when I'm in burnout - they are incredibly bad right now.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

"Does anyone in UK know of its possible to get social care support without it being thought of as a welfare concern for your kids?"

Shared with permission from the private account of a friend.

@actuallyautistic @adhd

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

I'm so burnt out that even getting out of bed feels impossible 😞.

I really need to try and work in bed at least but I just have nothing left.

@actuallyautistic

StevenSaus , to actuallyautistic

This Healio article seems to indicate that propranolol -- a blood pressure drug -- may be useful in reducing anxiety (and other "symptoms", grrrrr) among autists, though they're primarily looking at children.

Any adult autistic folx taking this medication for blood pressure? Can you speak to your experiences with it?

https://www.healio.com/news/cardiology/20240130/bp-medication-may-reduce-anxiety-symptoms-in-children-young-adults-with-autism

@actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@StevenSaus @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd I took this before I knew I was Autistic for anxiety as an adult and it was, and to this date has been, the only thing that has every actually helped my anxiety but my GP had to stop prescribing it years ago because it was an off label treatment and they weren't happy he was using it that way.

janbartosik , to bookstodon
@janbartosik@witter.cz avatar

I have never made it to and its alternative is still underdeveloped. Esp. in terms of user interaction and books catalogue.

Any suggestions? I'm after tracking, occasional short review and recommendation from other users.

@bookstodon

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@janbartosik @bookstodon totally recommend Storygraph. I've been using it for years now - I pay for premium because I want to support but the free features are great.
It's less good at the community side but they do awesome recommendations, stats and awesome filter options on your TBR list.

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@templetongate @janbartosik @bookstodon IMO their catalogue has improved and it's really easy to add books yourself now. They also recently added a barcode scanner for book finding and adding.

skaeth , to bookstodon
@skaeth@writing.exchange avatar

What are your thoughts on DNF (Did Not Finish)-ing books? Do you feel guilty about it? Do you worry you missed out on something? Or are you confident in dropping a book and reaching for the next one?

At what point are you most likely to DNF, if ever? What sorts of things cause you to DNF?

My friend, book blogger Kriti, was musing on these questions a while back, and it sparked this new post: https://armedwithabook.com/dealing-with-dnf-the-practice-of-did-not-finish/

@bookstodon

alexisbushnell ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@skaeth @bookstodon I used to feel guilty and push myself to finish books. Now I take the life's too short attitude - if I don't like it, no matter how few pages in I am, I DNF it. Maybe I'll go back to it another time cos I'm just in the wrong mindset, maybe I never pick it up again. But I want to enjoy what I'm reading.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Omg the relief. They're putting me on the waiting list for a full Autism assessment!

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

I am so beyond exhausted. It is absolutely ridiculous that in order to even try and get help you have to put yourself in a position where you're unable to do the work you're already being paid for, let alone look for or take on more work, so you get into an increasingly desperate situation trying to get help because you're in a desperate situation.

Fuck the system.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Right I should really try to sleep (or at least rest) because tomorrow is going to be really, really hard.

3 hours travel and my Autism triage assessment.

Please send spoons and spell slots and good vibes and basically anything you've got because I am so nervous (and still waiting to hear about the job I applied for too).

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell OP ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Having to get a commuter train to my assessment and it is a special kind of hell.

alexisbushnell OP ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Getting to my autism triage assessment was absolutely awful. I was late. Commuter trains. I got the wrong bus and even when I asked for the ticket the driver didn't tell me so I ended up in Cardiff and had to get another train back to Penarth.

I suspect it's all for nothing too. They asked a lot of stereotypical questions and so cos I was such a mess from the travel I couldn't think. Even about special interest stuff, I just couldn't think.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Fun* fact: as I've got older my recovery time and the after effects from meltdowns are increasing.

*not at all fun.

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Me, an human, "omg why does this flannel smell so strong? It's like it's been soaked in perfume. How has it got such a strong smell? WTF?"

@Uselessgeneration (an allistic/ADHD human) "...it just smells of wet flannel."

@actuallyautistic

alexisbushnell OP ,
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

@webhat @Uselessgeneration @actuallyautistic oh it definitely doesn't only smell of wet flannel. There is some perfumed something in it from somewhere, I can smell it super strongly.

Just made me realise that my Autistic sensory stuff shows up in areas I hadn't realised before.

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