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Musings and madwall notebook outlet and amplification of my (Ray's pop: he/his)and other artists' art
Embracing/celebrating neurodivergence is praxis
Unforgivable vibes:
Despair, envy, 'entitlement' (EVERYONE is,) obstinacy

Unforgivable act:
Lie (it's theology)

Infection of them in2 your lifestyle is fash adj at best

Love and ruthless mirth in lieu of lifelong scandal and colic
Seid umschlungen!


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aaronesilvers , to actuallyautistic avatar
VoxofGod , avatar

@aaronesilvers @masukomi @actuallyautistic

General rule in the opera community is you have to give yourself 3 years between The event and return to the same city

sebwhatever , to actuallyautistic avatar


I'm feeling a little low today. What are some things that you folx do to help yourselves out of a funk?

VoxofGod , avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic

I have a list of things I do in order to maintain myself in contentment

Sunlight, singing, artificially putting a spring in my step, lots of sleep

Those are a few things... I should do a list

As an opportunity that is slightly depressed, I have a bag of mitigations for less than content moods, because you can't sing if you're not happy

VoxofGod , avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic another thing to consider is the smile

A frown is mostly just a ratcheting of resting bitch face

I know I've told this at least once But an old teacher of mine long gone who was a fifth avenue trust fund Maven had great stories

Someone called him because wanted to go to the Opera.

To get in the cab sits back her face goes slack and she says Tell me when we're 5 minutes away

Does so, and her face brightens up she has a smile on it ready..

VoxofGod , avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic They get into the show, sit in their box the lights go down shoot relaxes her face and says Tell me when it's 5 minutes from the end of the act

He does so

She brightens up and puts on a performance for the whole intermission

And so on

Gravity pulls our face down

Just to get to smile requires reaction to gravity & a paralyzed face, two reasons our smiles can be forced.

when it's in our best interest to be happy but we are being thwarted, it's permission..

VoxofGod , avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic In my opinion it's permission to defensively mask

And what I mean is also prophylactic defense

If you're all the way down into RBF, or actual frowning which is a ratcheting of RBF You have all of these different nuts to untie

So being mindful enough to keep them untied is what to do when the happiness isn't there

So you don't have to work through them

The opening of the mouth should easily be above the bottom of upper teeth

Nostrils maximum flare, jaw open..

VoxofGod , avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic If you look at yourself in the mirror with your teeth together, it's a very tense look

Lightly open is the way

A slight o with the lips everything relaxed so that gravity fills that area up with water instead of tension making it harsh lines that take time to undo

It's pure logistics for me because if I don't and I get cramped in an angry face, I can't sing sometimes for months

olena , to actuallyautistic avatar

I’ve heard today that people don’t form habits, they create routines.
I thought of my ‘useful habits’ - and yeah, right, they are routines.
But then I thought: well, what’s the difference then? What is a habit if NOT a routine?
Can anyone help me with examples of what may be a habit, but not a routine?


VoxofGod , avatar
VoxofGod , avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic Well smoking can be a routine as well, but it certainly becomes a habit.

I might be wrong about this but I think addiction can form as a result of habit combined with some other things

I feel like addiction is habit to the extreme?

You can be addicted to crack as a child, But never having done it, because your mom did it while you were in the womb

So, I think we have some overlap in all directions here but I don't know

VoxofGod , avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic

Maybe habits and routines form as a result of addiction, or how to manage it?

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic avatar

I feel like the current internalised ableism and trauma I'm working through is accepting I have higher support needs than I'd previously accepted.

My mother has always held both these attitudes towards me:

  1. You'll never be independent, "you're a lifer."

  2. Everyone else can do this stuff, you can do it you're just lazy/don't want to/selfish/etc,

Recognising and accepting my support needs is an ongoing challenge at the moment.


VoxofGod , avatar

@alexisbushnell @actuallyautistic I really have needed daily care my whole life.

But when the family has to keep up appearances, and certainly all the money my grandfather was sending to the family wasn't enough to keep my mom in clothes, My Care went by the wayside

Anytime I tried to take care of myself, I was gas-lit and or humiliated into behaving more normally

At the same time being told that I would never be normal or likable because I was so weird very catch 22

ScruffyDux , to actuallyautistic avatar

@actuallyautistic A huge deal for me since diagnosis has been the progressive realisation that so many things I thought were psychological were actually physiological the entire time.

It's been one thing after another after another, to the point where I now understand psychology has always been a very minor component of the issues I deal with.

Anyone relate?

VoxofGod , avatar

@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic

I've had diverticulosis since I was a boy

Everyone just always rolling their eyes when I was around and avoiding me and saying I was so difficult behind my back

All my family

Certainly no friends

Even had to fight with the doctors who didn't want to give me the colo that confirmed

It has made me so violently against gaslighting and manipulation that it tends to run my life

vger , to actuallyautistic avatar

I think I'm done with watching real competitive team sports. I've always had problems with excitement when watching my favorite team play. I've watched yesterdays super bowl, my team being the 49ers. My heart was racing the whole game and it was impossible for me to control my temper in any way, I was stimming like crazy the whole time. Regardless of my team losing, I did not get anything positive out of that experience. I just felt miserable the whole game.


VoxofGod , avatar

@vger @actuallyautistic I think that I can surf the wave of vibes and fun and camaraderie that happen in professional sports and that can be fun on occasion but it's pretty vacuous.

This level of competitive sports was developed by the British as of bread and circus

US turns it into a lifelong zombie making machine

But it can be fun to step into the demographic circle jerk on occasion

I've never found it real though

VoxofGod , avatar

@vger @actuallyautistic The thing is, in the same way that cis heterosexual men get so much and are given so much because that hyper focused passionate joy is infectious and very attractive, that crowd build up of emotion is thrilling and never leaves you.

I think that's what the Bible is referring to when they say mankind have no greater thing under the Sun than to eat drink and be merry.

To be able to live like that is great

The only thing greater is to multiply the people who are able to

VoxofGod , avatar

@vger @actuallyautistic and the autistic person's life is for the most part totally different than that there's a hyper focus and that's almost never popular, and problem with noises and crowds make it less fun, and on the flip side we feel left out because we're not too easily going to fit in that group

autism101 , to actuallyautistic avatar

Watching the same show over-and-over again is one way I regulate the autistic side of my brain. But the ADHD side sure gets bored sometimes.

Do you watch any shows on repeat?


image: @NoNonsenseND

VoxofGod , avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic

Being a big fan of Teresa of Avila my evening white noise is to play Teresa de Jesus mini-series starring concha velasco on in the background while I sleep

I get to practice my Spanish a little bit get to learn about Teresa of Avila because it's a dense 8 hours

Another one is pride and prejudice

I've been watching the recruit as well, recently three times now, social dynamic shows help me understand social issues and reactions more effectively

VoxofGod , avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic

But being very noise sensitive in New York City next to a subway that comes out of ground in an apartment building, it's a challenge unless I mitigate all the time so I tend to have television on all the time

I'm getting better at this though

It's an excellent white noise especially if I know what TV I am watching

Whatever noise is happening outside my rooms can be ignored because a softer noise happens inside and my brain can latch on and ignore the rest

VoxofGod , avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic This technique has scared away five roommates each of them were worse than the last

autism101 , to actuallyautistic avatar

It’s ridiculous that SSI in the U.S. isn’t enough to even cover basic housing anywhere.


VoxofGod , avatar

@BeamsAndBows @autism101 @actuallyautistic @mybarkingdogs

It's a lot less secure, but in other ways it is more secure and yes I'm talking about putting it under your mattress 🙂
Finding a way to hide cash so that you don't get burned

Heard a rumor that they were talking about removing it but that would not make sense This is there to make it more difficult to be sick by the means testing Nazis in government

VoxofGod , avatar

@Shkshkshk @actuallyautistic

Yeah this put animals rights back 20 years

So ableist

So milk is to blame for the scourge that is autism It's like a double fuckyou

ajsadauskas , (edited ) to technology avatar

My real worry with Google's voyage into enshittification (thanks to Cory Doctorow @pluralistic the term) is YouTube.

Through YT, for the past 15 years, the world has basically entrusted Google to be the custodian of pretty much our entire global video archive.

There's countless hours of archived footage — news reports, political speeches, historical events, documentaries, indie films, academic lectures, conference presentations, rare recordings, concert footage, obscure music — where the best or only copy is now held by Google through YouTube.

So what happens if maintaining that archival footage becomes unprofitable?


VoxofGod , avatar

@ajsadauskas @pluralistic @technology

Curious if you are aware of anyway of downloading one's content off YouTube for this all but inevitable moment?

autism101 , to actuallyautistic avatar

Do you ever find yourself oversharing with complete strangers in social settings?



VoxofGod , avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic


All the time

I use it as a way of deciding who I will spend energy getting to know... Seeing the reaction

I also have an off button when need be

PossiblyAutistic , to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic How much of a thing is "friendzoning" with neurodivergents?

VoxofGod , avatar

@PossiblyAutistic @actuallyautistic

I think that as more people start to identify as neurodivergent something similar might start happening, but overcommunication often seems to be the issue with autistic people in the first place will probably manifest differently

I'm very used to hearing guys tease me about how women come on to me and I'm blind to it

When your mom hates you with a smile on her face, it's hard to see any affection is real

Women are almost always friendzoned for me and

VoxofGod , avatar

@PossiblyAutistic @actuallyautistic It's mostly because I don't know how to communicate realities in my life without either over sharing or annoying or disgusting someone, lol

I think that a lot of times with autistic people it's either only friend zone or easy bonding and sex because when the possibility presents itself quite obviously, it's rare enough that people will jump at the shot 🙂

Also, autistics can be quite experimental and spicy in bed

eo , to actuallyautistic avatar

@actuallyautistic I have always struggled with anhedonia. Since I learned about "Autistic joy" and have seen what a pure experience of joy an autistic child can have, I'm wondering what is wrong with me again. Too many experiences seem essentially ruined, and I feel like I should be able to tell you why and how, but I can't. I am beginning to read "The Neuroscience of Happiness and Pleasure" (NIHMS257673) … does anyone relate?

VoxofGod , avatar

@eo @actuallyautistic

Feels like happiness was stolen out of my life by my family

Because I was expected to look happy and not make waves even though I was in physical pain with diverticulosis

To this day it has never resolved and while I can manufacture happiness through techniques or with my dog, and it helps bring about real contentment there's always an asterix next to any description I have contentment

essie_is_okay , to actuallyautistic avatar

How did you make a more robust sense of self? How do you know when your sense of self is strong or weak? Interested to hear people's lived experiences.

Years of dissociation and masking makes it hard to feel what is me.


VoxofGod , avatar

@essie_is_okay @actuallyautistic

Being gas lit by my family even now about some really basic stuff, I'm 53, a sense of self has been hard for me my whole life ignoring pain ignoring fear ignoring hate from my family etc

Getting away from them helped

For me, Faith is very important. And my art and my dog

But recently as my voice has recuperated and developed, it has given me confidence to ignore my family's voices in my head

To sing, you got to be happy so it was a Fiat I had no choice

VoxofGod , avatar

@essie_is_okay @actuallyautistic

So, being happy as a singer is an essential so I have learned how to cultivate that regardless of many things

But another thing happened, Raymond had been traveling with me my RV to visit some family and it was comically horrible

I just slogged on through because that's what I've learned

But Ray reacted to my anxiety

Vet told me he was anxious

And that was like a mandate for me to stop being afraid because Ray was afraid because I was afraid

elonjet , to random avatar

Landed in Austin, Texas, United States. Apx. flt. time 14 min.

VoxofGod , avatar

@elonjet fuk this guy

samid , to actuallyautistic avatar

"nine out of ten autistic women victims of sexual violence."
I do run into autistic men sometimes, that feel victimized. And there are many reasons for that, that we don't need to discuss. Just sometimes they start crying about girls having it easier. I know. you laugh, but it still happens. And there's also those neurodivergent men who suffer from not being able to be trad. men. Living up to toxic standards. And they get all bamboozled and start believing, women have an easier time. You laugh. But again. It happens. That's why I'm linking this paper, again.
Some neurodivergent white males have never thought about intersectionality. I raised my kid in a poor neighborhood. The amount of misogyny that rains down on a female baby that acts out, screams, causes trouble, displays aggression, is ridiculous. There is a reason for female autistic masking. Which, together with gender data gap ( misogyny ) creates the four in one ratio in diagnoses of autism. The reason for masking is survival. And survival gets more difficult with each intersection you have in your life. I don't want to explain this time and again. Please, autistic males, get your colleagues up to speed.That's why I'm posting this.


VoxofGod , avatar

@samid @actuallyautistic

Greetings from an autistic man that was sexually assaulted at age 12, for their first sexual experience

Then had their mother gaslight them about it to protect her gravy train...

Only now four decades later am I able to envision what life is like for people who don't have the truth daily conditioned out of them

JeremyMallin , to actuallyautistic avatar

Are there any Autistics who do not have internalized about themselves? 🙋‍♂️

How do you overcome a lifetime of that?


VoxofGod , avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic personally I go on two tracks, I have my overarching identity which is riddled with pathology but I'm doing worthwhile stuff for my own self so I take the pathology for what it is

But on a more micro level from thing to thing and on a day-to-day basis I keep track of how self abusive I am being and the weirdness that is happening to me socially and how it's different or not I am more exacting about my social and mental health always trying to improve on the arc

tomkindlon , to disability avatar
VoxofGod , avatar

@tomkindlon @chronicillness @spoonies @disability @mecfs @longcovid

This is happening more and more recently people are starting to decide people are not disabled, at least in my experience I've had people comment on the fact that I can't be disabled because I take the stairs

My reaction is FUCKYOU

I mean first off I push myself through pain in order to make sure that I can do it again

Cuz if I dont the voice goes away waiting to get better

Being a singer takes more than just taking stairs

autism101 , to actuallyautistic avatar

Did you get labeled as a “picky eater” when you were growing up?


VoxofGod , avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic I have diverticulosis and had it as a boy



Was one of the things that made my mom give up on me

elonjet , to random avatar

Landed near San Juan, (unassigned), PR. Apx. flt. time 3 h 22 min.

VoxofGod , avatar

@elonjet looks like they're stealing enough land down in Puerto Rico to make private unnamed air strips now?

independentpen , to actuallyautistic avatar

@actuallyautistic A lot of people on here talk about meltdowns as a regular, visible thing. I know we're all different, but this is so far from my experience I started feeling a little impostery. I have had melts before, ie I've completely lost control and either: fled to save myself and others from me, or sort of left my body like a blackout (while still walking/talking) ... 1/

VoxofGod , avatar

@independentpen @actuallyautistic think that depending on how early meltdown start happening for you they become second nature

If you are able to put off meltdowns for a long time when it comes it's a biggie

MarjoleinRotsteeg , to poetry Dutch avatar
VoxofGod , avatar

@MarjoleinRotsteeg @stevencudahy @poetry

Has it occurred to you that you could sing this with the same tune as Carly Simon's anticipation?

VoxofGod , avatar
sebwhatever , to actuallyautistic avatar


I'm raging internally. Texting with one of my brothers and while i'm practically pleading for him to see the pain i've shouldered for ten years. He keeps making excuses and empty platitudes and victim-blaming.

VoxofGod , avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic

Yeah it does not get better

I tried for decades with my youngest brother

Who my family props up so much I'm calling him polished turd

That is so standoffish with me that literally no one I tell the story to isn't shocked

Sorry about this

Be gentle with yourself and bounce back as quickly as possible

Without suppressing anything


VoxofGod , avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic relax your abdominals, let your sternum rise

With each exhale don't let the sternum fall just let the exhale come from the gut so that it collapses while the sternum stays high

Also doing the cow/cat breathing exercise is good

On your hands and knees looking up with a flat back

Inhaling and letting the gut be heavy

Exhaling making a cat back and pushing the gut against the spine

It's just a process of letting the muscles de-knit from cockroach crouch survival

Uair , to actuallyautistic avatar

@actuallyautistic @AtheismActually

Did anyone notice that a lot of people seem to have broken their understanding of causality? I mean that people don't comprehend that people's actions cause future effects; they see the world as a chaotic montage rather than the plotted story it mostly is.

I know it's a defense mechanism against serious abuse as a kid, but it seems to be everywhere these days. Is the end of the world just too much for too many to handle?

VoxofGod , avatar

@Uair @actuallyautistic @AtheismActually

There were remarks written about/during the years leading up to the crisis of world war II, and how an hysteria enters the public

@AnarchoNinaWrites mentioned it several iterations ago on the bird site drawing the comparison to what is happening today... That was years ago, it's so much more so now.

undefined_variable , to actuallyautistic avatar


So, folks, when a combination of autistic shutdown and a major depressive episode due ongoing stress hits you hard, when that final little (or not so little) straw yet again lands on your back... Do you have someone to turn to for help, you can count on?

Two of my closest peeps are dealing with some heavy poopoo themselves, so ain't gonna bother them, and not much they could do either, I recon. Just shut down totally for a couple of hours, like lights out, nobody working in the head office (the butterfly meme here with "Is this dissociating?) Woke up now, and I have no clue what to do, who to turn to (and yes, I've had social workers and nurses and all kinds of professional contacts, but alas, with this particular straw, nobody seems to be able or rather willing to help). Also, is there an "Actually Depressed" group? Seriously, if someone knows a good peer support chat for depression/the worse kind of depression, fling me a PM or something. My old one has pretty much died, no pun intended...

VoxofGod , avatar

@undefined_variable @innervisioner @actuallyautistic

A lot was done for me because of EMDR. I was able to get past some trauma and at least be able to understand the scope of it.

And de-trigger it and teach me that mechanism so I could develop it through my life

haui , to actuallyautistic avatar

Being @actuallyautistic and for me means I often get told the following, initially:

„No! You‘re wrong! What a shit take! You have no idea what you‘re talking about! Stop the drugs, man!“ and the like.

After some discussion, people say:

„I have not thought of it this way. I got you wrong. We should actually consider doing it your way. You seem to have deeper insight than the average person.“

This often makes me question my place in this world. Anyone else?

VoxofGod , avatar

@haui @actuallyautistic

Blamed for getting it right, and gas lit about it for as long as everyone is still wanting to believe the old facts

And then once everyone has been able to put it into words that they either can or must accept, erasure of you because it was just too stressful to have to deal with that person

Change is not fun for most everybody

And you end up having to shut your head down and not see it, because others don't want to.

It's a life, not necessarily fun or real though

JeremyMallin , to actuallyautistic avatar

A thing I don't get about (one of many things)

Why does everyone talk about the weather shortly after greeting each other?

"Um? Yes, I too went outside. That's how we both got here."

Did they think you didn't notice on the way over? 🤔


VoxofGod , avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic

I think the words are very secondary It's about being yourself and vibing your vibe close to someone else so that that person can vibe your vibe a little bit as well

JeremyMallin , to actuallyautistic avatar

I was well into adulthood when I finally figured out why no bath towel ever seems absorbent enough.

  1. I'm ; so, any moisturev at all on my skin greatly bothers me.

  2. Skin soaks up water like a sponge. Even if you remove all the surface moisture, some water absorbed by the skin still makes its way back out to the surface.

  3. Most bath towels truly are awful regardless.


VoxofGod , avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic linen towels rock

Sci_Fi_FanGirl , to actuallyautistic German avatar

A few weeks ago, someone asked me what makes me happy or what I enjoy doing. I said, among others, that I liked playing the guitar very much, but hadn't done it in a while. Couldn't say why I hadn't.

This bothered me. I thought about it and finally found out why I had stopped: I had played something for a friend and felt very ashamed afterwards. Why did I do it in the first place? Why this song? How could I even think it was worth showing?

Can't seem to get over it.


VoxofGod , avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic

This is another great example of how our world is so upside down

Singing dancing art in general is done for


To find that happiness that you can't find any other way that peace

The thing is, especially when you get good at finding the peace, others want to be around it

But now in this world where you have to justify your existence by money, the question is whether or not you are good enough to perform?

Totally backwards

Every performance is perfect

VoxofGod , avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic

You're preaching to the choir there...

About any question the reason I have to speak so forcefully about this stuff is because the voices in my head are constantly trying to persuade me that I'm wrong about that

VoxofGod , avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic

And I'm an old theater horse

In my fourth decade of professional performing

btaroli , to actuallyautistic avatar

I was in a weird null space this past weekend. I knew I had things I wanted to get to but just had literally no drive to do much. I did manage a few things but these were in the evening.

Sometimes I think my pattern is that I’m more productive when there are literally no people around that I know of. It’s not that they’re talking to me, but the very prospect of having to expend energy interacting with or avoiding them switches my drive off.


VoxofGod , avatar

@HaelusNovak @btaroli @actuallyautistic

This stuff can be cruel and the wrong type of person can take it the wrong way and the wrong type of person can use it to their advantage

Marlena Dietrich wanted to go to the opera so she asked a vocal teacher of mine

He picked her up she got in the cab and said, "Tell me when we're 5 minutes away"

She had a very blank face until he told her. At which time she brightened it up

Inside the Opera, tell me when we're 5 minutes from the end
Same thing...

VoxofGod , avatar

@HaelusNovak @btaroli @actuallyautistic

She lifted her a whole face with a little bit of a smile and bright eyes and etc to get rid of resting bitch face

RBF for short

I struggle with this as well in many different ways

I can be in pain and have to mask it or people feel uncomfortable

I can be scared/lonely/angry same thing

But that smile thing can help if I know that I am being watched and there's a passive way of doing it without using star wattage

There are many quick tricks one can..

VoxofGod , avatar

@HaelusNovak @btaroli @actuallyautistic employ to project and engaged content face.

If you're not content people start to worry about you and about the general vibe etc

So like I said a little bit of a half smile nostrils flared, keeping the upper lip above the bottom of the upper teeth.

And spending enough time training the bottom lip to rest above the upper teeth as well

If your ombiture(sp? Mouth posture) is not active/high one look like you're frowning, two, it makes your lips deflate 🙏

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