I saw elsewhere here someone saying to stop using #Huel because it's ultimately camping food. One of my #neurospicy friends recommended it & my order came today. I'm sharing because for many #autistic people food prep is very draining & getting the #nutrition we need can be a challenge. I have the privilege of a very thoughtful & culinary partner who's kept me fed for over 2 decades. But this new career post gradschool has messed up my eating routine & I hope this will be a good supplement.
We're both getting on in years. She's older than me and she's worried that if she goes before me (not imminently.. 20 to 30 years at least I hope) I'll be on my own without friends.
I keep telling there's a difference between being lonely or being alone.
I don't really have a social life outside of my wife and her friends (and I consider them HER friends rather than mine) but that's fine for me #autistic#ActuallyAutistic
I love my alone time, and I would feel very much like you are if someone kept emphasizing to me that I need to go make friends.
I don't know how I would feel being alone for an extended period. I've been alone for 2-3 weeks and not felt particularly lonely within that time period - but I also knew my wife was coming back.
My very small social network (2-3 close friends) is almost exclusively online. When I don't talk to those people regularly, I feel lonely. That makes me think that socializing online is enough to fend off the loneliness, but I'm not entirely sure.
Honestly - you know yourself better than anyone else. If you've given it some thought and concluded that it's not important to you, and you don't feel like you're missing anything, that's perfectly okay and valid.
@DoctorDisco@actuallyautistic
I am by nature very solitary. Always lived alone and very happily. The lockdowns for me were a dream and heaven
However, as I get older and with only a couple of nieces left to call my family and virtually no support network I am conscious I may have to change my ways somewhat and begin to work on that a little.
Just not entirely sure how yet.
Two different psychs now told me I have "autistic traits" significant enough to have fucked my life.
I'm functional enough that I don't qualify for state help, and won't be able to afford private care for a while, so I have to DIY.
Could anyone recommend resources on how autistic adults can learn to deal with the condition, especially when it comes to socialization?
Thank you <3
@xarvh
You are welcome in the #ActuallyAutistic community here. We talk about all types of things, including our life experiences, which can be very validating.
We've been sent a huge questionnaire from our daughter's psychologist about her childhood and we are meeting with them in a few weeks time for an in depth interview.
There's some suggestion that she may be #autistic and this has played a major role in her troubles over recent years.
I'm suspending judgement because I don't know enough about the subject and Internet research on #autism in adult females isn't particularly helpful. I'm leaving this one to the professionals
Do allistic people really need constant interaction with others? In person? It sounds horrific. I lived with other people for years. Often they want interaction. That's just brutal for the autistic mind isn't it? #Autism#autistic#neurodiverse#lgbtqi#ActuallyAutistic
@ideogram@actuallyautistic Gvt as well, opposite side of the planet but same King. ;)
Somehow they can talk effusively about Equality-Diversity-Inclusion and how important "these people" are to the organization... and on the same breath discuss authoritatively (with wide nods all over the room) on how they value networking and how they all need to push back on promotions (even on the technical path) until someone has developed better social skills. 🤷♂️
After 20 years at my current job - and 20 years of evaluations that say I'm wonderful, but need to work on my communication and social skills - they've come around. I told them flat out, if you interrupt me I'll be brusque, even rude. Schedule a meeting, let me know what it's about so I can prepare, and I'll talk your ears off. Don't spring things on me.
@dmcahill Thanks for sharing. Good article. Even though I live in a different country, have a different gender and a different job, this text could have been mine. So many stories of those identified later in life are quite similar to one another.
I’m a cis male, but my autistic traits correlate with those of cis female individuals.
The study of autism is plagued with sexism, even to this day. There is definitely more awareness of the problem nowadays, but the prevalent view of how autism presents in people is largely based on antiquated stereotypes. If you are white, male, and you annoy your parents, you are more likely to get diagnosed by the professionals, than if you are not white, not male, and manage to mask your autism.
(A quick note on my terminological choices. I have no idea how being trans or nonbinary may affect autistic presentation. I don’t mean to exclude, but I also don’t want to speak about things that I’m not familiar with. I’m sorry about this.)
I believe now that my own deceased mother was autistic too, but went undiagnosed because of this sexism. She was bipolar, and alcoholic. These are often the conditions that women who are not diagnosed experience. She was treated for both conditions, but no treatment took. These treatments did not take, because they were dealing with the symptoms of autism, without dealing with the autism itself.
Early on in my research about autism, I came upon this site:
I’ve taken many of the self-assessment tests there, and I always end up neurotypical or borderline autistic. The DSM-5 is not helpful either. Actually, I think it is a step back from the online self-assessment tests. No psychiatrist of mine has ever suggested autism as an explanation for my mental troubles. I’ll remind you that I’m self-diagnosed.
Fediverse user @ImmedicableME recently posted a link to this page:
It is not the first time I find that the female presentation of autism is more reflective of how I present, too. In the book Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, the author talks of a period of time during which doctors talked about male and female autism. When I was reading this book, I could easily see my traits listed among those that doctors assigned to females.
In fiction, too, I find myself closer to the female autistic characters than the male ones. I am nothing like Rain Man, or Sheldon Cooper. I’m not rude, nor do I have an obsession with trains. The character I compare myself readily to is Quinni from Heartbreak High, an autistic girl.
For the record, I do not think that it is scientifically valid, or useful to talk about “male” and “female” autism anymore. I do not have a problem with the page I linked to above, which gives a list of traits generally linked with being female. It is important to raise the awareness that autism in females may present differently than the stereotypes.
However, once the awareness has been raised, it is better to drop the labels male and female. I am a cis male who presents mostly like a female. I think, just like my mother was undiagnosed because she did not present the male stereotype, so am I have been undiagnosed by the professionals because I do not present as the male stereotype either. Still, again, once I’ve given this explanation, I no longer want to use the binary to explain autism.
Now, I don’t have a great explanation for why I present the way I do. I suspect the pressure of living with a narcissistic father are partially to blame. I sometimes say that I don’t experience meltdowns, but this is not correct. I do experience them, but very rarely. My father, however, is an expert at triggering meltdowns in me. He knows exactly what buttons to push. Therefore, to avoid presenting too big an opportunity to him to press my buttons, I’ve learned to camouflage my autism.
My mother’s and my case are direct examples of how sexism hinders our access to medical care. We’ve both been bitten in the ass because of our manifestation of symptoms did not conform to the stereotype.
@yourautisticlife@actuallyautistic Perhaps it’s not really traits found in female autism and simply lesser-recognized traits or traits more often seen in autistic people who are able to mask or in those with a certain type of social/emotional intelligence.
I’m not familiar with research addressing why these are ascribed to females, but it seems that traits attributed to sex (and to some extent gender, since some of this could be due to sex-based socialization) are becoming irrelevant.
As an #autistic user of your website, I'm working hard enough just to cope with reading your text. Please don't also make me cope with stuff that moves or slides or fades too. Just present me with a static, stable thing to parse in my own time. And don't have things that move or slide (eg. fancy navbars) when I move my pointer (which I may be doing as a reading aid).
And here on Mastodon I've had to mute so many people because they use animated gifs in their user name.
Unfortunately, @trunksapp - which is the best Mastodon client I've found so far for my needs - doesn't stop these from moving, flashing, flickering or whatever the hell else the user thought would be amusing.
A couple of things I don't see mentioned in other replies: first, when discussing autistic stuff, you're free to @ the @actuallyautistic group, since you're autistic. Following that group will bring you instantly into contact with lots of other #ActuallyAutistic people.
I've seen a fair amount of anecdotal theories that #autistic sensory sensitivities get worse with age; however I'm curious as to whether that may be caused by many older autistic people experiencing #AutisticBurnout which also makes sensory stuff worse...
https://www.alfiekohn.org/blogs/autism - Alfie Kohn, 2020, on ABA, Applied behavior analysis, basically Skinner's operant conditioning, that STILL is in use for/with #autistic people, especially children:
"Suppose you participated in implementing a widely used strategy for dealing with homelessness, only to learn that the most outspoken critics of that intervention were homeless people. Would that not stop you in your tracks?"
@samid@actuallyautistic I believe the thing is, the mere act of smiling when you dont feel like it means the same in masking [M] and emotional labor [EL], youre right. But ALL scientific research that is referring to the concept of or containing the term EL has the proposition of an NT person that due to its NT wiring WOULD smile in this interaction with a friend, and just dont feel like to do it job-related [if not in the mood/sympathy]; and that just isnt the case for #autistic folk.
@samid@actuallyautistic By drawing that line I just would like everyone to have in mind that the knowledge concerning EL + the precautions that one might be able to do to NOT feel the burden of EL - doesnt apply to autistics, because masking is a different psychological concept. While writing I just had the thought that masking for ND people maybe could be compared to an NT that always forces themselves to make a "disgusted" face when greeting a friend, instead of a smile.
@SylviaSolanas Well, truth is nothing did, but in retrospect I'm assuming that either accommodations or being taken out of school, removed from the neurosupremacist environment I grew up in altogether and live in one in which I would have been allowed to be myself (explore my special interests, be allowed to stim, unmask and not stigmatized for my meltdowns leading me to internalize them) may have helped.
Or at the very least perhaps I wouldn't have already been burnt out and an addict by the time I reached adulthood.
@SylviaSolanas Well, truth is nothing did, but in retrospect I'm assuming that either accommodations or being taken out of school, removed from the neurosupremacist environment I grew up in altogether and live in one in which I would have been allowed to be myself (explore my special interests, be allowed to stim, unmask and not stigmatized for my meltdowns leading me to internalize them) may have helped.
Or at the very least perhaps I wouldn't have already been burnt out and an addict by the time I reached adulthood.
Another person’s perceptual experience may not be the same as ours.
This is Fundamental to understanding the experience of #autistic folks. I always assumed everyone perceived the way I do & I’m just a sook who can’t cope. This is not true! I am sooo glad my partner now understands this.
Same applies to information processing & seeing patterns. I thought everyone can see what I do. They don’t. We’re ok.
It’s bleeding obvious once it’s put this way, innit. I struggled all my life to understand my differences w sensory &information processing, thinking of each bit as a different issue & me as sooky &broken. Framing as neurodivergence over the past 15yr (since my early 50s) has been a revelation. Reframing is slow work & there’s a lot to grieve for, but through it all the company of nd peers is THE BEST THING.
I am thinking about autism this morning. Every self-assessment I’ve taken since I was a teenager scores ‘yep, that’s you’. (I have taken a LOT of self-assessments. Every few years I’ll go through a whole bunch, just to confirm.) But I don’t have a formal diagnosis. And even though I would never require a formal diagnosis from anyone else, I have still, for decades, struggled to know whether I’m ‘allowed’ to understand myself in this way or speak about myself as #autistic.
"The more I seek validation, the worse my life becomes, and the more I allow myself to be myself, the better I feel." I could say the same thing, honestly, about my own journey in life.
@cynaq@actuallyautistic Yes! This perspective is so helpful and relatable. This morning I went back and re-took the RAADS-R and the CAT-Q and the results are the same as they have always been - high. And there is my own knowing of myself that has also been the same since I was a teenager! So maybe it is time to claim/name this more openly, despite not having (or seeking) a formal diagnosis. <3
#AskingAutistics Does telling an allistic person you're #autisticever help improve communication? Over and over, I let people know I'm autistic in hopes it will help, but it never makes things better. It seems like no one wants to do the reading, or to make an effort to even meet me halfway. The main reactions I get when I disclose fall into these categories:
Ignore it entirely and just keep on like I'm not autistic.
Say I'm nothing like their 10 year old nephew who has #autism.
Assume that since we're friends it doesn't matter, because friendship is magic and will enable me to "overcome my autism" with them if I am just motivated enough, and if they aren't special enough for me to do that then I don't really value them as a friend.
Give advice on how I can mask better for their comfort and convenience, like I haven't spent my whole life becoming expert on that.
Try to be accommodating without taking the time to learn what is helpful and what is just going to make things worse.
Infantilize me and treat me like a child or an intellectually disabled person.
Give up on me because autistic people are too hard to deal with.
No reaction, because most people don't know anything about autism. They don't even understand that I'm doing all the work to bridge the communication gap, or that they could do anything to help, or even cut me some slack when I fail.
I do have a couple allistic friends who accommodate me enough to maintain a decent relationship, but they are rare and special. And we had somehow worked that out before I knew I was #ActuallyAutistic even, so telling them still didn't change much.
Has anyone had communication improve by telling someone you're autistic? Or is that just a fantasy?
@Falco_77@BZBrainz@joshsusser@actuallyautistic
Interesting. Made the same observation during my years as an academic, albeit I had to refine those skills early in my career. It's like 'mode switching', where the professional formal mode switches between the informal mode and even the 'autistic' mode (rarely in public).