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@GreenRoc@mastodon.social cover
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GreenRoc

@[email protected]

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You do you, as long as nobody gets hurt.
"Yes, I am autistic. No really. This is not a joke." ~me

What am I doing on Mastodon?
I speak honestly, in a world where the primary language seems to be lies. I hope for acceptance of neurodifferent minds worldwide.

What I type about?
My thoughts. Usually whatever comes to my mind. I enjoy sharing and caring.

Location:
Somewhere in America (not my choice)

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

18+ EVDHmn , to actuallyautistic
@EVDHmn@ecoevo.social avatar

@actuallyautistic
Ok going out on a limb here.
I know everyone process dealing and handling loss of a loved one is different and perhaps difficult to talk about.

This week my cousin died who was practically an uncle as far as age. I don’t know how many of you have traced your autistic own family tree. I’ve kind of made it a pet project.

My question is does anyone else find funeral homes so weird and 🤔 panic inducing both thinking of going and going.

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic I've never been to a funeral home as far as I know (Maybe to one, for a memorial service thing for someone I forget who). I found them more like a Church, somewhat drab, nothing sad or depressing other than what I feel in a church.

I find NCIS's morgue fascinating!

The retirement home my mom was in, where she died, it felt boring, annoying. Like a house with many rooms. I'd not wanna be there too, she didnt like it. Boring, I wanted to leave. Yawn.

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic If I could get the autistic by themselves, (if any of the ones near me who are still alive), I'd try to be their friend.

Too many I met whom are older than me are too damned stubborn to admit they would be autistic too. Or if they do acknowledge their autism (as one ex-friend has), they may never let go of their insistence to "grow up" and trying to force me to be NT.

Some react with absolute hate to the idea to accept autism (like my father).

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic My dad hit burnout and died within two years, from his own obsessive, totally hidden until then, picking stim.

He died from a blood infection, the actual details of what he did to himself are so gross, I wont even mention "how".

I let myself do my picking stim in moderation, so I never will find myself tempted to binge like he did.
2/?

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

His attitude with my autism diagnosis (officially dx'd): "You're just trying to be spoiled" I saw what looked to me like he got angry.

He may have been jealous I wanted to take the easier road and not do all that darned 9cussword) he made himself do. He was slowly killing himself early by doing all that stuff he said was "life". No, dad obeyed expectations humans created. Life is not that, imo.
3/?

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

I never tried to force acceptance of autism on him again, I did try to encourage him to accept "me". He never truly did, and that makes me very sad, the only ting I mourned of his death, was that I could never feel he was a friend. He denied my true "me" to his very last moment.

"You'll have to excuse her, she has mental problems" was the last thing I remember spoken from him, as I was trying to order a meal and
4/?

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

and I wanted to make sure I didnt order anything that would hurt me to eat. He felt he had to interrupt because I was taking "too long" asking for something other than what they had as soup for that day (I liked some of "Denny's" soup when it is a different day).

(Eeek long post but, this is my usual, I wish I didnt feel a need to apologize for long posts... people who like me, tend to like the long stories. I like long stories too.)
5/?

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic I literally walked out on my dad that night, and walked to some fast food, got my usual fast food that doesnt hurt me, and walked home. I was close enough to my home and I walked to those restaurants many times on my own.

Mom later told me she cried right there in the resteruant, but also told me I made the right choice. Dad's the autistic side of my family, my mom's side has the bi polar.

I got both. I dont like the bi polar side of me.
6/?

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

Grandma (my dad's mom) I LOVED grandma's lifestyle. My mom however, would complain in my presence about her mom-in-law, and I felt like she was complaining about my interests. I dont know if my mom knew how much I liked Grandma's lifestyle, nor knew I felt insulted when she complained about grandma being so "quiet" and "alone" and "ungrateful".

I wanna live like grandma did.
I still want most of that kinda life for myself, few differences.

7/?

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

(I think this is my last toot for posting my thoughts, havent checked replies yet)

I didnt realize until after both gma and dad were dead, my realization came to me, both were likely autistic.

I realized Grandma sure was (no Dx), when I was looking over grandma's books I inherited. I look back at her expressions, as if she was reliving her own life, through watching me on my discovering my autism journey. I like to think, she liked knowing.
8/

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

I could say the same. I hated myself for over 30 years, had my DX in my 20's, didnt come to accept my autism until I was, oh gosh, about 40, about 7 years ago. I'm still a baby, relatively, in acceptance.

I was seeking a "cure" for myself for over a decade. I cried myself to sleep many many nights, ashamed, crying out "why is nothing I do working?!"

I should never have been intimidated to behave like a "normal".

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic Yes. Life. I want my life to be mine.

NOt some ragged miserable existence that capitalistic society demands.

I'm continuing to fight the systems that will refuse to let me have my life, with whatever little energy I have left.

Trying to be normal for over 30 years has left real physical scars and internal damages that have never fully healed.

In my absolute best efforts to "behave" the way society wants, I have literally passed out, twice.

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic "Lead by example" seems to fit what I needed to do for my family members.

Local family are all mom's side, so, none of them really can relate to me other than, shared DNA.

Behavior sharing I have with my relatives over in Tenessee... I'm too far for them to be close family, only one we've had some chats over facebook, and we get along strongly whenever we do have chatter.

Local thinks like: "you're smart, you can learn" learn to be NT, no thanks.

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

Indeed, thank you. I wish more autistics could feel how freely I do, which isnt very "free" feeling, but better than trapped in a pretend performance of NT-ness.

There is a lot more I need to happen around me for me to feel truly myself.... (hel;p that costs $180h, too posh, cant aford on unemployable disability social security income). Working towards that life is possible, but is a disallowed life.
1/2

18+ GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

Policies of the world make my want for my life extremely difficult to - meltdown.

I so want healing.
:sadness:

(now I wanna save this convo for later, maybe write in a book or something)

I want all autistics to feel free to be themselves, not hide in a closet of shame, while trying to pretend to be NT on the outside.

Too many talented autistics have been lost, to the whims of what society deems as "proper" behavior, like Alan Turing.

2/2

Tim_McTuffty , to actuallyautistic
@Tim_McTuffty@beige.party avatar

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 186 , Thursday 02/05/2024

So I’ve been feeling ruff as a bears bum for a few days now (again , you would think more regular exercise would take me the other way 🙄) so I planned to try and sleep thru to 8ish. I put in my ear plugs & set the alarm accordingly.

I was awake at 05:50 … a mix of my traitorous body responding to its Pavlovian training & the noise of herself romping round the house like baby elephant , in that considerate way she has.

So here I sit, my brain is moving at glacial speeds & my body feels like a train hit it.
At least she’s in the office today, so a day of peace & quiet!

I hate how little I am able to do at the moment , either thru illness or depression stealing my motivation.
Sometimes I wish I had a child , or a dog - they seem to be highly motivational from what I can see from the lives of others who have them.
I would be a terrible father or dog owner though , so probably best all round that I avoid both .

Oh while I’m on a roll I WISH my tinnitus would give me a break! It’s been screaming so loud in my ears for days now!

Where to go next on my ASD journey has been on my mind for a few days, the GPs completely negative reaction last time I went to see him has ripped me asunder. Where I had a set path now I flounder in indecision. I guess I have to decide if I need to be able to function better in society , or whether I just stick 2 fingers up at society & return to being a hermit.

Had a really epic FO4 session today after I finished my chores & then when Mrs S. got home we went & did our civic duty & voted - me being plagued by dizzy spells, nausea & exhaustion on the walk there and back & her being plagued by her dodgy knee ! We made a right pair, I think the thing that holds our marriage together at the moment is the need for mutual physical support , together we make a whole working person !

Caved & watched the first episode of Fallout - I’ve missed a couple of the games so I don’t know just how true it is to the earlier games, but I (& surprisingly Mrs S.) enjoyed it , so yeah, roll on ep 2 !

Final Thoughts.

Others write of monumental achievements , of beating challenges , or of coping with pain or personal circumstances that would reduce a normal person to jelly. I wish I were that strong.

I defo have EDFitis again , & it seems as though it’s gonna take its own sweet time to pass. Bummer !

Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic

"I just stick 2 fingers up at society & return to being a hermit. " I made that decision in 2009, took me a while to get used to, I would not still be existing primarily inside my tiny little apartment unit, (as much as possible) if not for the internet giving me this precious human need for connection with other humans.

My body hurts constantly, I feel more energy taking nerve pain medicine regularly.

My mind never stops running even when my body sleeps.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic Hi there, I am waking up, sleep felt restful Thank you :BlobhajHeart:

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic Thank you so much! I hope you did too!

Uair , to actuallyautistic
@Uair@autistics.life avatar

@actuallyautistic

Nothing makes sense any more. It is $1050/mo for a campsite with an electric hookup and $550/mo for non-subsidized government housing in a converted hotel room with kitchen, tub/shower, and queen bed.

My only guess is that they are earning over $500/mo datamining me through the "free" wifi.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Uair @actuallyautistic

Nothing in my mind could validate why it costs my land hoarders over $2k each, to maintain each apartment unit, more than double the cost of just before the pandemic.

Housing should NOT be costing this much.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Uair @actuallyautistic And they declare the things I ask for as needed accommodations is... too expensive.

Where does that $2k go anyways, I could have used some of that for food, and ... soundproofing.

NPR , to random
@NPR@press.coop avatar

Scientists restore brain cells impaired by a rare genetic disorder

A therapy that restores brain cells impaired by a rare genetic disorder may offer a strategy for treating conditions like autism, epilepsy, and schizophrenia.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/04/30/1247900797/timothy-syndrome-genetic-disorder-brain-cells-restored?utm_medium=JSONFeed&utm_campaign=news&utm_source=press.coop

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Dremmwel @pa @NPR @PatternChaser @actuallyautistic

PatternChaser didnt say "all autistics", they said "many of us". I agree with PatternChaser, at least for myself.

I have been denied the help I need to live in this society, by people who think I need to "cure" myself from whatever is annoying them. I'm not a fan of the idea of this "cure". My autism is not the source of my problems, lack of acceptance is.

I want a cure for my PTSD reflex however, that stuff is damaging and outta control.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Dremmwel @pa @NPR @PatternChaser @actuallyautistic Freedom of choice is important.

To each their own, I wish for.

Me personally, I was tricked into thinking curing my autism was the only way to exist properly for the first thirty years of my life, but I had not heard of another way to exist. I was desperate for a solution to all my problems... unaware of acceptance, until I felt for the first time, acceptance.

I wait for acceptance across the planet. I find it in little pockets of humanity.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Dremmwel @actuallyautistic

I feel you deserve the right to choose. Thank you for sharing, you have changed my view on this subject.

ScottSoCal , to actuallyautistic
@ScottSoCal@computerfairi.es avatar

@actuallyautistic

A couple of weeks ago, in another place where I generally feel safe, someone made a scathing comment - not to me, or even about me - about "self-diagnosed autistics". Without a signed certificate, apparently we aren't worthy of the label.
I've been stewing about it ever since, and sometimes doubting myself. This morning I'm peeved. Who the hell is that person to make declarations about other people - including me?

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic Eek, rich posh gatekeepers.

Not all autistics can afford the certifiable papers (and as far as I'm aware, the certification is sensory overwhelming, like mine was).

And sometimes, real autistics are denied certification by a poor analyzer of autism.

I'm peeved too, a friend of mine being denied assistance by someone deciding they are not needing assistance.

My neighbor has no right to decide for me, they are not certified to diagnose.

Uair , to actuallyautistic
@Uair@autistics.life avatar

@actuallyautistic

Radical idea: the next companion Dr Who picks up should be a senior citizen.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Uair @actuallyautistic Angela Lansbury would be amazing imo, if only this were possible.

Uair , to actuallyautistic
@Uair@autistics.life avatar

@actuallyautistic

Are normal people hungry all the time?

I sunk out of panic mode for a couple days and goddamn if my stomach isn't a lot more aggressive than usual. I hardly ever notice it, normally.

Is this a thing? Constant hunger when you finally calm down?

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Uair @actuallyautistic

I wish I knew. I'm not "normal" so I cant know.

For me:
I dont remember feeling hungry when I tried to starve myself to death. I also dont remember feeling hungry when I had been unconscious for 6+ days last February.

My desire to eat comes from a sensation in my throat desiring stuff to trickle down it. Rarely do I feel "empty" in my stomach, and when I do, I really REALLY like the feeling, cold and yummy.

Interoception is a mystery to me most of the time.

pathfinder , to actuallyautistic
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

I have often said, and largely it's true, that I'm fairly open about being autistic. There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly it's because I feel that it's important to be as open as I can be. That by doing so I am hopefully opening people's eyes to the fact that autistic's can be anyone, the bloke they stand next to in the pub, the one they work with, the person they've known for so many years. That we can be any age and anyone.

But, to put this in some context. I live in a smallish town and have done so all my life. For various reasons I am quite well known. I am also male, and single and old enough and secure enough in my life not to give a damn any more. So the risks for me being this open aren't the same as they would be for others. A fact and privilege I am very aware of. I have also masked in a way that, I think, is possibly different from others. I found a way to be essentially myself. To highlight the aspects of myself that were acceptable and submerge the elements that weren't. In other words, I didn't really try and hide the weird, only the true depth of it. So the leap from "it's Kevin" to "it's Kevin and he's autistic" doesn't appear to have been that great for a lot of people.

Having said this, though, it is still not easy. Dropping the mask is hard when you're not sure what is actually mask and what isn't. The internal masking, the ways I learnt to hide so much from myself, is perhaps the easiest, if not the most painless. But the external mask still has so many elements and not all of them are easy to forgo, or even possibly be part of a forged mask any more anyway. Maintain a way of being and doing something for over 5 decades and really where's the difference between you and it?

Much has been said though, about the effort of maintaining a mask over a long period of time. The effects it can have on us. The way the drain of it is more and more likely to lead to burnout. The way that restricting our natural movements and behaviour is harmful, especially in the long run and to our mental health. And I certainly don't argue with any of this. I can feel that strain, the cost of it for me. I also can't help thinking about how much of my aches and pains, the injuries I carry, the growing infirmities, aren't just age related, but caused by how much I've stifled and restrained my body from moving naturally over the decades and the cost of that.

But, as much as this is motivating and helping me to learn to unmask, there is, of course, the other side of the coin. I didn't learn to mask on a whim, it wasn't for laughs and giggles. I was the outlier, the strange, voiceless kid, who came within a hair's breadth of being institutionalised. I was the one who had to learn how to fit in and above all be safe. For that is what masking allowed me to do, at least as much as it could. And this, for those of us who are older, is perhaps one of the major problems with trying to unmask. It's very possible that one of the very reasons that allowed us to live so long without realising we were autistic, was that our masks worked too well. Not just in hiding us, but in allowing us to fit in, in so many ways, if not obviously in all.

And certainly for me there is a deep functionality in the way that I mask. It allows me to behave and to communicate with others in ways that they are comfortable with and understand. Not so much with set scripts, but more a menu of available options, of both body language and speech, that have proved to be viable and effective. It has allowed me to exist in their world and even though I'm essentially a foreigner to it, in ways that don't make that so obvious. But start dropping the mask and that illusion is quickly shattered and then it becomes a lottery how people react. Confusion, rejection, aggression, hate and dismissal. All of these I have experienced and even trying to explain that I am autistic, rarely makes matters better. In fact, it's more likely to make them double down on the necessity for me to do it their way.

For that is what mostly happens. Try not to speak and they insist that I do so. Be too weird in my movements and the most random of strangers will suddenly be up in my face over it. Try to be myself and have to watch the reactions and atmosphere change. Because the simple fact is that most people don't like having to do any of the work or put in any of the effort required to bridge divides, especially if they know, or suspect, that you are more than able to make it so that they don't have to. It will always be up to us, for so many of them. I'm not saying that this makes them bad people, although some of them are, just human and with perhaps too much on their plates already. Extra effort is sometimes hard to justify or find for a lot of people

But all of this simply makes unmasking even more difficult for me. It's hard and not always practical to forgo the functionality of it. And also the safety of it, the reasons why I began to do it so long ago. That difference is still so often a target for so many people, not something to be understood, but attacked and taken advantage off and age doesn't make any difference to that. Even as an older white male, I have to take that into account. The fact that unmasking simply isn't always safe, in so many places and ways.

So will I ever manage it? Will I ever reach the point of being truly open and maskless? The way I want to be. Given my age and how much of it is ingrained and, by now, a part of me. How much safer and easier it can simply make my life, I have to admit that I'm not sure. Let's just say that it's still a work in progress and a hope as much as a dream.


GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic

"restricting our natural movements and behaviour is harmful" Truth.
I dislocated my hip trying to restrict my natural movements.

I am taking prescription pain meds, Gabapentin specifically, due to nerve pain from perpetually holding myself.

I wish my neighbors understood my autism, instead of being terrified at whatever they find strange and unfamiliar.

I was denied medical care, because of NT fear of me, fear of the unknown.

Their ignorance hurts my life.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic

"Be too weird in my movements and the most random of strangers will suddenly be up in my face over it."

Oh how much I HATE that.

ScruffyDux , to actuallyautistic
@ScruffyDux@fosstodon.org avatar

@actuallyautistic I knew depersonalisation and derealisation commonly co-occurred with autism. But for some reason it didn't click that it's an actual self-contained medical condition.

Just found the Cambridge Depersonalisation Scale. If you want to try for yourself here's a PDF link:

https://www.johnhartlandtherapy.com/downloads/Derealization/4%20Cambridge%20depersonalisation%20scale.pdf

A total score of 70 or higher indicates a dissociative disorder.

I got 147.

I just thought I was highly existentially philosophical. Here we go again comorbidities!

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic

My Depersonalisation might be so damned hard/strong, I dont think I have Imposter syndrome.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic Gabapentin yes. Feels like a miracle pill.

Some doctors earlier this year were concerned about my constipation (side effect of gabapentin), I rather be constipated than experience unmedicated pain.

Heaping plateful of pain unmedicated for sure. My body and I often disagree, more than we agree on stuff.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@BernieDoesIt @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic

"does whatever is controlling your body have imposter syndrome?" I dont believe so. It wants to die. I dont think people or bodies with imposter syndrome want to die, as far as I understand the condition.

I was trained to ignore what my body wants. I cant always ignore this thing that often overpowers my own choices, especially when it takes over, and I feel like I'm in the backseat of my own body, and that body's driver wants to slam into walls.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@BernieDoesIt @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic An end to my life isnt the top motivation for that driver. That driver wants the pain to stop.

I fail to stop the pain, because the pain is coming from sources outside of my control, mostly from other humans.

I try to give myself my body as much comfort as I possibly can, but I am severely limited in my options of delight and comfort, because I am delighted by items, things and choices of others who comfort me. I dont control access to every delight.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@BernieDoesIt @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic there has not been enough delight to counter the pain and frustration of living in present day. There exists the delight somewhere right now! but that delight is locked behind barriers put up by humans, who reject my access because they think things about me that are not true.

Usually, I'm labeled some variety of incompetent and unsafe by complete strangers who only seen me for a few seconds.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@BernieDoesIt @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic Yeah, I hate living with myself.

Seems it's form of protection is to make people afraid of me or something, to make them back off from pushing themselves into my life.

It never wants to hurt anyone else, it wants to hurt me.

Thank you for caring, means so much to me to have people understand what I am going through.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@BernieDoesIt @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic Thank you so much. Your compassion is a vibe I feel comforted by. Every little bit helps me feel a little better. :BlobhajHeart:

ScruffyDux , to actuallyautistic
@ScruffyDux@fosstodon.org avatar

@actuallyautistic I just learned that stimulation of the body's proprioception systems in turn down regulates some aspects of the nervous system that are typically overactive for us.

I also learned proprioception stimulation is something Occupational Therapists prescribe for autistic clients.

Wondering if anyone can share any such exercises or methods an OT has prescribed for them?

Deep muscle & tissue stimulation is the general notion I've gathered so far.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic

I have just learned the definition to "proprioception" today. I googled in curiosity of what I am reading.

Only when my eyes are involved, I have above average coordination with my eyes, and terrible below average without my eyes.

I have to look at my keyboard to type. My hand coordination is terrible without my sight.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic

The topic strikes my curiosity.
Reminds me, in my baby book, mom wrote I learned to grab things at age 9 months, whereas the book says I should learn gripping action age 18 months. In contrast, I was delayed learning to potty, speak, listen, etc, according to that same baby book.

Does seem like a topic I wish to investigate to learn more about myself. Thank you for the ideas!

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic That video I am watching from inside your mentions is amazing, and, wow... I was told by a chiro some things that sounds familiar to what the one guy of the two guys is saying.

"Relax my muscles." My chiro needed me to do.

Lower back pain I had.
Migranes I had.

Denied coverage for regular chiro visits by some lawmaker who decided general disabled people didnt need regular chiro visits.

I damn well needed that chiro.

I could not FORCE myself to relax my muscles.

GreenRoc , to random
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar


Can anyone link me to a study or a chart something to prove to some paper pushers in my life that the average life expectancy for autistic people is at a set age?

I'm 46 now and I believe I am past the average life expectancy, and some paper pushers asking me to 'prove' my need for assistance, from a doctor, renewed annually... which'll cast off several years of my life in stressful experiences to upkeep.

What's the age, asking for real life needs.

GreenRoc OP ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@nddev @actuallyautistic

Services I depend on to live tend to usually handle senior citizens.

Services for autistics accommodations seem to be lacking between adulthood and "the golden years" in America.

My parents died in their 60's.
Family history having females die in their 30's from breast cancer related conditions, medical proof I was denied copies of.

My life expectancy seems close to death. I dont expect to live to a legal retirement age. My parents didnt last to that age themselves.

GreenRoc OP ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@nddev @actuallyautistic You might be correct, asessing my family's longevity might be more accurate from lack of data in general. But..

I have tried the family avenue many years in the past with other proof-on-paper services unsuccessfully. I was required to provide death certificates I did not have permissions to obtain. When I asked grandpa for a copy of the deaths of his wife and daughter, I was told he threw those away because it depressed him.

He has since passed away, in his 90's.

GreenRoc OP ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@nddev @actuallyautistic

Taking into consideration everyone in my family, most live into their 70's and later...

But some died in their 30's, other died about less than 10 years after specific-to-them events.

Mom from MS, dad from depression, an aunt in Tennessee from mental breakdown, which I experienced last month in similar severity.

Studying the physical-only impacts is leaves out a huge chunk of what drives my life.

Emotions.
I feel joy deprived.
I mentally collapsed last month.

dramypsyd , to actuallyautistic
@dramypsyd@ohai.social avatar

JRC is trying to be allowed to shock autistic kids again, please sign if you are able

(Edited because I forgot hashtags)
@actuallyautistic
https://autisticadvocacy.org/2024/03/take-action-to-stoptheshock/

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@dramypsyd @actuallyautistic If signing forms were not a trauma reminder, I would sign.

Forcing autistics to behave differently is NOT the way to treat us autistic people.

while I, an autistic, can "obey" there is a limit to how long I can resist my insides...

I literally fell unconscous last month, a blackout, from resisting my urges, perpetually tortured by outside sounds, and threatened with cops if I scream.

Five years, then mega blackout. I was delirious/unconscious for 6 days.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@dramypsyd @actuallyautistic Thank you so much. I shared the toot with a friend who is autistic and she's looking to sign the petition this evening.

mighty_orbot , to actuallyautistic
@mighty_orbot@retro.pizza avatar

Why do neurotypicals get mad if I don’t ask them how they’re doing, when the whole reason I don’t ask is because they consistently volunteer the information anyway?

@actuallyautistic

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@mighty_orbot @actuallyautistic

My theory is, they have this inner code that insists they must have permission to speak freely about themselves. they get permission when they are asked about themselves.

Probably also the same code that they get all mad at me for saying whatever I feel like saying. I never got permission. How dare I be so rude.

NTs are so weird.

alexisbushnell , to actuallyautistic
@alexisbushnell@toot.wales avatar

Is there any point me contacting my GP about my ? Can they actually do anything at all?

Asking cos I just went to make dinner. Found stuff I had to do first and had as meltdown in the kitchen, after which I had to retreat upstairs again to recover, without the food or drink I went down for. And now I'm stressed because I put stir fry in my app and I can't go make stir fry now so that's wrong, and I know I can change it but it's not that simple.

@actuallyautistic

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@alexisbushnell @actuallyautistic I highly doubt a GP could do anything. I dont know of any method to restore oneself to pre-burnout.

I have to find what works for me. I moved into pre-packaged easy to prep foods. Cooking was exhausting.

essie_is_okay , to actuallyautistic
@essie_is_okay@aus.social avatar

How did you make a more robust sense of self? How do you know when your sense of self is strong or weak? Interested to hear people's lived experiences.

Years of dissociation and masking makes it hard to feel what is me.

@actuallyautistic

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@Elizabeth3 @essie_is_okay @actuallyautistic Indeed. I dont feel I have ever fully recovered.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@petelittle1970 @essie_is_okay @actuallyautistic Same. I grew up thinking I could not trust myself, and I had to wait until I was an adult to be free and have fun.

I was raised so terribly wrong, yet my parents raised two kids, my bro a typical, so he turned out to be successful in the capitalistic society, while me, unemployable my whole life, because I talk too much.

I'm trying to defend myself and/or help me feel better, is usually why I talk, if I talk at all.

GreenRoc ,
@GreenRoc@mastodon.social avatar

@petelittle1970 @essie_is_okay @actuallyautistic "I spent so much effort trying to fit in, to be what other people wanted me to be." same. I could never get myself to fit, and I tried and I tried and I tried, and they could get no satisfaction with me. I was always in trouble for some reason.

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