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peopleproblems ,

Im not that ugly am I?

I’m at least a little bit more self-secure that at least I have eyes and hair!?

MNByChoice ,

Not ugly at all.

peopleproblems ,

Truth time tho, I’ve been noticing more of those positives lately. Just a little bit of effort makes a difference.

MNByChoice ,

Effort makes a huge difference. People that put in zero effort are obvious and smell.

peopleproblems ,

“If you can smell you, others could smell you yesterday.”

sentient_loom ,
@sentient_loom@sh.itjust.works avatar

I don’t quite get it. Is the problem that you miss being pursued by younger people?

ThrowawayPermanente ,

All the good men are already taken, the ones who are still available are single for a reason.

Kecessa ,

No matter the gender the issue is the same

Larry ,

If you’re still looking for good men at 35 you’re also single for a reason

peopleproblems ,

Not necessarily. If she was an anxious attached style she’d be more likely to fall for avoidant men. She could either:

  1. Now recognize the red flags of avoidants and not subject herself to that.
  2. Be unaware of the red flags of avoidants and keep making the same mistake
  3. Recently left a long term relationship as an secure individual and discover how many avoidants really exist.

Of course you are right, she could be avoidant to, in which case hopefully she’ll learn sooner rather than later that fearing intimacy and vulnerability is detrimental, and that healthy codependency is actually a thing. But it’s not easy for them to do so.

I don’t like to think that everyone is incapable of finding someone, people just need to figure out why. Pointing out “single for a reason” seems counterproductive and a bit disrespectful.

cheeseandrice , (edited )

I think “single for a reason” is what all that attachment theory shit is trying to help contextualize. It specifically sets the context as “single for a fixable reason” if you have the courage and humility to do the work.

GluWu ,

Is living in the forest because I’m afraid of the federal government a “fixable” reason?

TubularTittyFrog ,

no

GluWu ,

:(

Entropywins ,

That’s just being awesome…

GluWu ,

:)

peopleproblems ,

I suppose I didn’t consider the act of an anxious attached falling for the avoidant attached as that “reason” I sort of chalked that up to luck.

But your right, anxious attachment tends to end up with avoidant and the anxious attachment needs to learn how to desensitize to intense passion often given by avoidants.

The anxious attached individual has a lot of work to do in regards to understanding their personal value rather than their value to others, where the avoidant has immense work to do on the value of others and the value of themselves.

Cypher ,

Sorry you’re so incurably single you’ve latched onto dating advice thats as accurate as horoscopes.

Like I hope it gets better for you but… yikes.

peopleproblems ,

It’s not dating advice, it’s attachment theory.

Cypher ,

So stop treating it like dating advice you weirdo.

peopleproblems ,

Ok, I’m confused - can you quote the lines that werr dating advice? In no case was I advising anyone do anything, I was sharing the information I have learned on attachment theory. Providing possible insight. That’s not advice, that’s processing thought.

Cypher ,

Not necessarily. If she was an anxious gemini she’d be more likely to fall for leo men. She could either:

  1. Now recognize the red flags of scorpio and not subject herself to that.
  2. Be unaware of the red flags of cancer and keep making the same mistake
  3. Recently left a long term relationship as an secure individual and discover how many gemini really exist.

Of course you are right, she could be gemni, in which case hopefully she’ll learn sooner rather than later that fearing intimacy and vulnerability is detrimental, and that healthy codependency is actually a thing. But it’s not easy for them to do so.

I don’t like to think that everyone is incapable of finding someone, people just need to figure out why. Pointing out “single for a reason” seems counterproductive and a bit disrespectful.

peopleproblems ,

All you did was substitute the attachment titles for astrology signs.

Attachment theory has a long history of study in psychology, and astrology is just bullshit.

Cypher ,

And you don’t realise that you’re applying it in an armchair psychologist fashion that has as much value as astrology?

Reason is lost on some people.

Cypher ,

www.abc.net.au/news/health/…/104279024

But the idea, for example, that your relationship is doomed if you’re with an insecure person is “nonsense,” Professor Karantzas says.

"I flatly refute that, that is idiocy at its finest.

KyuubiNoKitsune ,

Thanks.

Trainguyrom ,

I mean there’s plenty of reasons to be single at 35 that aren’t necessarily a knock against you as a potential partner. Long term partner cheated on you, long term partner died, long term partner grew apart, active duty in the military for 18 years, maybe the person threw themselves into work and was too focused on work to date or maybe they were caring for a declining family member and too busy to date, or maybe they were going through shit and they’re finally ready to date again after a lot of time healing and climbing out. You get the picture

peopleproblems ,

Or we became so insecure in our previous relationship that we’re terrified of meeting new people :).

Can’t get hurt that way.

Rakonat ,

If you think the single men are bad that age, look at the women!

pyre ,

single for a reason

is the reason maybe that it’s hard dating after 35 or is that only a valid excuse for women?

TubularTittyFrog ,

is the reason maybe that it’s hard dating after 35 or is that only a valid excuse for women?

it’s easier to blame other people than realize you aren’t a catch either.

Aggravationstation ,

I’m just waiting til I get to the retirement home in about 35 years, they’re like huge orgies.

variants ,

Orgies and Lan parties all day

Aggravationstation ,

Aww man, that sounds so awesome! Hopefully weed will be legal by then in the UK too.

Lemjukes ,

As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?

anivia ,

Depends how many bad experiences. If all your relationships were a bad experience, then there is a good chance you were the reason for that

Lemjukes ,

Very true

Speculater ,
@Speculater@lemmy.world avatar

Like a guy I know who is divorced four times… Thinks he has really bad luck. Nope buddy. It’s you.

peopleproblems ,

Give him a book called “Attached” by Levine and Heller. I doubt he’ll actually make any changes, but it’s a good way to tell him it’s him without you having to say it at all.

You_are_dust ,

No experience. All bad experiences means more potential for either a lot of unchecked baggage, that person is the cause of the bad experiences, or both.

Banichan ,
@Banichan@dormi.zone avatar

Is there a third option?

Lemjukes ,

See above I guess lol

RBWells ,

Bad experiences. No experience at my age would be a very bad sign. With my husband, we each had one crazy ex, then he had a couple of two year relationships that weren’t bad just sort of ran their course. Apparently when he met me he knew it could work out long term but I was afraid he was only good for two years, so just took it kinda slow, not sex-wise but relationship-wise. Waited two years to move in together (we both had kids so it was a good idea regardless) then he started making noise about getting married, I told him he could ask after we’d lived together two years.

Best relationship of my life so far, 12 years in, we are both well aware how good we have it, because we have both had the bad times. His kids won’t even talk to their mom - in the divorce the courts gave him custody not just of his kids, but his step kids too, that is how bad she got, and she has not improved. My ex’s mom said if it came to it she would argue her son should not even have visitation, that’s how bad he got (we weren’t married so that part was easier). He has improved when he quit drinking, thank God and now sometimes hangs out, like at holidays, parties, etc.

So I would argue for experience use but caution. Not someone with a string of crazy exes.

TonyOstrich ,

The issue I have run into a lot is that they have the “wrong” kind of experience. Somewhat inline with the adage “practice doesn’t make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect”. I spent a lot of my teens and 20s being introspective, working on myself, and becoming the kind of person I would want to date. A lot of people I have had experiences with in my 30s spent a lot of that time in bad relationships creating reactive responses to various things rather than addressing the core issues or learning how to, and as a result they often have a lot of “bad habits” or expectations going into dating or future relationships.

I have met more than one person that has said they need someone who can be patient with them while they heal and deal with their past, while also not necessarily wanting to, or being capable of, providing that same level of patience and understanding to a partner. That seems…uhhh not really appropriate or fair? But I’m the one that’s been single for quite a while, sooooo it’s just as likely I could be the one with my head so far up my ass I can taste my tonsils.

TubularTittyFrog ,

bingo.

gist of most people who are terminally single is they aren’t capable of offering as much as they demand. so for anyone that is a bad deal. a lot of people simple become parasites in a relationship, financially, emotionally, etc. and those parasitic people will never ever admit fault, they will blame the partner they are sucking the life out of that they aren’t ‘giving them enough’.

I was in a few relationships that became soul-sucking. i used to be depressed and suicidal in the past… because I as in relationships that were sucking my soul out. When I broke up, stayed single, and worked on myself… my life had value again and i was no longer depressed and suicidal.

the issue isn’t about experience. it’s about how you treat other people and if you see your partner as a person… rather than a resource to extract things from (money, sex, attention, etc)

As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?

SharkEatingBreakfast ,
@SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz avatar

I hate to say it, but I think that folks have taken advantage of “be patient of folks with trauma/mental illness/etc.” and turned it into “you HAVE to put up with me or else you’re an asshole who is insensitive to those with struggles.” And nobody wants to be “the guy who wasn’t supportive enough”.

It’s okay to break up with someone if you are too overwhelmed by their needs, regardless of their trauma/mental illness. Staying will make both people absolutely miserable in the long run.

TubularTittyFrog ,

yeah, been there too. i could never understand someone who refuses treatment/therapy/medication and then blames someone else for their struggles.

Lemjukes ,

Ding ding ding! The key is actually learning and growing from those bad experiences and bettering yourself as a result. A lot of people seem caught in the loop of searching for someone to make them better instead of looking for an actual partner.

TubularTittyFrog ,

IME it’s that the more bad experiences they have, the more they demand an idealized greek god of a person as a partner and think anyone who doesn’t measure up to that fantasy. because it’s not their fault, it’s their partners for not ‘measuring up’ to their ‘standards’.

lightnsfw ,

I’d rather be content by myself.

ChronosTriggerWarning ,

Four suitors? What is she, a billionaire?!

Gingerlegs ,

I wish I didn’t know this first hand

BaroqueInMind ,

What happened?

variants ,

They removed the headstones but left the bodies!

Got_Bent ,

No. No it does not.

BrundleFly2077 ,

Yes. It does 🤣

There, now things are balanced again.

Vent ,

No. They aren’t!

LesserAbe ,

√(yes)

frickineh ,

No kidding. I’m apparently the only person who has ever had an amicable divorce where we just realized we weren’t compatible and never felt the need to bash each other. The post-divorce crowd can be pretty dire. They should mandate a certain number of therapy sessions before you can sign up for a dating app.

Kecessa ,

I don’t think the divorce part isthe point of the meme…

frickineh ,

Yes but the post title is what I was responding to.

peopleproblems ,

From what I’ve learned, it has a lot to do with attachment styles.

My ex is avoidant, with some pretty narcissistic traits (love bombing, then refusal to even hug because it’s too much).

I was/am anxious, or as the couples counselor told me “clingy.”

In our one-on-ones, she summarized up a book we had been assigned (which my ex didn’t read lol) that it was a statistic thing. 50% of people are secure style - they meet, and tend to stay together cause it just works. ~25% are anxious, and they do ok together and work fine with secure. ~25% are avoidant, and unfortunately, unless they work towards secure attachments, are pretty much always in and out of relationships. There’s a small amount of “disorganized” that has both insecure styles, but they tend towards secure over time.

The result is that the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. There will always been avoidant people available though. Secure style people are great at recognizing avoidant and typically don’t put up with their bullshit for long. Anxious attachment though end up with avoidants and it becomes a terrible thing, the anxious will do anything to stay, causing the avoidant to do things out of the relationship more.

If you could guess one common thing amongst avoidants that finally ends the relationship, what would it be? If you said cheating, you’d be completely right. It’s really hard to end amicably after that.

Preflight_Tomato ,

What was the book?

blanketswithsmallpox ,

The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down.

peopleproblems ,

“Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

MutilationWave ,

Incels are on the rise, both genders. Where do they fit in your 100%? We’re seeing the birth of hikkikomori culture.

peopleproblems ,

If I had to guess based on my understanding of attachment theory, it could be the anxious attachment, the avoidant, or the disorganized (which has traits of both, and is rare). In any case it’s clearly the insecure attachment styles.

Based on the “incel” description itself though, I don’t think you have enough information to guess either. An individual hokkikomori is clearly more avoidant than anything though, as they don’t seek or hold relationships with others as valuable.

MutilationWave ,

Holy shit go live your life. You’re not a cell on a spreadsheet about attachment theory.

peopleproblems ,

Wait I’m confused - you asked where they fit in the 100%. I gave you my best guess.

What does that have to do with spreadsheets?

Entropywins ,

What do incels and Excel have in common?

They both wrongly assume somethings a date when it’s not!

peopleproblems ,

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/391ed256-6f8a-46f6-b970-ef2572885021.gif

TubularTittyFrog ,

what i don’t get is why people married people they knew were awful people, or awful for them.

anytime someone lies, cheats, or steals from me (or shows any disrespect, like verbal/physical abuse) i dump their ass.

RBWells ,

My ex was a chill stoner with a good work ethic when we got together and we had many good years, then he lost job after job, stopped looking, got radicalized reading Stormfront, then eventually physically abusive. I could not convince him to seek help, since he got so paranoid.

People change, sometimes you change in opposing directions.

TubularTittyFrog ,

that isn’t change, that’s failure to take responsibility for yourself. which makes for a shitty person, and a shitty partner.

hence why most radicalized people are shitty human beings. de-radicalizing requires people to realize they are responsible for their choices, and that the world is not some external force oppressing them.

RBWells ,

Well it was a change, but I don’t disagree. Instead of trying, he just looked for someone to blame. It’s not like there aren’t external forces but our own actions and thoughts are what we can control, and can make a big difference. He’s doing better now, too late for us but he’s working, paid child support, stopped drinking, still a racist fuck but realized he was his biggest problem and did work on himself.

kinkles ,
@kinkles@sh.itjust.works avatar

I had one too. My ex and I are on great terms. It makes for some fun moments when we can joke about our divorce and make people uncomfortable.

Ilovemyirishtemper ,

Dude, I hear that loud and f-ing clear. I’m also someone who left a marriage without any real hate toward my ex. We were chill during the marriage and afterward. No cheating; no drama.

So when I re-entered the dating world a decade after I had previously been in it, I did not expect the amount of bitter dudes I’ve since come across. If your profile starts with you saying you won’t tolerate a woman who does ______., I’m more concerned about how damaged you are from your previous relationship than I am about whether or not we would be a good match.

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