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half_built_pyramids ,

If adirondacks could be weaponized, the Amish would already rule the world

HootinNHollerin ,

Now I wanna see a horse drawn buggy that goes BRRRRRRRTTT

skillissuer ,
@skillissuer@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tachanka

pineapplelover ,

Wtf that’s so cool

skillissuer ,
@skillissuer@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

mobile firepower is the crab of improvised weapon platforms

everything evolves into technical

itslilith ,
@itslilith@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

Making the Ukrainians proud.

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

Mormons lose big, and here’s why.

Those damn bright white shirts. Easy targets.

No way you can miss them, even on the smokiest battlefield.

The Amish blend into the background better.

sugar_in_your_tea ,

The problem is, in order to actually hit a target, you need to shoot. Amish don’t shoot.

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

That’s what they want you to think!

CheesyGordita ,

Mormons. They already have an army of ~70k extremely impressionable 18-20 year olds (missionaries) hopped up on dirty sodas and sexual repression ready to do whatever for their prophet in the name of god.

Source: was Mormon, was missionary, still live in Utah. lol

Vendetta9076 ,
@Vendetta9076@sh.itjust.works avatar

Hwat is dirty soda

CheesyGordita ,

Soda with mix ins. Like flavor mix ins. So you go to a soda shop, ask for a Dr Pepper, then get like vanilla, coconut, or raspberry, etc mix ins. Kinda like an Italian soda. It’s huge here in utah.

figjam ,

First off, you guys have soda shops? Is it all 50s theamed?

CheesyGordita ,

Nah, most of them are just modern soulless rectangle buildings with little or no interior decorations. I’ve only been inside one a few years back tho. However most people just use the drive through and line up like 50 cars deep and block traffic and access to other surrounding buildings like the lemmings they are, lol

verity_kindle ,

My house will be soulless without some schweet Amish benches on the porch. Money on them to win, I have no other choice. It’s a huge ass wraparound porch.

Lightor ,

I moved here from NY and it surprised me. I think it’s because they can’t have coffee and such, so they drink a ton of soda. Coffee bad, but a 44 oz Coke at 8am, totally fine.

figjam ,

I had a mormon friend who was similar and it was just jarring the amount of diet mountain dew that he could put away.

burble ,

They made the Coke Freestyle machine into its own store?

burble ,

They made the Coke Freestyle machine into its own store?

skyspydude1 ,

Yes, but imagine they’re as prolific as Starbucks and with 5x the amount of sugar as a normal soda. Everyone thinks the south is the sugary drink capital of the US, with Coca-Cola being in Georgia and sweet tea being the official drink south of the Mason-Dixon, but compared to the shit that comes out of those dirty soda shops in Utah, they’re like LaCroix and plain black tea by comparison.

Since they can’t do “hot drinks”, my coworkers there would typically drink 2-3 Monsters or 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew in a typical workday. It was absolutely insane to see.

jubilationtcornpone ,

That just sounds like a Sonic Drive In.

sugar_in_your_tea ,

Think of Sonic, but on steroids. There are chains of soda shops here in Utah who literally only sell soda, and they have every mixin you can think of. Mango puree? Yup. Gummy bears? You bet! Peeps? What do you think we are, amateurs??

Come visit Utah, where everyone is speed-running diabetes. Why? Because the 64oz soda holders in our massive trucks need to be filled, and not with peasant sodas from Maverick or 7/11, but with real, artisan sodas with crazy mixins and whatnot.

HootinNHollerin ,

I’ll take a Dr Pepper with an Amaretto mix-in plz…

Oni_eyes ,

Wait, they can have caffeine now?

sugar_in_your_tea ,

Nobody ever said they couldn’t, the only proscription is on “hot drinks,” which has been interpreted as “coffee and tea.” The anti-caffeine people are the “spirit of the law” people, and for decades, Coke sold caffeine-free versions of their products to BYU (that ended relatively recently).

Oni_eyes ,

Huh, TIL. Had some classmates that are Mormon growing up and I guess they were from the spirit of the law group.

problematicPanther ,
@problematicPanther@lemmy.world avatar

didn’t the amish already win, and that’s why the mormons had to leave and go out west?

cows_are_underrated ,

I would go for Mormons. It looks like they have a high amount of troops which are relatively close by. This means that you can mobilize big parts of your Army and simply Overrun the first Libes of the Amish defended quite quickly. The Amish troops are quite spread out so help would probably come to late.

John_McMurray ,

Amish are literally pacifist. Mormons aren’t. I’ve never even saw an Anabaptist who owns a gun, they slaughter animals old style, sharp knife.

psud ,

I doubt assault rifles are acceptable technology for the Amish too.

I wouldn’t put it past the Mormon army to use nukes, but I doubt they need to, and the population density of Amish isn’t going to give us the megadeaths we want from nukes anyway

My money’s still on the Mormons in a conventional fight, especially as the Amish (as you said) are opposed to fighting anyway

Olhonestjim , (edited )

The Mormons even have a nascent arms industry. A bunch of up and coming gun and silencer companies come out of Utah and Idaho.

Finally, the Mormon church has literally 100 billion dollars, impassable mountains with simple chokepoints, trained veterans with combat experience, and zero issues with using the latest technologies.

AllNewTypeFace ,
@AllNewTypeFace@leminal.space avatar

If the Amish can somehow detonate a large enough EMP, they’re in with a chance.

ricecake ,

I had to look up the motivation for their beliefs, and now I know a touch more about the Amish.

It’s not about avoiding technology, it’s about avoiding undesired influences on their culture.

As such, I think that a non-violent (they’re a pacifist order) but entirely crippling tool to anyone with a dependence on technology would be perfectly acceptable.

Many orders accept batteries but not connection to the power grid. I have to believe that would extend to capacitor banks, particularly since capacitors predate when the Amish started to eschew technology and not just outsiders.

So it’s gonna be a race to get people into town to buy every super capacitor from every store they can get to, and then get them charging from the windmills.

The Mormons will easily show up before they finish, but with any luck the mutual “hey, hello! Welcome!” picnic and potluck, sharing of hot dishes, and general friendly meet and greet will go on long enough to charge the device and render modern technology obsolete for thousands of miles around them.

AllNewTypeFace ,
@AllNewTypeFace@leminal.space avatar

The Mormons have a culture of anthropological scholarship, a byproduct of their missionary programme and (to a lesser extent) of disproportionately many Mormons working as intelligence analysts. As such, it’s not implausible that they might see through such a ruse.

It may do the Amish well to start quietly hoarding supercapacitors as soon as Amish-Mormon relations start souring. Or even before: one could make a case for a preprepared EMP bomb being the Amish equivalent of a nuclear deterrent against any potential aggressors.

ricecake ,

I’d definitely agree that the Amish would be well served seeking enhanced second or even first strike EMP capabilities.

I don’t think the picnic would be taken as a ruse however, only as an unavoidable preamble to any group interaction. My, admittedly limited, interactions with Mormons led me to believe they also have a cultural weakness for the potluck.
So less a ruse, and more of an ambrosia and corn themed version of 1700s troops lining up before battle.

verity_kindle ,

Potluck coma is so dangerous, the pitchforks will be coming out from under the table and no one will care.

jimbolauski ,

After the trade embargo, the mormans will run out of furniture. They’ll have no tables to eat from, no chairs to sit on, no beds to sleep on. After a month the mormans will be exhausted and starving and ready to topple over with a single flick.

verity_kindle ,

Ready to topple over with a single flick, unlike a fine Amish bench. No cushions, please, there’s a war on!

HelixDab2 ,

You haven’t seen the deep stores of folding tables and chairs that they have in the cultural halls (aka gymnasiums) at their local wards and stake centers. They have ten high-quality steel folding chairs for every member that shows up each week.

Roflmasterbigpimp ,
@Roflmasterbigpimp@lemmy.world avatar

Armish, because of their fancy hats.

ResoluteCatnap ,

I heard Mormons are also known as LSD cuz they use so much. Amish going to wipe the floor with them.

Also the Amish have horses

Mango ,

If bloodlusted, Amish easily. They’re tougher than the nails they’re holding their barns up with, and not prone to complaining. In reality though, they’re big softies. They won’t even participate in haggling unless a deal is hurting them. Watching my mom haggle with an Amish dude for dog studding service is easily the most cringe moment of my life. I had to make her greedy ass stop!

Bakkoda ,

I buy my black locust/larch for raised beds from Amish/Mennonites (Fort Plain/Fonda area upstate NY) and it’s so cheap when i round up to “tip” they are almost offended and very confused. It’s hilarious to me and i hope they understand but I’m gonna tip them and there’s nothing they can do about it.

Mango ,

They really deserve better than they’re asking for. Amish are generally really good people.

ICastFist ,
@ICastFist@programming.dev avatar

The amish have a Weird Al song and clip. Easy win for them.

DannyMac ,

We need an epic orchestral version of Amish Paradise like what you’d hear in a trailer!

HobbitFoot ,

The Mormon Church has historical experience in low-intensity conflict, has members surprisingly embedded in diplomatic circles, has experience in power projection, and is fucking rich.

Mormons aren’t just going to be soaking, but soaking in Amish blood.

redhorsejacket ,

I had almost managed to scroll away before I remembered what soaking was, and now I want an apology for the image that you’ve placed in my head

HelixDab2 ,

Oh man, have I got a word for you: DOCKING.

redhorsejacket ,

I mean, if they spill enough Amish blood to the point where sailing and docking is involved, don’t you think someone should stop them?

HobbitFoot ,

lol, no.

redhorsejacket ,

Then you leave me no choice. I hope you stub your toe. Not the big one. The lil guy. Just remember, you’ve brought this curse up on yourself.

HobbitFoot ,

You monster.

verity_kindle ,

You’ve gone too far in your calls for graphic violence!

psud ,

Shouldn’t you commend them for their overkill?

figaro ,

Lolll soaking.

Spot on though. The Mormon church has connections and infinite money, rivaling the Catholic Church in terms of wealth (and only increasing by the year). Their current estimated value is over 200 billion, in real estate, land, and investments. They own significant holdings in farmland all over the country including 1% of the entire landmass of Florida.

Historically speaking, the church already went to war against the United States, and attempted to assassinate a governor (unsuccessfully). 1800’s Mormons were nuts.

Obligatory note - I grew up Mormon. I don’t recommend joining the church. Their beliefs are objectively incorrect and oftentimes harmful. They have a cool history though.

rekorse ,

Almost like religions are just a way to steal from your followers.

HelixDab2 ,

<serious>

Mormons. And it’s over in a week, tops.

Mormons are really into guns on the whole. There’s an entire fundie Mormon clan (the Kingstons) that own Desert Tech, an arms manufacturer. Mormons in general have a very high rate of enlistment in military services, while the Amish are pacifists and opposed to any form of modern technology. And don’t forget that you have the Deseret Nationalists that are quite willing to murder for their religion.

RobertoOberto ,

Desert Tech

If the momos make DT rifles their standard issue, the Amish will win.

Mirshe ,

Don’t forget that there are still some people trying to make Blood Libel a thing again in the mainline church as well!

HelixDab2 ,

I think you mean “blood atonement”, not “blood libel”. Blood libel is about Jews (supposedly) killing Christian babies. And yeah, those are the DezNat people.

Mirshe ,

Yeah, blood atonement was what I was thinking of.

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