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CheesyGordita ,

Mormons. They already have an army of ~70k extremely impressionable 18-20 year olds (missionaries) hopped up on dirty sodas and sexual repression ready to do whatever for their prophet in the name of god.

Source: was Mormon, was missionary, still live in Utah. lol

Vendetta9076 ,
@Vendetta9076@sh.itjust.works avatar

Hwat is dirty soda

CheesyGordita ,

Soda with mix ins. Like flavor mix ins. So you go to a soda shop, ask for a Dr Pepper, then get like vanilla, coconut, or raspberry, etc mix ins. Kinda like an Italian soda. It’s huge here in utah.

figjam ,

First off, you guys have soda shops? Is it all 50s theamed?

CheesyGordita ,

Nah, most of them are just modern soulless rectangle buildings with little or no interior decorations. I’ve only been inside one a few years back tho. However most people just use the drive through and line up like 50 cars deep and block traffic and access to other surrounding buildings like the lemmings they are, lol

verity_kindle ,

My house will be soulless without some schweet Amish benches on the porch. Money on them to win, I have no other choice. It’s a huge ass wraparound porch.

Lightor ,

I moved here from NY and it surprised me. I think it’s because they can’t have coffee and such, so they drink a ton of soda. Coffee bad, but a 44 oz Coke at 8am, totally fine.

figjam ,

I had a mormon friend who was similar and it was just jarring the amount of diet mountain dew that he could put away.

burble ,

They made the Coke Freestyle machine into its own store?

burble ,

They made the Coke Freestyle machine into its own store?

skyspydude1 ,

Yes, but imagine they’re as prolific as Starbucks and with 5x the amount of sugar as a normal soda. Everyone thinks the south is the sugary drink capital of the US, with Coca-Cola being in Georgia and sweet tea being the official drink south of the Mason-Dixon, but compared to the shit that comes out of those dirty soda shops in Utah, they’re like LaCroix and plain black tea by comparison.

Since they can’t do “hot drinks”, my coworkers there would typically drink 2-3 Monsters or 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew in a typical workday. It was absolutely insane to see.

jubilationtcornpone ,

That just sounds like a Sonic Drive In.

sugar_in_your_tea ,

Think of Sonic, but on steroids. There are chains of soda shops here in Utah who literally only sell soda, and they have every mixin you can think of. Mango puree? Yup. Gummy bears? You bet! Peeps? What do you think we are, amateurs??

Come visit Utah, where everyone is speed-running diabetes. Why? Because the 64oz soda holders in our massive trucks need to be filled, and not with peasant sodas from Maverick or 7/11, but with real, artisan sodas with crazy mixins and whatnot.

HootinNHollerin ,

I’ll take a Dr Pepper with an Amaretto mix-in plz…

Oni_eyes ,

Wait, they can have caffeine now?

sugar_in_your_tea ,

Nobody ever said they couldn’t, the only proscription is on “hot drinks,” which has been interpreted as “coffee and tea.” The anti-caffeine people are the “spirit of the law” people, and for decades, Coke sold caffeine-free versions of their products to BYU (that ended relatively recently).

Oni_eyes ,

Huh, TIL. Had some classmates that are Mormon growing up and I guess they were from the spirit of the law group.

AVincentInSpace ,

Mormons, no question. Unlike the Amish they believe in using technology, and as a bonus, some of the best city planning in America is in Utah

abbiistabbii ,
@abbiistabbii@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

The Amish are pacifists and the Mormons have been involved in several wars so my bet is on the Mormons.

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

Mormons lose big, and here’s why.

Those damn bright white shirts. Easy targets.

No way you can miss them, even on the smokiest battlefield.

The Amish blend into the background better.

sugar_in_your_tea ,

The problem is, in order to actually hit a target, you need to shoot. Amish don’t shoot.

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

That’s what they want you to think!

Oni_eyes ,

Depends, can the Amish get the support of the states with former Mormon bounty laws? That would be a wild mercenary third party

wieson ,

In the first week, the Mormon airforce rises into the air and starts a carpet bombing campaign.

Seemingly, the Amish are destroyed as there are no signs of fighting back. The Mormon missionaries move in to pacify the newly conquered territory. But all the towns are dead and empty.

After two weeks of raising the Mormon flags everywhere, the top brass gets a notice: several Amish towns have sprung up in the hinterlands. Quickly the Mormon army rushes in but all they find are desolated settlements.

General after general gets burn-out from this game of whack-a-mole. The Mormons want a fight but the pacifist Amish aren’t playing along. The Mormon youth gets dissatisfied with their rulers who called then into a war and are not delivering.

On the other side of the curtain, the Amish are not allowed to fight back. They simply leave their homes and rebuild somewhere else, especially in places the Mormon army just left. But some amongst them are of the opinion that, although fighting is strictly prohibited, a few accident should be within the rules.

So the numbers of unexplained explosions in the Mormon homeland start to rise. It’s just the beginning, but the methane tanks on the Amish dairy farms overfloweth.

A Mormon officer suggests arming local cheese lords to get a hold of the situation. Wherever have we seen that before?

verity_kindle ,

Hail the local cheese lords! Welcome to CHEEZDOME

Omega_Man ,

My only proposed time dit: Due to their uncanny ability to construct elaborate building in a single day, the Amish continue constructing full barns and houses at each site.

FireTower ,
@FireTower@lemmy.world avatar

Last I checked the LDS have actual industrial arms manufacturering capacity.

thesporkeffect ,

They also literally run the US government

pearsaltchocolatebar ,

No, that’s evangelicals.

thesporkeffect ,

Politicians, sure. Not what I was talking about though.

harrys_balzac ,

Lots of Mormons in the Secret Service, FBI, etc. Their jingoistic fervor is highly sought after.

skillissuer ,
@skillissuer@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

some recruiters call this “low-risk behavior”, apparently cult takeover was not one of these risks

dditty ,

Yeah their adherence to the Mormon faith means they live largely without indulging in vices so they are harder to compromise/extort (allegedly)

skillissuer ,
@skillissuer@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

yeah they might be harder to compromise with booze but they are already compromised by cult thinking, best deal in history lol

dditty , (edited )

FBI:

https://lemm.ee/pictrs/image/bc08f1c5-f5a2-4f76-940b-63b6fbfd0743.jpeg

skillissuer ,
@skillissuer@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

i heard that CIA recruits from mormons

nuke OP ,

That can’t be real because everyone knows

THERE IS NO CIA

psud ,

I think it even says that in the CIA fact book, which means it is in fact a fact

nuke OP ,

Wait how did you get access to our handbook?

pewgar_seemsimandroid ,

we learned how to print hello world in COBOL

skillissuer ,
@skillissuer@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

it’s the NSA that doesn’t exist

OsaErisXero ,

A not insignificant one at that.

satanmat ,

You must have your years supply of food and ammo just like the prophet told us…

nilloc ,

The Amish might be more self reliant for the long haul. Keep growing veggies and chickens and you can outlast the Mormons during an insurgency.

KamikazeRusher ,

And a fair amount of them own an AR-15

potatopotato ,

This is the real answer, there are soooo many Mormon gun companies and defense contractors it’s fucking wild.

Tar_alcaran ,

And we all know how well it went the last time a massive industrialized army took on a bunch of peasants on bikes.

PenisWenisGenius ,

The Mormons control all the salt because Utah. Salt is vitally important in off grid homesteading or something. They’ve already won.

mojofrododojo ,

the amish have a mafia. and reliable post apoc transport.

The mormons won’t know what hit them.

VindictiveJudge ,
@VindictiveJudge@lemmy.world avatar

A deeply religious people who control all the salt? Triangle Strategy intensifies.

nuke OP , (edited )

Friendly reminder to be noncredible. Don’t actually attack other people for their religious beliefs. If you don’t have a funny take, and you’re just here to spread hate, maybe shut the fuck up instead 👍

pewgar_seemsimandroid ,

green man

spujb ,

now this is podracing!

HobbitFoot ,

The Mormon Church has historical experience in low-intensity conflict, has members surprisingly embedded in diplomatic circles, has experience in power projection, and is fucking rich.

Mormons aren’t just going to be soaking, but soaking in Amish blood.

redhorsejacket ,

I had almost managed to scroll away before I remembered what soaking was, and now I want an apology for the image that you’ve placed in my head

HelixDab2 ,

Oh man, have I got a word for you: DOCKING.

redhorsejacket ,

I mean, if they spill enough Amish blood to the point where sailing and docking is involved, don’t you think someone should stop them?

HobbitFoot ,

lol, no.

redhorsejacket ,

Then you leave me no choice. I hope you stub your toe. Not the big one. The lil guy. Just remember, you’ve brought this curse up on yourself.

HobbitFoot ,

You monster.

verity_kindle ,

You’ve gone too far in your calls for graphic violence!

psud ,

Shouldn’t you commend them for their overkill?

figaro ,

Lolll soaking.

Spot on though. The Mormon church has connections and infinite money, rivaling the Catholic Church in terms of wealth (and only increasing by the year). Their current estimated value is over 200 billion, in real estate, land, and investments. They own significant holdings in farmland all over the country including 1% of the entire landmass of Florida.

Historically speaking, the church already went to war against the United States, and attempted to assassinate a governor (unsuccessfully). 1800’s Mormons were nuts.

Obligatory note - I grew up Mormon. I don’t recommend joining the church. Their beliefs are objectively incorrect and oftentimes harmful. They have a cool history though.

rekorse ,

Almost like religions are just a way to steal from your followers.

tinfoilhat ,

I’d fight alongside the Amish because they make nice ass furniture. I’ll control the drones while they reload their muskets.

UnderpantsWeevil ,
@UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world avatar

I know not how we will fight WW3, but WW4 will be fought with magic underwear and beards with no mustache.

No_Eponym ,
@No_Eponym@lemmy.ca avatar

The Battle of Hyrums.

Semi_Hemi_Demigod ,
@Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world avatar

The Amish would win but only once

verity_kindle ,

Hey. What happened to Semi-Hemi-DEMIgod? Do you have a top hat, goatee and mustache, but otherwise look exactly like him? Explain yourself! Don’t make me call my barnraisers.

Semi_Hemi_Demigod ,
@Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world avatar

Kbin is still down :( This is my alt

verity_kindle ,

Oh, ok. Glad you found a way back here to be weird with us.

DeltaWingDragon ,
@DeltaWingDragon@sh.itjust.works avatar

Gonna be like the Vietnam War. High tech powerful army vs low tech actually competent guerrillas. Amish gonna win.

Sanctus ,
@Sanctus@lemmy.world avatar

Homie could you imagine Amish Guerrilla Warfare? Those dudes are so down to earth you’d think it was straight up the earth that attacked you. They dont even need GPS to know where they are. Mormons are gonna need some huge advantage other than their thug stratagem to beat the Amish Will.

match ,
@match@pawb.social avatar

Yeah this map is basically USA vs Vietnam

nuke OP ,

Amish guerilla agents coming out of literally every tree, bush, patch of vegetation imaginable

https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/5c29a58e-52d0-450a-8d53-89280d8d83cf.webp

mediOchre ,

The Amish are the Vietnamese of the USA?

Snapz ,

Ezekiel is in the trees, man!

verity_kindle ,

Whittling sounds…nothing else

harrys_balzac ,

Quite honestly, I think the Amish would find a lot of collaborators. As a former Mormon, I’d be happy to help the Amish out in some way.

EmoDuck ,

Images going to bed in an Mormon military base and waking up that, surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night

makuus ,

…surprise, the Amish build a prison camp around you during the night

Just a modest shed, really…

Sylvartas ,

They dont even need GPS to know where they are.

Inhales

The Amish knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn’t. By subtracting where it is from where it isn’t, or where it isn’t from where it is (whichever is greater)…

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