wtf. My last office job had 2 of these, I never thought about it before. I don’t recall ever seeing anyone use them but some corporate maintenence guy would come inspect them twice a year.
Im feeling a sci-fi prompt, maybe SCP with sexy Event (w)Horizon vibes.
[Book and movie SPOILERS!!]
When the first settler party lands in a dry yet well fertilised hole all is seemingly well, but after a while strange slippery secretions start to emerge all over the hole, unusually sulphuric pockets of moon gas erupt from time to time, small veiny red colourations appear at the edge of the hole, but everyone is just exited at all the new wonders and discoveries they are the first humans to witness.
Until all goes to shit - the hole closes like an … let’s say brown iris of sorts, they lose all coms & mass hysteria with delusions of thiccnes affects the entire base. Soon settlers start attacking each other with violent and uncontrolled outbursts of aggressive twerking or deadly farting. Not long after settlers physiology starts to change radically and distinctly; the fast “farters” develop a sort of ass-guns, while the slower “twerkers” atrophy all other body parts except of massive, juicy, and impossibly strong gluteus maximi.
[ - - - - - ]
Patients log, 1620 hours, day 69, Dr Semen, lead scientists of the spelunker team, unscheduled appointment:
“I keep having this visions, doctor. They keep repeating, now even when Im wide awake. Its always a visage of two moons, about equal in size, one slightly overlapping another. They look like our Moon, but there are two of them!!”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“Idk Copilot_D0c_v0.245, I feel nothing really, completely empty perhaps. But I do remember them being oddly erotic.”
“Erotic? The succulent soft globes of the seductive Lu… I mean moons?”
“What? Yes, I guess.
But Im here today because I fear by condition may be rapidly accelerating. I have no explanation for it. The medic gave me a full scan and found nothing - all STDs within normal parameters.”
“You have said your “condition” is accelerating? Are you unfit to perform your work duti-”
“No, no! I can perform normally, don’t dock my daily oxygen ratings rations!”
“Proceed with your report please.”
“My “report”? This is a confidential and encrypted session, right?”
“Yes, naturally, we at Devil’s Taint Inc™ respect your privacy and your wellbeing is of our outmost importance.”
" . . .
So my vision, I have to tell someone, maybe it’s a warning, a premonition? …
I keep seeing the two moons, they are ever so slowly getting closer and they keep moving up and down, in a steady rhythmic motion … They also move somewhat apart when on the downward curve only to violently slam together at their topmost point, seemingly cancelling each other whorizontal momentum but resulting in catastrophic shockwaves!! Nothing in the vicinity could survive that kind of power! It’s a warning, I know it is!!"
[Dr Semen can be heard sobbing]
" Unscheduled health check complete.
Your were found to be fit for work and shall resume with your shifts as scheduled.
And try to remember, there is only one Moon, The great Clappening isn’t prophesied to happen for another millennia or so.
This session is now terminated, have a pleasant rest of the day"
this is fucking hilarious. it’s exactly as functional as the gigantic kitchenaid mixer that my housemate INSISTS that it stay on the kitchen counter even though it hasn’t been used in 5+ years. apparently for some people it’s absolutely imperative that anyone who happens to come to the house MUST be made aware that we have a fucking kitchenaid mixer
No shit. My mom got a kitchen aid from my aunt and it has day unused under a hideous floral pattern dust cover because it was white and not pink like she wanted.
Next to the unused bread machine which is next to the George Foreman grill which is next to the panini press…
I had an ex who insisted on this setup. Apparently Kitchenaid has somehow been able to convince people this is an decorative status symbol. As an appliance I’ve never seen one in action and I’ve seen many of them.
Of course it is. That’s why it comes in so many color options. Including “limited edition” ones which I find equal parts hilarious and infuriating.
Anyway, Smeg probably holds the crown for that sort of thing currently. Check this out. Notice that they won’t even show you the price at first. That’s because it’s got a UMRP of $2000.
My 50 year old Kenwood mixer stays on the counter for one reason only and that’s because it’s too goddamn heavy to be lifting back and forth. Also I sometimes get inspired to bake just from seeing it on the counter, which is a nice plus.
The motion blur is what is most characteristic of AI. Also the horses lack of shadow, the nonsense text on signs, the fact that there’s a horse in a convenience store.
Ich habe Dinge gesehen, die ihr Menschen niemals glauben würdet. Gigantische Schiffe, die brannten, draußen vor der Schulter des Orion. Und ein rosa fliegendes Schwein, genannt Pupsi, im Kino, nahe meiner 6-jährigern Tochter.
RFC 1925 (3) With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead.
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