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Are your grandparents and parents nice or tolerant people?

I’ve just been out for food with parents (60’s) and nana (80’s) and I don’t know why I go as they leave me disheartened every time damn time.

In the short span of a couple of hours they (mainly my nana but parents will have silly views too) managed to comment on the number of black athletes at the Olympics (somehow being a bad thing), shit on the upcoming Para-olympics (quote: disabled people should just accept their lot and not try sport), protesters (of any kind) and questioning if any protests have ever been successful, to which I answered the suffragette‘s we’re pretty successful.

Complaining about people being spoilt these days at the same time as my nana confessing she was given food in a bowl at my aunties and refused to eat it unless it was on a plate (seems pretty spoilt to me). Asking for things to be like when she was younger, to which I asked if she was a fan of Nazi Germany as she grew up post WWII.

I guess I am wondering how can I come from a family that seemingly has no compassion for anybody and even less empathy for anybody different than them. They make me angry at times and I know I can be annoying my always challenging their bullshit views, but I can’t sit there and let people take utter nonsense like this.

I haven’t even covered half the awful stuff they say and their warped ideals.

Edit: The other one that irritates me is them (two women ) shitting on female athletes. Like WTF if a female wants to be a footballer what skin is it off their noses. Unless they just bitter they people have more choice to be themselves now.

minibyte ,

I corrected my Dad on his hateful speach a few years back and he replied ”it’s my goal, just as it should be yours, to be better than my father”.

That has to be one of the most candid things he’s ever said to me.

Roopappy ,

Agreed.

My grandparents: Loudly racist

My parents: Quietly racist

Me: Thinking brain logical, but unconscious bias

My kids: Man, my parent is racist.

Good thinking, kid. Get better than me.

TheMinions ,

As a parent, I will always want my kids to do better than I did.

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

Mine are dead, because I’m old as hell myself.

But it was quite different on each side of my family, with some minor interesting quirks.

Now, they were all nice enough. Even my one grandfather that was a fairly venomous racist was nice, even to black people. Hell, if anything he was nicer to black people than other whites. It’s an old south thing.

Obviously, tolerance was not his strong suit when out of the public.

And that was true for my grandmother on that side as well. She was less vehement about it, and more of the habitual racist. You know the type, they don’t hate black people, and don’t even really have real problems with them, but they grew up with racism being the default, and see no reason to stop using slurs just because times have changed. But she’d never say anything mean to anyone.

Kinda weird shit tbh. I took one of my friends over to her house at one point, and whenever the subject of school came up, she’d remember him and ask “how is your n****** friend?”. Wasn’t being hurtful in her mind, she was genuinely asking after him because he was my friend. The south can be fucking nuts that way. Which, when I was younger than that time, my parents had sheltered me from the n word and what it really meant, which led to some funny but problematic confusion eventually.

On the other side, both grandparents were legit super tolerant. Like, my best friend is gay, and at one point they thought we were together, so they were inviting him to family gatherings. My black friends were always welcome, nothing ever even mentioned about race at all.

My grandfather was republican, but was a one issue voter (2a rights). He was otherwise progressive as hell. Like, there was this show in the eighties called “Soap”. Billy Crystal got famous on it and played an gay man. He often said after the show would end that he didn’t understand what the problem was, “there were sailors like that under my command. You didn’t talk about such things, but they never bothered anyone, and they served their country with honor.”

I worked as a bouncer off and on as a side gig, including for gay bars. My best friend was/is gay. So I ended up being active in gay rights support. Never had to worry about it being a problem. My grandfather said he was proud of me a few times, and while neither of them enjoyed seeing me bandaged and beat all to hell when either the job or the activism got ugly, they were pissed that people were like that, and never once suggested I should stop.

Now, that grandfather had served during some of the cold war and hated Russians. With a passion. So he wasn’t free of prejudice entirely. That grandmother though, she never had anything bad to say about groups of people. And she’d tell my grandfather to shush his mouth when he’d watch the news and go on a Russia rant lol. Strangely, he never minded me being fairly friendly with socialist ideas. He’d argue the points of it, but never said I shouldn’t believe any given thing.

I loved all of them. I still do, even my racist grandfather. It wasn’t the totality of who he was, and I can love people that are flawed. Maybe if he’d lived longer, he could have changed. My grandmother that was racist did to some degree (switched to “colored” instead after my dad gave her hell once), and my dad and uncles rejected that bullshit early on, so that might have swayed him eventually. Or maybe he would have stayed just as bad, I dunno.

Maeve , (edited )

You said good things here. It irks me that one parent is particularly virulently racist and a spiritual bully (eg, if your belief differs or you don't have a god belief, that belief and probably you, are demonic). Yet they aren't rude to other races*, it's covert racism. But when I think of all my personal shortcomings and the off the wall stuff I went through and my trauma behaviors, I can see that their behaviors are trauma behaviors. The only differences were* a NDE and ego death.

Edited for grammar

Edit 2 for autocorrect

vfreire85 ,

that’s a great testimony.

MagicShel ,

My folks are chill. My mom and her friends are passionately cool. My dad DGAF. He’s cool, but he’s also a charter boat captain which means lots of sportsmen so he has to be able to ignore/get along with anyone. He just gives a noncommittal grunt and steers the conversation back to fishing.

My father in law is okay. Ex cop so opposite of ACAB. Spouts Fox News bullshit, but he sat out the last election because he has like 8 granddaughters and at least one gay grandson. He’s a good guy as long as you don’t talk about anything political. He accepted my kid when they identified as trans for a bit. (Jury’s still out. Don’t care, they just don’t seem committed to anything right now.)

His brothers, though, what fucking assholes. I have to tolerate them for my wife’s sake because she can’t deal with family strife but I actually had to sit in a public restaurant with one of them making buck teeth and shouting “Ching Chang Chong” when saying something insulting about Asians, then “oh but now I’m racist.” Right you are, motherfucker. Disgusting. Humiliating.

My ability to even mildly rebuke them is limited by my need to keep the peace for my wife. But if I could I’d just tell them to let me know when they are done acting that way, and I’d get a drink at the bar.

CoolMatt ,

IIRC, the Americans with Disabilities Act was a product of protest. People across the country one day blocked buses and intersections, and now we have curb cuts, automatic buttons at doors, handle bars in public shitters, etc. (any corrections welcome, it was a podcast I listened to 2 years ago, I’m not American)

I wonder if your 80 nana benefits from any of those on a regular basis?

NONE_dc ,
@NONE_dc@lemmy.world avatar

They grew up in a different era, and as people get older it’s harder for them to let go of backward ideas. Even my mother, a fervent feminist, from time to time makes transphobic comments that are born more out of ignorance than anything else. Sometimes she seems to understand and other times she doesn’t seem to want to understand. My father, on the other hand, is also generally a good person, but his machismo and homophobia are very strong. One day he had said that he would rather shoot himself if he found out that any of his children were Gay, that phrase still haunts me and prevents me from being more open with my bisexuality. I love him dearly, but he is far from perfect. I don’t know what my grandmother’s political views are, but she has always come across as loving and receptive. She taught me to Crochet even though I was a man, she insisted that I pay no attention to anyone who told me it was a woman’s thing. Despite this, she is a simple woman and very disconnected from the outside world, and from what my mother has told me, there was a time when she was terrible. Old people are… Complicated.

HEXN3T ,
@HEXN3T@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

“When will there be straight pride month?”

No.

Tekkip20 ,
@Tekkip20@lemmy.world avatar

No? Why?

mutter9355 ,

Name one place in the world where being straight is illegal.

pendulous ,

And we all know you can’t celebrate things that aren’t downtrodden

PonyOfWar ,

My parents, yes absolutely. They are responsible for me growing up to be a tolerant, left-leaning person in a mostly conservative rural area. Being boomers, they might not be up to date with all the current LGBT terms or things like that, but they definitely have/had an open mind and don’t judge people.

My paternal grandparents (born in the 1910s and 1920s) were very religious. My dad had to suffer a very strict upbringing under them. He was not allowed to read comics, watch TV, read sci-fi novels etc (though he did all of these things in secret). I only knew them as a child when they were already in their 80s and they were nice to me, but from what I’ve heard from my dad not necessarily nice people, and definitely not tolerant.

My maternal grandma (never knew my grandpa) rarely ever talked about politics or society or anything. She was a very down-to-earth person. That said, she definitely held some bigoted views in the form of prejudice against foreigners. She had major reservations when some Turkish people moved in next door. She eventually became friends with them though, so she managed to overcome her prejudice. I’d say she was a nice person.

Crikeste ,

Yepp, pretty typical. I have family that calls themselves progressive and say similar shit to yours.

I pretty much resorted to considering them all dead.

It’s pretty funny when they wonder why I don’t come around anymore. “It’s because of you, you bigoted racist piece of garbage fuck.”

schwim ,

Can I ask why you can’t let them talk their nonsense? I know you don’t think you can change them so if you choose to hang out with them, why can’t you just let them be them? I’m not telling you that you should hang out with them, just that joining in on their discussion is a zero sum game.

I chose not to interact with family any longer and haven’t spoken to any of them in years. Not out of anger or spite but simply because none of us were getting anything positive from the relationship.

dependencyinjection OP ,

Sure. I honestly can’t control myself, I go with intentions of rising above it but then I can’t.

I suppose if you’re not trying to let people know that their views are not acceptable then you’re part of the problem.

I realise it’s futile and maybe there is an air of righteousness to my personality that I need to address. I just can’t sit there and allow people in our party to spew hatred without saying something.

I know for a fact that if we had a disabled family member competing in the paras then they would have a different view. Kinda like the only moral abortion is my abortion and I find that deplorable as I try to treat everybody the same whether you’re family or not.

NotAnotherLemmyUser ,

I suppose if you’re not trying to let people know that their views are not acceptable then you’re part of the problem.

Yes, but how are you approaching this discussion?

I think there are different ways to handle this. On one hand you can be hostile and “give them what they deserve”. On the other hand you can engage in friendly arguments.

This is a story about how someone from the Westboro Baptist Church left because of the way that people engaged with her. www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVV2Zk88beY

What’s worth noting from this story, people that were hostile in their interactions with her only served to entrench her further in her ideals.

What caused her to change her mind were the people that had “friendly arguments” and made an effort to learn where she was coming from.

She listed out 4 key points when engaging in difficult conversations. I extracted/paraphrased some of what she said below:

  1. Don’t assume bad intent (assume good or neutral intent instead) - Assuming ill motive almost instantly cuts you off from truly understanding why someone does and believes as they do. We forget that they’re a human being with a lifetime of experience that shaped their mind and we get stuck on that first wave of anger and the conversation has a very hard time ever moving beyond it.
  2. Ask Questions - Asking questions helps us map the disconnect. We can’t present effective arguments if we don’t understand where the other side is coming from.
  3. Stay calm - She though that “[her] rightness justified [her] rudeness”. When things get too hostile during a conversation, tell a joke, recommend a book, change the subject, or excuse yourself from the conversation. The discussion isn’t over, but pause it for a time to let tensions dissapate.
  4. Make the argument - One side effect of having strong beliefs is that we sometimes assume that the value of our position is, or should be, obvious and self-evident. That we shouldn’t have to defend our positions because they’re so clearly right and good. If it were that simple, we would all see things the same way.

You can’t expect others to spontaneously change their minds. If we want change, we have to make the case for it.

ellabee ,

my grandparents have passed away now, but when i knew them they were unfailingly polite in public.

in private, Grandma had reservations about japanese people. i gave her leeway. Pearl Harbor was bombed on her birthday, and Grandpa went to Iwo Jima. i still felt i could bring a japanese boyfriend around, and as long as i was happy, he’d be treated right. Grandpa didn’t even suggest reservations. he took everyone as an individual worthy of respect until their behavior suggested differently.

my parents are in their 60s now, but i don’t have contact with them for other reasons. the last time i looked at my mom’s twitter i thought she had been hacked, the MAGA rhetoric she was spewing was so awful. not hacked, just an asshole.

Moonguide ,

My dad ain’t nice but he can be tolerant, my mum can be nice but her extremely narrow worldview does not let her be tolerant, and my grandma is neither nice nor tolerant. Never met really met my other grandparents to comment.

They never challenged their conservative upbringing, and never faced progressive values until well into their adulthood, since social issues move at a glacial pace where I’m at. I don’t blame them for having those values at some point, but they should strive to change (well, my parents at least).

Pulptastic ,

Mom is cool, super accepting. My dad is a weirdo trumper. My MIL is also accepting of many but is a bit racist and not yet accepting of trans folks.

All the grands were worse. The surviving one isn’t overtly so but is passive aggressive about it, so better than my dad at least.

finestnothing ,

My maternal grandmother - extremely nice and sweet, died of breast cancer when I was a kid so I don’t remember much else about her.

My maternal grandfather - convicted for soliciting an underage prostitute (undercover cop), that’s all I know about him and it’s enough. Not sure if he’s even alive.

Paternal grandparents - psychotic religious fanatics (burned our Harry Potter and Mickey the sorcerer books while babysitting when I was a baby, killed multiple of my dad’s pets growing up, etc). Have only seen that grandmother when the grandfather died and at a Christmas party a month later - still psychotic and super rude.

My parents - nicest people you’ll ever meet, I have basically no bad memories from being raised (except my dad only makes broccoli and cauliflower by microwaving it)

CouncilOfFriends ,

My parents are still very Mormon, which means being openly bigoted is bad manners. That said, I don’t think I ever visit without my dad saying something about climate change being a hoax, illegals voting in California, wildfires being part of some AntiFa conspiracy, etc. Can’t tell whether he sincerely believes this nonsense or is just trying to get a reaction. I try not to engage other than asking where he learned about it and how he’s tried to fact check it. These discussions are not productive, and I don’t visit unless it’s a major holiday or someone’s birthday.

Adderbox76 ,

Mom, yes. Dad, no.

Dad’s a bigot that doesn’t understand why he can’t use “those kind of words” these days so he rants about it in private.

HOWEVER…he would never say it to their face, he’s at least THAT self-aware. And for the most part, he wouldn’t hassle them (or anyone).

While his personal beliefs are most certainly bigoted. He’s anti-LGBTQ+, anti-indigenous (we’re in Canada), anti-immigrant (he himself IS a fucking immigrant…smh)

But his biggest trait is simply live and let live. He doesn’t agree with them, but he has no interest in forcing that disagreement upon them.

He basically believes in everyone minding their own damn business regardless of what they may personally believe.

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