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dumbass , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot
@dumbass@leminal.space avatar

Place the top of the bag between your palms, then think about your evil plan while sliding your hands against each other till they open, if not, try it on the bottom of the bag.

SPRUNT ,

The “Mr. Miyagi” technique.

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/f1640e23-0da6-41bb-85c0-214eb3611f8e.gif

i_stole_ur_taco ,

It’s worth pointing out that this only works if your plan is sufficiently evil.

JeeBaiChow , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot

Lick your fingertips, or wet them on a beverage from the cooler, then rub them against the 2 sheets of the opening. You’re welcome.

jaschen ,

Don’t lick your fingers. Unless you just washed your hands. This is how you get sick.

Touch your fingers on a damp/wet vegetables instead.

tfw_no_toiletpaper ,

Who tf is downvoting this, GUYS OMG PLEASE DONT LICK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS

lightnsfw ,

Don’t put your grubby fingers on vegetables you’re not purchasing either.

tfw_no_toiletpaper ,

Why would I do that anyway

Not_mikey ,

But what if there’s taki dust on them?

Xephonian ,

That’s how you build natural immunity.

You think you’re not exposed to germs constantly? If the germs are on your hands they are also already on your face.

You’d think germ theory hasn’t been discovered since fucking 1762.

samus12345 ,
@samus12345@lemmy.world avatar

You think you’re not exposed to germs constantly?

Yes, which is why you don’t need to go out of your way to get exposed to more.

Xephonian ,

You’re worried about a water balloon while standing under a waterfall.

samus12345 ,
@samus12345@lemmy.world avatar

Good metaphor, since the water balloon is separate from the waterfall and could be filled with anything.

elfin8er ,

I mean, by definition a water balloon is filled with water.

samus12345 ,
@samus12345@lemmy.world avatar

And water can be contaminated with just about anything.

Xephonian ,

The ‘water’ is the ‘contamination’.

ameancow ,

That’s how you build natural immunity.

Not everything you’re infected with gives you benefits, there are a vast many transmissible infectious agents that can literally kill you. While the chances of licking your finger in a grocery store and getting something that bad are pretty slim, it does happen, and your “natural immunity” is working all the time anyway, you don’t need to DO anything to help it along, stop thinking you know better than either medical science OR your own body. If you’re annoyed with how other people handle their hygiene, how about be an adult and keep quiet.

ColeSloth ,

Nah. Just pick your nose and use the snot.

abbadon420 ,

I’d opt for ass sweat

blanketswithsmallpox ,

You gross ass JeeBaiChow mother fucker this is why people get sick from going to stores.

Get your fucking fingers out of your god damn mouth. Yuck. What the hell did you do during Covid lockdowns?

JeeBaiChow ,

I didn’t hear your mother complain, blankets. Maybe i’m how she made you. You’re welcome.

blanketswithsmallpox ,

Dad, you fucking suck.

JeeBaiChow ,

So does your mom, son. So does your mom.

blanketswithsmallpox ,

We’ve established that already. This is why she left you for uncle.

JeeBaiChow ,

Good. You can thank him for that potty mouth of yours, then.

blanketswithsmallpox ,

No, I get my terrible habits from you apparently ya germ spreading Covid weasel.

JeeBaiChow ,

So lick your fingers, open your bags and quit complaining like a little bitch, dumbass. What people do is their problem. Your awareness of covid is quite clear about that.

Swedneck , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot
@Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

yet another reason why paper veggie bags are better, trivially easy to open.

CrowAirbrush , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot

You might want to watch “zakje” by John Fealey, bonus laughs if you’re Dutch as more of it will be relatable.

Sam_Bass , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot

Time like that call for a spittake

Nastybutler , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot

Pro tip: Breath on your fingertips like you would if you were trying to fog up a pair of glasses. Better than licking your fingers

RidderSport ,

Pro tip: use reusable vegetable bags

Dabundis ,

This is the way. Plus they’re usually mesh so you can just toss them in the fridge with your produce and it stays breathable

the_doktor ,

Come on.

  1. Find correct end of bag, bag will tell you which is correct
  2. Place that end of bag between your (dry, not breathed on, non-disgusting) palms
  3. Rub back and forth a few times
  4. Enjoy your open bag
RBWells ,

You must not have dry hands. That step #3 should be:

Stand there rubbing on the bag with nothing happening, hand bag to husband or go over to the lettuce section and touch the ice then open the bag.

Most stuff I just toss in the cart with no plastic bag, but like to have a few for the refrigerator, they are useful.

the_doktor ,

My hands are bone dry and this works. Try harder.

bitchkat ,

You need to lick your fingertips first.

lovely_reader ,

Do you shop at Trader Joe’s? Those compostable bags are next level

frankpsy , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot

If he was at Walmart his issue would be finding one of those bags.

db2 , to lemmyshitpost in I'm breakin' rocks in the hot sun

When you cross the street put your first step just over the crosswalk paint. Watch out for cops though, they’ll shoot!

henfredemars ,

Sir this is America. They would be shooting anyway.

Crashumbc ,

Only if you’re brown or darker…

henfredemars ,

Or an acorn. Or sleeping…

lung , to lemmyshitpost in I'm breakin' rocks in the hot sun
@lung@lemmy.world avatar

Steal an unloved kitten and give her a good home

bazus1 ,

I knew there were some unsavory-types here on Lemmy, but I didn’t know there were f’n monsters here. How do you sleep at night, you ghoul?

ScruffyDucky ,

Probably surrounded by kitties

Crashumbc ,

That now have good homes.

Neato ,
@Neato@ttrpg.network avatar

Any outdoor cats without tags that you can convince to live with you is legally yours.

Don’t let your cats outdoors, people. Free cats.

LodeMike , to lemmyshitpost in I'm breakin' rocks in the hot sun

Not a crime and also completely legal

Kidplayer_666 ,

It is violation of copyright?

quixotic120 ,

Civil matter, not criminal

LodeMike ,

No it’s completely legal. It’s called time shifting.

kn33 ,

copyrighted.com/…/criminal-copyright-infringement

wreckedcarzz ,
@wreckedcarzz@lemmy.world avatar

Copyright infringement becomes a criminal offense when it involves intentional and willful violations on a commercial scale

nobody who is ripping music from a shitty yt music vid is turning it into a commercial venture

Crashumbc ,

According to the record companies and the money they pay judges it is!!!

henfredemars , to lemmyshitpost in I'm breakin' rocks in the hot sun

Posts direct content from news articles on Lemmy to save clicks and deny clickbait traffic.

MacNCheezus ,
@MacNCheezus@lemmy.today avatar

That’s not illegal, it’s merely unethical.

kn33 ,

It’s copyright infringement

MacNCheezus ,
@MacNCheezus@lemmy.today avatar

Oh, looks like I misread that comment.

Crashumbc ,

But moral…

Sir_Fridge , to lemmyshitpost in well shoot

ZAKJE

son_named_bort , to lemmyshitpost in I'm breakin' rocks in the hot sun

Remove the tag from a couch that isn’t yours.

Delonix ,

That tag could be useful!

MacNCheezus , to lemmyshitpost in I'm breakin' rocks in the hot sun
@MacNCheezus@lemmy.today avatar

Drive past a red light at an empty intersection at 1am

londos , to lemmyshitpost in I'm breakin' rocks in the hot sun

To this day I don’t know how to read Tweets in the right order. I always feel like I’m reading a Carnac joke.

TexasDrunk ,

YouTube to MP3.

YOUTUBE TO MP3!

Opens envelope and blows into it, pulling out a card

What are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness?

gst0ck ,

Think Jeopardy.

downpunxx OP ,

deep cut

residentmarchant ,

I know how to read them, but I still always read the top tweet first, then the original tweet, then the top tweet again…

I know, I’m dumb

tigeruppercut ,

Carnac

I never watched Carson but then I found out about art fern a couple years ago. Looks like I’ve got another set of sketches to look up now

callyral ,
@callyral@pawb.social avatar

Retweets are like parentheses in math

callyral ,
@callyral@pawb.social avatar

Retweets are like parentheses in math

^sorry if this shows up as a double comment, i’m not sure why it wasn’t posting my comment^

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