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People who can don't get mad and just go with the flow, how do you do it?

Here recently it seems like everything just gets under my skin so quickly and easily. It’s not that I get mad and take it out on others, it’s just the fact that I’m constantly annoyed and stressed. Something as simple as the dogs tracking some mud through the house will just ruin my mood. I know some people who would just laugh it off and clean it up. Meanwhile I’ll get pissed that I didn’t wipe their feet and be mad the entire time I’m cleaning it up. This has nothing to do with the dogs, it just an example. Any number of seemingly insignificant things can trigger me like that. Like forgetting something at the store and having to go back. I would love to be able to go, “well that sucks” and just get over it.

JoYo ,
@JoYo@lemmy.ml avatar

practice.

you have to intentionally practice.

metta is one exercise.

wolfshadowheart ,

It’s mostly about how mindful I’m being, but it’s always about the perspective. Although, I have always been very laid back and easy going - I don’t have a problem being the leader but I also don’t mind just letting things play their course.

For something like your example - the things that get me the most are say, the towel I’m using to wipe my dogs feet gets caught on every edge imaginable, hanging and tugging. It’s frustrating because I am doing something that I expect to be a certain way and I’m meeting resistance over something so simple. I’m just trying to dry the dog, why does this little thing get hooked on everything?

And same, not just the towel for the dog but everything - putting back a wooden spoon and it not going in, repeatedly. Any of that sort of thing will get me. Something about the task supposed to be taking 5 seconds but then taking so much longer, compounded with the fact that like come on it’s so simple just get in there! Oh man, when a jacket gets caught as you’re taking it off? If I’m already on the verge of a bad mood that ruins me.

For other things though, it just doesn’t matter. Like, what does it really matter?? So I went to the store and forgot something. Yeah that does suck. Oh well! Unless it was something absolutely necessary and it was the last opportunity - fuck man, yeah it’s unfortunate but I mean… Nothing to be done about it now. Why focus on that? It’s funny because I legitimately have gotten more upset about my jacket getting stuck as I take it off than when I forget something at the store. What gives with that? Lol.

I am generally an optimistic, outgoing person who looks for the best in things. That doesn’t mean I don’t get set back for a few minutes, sometimes half an hour, over something pointless. Another example that happens to me often - you have a project or a plan, you know exactly what you want to do and how to do it. Then you go to look for X, Y, and Z. X is gone, Y is broken/not charged, and Z is there but the other two are fucked so what now?? Then you either have to half-ass it around the jank or give up the plan and do it later, but the motivation hit you 10 minutes ago so now you’re just set stuck seething about a project you wanted to do but can’t finish.

For me it’s all about perspective. When I am most easy going is when I care the least, and when I am able to go with the flow or quickly get over something, it’s almost a sort of contentment from nihilism. It’s not that “nothing” matters, it’s that what matters is that I’m right here right now - what I’m doing is sort of irrelevant? The core details exist and the little ones don’t matter.

For example with the dog again, when I come back from a walk in the winter time I know what you mean. The dogs feet are soaked, so are mine. I’m all hot and bundled up with wet socks. My jacket just got stuck as I was taking it off. But man, then I grab that towel and I start rubbing down my dogs legs, she hands me her paw all dainty and pants and then hands me the other one. Licking the air and looking at me. She’s just so damn precious that all I can focus on is how cute it is to clean her paws after our walk, with the added benefit that now the entire floor and furniture doesn’t get wet/muddy. It’s not so much the result of dry cleanliness I’m going for as much as it is living in the moment with her.

Each of these are rooted in plans with expected outcomes, or the results of something else unplanned. If you are able to shift your perspective about these things, that truly can help.

When plans with expected outcomes don’t go your way, I find myself looking at whether it was in my control or out of my control, and to what degree if any. Sometimes things are just entirely out of our control. If that’s the case, then so what? What could we possibly have done? Absolutely nothing, so why fret?

Sometimes it was something in our control. Well, if it didn’t happen and it was a mistake then it’s something to learn from and work on. If it wasn’t, then whatever still? Most things in life hardly affect us for more than 6 hours, so realistically why let something small affect you for even that long in the first place? If it was in your control then now you’ve learned how to better navigate it next time.

There’s all sorts of things that I could say, I understand and relate to this. Nothing that I’m saying by the way is meant to be negative, I recognize the same things and these are how I am about it.

My partner is very different from me, a cap to a soda could fall and the next 20 minutes are stressful. The disappointment from not getting something expected will last the rest of the day. But the in/out of control still remains true.

My only real “suggestion” among all this, since it’s mostly just validation, is that where possible try to set yourself up for success. Make routines that make your life easier - I’ve started setting a towel down as part of my W.A.L.K. preparation so she walks in that and I fold it round her when we’re back.

Follow the 5-5-5 rule, does it take 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 50 minutes? If it takes 5 seconds to just put the can away, just do it. If it takes 5 seconds to put the dog food away, just do it. If it takes 5 minutes, plan it around another 5 minute task. Give yourself 15 minutes of dedication to something specific, with 45 minutes of room behind it. .

After 15 minutes, you have either finished your task and you can move on, or you have gotten heavily invested into it and you have the next 40 minutes to continue it. And of course if it takes 50 minutes, then you just know it’s a weekly task you have for that day.

And remember, if it’s something (small) that would get a negative reaction out of you - why? Is the loss of whatever happened really so much of a setback that taking 5-10-30 minutes more time to react to it worthwhile? But I know that it’s not just that easy, but it can always help to have reminders.

Think that’s about all from me, but I feel you. As a very happy, bubbly, uplifting person I still understand and resonate with this. I hope what I had to say is able to help, but even if not I hope it helps knowing someone else understands exactly what you are talking about and that this is a sliding scale that people exist on.

yol ,

I allow myself to feel the rage. Every bit of it, for a count of three, then I have to stop. Because now it’s time to take action. And proper action requires a calm response. I used to try to breathe and relax but that usually just left me fuming for an hour. Instead I just get unfathomably angry for 2 seconds then move on. I don’t know how healthy it is but it works for me. Sort of the emotional equivalent of yelling out an expletive.

Saigonauticon ,

I don’t think I have the emotional range to “get angry” the way most people describe it (as some overcoming urge). It’s an alien concept to me. For me, anger is a quiet loosening of my moral obligation towards someone, a re-tallying of social contracts, something done consciously and with purpose.

If I should appear angry, but just “go with the flow” instead, it doesn’t mean I’m not angry – it means I no longer feel the need to be honest with you about my thoughts or feelings. I’ve found that by and large, people fail to notice the difference.

So if it is any consolation, at least some of us who appear easygoing are actually furious internally.

Sopje ,

Stress is obviously an enhancer of anger issues, but it can also be a character trait. I’d focus on learning to accept that you have those emotions instead of trying to suppress them.

DecentralizeTheWorld ,

It’s a slow process to change how you think. You need to recognize when you have negative thoughts or emotions and correct/remind yourself to have a different response. An example I have, a teen ran a stop sign and gave me the finger. Of course my feelings were anger and frustration. To have it stop bothering me I kind of have to Laugh it off. Try to laugh or chuckle at how they were possibly trying to show off to their passenger. Silly, stupid and dangerous, so laugh at that, like really they think that’s cool aha. It sounds silly but there are some opposite emotions that you can’t feel at the same time. Like anger and laughter, depression and gratitude. It’s slow to change how you think. Be patient and kind to yourself. Everytime you recognize negative thinking is a positive step.

I also have difficulty remembering things. Again it sounds silly but post it notes works for me. On the yard door “wipe paws”. On the coffee maker in the morning “take pills”. Bathroom mirror “brush teeth” rather than forgetting and getting upset at myself, I’m reminded before it’s a problem.

Just some of the things I’ve learned from therapy that have been helpful to me

Lophostemon ,

I started drinking lots of alcohol. It didn’t really help in the long run.

It’s like liquid therapy.

Then you lose your family and job.

It’s great!

Sentenial ,

Could try studying stochastic philosophy. I’ve always generally been calm but had an extra realization that getting upset at things doesn’t help the situation I’m in and is generally just a waste of energy. So why waste time feeling terrible when I can just accept whatever is going on and move on with my life.

lung ,
@lung@lemmy.world avatar

Buddhism, meditation, and generally knowing that everything is temporary. Gratitude / “counting your blessings” helps increase general happiness, as it’s easy to forget what’s going right

wantd2B1ofthestrokes ,

Meditation practice. Key word is practice. Watch thoughts and emotions come and go thousands of times.

AgnosticMammal ,

Last one is the biggest one for me. Everything else might follow once you master that.

hactar42 OP ,

I feel that. I have a good 6 figure job, my kids don’t want for any thing, but are not spoiled. I have a supportive and loving wife. So I always feel a little guilty for complaining. I know there are people way worse off than me. I know every problem I have is 100% first world problems. But I also know that doesn’t discount my stresses.

I really think the Buddhist are doing things right. Ive tried meditating but my ADHD makes it damn near impossible. Maybe I need to find someone who can help with it.

wantd2B1ofthestrokes ,

Can’t speak to ADHD in particular and don’t want to discount the difficulty it adds, but one of the biggest hills I always have to get over is not judging my own thoughts. It’s easy to get frustrated that you aren’t able to achieve a more still mindset but at the end of the day the thoughts of judgement are just thoughts that can be observed like any other.

NekoRogue ,

Have you ever tried Wim Hof breathing techniques? I also have ADHD and I have a really hard time with meditation but it works for me.

It also sounds like it could be possible that this is at least partially an issue with your body chemistry. There are so so many little things that can affect the brain, like maybe a medication or any other drugs you might take, a food you’re not fully aware that you’re a bit allergic to, inflammation, a malfunctioning brain chemistry such as an anxiety disorder, etc.

Here’s a link to the Wim Hof video if you’re interested. Just be aware that people get weirdly cultish about him, and I’m not sure I would follow everything he recommends, but this particular exercise helps my anxiety a lot.

youtu.be/tybOi4hjZFQ?si=yHTjE7QlNITNP6ff

fjordbasa ,

I have noticed my ability to take things in stride definitely goes down when I don’t feel well. I would check in with yourself physically- is there a non-obvious physical ailment that might be putting you on edge? Perhaps there’s pain or headaches that you don’t consciously consider that’s diminishing your ability to deal with stuff. Otherwise I would suggest what others have suggested- looking into whether you might have some level of anxiety disorder. This may mean medication and/or something like cognitive behavioral therapy

IHadTwoCows ,

When I was in AA I learned the maxim “I can be right or I can be well” and it neutralized about 80% of the people and things that pissed me off. Another 15% has been reduced to a nuisance that I say “fuck off!” to, and the remaining 5% are inanimate objects which I respond to rather violently.

leaky_shower_thought ,

hmmm…

I think it helps if you play a lot of “immersive” games. and practice disengaging from there.

For example, if you now don’t get mad and throw controllers breaking screens, you’re now half-way to the real task at hand!

474D ,

Imagine you’re being recorded and you have to watch it back later. Sometimes it’s easier to see ourselves from others perspective than our own. Patience is a skill, you have to use it to get good at it

jeena ,
@jeena@jemmy.jeena.net avatar

In the end nothing really matters, the universe will suffer a heat death and we’re just here for a extremely short ride.

Delphia ,

Im exactly like you only I’ve learned to recognise and stomp on the reaction.

I still get needlessly pissed about things, to an unreasonable degree. But then I recognise that my reaction is out of proportion to the problem and that wether I stomp on it or not, I’m still going to have the problem the only thing I have control over is if I’m stomping around like an asshole while I fix it.

You just have to take your Ego and set it aside when you catch yourself, you cant defend the reaction because its irrational. So recognise it, stomp on it and then work the problem like a normal person.

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