fishidwardrobe

lexx3000 , 8 months ago to actuallyautistic German

question to @actuallyautistic
depressed ones, is the narrative "what a useless dumb shit you are, freak that shouldn't have been born" ever go away? i recently discovered that apparently it's not a thing always in a background for other humans. it seems to be forgotten when i hyperfocus on some random bullshit that brings joy, but what about you?

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@lexx3000 @actuallyautistic I got angry about that long enough to mostly banish it. Getting angry can be good.

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago (edited 7 months ago)

@lexx3000 @actuallyautistic I think I'm going to distinguish between "anger" and "hatred" here.

I can get angry with someone, but not hate them.

Edit: actually I think I can get angry without the anger being for a specific person or thing.

obrerx , 8 months ago (edited 7 months ago) to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic
#actuallyautistic
#ActuallyADHD
#ActuallyAuDHD

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm feeling so sad these days. My brother died, my last original family member. My parents died when I was in my 20s. I feel a strange aloneness.

I look at my life... what have I accomplished? And why does that matter?

I have no friends offline. I'm so disillusioned.

Empty. I want to find peace. I've not felt consistently a feeling of peace ever in my life.

No one would ever guess how hard it has been.

I haven't even understood how hard it has been for me.

Always struggling for emotional regulation, but outwardly seeming calm and in control (usually). Inwardly I'm always struggling. Always. What a paradox.

I'm tired of trying to understand why my life has gone as it has... why I was so misunderstood by mt family, why it has been such a struggle.

I'm weary of it all. I want to rest.

Why does this song speak for me so much? I want to sail "into the west"... off to a distant shore. I want to find some comfort somewhere... just some peace.

Into the West - from Lord of the Rings

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head

The night is falling
You have come to journey's end

Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before

They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?

Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away

Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises

The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass

A light on the water
All Souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night

Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time

Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling

You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms

Just sleeping
And all will turn

To silver glass
A light on the water

Grey ships pass
Into the West

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoVaK2NXmJA

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@obrerx @actuallyautistic 🤍

samiam , 9 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic #ActuallyAutistic so many thanks to those who have made feel feel heard and welcome here in the past weeks. the story thus far: 41 years of "muddling thru" depression, anxiety, misc mysterious health problems, etc when one day a new friend (very rare!) shared with me that they are autistic, and respectfully asked me if i might be too.
this [re]kindled lots of thoughts and feels and sent me down a path of recognizing and uncovering some fairly autistic-seeming traits and behaviors that i had been ignoring or suppressing. i have lately been thinking of myself as "provisionally autistic" which is how i'm trying to walk this line between, one the one hand, not mentally framing Autism As One True The Explanation For Everything and stretching things to try to force them to fit; and, on the other hand, not giving in to Autistic Imposter Syndrome. i want "provisionally autistic" to be a comfortable in-between place where i can "let myself be as autistic as i am" without "trying to be autistic when i'm not" and just observe myself and see how it goes. if that makes any sense?

but (and this is a question mainly to all you late/recent adult [self/]dx folks out there, but of course also anyone else who wants to respond):
How do you KNOW?
i'm stuck in this place where lots of things seem relatable and plausible but there is no sense of AHA IT FITS. there's no THIS FINALLY EXPLAINS IT. i know it's early for me yet -- i've been taking this seriously for weeks not years -- and i probably have to be patient with myself . . . but ggghhhghg.
maybe i'm just venting? i don't know. i'm having a day.

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@Susan60 @sfwrtr @petrichor @itsmeholland @samiam @actuallyautistic I'm on the same journey. Slowly coming to the conclusion that for me, worrying about masking is a red herring. After 50 years you become the face on the mask, more or less. Just be the parts of you you like, and try not to be the parts of you you hate?

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@nddev @Susan60 @sfwrtr @petrichor @itsmeholland @samiam @actuallyautistic All absolutely true IMO. Before I knew I was autistic I likened it to a spy thing. If I want a job, I have to pretend to be someone else!!

AutisticAdam , 8 months ago (edited 7 months ago) to actuallyautistic

"You can’t be autistic - you can make eye contact!”

Being autistic doesn’t mean I can’t make eye contact, rather that eye contact can be painful and overstimulating for me. Yet, I make it because I have to. If I didn’t, many would be hurt/angry, and I’d face further ostracism. Thanks for your pointless comment anyway from someone that clearly doesn't know what you're talking about.

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic "Mate, I'm looking at your nose."

Autistic_Writer , 8 months ago to random

Part 148: De-Manacled.
In this week’s blog, a look at freedom for autistic people. You can read it here:
https://darrenscothern.com/2023/10/22/part-148-de-manacled/

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@infmin @CynAq @actuallyautistic Generally I think it means more rules! Or different ones?

Dr_Obvious , 8 months ago to actuallyautistic German

@actuallyautistic
I've read autists don't understand proverbs and take them to literally. I wonder if this is actually an accurate description.
Some days ago I read somebody here stating something like the one eyed under the blind would've been put in an asylum. Brilliant!
In germany we have the proverb, everybody is the smith of their own luck. I like to answer, but not everybody got an anvil.

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago (edited 7 months ago)

@Dr_Obvious @actuallyautistic I don't think we have any trouble with proverbs or metaphors, generally. But we are more likely to spot when they don't make sense.

There's an old English one "don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs". Meaning: don't tell me how to do something I already know about. But literally, it makes no sense! Perhaps deliberately; no-one seems to know.

AutisticAdam , 8 months ago to actuallyautistic

The autistic urge to believe you don’t take things literally, because it is said that autistic people take everything literally, and you only take some things literally - not everything - with one of the things you take literally being the word “everything” (in this context).

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic Take things literally? No, that's kleptomaniacs. ;)

CynAq , 8 months ago to actuallyautistic

I remember a weird polemic I got into at kindergarten. This is late eighties.

I was already reading at a... I don't know what level. I never understood what "reading levels" were anyway, I mean, if I can read, I can read, right?

Well... Turns out none of the other kids apparently were able to read, at least not openly, and reading was actively discouraged by the staff there. There was a storybook hour where everyone picked a story book with illustrations and PRETENDED to read.

I found out when the teacher lady noticed I was actually reading the thing and pulled it away from me, telling me I wasn't supposed to actually read the book with, you know, words printed on it. The justification was "if you read now and get good at it, you'll have a terrible time being bored in first grade when all the other kids are still trying to learn."

Lady, I don't think you understand how reading works. I can't UNLEARN how to read once I learned it.

This is still within my top five unfathomable school experiences.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@CynAq @actuallyautistic Dear gods. If the set reading books are too easy for you IT'S THEIR JOB TO FIND YOU HARDER BOOKS.

goaty , 8 months ago to random

one of my big problems in life is that i'm not good at motivating myself to do things. left to my own devices, doing things—even things i enjoy—is sporadic at best.

music, drawing, learning programming—all these things i'm interested in, but struggle to follow through on, & it's very frustrating. i need externally-imposed structure to get anything done.

i always struggled with homework, but my grades were great otherwise (honors, AP, etc). eventually i started doing my homework in school, cause i just wouldn't get it done at home.

& i don't really know what to do about this, which is doubly frustrating.

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@CynAq @goaty @ferrous @actuallyautistic I certainly recognise demand avoidance as a symptom in myself, but f*** that word "pathological"…

ScriptFanix , 8 months ago to actuallyautistic

Today, the addictologist told me it's usual for @actuallyautistic people to have some addiction or another. So please tell me, do you have one?

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@ScriptFanix @actuallyautistic Here in the UK actual medical professionals don't use the word "addiction" because the meaning is too vague. People tell you you're addicted to slot machines, or TV, or computer games … it's just not a medical term.

Does she mean chemically dependant, like with heroin or tobacco?

It sounds to me like someone whose job description is X-er would have a vested interest in telling you you had X whether you did or not.

servelan , 8 months ago to actuallyautistic

“Nobody realizes that some people make Herculean efforts just to be normal.” --** **Blanche Balain #actuallyautistic @actuallyautistic

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@servelan @actuallyautistic Quotes are slippery things – just this week I heard that attributed to Albert Camus. Good thing to say either way…

CynAq , 8 months ago (edited 7 months ago) to actuallyautistic

Edit: This was a fantastic thread, thanks for all the contributions :blobcatbirthday:

As of now, with first person comments from Roddenberry himself, my own position is the two characters were not intended as depictions of any then known neurotype but diverse characters for the sake of diversity and acceptance of the different.

It looks like almost all of us are in agreement that they are likeable characters and respectful in their execution.

The original post:

Wait wait… wait. Fuck! Wait…

Someone tell me Spock and Data aren’t attempts to be inclusive of autistic people in the arguably the most progressive franchise of its time, please.

They are, aren’t they?

#ActuallyAutistic
@actuallyautistic

fishidwardrobe , 8 months ago

@CynAq @actuallyautistic Well I think Data is just "let's have someone like Spock, he was popular" and Spock was "lets have a character who thinks rationally because that's geeky and weird" – which tells you a lot about Rodenberry…

Vincarsi , 9 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic @allautistics
I keep seeing people complaining about how Mastodon is full of "splainy reply guys" and I think there's a misperception of #Autistic #infodumping going on. I think there's more of us on here and we're more comfortable being ourselves. What will it take to get the allistics to understand that our contributions are offered in a mature "yes, and" spirit as opposed to the juvenile "well, actually" they seem to always read it as.
We're genuinely smart, not stuck up.

fishidwardrobe , 9 months ago

@foolishowl @homelessjun @Vincarsi @actuallyautistic @allautistics Yeah, I can totally see if someone was on the receiving end of toxic behaviour why an innocent response would be taken the wrong way.

But in that case the best thing for them is for me to block them (or them me) – for the same reason. We won't be able to talk. I'm just going to trigger her.