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goaty ,
@goaty@meow.social avatar

one of my big problems in life is that i'm not good at motivating myself to do things. left to my own devices, doing things—even things i enjoy—is sporadic at best.

music, drawing, learning programming—all these things i'm interested in, but struggle to follow through on, & it's very frustrating. i need externally-imposed structure to get anything done.

i always struggled with homework, but my grades were great otherwise (honors, AP, etc). eventually i started doing my homework in school, cause i just wouldn't get it done at home.

& i don't really know what to do about this, which is doubly frustrating.

goaty OP ,
@goaty@meow.social avatar

part of this is ADHD, which becomes less of a problem while medicated (which i finally am again, thank goodness), but even then, like… i'm better able to focus on a task i'm already doing, but starting a task is very difficult.

i'm doing great at my job because i'm obligated to do it within a fixed time frame on a regular schedule, and there will be punitive consequences if i don't; it's an externally-imposed, highly structured situation. this isn't the case for anything i want to do, though, so i struggle. hell, i struggle to start playing games i want to play.

goaty OP ,
@goaty@meow.social avatar

if anyone else can relate to this and has advice for how to navigate it and start doing the things i wanna do, i'd greatly appreciate it!

i've tried searching online, but i get a lot of resources for parents, teachers, etc (and of course that one eugenicist organization makes multiple appearances in the results :ms_rolling_eyes:​). i want things i can do for myself to help with this. i'm not a child, i'm just autistic.

CynAq ,
@CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

@goaty

This sounds a lot like the PDA profile of autism, which incidentally is what my autism is like.

By its pathologizing, NT-centric name, Pathological Demand Avoidance, and by the adopted and refined name which uses the same initials Persistent Drive for Autonomy.

Check out this thread from yesterday: https://mstdn.social/@neversosimple/111232812724285156

It's a series of two videos from the YT channel called Autistamatic talking about this exact situation you are trying to express.

I suffered from the negative effects of PDA my entire life. like you, I struggle with engaging in activities that I genuinely want to engage in.

This also agrees really well with the model of Monotropism, about which you can read here: https://monotropism.org/explanations/

@ferrous is the person to talk about monotropism here. Some might say he has a rather personal relationship with it :)

I'd like to talk about this a lot more, and I will do so when I have more spoons. In the mean time, I'm trying to document my own struggles and possible mitigation strategies in preparation for when I find it in me to write about them.

@actuallyautistic

fishidwardrobe ,
@fishidwardrobe@social.tchncs.de avatar

@CynAq @goaty @ferrous @actuallyautistic I certainly recognise demand avoidance as a symptom in myself, but f*** that word "pathological"…

CynAq ,
@CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

@fishidwardrobe @goaty @ferrous @actuallyautistic

I like the other name a lot better and not only because it is a more positive and likable name. I think it explains the phenomenon better.

I really do have a persistent and unbreakable drive for autonomy.

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