KatLS

JeremyMallin , 2 months ago to actuallyautistic

Does anyone ever consider learning sign language not because they can't speak, but just because sometimes they don't want to? Or don't feel up to it?
#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

KatLS , 2 months ago

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic yes

pathfinder , 3 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

I once wrote about how it was not unrealistic, to think that there was no such thing as an un-traumatised autistic. About how so many of us have known bullying and persecution simply for being different. Not even always for what we may have said or done, but often for simply standing out; in all the ways that we didn't even know we were. How just simply being, was so often an excuse to be attacked or punished. That our very existence, even as hard as we tried to mask, whether we knew that was what we were doing or not, was the cause of so much pain.

All the scars we carry from misreading situations. Or from believing in something, or someone, and being burnt as a consequence. All the times we've tried to stand up for ourselves, or as often as not for others, and been dismissed and ridiculed. All the misjudgements and disbelieve and times when our intent and purpose have been seen in the ways that were never, ever, meant. The sheer inability for others to see us as we are, or to judge us accordingly. But, always to seem to want to see the worst and to base everything else on that.

But the more I learn and understand about being autistic. The more I realise that so much of my trauma and the scars that were left, came not just from this overt pain, but from the covert well-meaning of others as well. From my parents and relatives, from friends and teachers. From all the advice and instruction I have received over the years that was meant to shape me in the right way. As a child, to teach me how to grow up, how to behave and act. What was expected and what wasn't. And then, as an adult, how I was supposed to be and how a successful life, with me in it, was supposed to look. All the rules I was supposed to learn, all the codes I was supposed to follow. How to act, how to speak, what to feel, when to feel it. What I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to be.

Not in any unusual way. Not in any way that you weren't supposed to raise a child, well a normal child anyway. That's what makes this so covert. If you were trying to do this to a child knowing that they were autistic, then it's overt abuse. It is ABA, it is infantilising and punishing a child for always failing to become something, that they had no more chance of becoming than a cat has of becoming a dog. But for those of us who didn't know we were autistic. It was simply the constant hammering of the world trying, without even realising it, to fit a round peg into a square hole and all the pain and disappointment that came from their failure to come even close.

For me, what made this worse, was that it wasn't as if I didn't know that I was different, not in my heart, but that I thought that I shouldn't be. That I should be able to learn what I was being taught, that I should be able to follow the guidance. That I wasn't any different really from anyone else and so if I failed to act in the right way, or react the way I should, for that matter, then it was my fault. All the patient sighs and familiar looks, simply became just another reinforcement of my failure. Even being told off for the simplest things, became a reminder that something that I should have been able to do, was beyond me and always for the only reason that ever made any sense; that I was broken, that it was my fault somehow.

Is it any wonder that so much of my life has been about trying to justify myself in the light of this, of trying to become that "good dog". Of judging myself against an impossible standard. A constant lurching from one bad to choice to another, and always because I thought they were the right ones. And for each new failure and inability to even come close, another scar, another reminder of what I wasn't. Further proof that my self-esteem was right to be so low. Of how I was such a failure and a bad person. That I was never going to be a proper son or brother or friend. Because I couldn't even be what I was supposed to be, let alone what I should become.

Looking back, I can't help thinking about how much of my life I spent living this way; of trying not to repeat the sins of my past. Of not repeating the actions or behaviour that led to those past failures and trauma. Of, in fact, all the effort I put in to not being myself. Because that, I realise now, was what I was trying to do. I was that round peg and trying to hammer myself into the square hole. Because everything I had learnt had taught me to think that this was how I had to be. That this was how you grew. And in so many ways, I can't help feeling angry about this. About the wasted years, about the scars I carry that were never my fault. About the way I was brought up, even though none of it was ever meant, but only ever well-meant.

#Autism
#Actuallyautistic

KatLS , 3 months ago

@pathfinder @homelessjun @actuallyautistic 🥺😞😔I hope those days are behind you.

GhostOnTheHalfShell , 3 months ago to random

Cory, as always on a tear

“ You ask Amazon, "What's your cheapest batteries?" and it lies to you. If you click the first link in a search-results page, you'll pay 29% more than you would if you got the best product – a product that is, on average, 17 places down on the results page.”

Capitalism is premised on markets with price transparency, at least by the marquee claims made in econ101.

🧵

https://pluralistic.net/2024/03/26/glitchbread/#electronic-shelf-tags

#WhatCapitalism

KatLS , 3 months ago

@GhostOnTheHalfShell Econ 101 is an introduction to a cult- not based on anything more than wishful thinking and grab for power. It’s hard to learn that it’s not based on facts. Tis bad fiction.

KatLS , 3 months ago

@GhostOnTheHalfShell it’s a cult. There’s brainwashing involved.

KatLS , 3 months ago

@GhostOnTheHalfShell @academicchatter one of the cult rules: the leaders and the faith must not be questioned. Heretics will be punished, banished, ridiculed and are going to hell(whatever version of that is in play).

KatLS , 3 months ago

@GhostOnTheHalfShell @thehomespundays @academicchatter ahh the privatization of the commons… we have come full circle. Flat earthers be damned.
Admittedly, 300 years ago, heretics were burned at the stake. So progress?

autism101 , 3 months ago to actuallyautistic

Were you always more sensitive to sounds than others growing up?

#AskingAutistics #ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

KatLS , 3 months ago

@crazy_pony @autism101 @actuallyautistic nope. However, the sonic weapons toddlers unleash on playgrounds are deeply jarring.

fulanigirl , 5 months ago to blackmastodon

#politics #trump #fascism #BlackMastodon #BlackTwitter @blackmastodon
Can you participate in a thought experiment with me? The posts warning about fascism are good, but I'm wondering what you think fascism actually looks like. Give a thought, and list what it looks like. Don't just say "the end of democracy." List what the concrete changes will be and make it local. "In my town/city/county/state the following will happen......" Think about it before replying. Not just for #BlackMastodon .

KatLS , 5 months ago

@Pibble @fulanigirl @blackmastodon serious allyship

18+ KitMuse , 6 months ago to actuallyautistic

Something I've love to dive deeper into is how many AFAB or genderqueer individuals have been dx'd with Borderline Personality Disorder rather than Autism due to their past trauma?

Yes, I know they overlap. I've done the research including getting out my "Abnormal Psych" textbook.

But I also have some personal theories and I'm curious to hear from other self dx'd autistics misdiagnosed by mental healthcare. TY

@actuallyautistic #ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent

18+ KatLS , 6 months ago

@arisummerland @KitMuse @actuallyautistic ❤️🤗

haui , 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

Being @actuallyautistic and #gifted for me means I often get told the following, initially:

„No! You‘re wrong! What a shit take! You have no idea what you‘re talking about! Stop the drugs, man!“ and the like.

After some discussion, people say:

„I have not thought of it this way. I got you wrong. We should actually consider doing it your way. You seem to have deeper insight than the average person.“

This often makes me question my place in this world. Anyone else? #actuallyautistic

KatLS , 7 months ago

@roknrol @haui @actuallyautistic being correct ahead of one’s time is a heavy burden.😑

KatLS , 7 months ago

@roknrol @haui @actuallyautistic the thing to be careful about is relationship. Often we can be right (or more accurately acknowledged as correct) or we can be in relationship with our fellow humans. We often cannot be both at the same time. Some relationships are worth more than rightness. Some aren’t.

KatLS , 7 months ago

@roknrol @haui @actuallyautistic yes and this is why I’m no longer in Oklahoma.

poloniousmonk , 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Does anyone else drink a lot? Not booze, just fluids. For someone who barely feels hunger or discomfort, I'm always drinking and pissing. I've always assumed it was something medical and undiagnosed, but maybe it's an autist thing. Thoughts?

18+ KatLS , 7 months ago

@holyramenempire @poloniousmonk @actuallyautistic

a friend had a #tumor near the #pituitary gland- caused tons of hormone trouble- they did hysterectomy a decade before finding the tumor in attempt to address😖😑-it was damage to vision that got the tumor found- hearing is also impacted- tumor was removed; three years of healing and challenges are still very real. She’s doing great.😊 #american #healthcare

obrerx , 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

#actuallyautistic
@actuallyautistic

Whew... while I was quietly sitting in my apartment: loud, pounding footsteps coming up outside stairs, then a sudden and loud attempt to come in my front door, no knocking, but the door was fortunately locked. I look out my kitchen window and see two men.

I'm so shocked by this I go into a reaction mode (I'm that way lately, very shut down and withdrawn) and I loudly ask them why they tried to come in without knocking, and this becomes, initially, an argument.

Turns out someone had died. They were entering to find the body, but entered wrong apt. I explained to them, regardless of situation, always knock.

Anyway... taking deep breaths. Another day of being very environmentally sensitive in an aggressive insensitive world.

They ended up apologizing, and I apologized as well (even though I was right, but that's me trying to bridge across to their world), and the left.

And of course I sit here feeling I once again overreacted and "should have been more calm".

Self-gaslighting is awful.

KatLS , 7 months ago

@obrerx @actuallyautistic 🥺a hug is in order

theautisticcoach , 7 months ago to actuallyautistic

The vast majority (but NOT all) #ActuallyAutistic humans live with alexithymia, making it difficult for us to either engage or express (sometimes both) with our emotional state.

When combined with interoception issues (in our bodies) we lose access to just about all feelings besides those that we intellectualize.

Getting in touch with both our emotions and our physical embodied sensations is essential for living fully.

@actuallyautistic

KatLS , 7 months ago

@hakirsch @CynAq @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic you sound like my friend who’s an empath. Can you read people when they are wearing masks? N-95 masks?