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How the fuck do you meet new people?

I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.

Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.

nehal3m ,

So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.

Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.

throwaways_are_for_cowards OP ,

I appreciate this, thank you, and it’s not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it’s bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.

I’ve never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That’s on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She’s been friends with most of them since they were children, I’ve known them for the last 20 years or so. It’s complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they’d take me in, but they’ve notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she’ll be there.

MissJinx ,
@MissJinx@lemmy.world avatar

Me too! I live across the world but I feel this is more and more of a problem in a world that people only want to stay online.

I thought about creating some game group for 40yos in some simple game that allow everyone to chat… but I didn’t knew anyone to begin it🤣

MeatsOfRage , (edited )

Basically you have to bond over a game, be it physical, like sports or board like regular board games or as many people mentioned here D&D. For sports, regardless of your skill level, there’s a group. Beer leagues and such. Solo sports like mountain biking can work too but you have to be super consistent and really get into the sport where you have common ground.

If physical stuff is out of the question, then you have your board games. Even small towns have meetups.

The important thing is actually doing these. Friends don’t just come to you and you have to be consistent. Most people don’t just become friends in one or two sessions, it takes time and rapport building. And you can’t always wait for others to initiate the friends part. You might have to be the one that goes “hey wanna grab some wings after this.”

Mango ,

I’ve learned about myself that I cannot engage with people personally. It’s never me and them. It’s gotta be us and the things we’re doing. Usually a game.

almar_quigley ,

Organized hobbies have been the key for me. Gives me a place to go, forces me to be minimally social, but can allow for multiple events so the pressure is reduced to make the most of every outing. Plus you have something else you’re enjoying. Everyone’s recommendations of sports or gaming falls right in line with this. But I have other hobbies I love like woodworking that I can find places to take classes and meet people. The other benefit is the more you do it the more you get used to be out among people again and it can be less awkward/anxiety inducing.

bannanaente ,

I’ve met folks at the grocery store and the zoo, but I would probably say join a meet up group. I’m just a duck though.

Delphia ,

Gym, especially things with group classes are great because even if the meeting other people part doesnt work you still get something out of it.

crawancon ,

That’s the neat part.

some_guy ,

Most of the friends I’ve made after age 22 were people I worked with or people I met through dating apps. We’d go out and decide we didn’t want to date, but we liked each other enough to form friendships. The friend who I’m hanging out with next week is a former coworker. The one I’m slated to hang with after that is also a former coworker. But only two of the jobs yielded good friendships. Other places that I worked I might go to lunch with certain people, but nothing lasting came of it because I had a long commute to work and they lived in that area.

Others already suggested meetup and I know a friend had success with that. Or join hiking groups or amateur sport groups maybe like disk golf? Good luck!

FlashMobOfOne ,
@FlashMobOfOne@lemmy.world avatar

If you’re willing to DM a D&D group, you can probably find people who want to play.

throwaways_are_for_cowards OP ,

That’s not a bad idea, but how do you actually meet these people and offer to run a game?

xmunk ,

The best option is to find an rpg/board game store near you and just post an ad on their cork board - the internet can also work but you’ll usually end up needing to vet players much more.

FlashMobOfOne ,
@FlashMobOfOne@lemmy.world avatar

This is exactly right.

There’s always a chronic imbalance of people willing to DM vs people wanting to play. I think that’d be a great way for you to meet new people.

Coldcell ,

There’s a few (paid) sites to find games, but read the rules make up a story and roll dice in discord

greedytacothief ,

I’ve had a lot of luck joining a run club, but there are other activity based clubs. The trick to these though is that you need to keep going to them for a while before you really start becoming friends with people.

What’s really worked for me was working as a snowboard instructor on the weekend. I’m not saying do that specifically, but finding a second job based around teaching is an amazing way to meet other people who like meeting new people and being nice and sharing their skills and experiences. I should specify, the people I meet are other instructors. I’ve also met some people at events, like when I got my avalanche rec 1 cert.

missingno ,
@missingno@fedia.io avatar

Finding local groups dedicated to a hobby is great. I play a lot of Riichi Mahjong online, but it took me an embarassingly long time to realize "Hey I should see if there's a local club around here to play offline." There is, and now I have an excuse to leave the house for weekly meetups, and I've met some great friends here.

I also play fighting games, but I've mostly played more niche titles that never had an active local scene where I live, so I was limited to occasionally traveling out to play 1-2 tournaments a year. This year I finally picked up a game that is active around here, so I'm finally going to FGC locals again.

teft ,
@teft@lemmy.world avatar

Pick up an outdoor sport as a hobby and you’ll run into cool people. I like mountain biking because I’ve met a bunch of cool people that way.

UnRelatedBurner ,

I just had a conversation about this, among other things. The thing is: we have no idea. Also I don’t think Reddit-for-nerds (Lemmy) is that great of a place to ask this.

If you do get an answer, act upon it, and it works, please remember me and tell me.

Twitches ,

👋 second, please let me know. I’ve never been great with this.

passepartout ,
@passepartout@feddit.org avatar

Some years ago reddit was the reddit for nerds. The demographic probably has shifted more towards normies by now.

nafzib ,

Aside from some of the other things people have already mentioned, going to or volunteering for various festivals and conventions can be a great way to meet random people and get out of the house. If you’re volunteering you’re more likely to end up meeting more local-ish people (like from whatever nearest Metro area the event is occurring in since you said you’re super rural).

Even if you don’t meet any cool new friends you want to stay in touch with, they can be a ton of fun and are a great reason to get out of the house. I’ve ended up having some really amazing experiences that I absolutely never thought possible just because I got out and went to Conventions (mostly anime or game conventions for me, but there are all kinds).

Boozilla ,
@Boozilla@lemmy.world avatar

Nextdoor.com is mostly a shitshow. But I’ve had good luck asking the locals for recommendations on local businesses and community activities and events.

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