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How the fuck do you meet new people?

I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.

Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.

nehal3m ,

So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.

Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.

throwaways_are_for_cowards OP ,

I appreciate this, thank you, and it’s not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it’s bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.

I’ve never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That’s on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She’s been friends with most of them since they were children, I’ve known them for the last 20 years or so. It’s complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they’d take me in, but they’ve notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she’ll be there.

Delphia ,

Gym, especially things with group classes are great because even if the meeting other people part doesnt work you still get something out of it.

crawancon ,

That’s the neat part.

some_guy ,

Most of the friends I’ve made after age 22 were people I worked with or people I met through dating apps. We’d go out and decide we didn’t want to date, but we liked each other enough to form friendships. The friend who I’m hanging out with next week is a former coworker. The one I’m slated to hang with after that is also a former coworker. But only two of the jobs yielded good friendships. Other places that I worked I might go to lunch with certain people, but nothing lasting came of it because I had a long commute to work and they lived in that area.

Others already suggested meetup and I know a friend had success with that. Or join hiking groups or amateur sport groups maybe like disk golf? Good luck!

Chickenstalker ,

First, you start a cult…

throwaways_are_for_cowards OP ,

If I had the charisma and the sociopathy to start a cult, I wouldn’t have this issue, lol.

greedytacothief ,

I’ve had a lot of luck joining a run club, but there are other activity based clubs. The trick to these though is that you need to keep going to them for a while before you really start becoming friends with people.

What’s really worked for me was working as a snowboard instructor on the weekend. I’m not saying do that specifically, but finding a second job based around teaching is an amazing way to meet other people who like meeting new people and being nice and sharing their skills and experiences. I should specify, the people I meet are other instructors. I’ve also met some people at events, like when I got my avalanche rec 1 cert.

missingno ,
@missingno@fedia.io avatar

Finding local groups dedicated to a hobby is great. I play a lot of Riichi Mahjong online, but it took me an embarassingly long time to realize "Hey I should see if there's a local club around here to play offline." There is, and now I have an excuse to leave the house for weekly meetups, and I've met some great friends here.

I also play fighting games, but I've mostly played more niche titles that never had an active local scene where I live, so I was limited to occasionally traveling out to play 1-2 tournaments a year. This year I finally picked up a game that is active around here, so I'm finally going to FGC locals again.

teft ,
@teft@lemmy.world avatar

Pick up an outdoor sport as a hobby and you’ll run into cool people. I like mountain biking because I’ve met a bunch of cool people that way.

nafzib ,

Aside from some of the other things people have already mentioned, going to or volunteering for various festivals and conventions can be a great way to meet random people and get out of the house. If you’re volunteering you’re more likely to end up meeting more local-ish people (like from whatever nearest Metro area the event is occurring in since you said you’re super rural).

Even if you don’t meet any cool new friends you want to stay in touch with, they can be a ton of fun and are a great reason to get out of the house. I’ve ended up having some really amazing experiences that I absolutely never thought possible just because I got out and went to Conventions (mostly anime or game conventions for me, but there are all kinds).

Boozilla ,
@Boozilla@lemmy.world avatar

Nextdoor.com is mostly a shitshow. But I’ve had good luck asking the locals for recommendations on local businesses and community activities and events.

Dymonika , (edited )

Real ways I made friends as a transplant in a new place:

  • Non-staff people related to my workplace
  • Nearby events that people related to my workplace knew about
  • Meetup.com
  • Church events (depending on the activity or group, they're happy to have you even if you don't believe what they believe or literally never went to their church a single time—in my case, because I can't due to being a weekend worker)—ironically, I met and befriended a nonbeliever who was also a guest at such an event, so never say "never"
  • Friends of friends (new friends who they become with, and then introduce me to)
  • Reddit and other communities (finally had a redditor over at my place from states away recently for the first time, which was interesting and fun)

I would probably add Facebook events and maybe a calendar of local events, such as activities at nearby libraries.

I wonder if you're able to scrounge up enough savings to move to a less-desolate area. Do you WFH?

I relate very much to your disconnectedness. It took me some time to realize that I was known to her circles as my "ex-wife's husband," not really as an independent being, so when we split, they stopped talking to me (well, us both, because she cheated and was adamantly unapologetic about it).

If you wanna try out titles on Board Game Arena, I have a premium-subscription friend in another state who would be happy to have you join us for games online from time to time!

As for IRL cost-saving events, I have friends over, or go to them, for a home-cooked dinner/potluck and a movie. There are streaming-service free trials and DVD/online movie services from libraries (such as Hoopla Digital and Kanopy) which should be able to help you avoid paying a cent. Hiking and board games are also cheap or free.

ogmios ,
@ogmios@sh.itjust.works avatar

Join a “fun league” sports team, take a community arts course, go to church, work for a volunteer organization, just to name a few ideas.

Lost_My_Mind ,

Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.

That’s it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is “Oh, hey! I like your jacket!” Or “Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!” (as said as I’m carrying a 24 pack).

Or “Whats goin’ on my brotha from anotha motha???”

I’m not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it’s my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.

Except I don’t really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I’m sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.

JimmyBigSausage ,

Sounds nice actually. Everyone here stays inside because it is hot right now.

Lost_My_Mind ,

Currently 72F. Scattered clouds, but it’s not going to rain today.

gandalf_der_12te ,
@gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

short question - do you mean Cleveland, OH, or Cleveland, TN, or Cleveland, TX, or Cleveland, GA?

PopcornPrincess ,

Yes.

VulKendov ,
@VulKendov@reddthat.com avatar

Cleveland is actually located in a pocket dimension. Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and Georgia (US) have portals into the Cleveland dimension.

Fun fact: Cleveland is named so because a wizard cleaved a rift in space-time and built a city inside the cleave.

Habahnow ,

Social events like bars and raves are an option. You’ll find people who just want to get shit faced, but also social people. Volunteer work has a lot of people you can interact with and eventually become friends with. Game places are another option as mentioned. Video games as well. If you have a dog, parks are a way to start conversations and meet people.

Infynis ,
@Infynis@midwest.social avatar

I used to live in a place like where you do now. There’s a chance you’ll run into someone cool, but it’s very low. I had to move to the city to form an actual friend group

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