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What does the fear of being judged by others hold you back from doing that you would otherwise do?

To be fair I still do these things but only when I’m alone.

Personally I love finding big puddles and then dig drains with a stick or my heel and watch the water flow.

Also love to throw a piece of wood into water and then toss stones high up in the air and try hit it imagining it’s a warship I’m trying to bomb.

Then also without going into details there are some pieces of clothing I would like to wear but don’t because they’re considered femine or gay.

intensely_human ,

Breaking my very long period of unplanned celibacy.

I think I could get laid, but I’m worried I wouldn’t perform well in bed and that I’d be shamed for it.

1847953620 ,

Hookers and blow

cubedsteaks ,

I think I could get laid, but I’m worried I wouldn’t perform well in bed and that I’d be shamed for it.

You’d be surprised how many people are totally willing to work with you on something like that.

intensely_human ,

Not at my age.

cubedsteaks ,

are you really old or really young? Either way, I know I was always willing to work with whoever I was seeing even if they couldn’t perform like they want to.

intensely_human ,

That’s good of you. My ex wouldn’t acknowledge the existence of any problems at all. Like, our sex sucked, and she said it was great, then went and cheated.

If she’d done what you do — acknowledge and help tackle the problem — it could have been awesome. But she just refused to acknowledge anything was wrong.

Your approach says “You’re not there but you can get there”.

Her approach said “You’re hopeless”.

Before that relationship my confidence was fine and I was fine too. It really did a number on my head to have her lie to me about something so important.

cubedsteaks ,

That’s good of you. My ex wouldn’t acknowledge the existence of any problems at all. Like, our sex sucked, and she said it was great, then went and cheated.

That’s terrible and I know what you mean. I have had two different guys cheat on me cause they never really liked me to begin with.

And yeah, its so hard to trust anyone now because so many people come off as liars. Especially after being lied to about something so personal.

intensely_human ,

One little bit at a time. Godspeed in healing your trust!

cubedsteaks ,

thanks!

SharkEatingBreakfast , (edited )
@SharkEatingBreakfast@sh.itjust.works avatar

Because when I do what I want, I get called a “retard” or asked “what the fuck are you doing?” by the people around me. I make a point to try to do things quietly (stopping to observe a cool bug, making chalk drawings on the sidewalk, saying “wheee!” on the swings, etc.), but it really doesn’t matter.

I’ve caught glimpses of people filming me before, so I now only do what I want in privacy.

Also doesn’t help that I’ve been accused of “doing it for attention.” Nah, my dude, pretty sure I’m just fckin’ autistic.

I only want people to leave me alone now. I don’t like having to justify my actions when I’m just trying to enjoy myself.

khannie ,
@khannie@lemmy.world avatar

People who love you should be happy that something’s bringing you joy.

I would gently suggest surrounding yourself with kinder people. You should be able to stop and look at an insect in fascination or swing on a swing without being abused.

You’ll find those people :)

SharkEatingBreakfast ,
@SharkEatingBreakfast@sh.itjust.works avatar

Thank you. Maybe one day.

cubedsteaks ,

I mean, they mentioned people filming them. I don’t know if they can surround themselves with kinder people to avoid that situation. That sounds like a general public issue if people are just filming someone like that.

Think of those shitty videos you see people upload. Like that lady on the airplane who was having a fucking mental breakdown. And people were just filming it for their own amusement.

hate to say it but people in general really do suck.

CloverSi ,

I hate this so much. People should be free to act like they want (as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone), because why the hell not? What’s so objectively better about acting in the ‘normal’ way? But everything outside the very narrow idea of normal is treated like a problem by default.

I have some tics that come out when I’m alone that I’ve filtered out around others as long as I can remember, and honestly I think that’s part of why I feel so claustrophobic in social situations. I don’t even know how to act like ‘myself’ in public if I want to.

Seeing people being themselves regardless of how it looks to the current typical sensibilities is the only thing that lets me feel like I might be able to do the same. So fwiw, every little bit of rule breaking you have done or will do makes the world a little better for me, and anyone else who doesn’t feel welcome. Thanks.

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

The difference between weird reactions and no reaction when observing cool bugs is holding a camera

Monster96 ,

Basically everything. Telling a joke that I love. Showing excitement for something I love. Doing my silly voices; especially my batman and girl voice. Taking my shirt off. And so much more. Damn social anxiety and confidence issues.

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Having a friend that randomly speaks like batman (or a girl too, but batman) sounds like a lot of fun!

Monster96 ,

The batman voice makes me break out in a coughing fit but I guess so haha

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Being able to do both a batman and a girl voice is pretty damn cool. Silly voices in general are my jam, I love doing Stitch impressions

Monster96 ,

I used to be able to do a perfect Stitch impression before my voice dropped. Now I just sound like Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy haha

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Somehow, I was only able to do it after my voice dropped. No idea how that works

Monster96 ,

I envy you

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

I envy you, for the girl voice

Monster96 ,

Ha, it just takes practice. You’ll get it

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

I shouldn’t complain since I never really tried. So yeah, practice, I guess. Apparently, you need to keep your larynx up high?

Monster96 ,

The best way I can describe it is by using the back of your tongue to compress the beck of your throat. Kind of like just before you cough. Holding it in that position is how I do the girl voice

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Okay, now I just need everyone at home to leave, so I can try it in peace

Monster96 ,

Do it while driving by yourself. That’s the best time to practice

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Good point. Being alone in the car doesn’t happen very often though.

Ah, what the hell, doesn’t matter. If I do a Stitch voice and a turkey impression in front of everyone, I should be able to do that too.

Monster96 ,

It’s just takes practice, you’ll get there. I’m sure of it

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

I hope so

thelsim ,
@thelsim@sh.itjust.works avatar

Silly voices are the best, they’ll always enjoyed by your (future) kids/nieces/nephews/etc.
Keep practicing your craft, you’ll find an appreciative audience sooner or later :)

jivemasta ,

Wear a fanny pack/carry a non-backpack bag as a man.

It’s so convenient to have a bag full of stuff on you. Like I’m out and have a headache, boom Aspirin. At dinner and got some food in your teeth, bam flosser. It’s very satisfying when a situation comes up and you have the exact thing to solve a problem right there in your bag. But a backpack is too big and bulky and anything smaller becomes a purse and this looks down upon for a man to carry.

I only get the courage to wear it when on a trip where I can overly justify it. Like hiking, or a theme park or convention. I feel like if it was an everyday thing I’d have to explain it or hear about it more than I’d want to.

sounddrill ,

If you can pull it off, even a dress can be manly

SkepticElliptic ,

I honestly never realized how much of af my stepdad did not give until much later. As a diabetic he would wear a fanny pack with his insulin, needless, and extra sugar drop candy in case his sugars dropped. This was before pumps were a thing. He would also wear bike shorts, slip on shoes with socks, a regular white t-shirt and a flannel as an outfit with the fanny pack. Oh and also transition lenses. The thing about the bike shorts is that his legs look like an eldritch horror because diabetics don’t heal very quickly when they get a scrape or cut. He also kind of looks like Dale from King of the hill.

chrizzowski ,

I’m sure the picture I’m creating in my head is way more majestic than the reality was, but It’s beautiful. Sounds like after the fanny pack and socks he just said fuck it and leaned into it hard.

enthusiasticamoeba ,

I see more and more men wearing fanny-pack-like crossbody bags where I am (Holland). Hopefully it will start catching on in your area!

cubedsteaks ,

I’m in Portland, OR and I see them a ton!

snowfalldreamland ,

Get a cross body sling, One of those travel digital nomad things. The brand ones aren’t cheap but it’s like somewhat fashionable. Maybe that could work?

miss_brainfart , (edited )
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Pretty much that last paragraph of yours.

I don’t care if people see me as childish, weird, or even dumb. I do lots of things that make me seem all of those things.

But that makes me hesitate for some reason.

I did open up about it to some friends I was sure wouldn’t judge, and it helped a lot.

OnopordumAcanthium ,
@OnopordumAcanthium@lemmy.ml avatar

May i ask what kind of clothes you mean?

miss_brainfart , (edited )
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Skirts, dresses, thigh highs, crop tops, and just generally the womens section of the clothing store. So many items there that are a lot more interesting than what the mens section has to offer.

OnopordumAcanthium ,
@OnopordumAcanthium@lemmy.ml avatar

Never thought of that before, but you’re right. Way bigger variety of stuff

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Right? Women have like twenty different types of tops in all the shapes and cuts imaginable

floppy ,
@floppy@rabbitea.rs avatar

And colours! So many colours.

The material’s always nicer too.

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Seriously, if I wear one more sandpaper hoodie, I’m gonna cry

all-knight-party ,
@all-knight-party@kbin.cafe avatar

That reminds me of men's haircuts. If you're sticking to traditional short hair you basically just walk in and go... Okay, how much longer do I want the top than the sides and do I want a fade or a hard line? And that's pretty much it.

Going for longer hair as a guy just gives you so many more options.

miss_brainfart , (edited )
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

I’m so annoyed by hair… I want to let mine grow so bad, but pollen/dustmite allergies and long hair is an awful combination

all-knight-party ,
@all-knight-party@kbin.cafe avatar

It's definitely got a lot of caveats. For me, it is annoying to need to put my hair up every time I eat, otherwise I eat my hair. But I love the way it feels moving around and if you have any social anxiety it conceals your face when you look down, which can be helpful as an instant hideaway.

But yes, it is definitely many times less manageable than short hair. However... I don't have bedhead ever!

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Feeling my hair in the wind was definitely the best thing about my short-lived long hair adventure, gotta say

cubedsteaks ,

just be sure not to pull your hair up too tight and you’re good

cubedsteaks ,

I really love that some guys look at women’s clothing and think “oh that’s more interesting”

I totally agree. My wardrobe is gigantic cause there are so many things you can do.

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

More men should just wear whatever, tshirt and jeans is really getting boring, isn’t it.

cubedsteaks ,

Yes! I use to be a shirt and jeans person. Then one day I realized jeans made of denim aren’t all that comfy. And I could dress up more! And that actually there’s all kinds of stuff out there I can look good in.

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

I just need some of that confidence of yours, though. Maybe I’ll do a full dress-up on halloween first, so people don’t ask too much, because my god, do I not have the nerve for questions.

cubedsteaks ,

Halloween is the best time to try out dressing up!

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

Will definitely need someone to help with makeup, because if I do it, I’ll go all out.

On that note, my inner excitement when thinking about going full femme speaks volumes

cubedsteaks ,

I didn’t really learn make up until late in life, like my late 20’s. But I only learned after watching several youtube videos and instagram too. I’d totally recommend just watching people put on make up and imitating what they do. It really is just painting your face by tracing the outlines of your bone structure.

I’m always excited to be hyper femme lol

miss_brainfart ,
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

I just want to thank you real quick for being so encouraging, it really means a lot to me.

Talking about it like it’s the most normal thing in the world is still something I have trouble with, there’s probably lots of internalized stereotypes going around that head of mine.

So thank you, really. It helps a lot.

cubedsteaks ,

No problem! I guess I have kind of ulterior motive though. I just like when guys are more interested in being femme in general. So of course I want to encourage it to be more normal.

miss_brainfart , (edited )
@miss_brainfart@lemmy.ml avatar

You should. No reason to call it an ulteriour motive when people have expressed the interest themselves already

Sometimes they just need a little nudge. Or a big one. Either way, keep doing what you do, you’re awesome

cubedsteaks ,

Thanks and I will!

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

I don’t pick my nose or fart in public. I don’t lick a plate or use the finger to scoop what’s on it if I’m in company. I also don’t phase out and daydream half as much in public, an exception would be on public transport as everyone is kind of gazing at nothing so it’s not obvious I’m in another dimension entirely.

As for other things, no, I don’t have that kind of filter. I will occasionally stop and stare at that interesting pattern on a tile or leaf, follow closely with attention what the birds are doing, sniff if I sense an animal and see if I can find its trail (possums and rats usually) etc. I still build sandcastles at the beach and if the opportunity arises I’ll scribble on cardboard coasters or paper napkins.

cubedsteaks ,

it’s interesting you don’t daydream in public - I usually leave the house to daydream harder.

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

It’s easier to switch off my senses if I already know my surroundings. Also people who caught me daydreaming teased me afterwards about it, apparently my thousand yard stare and overall unresponsiveness it’s either concerning or hilarious to people.

cubedsteaks ,

That’s annoying! I always assume someone is just deep in thought but I don’t know why I’d give someone shit for thinking.

Reminds me of people who like to say “its not that deep” all the time in response to questions that are meant to spark conversation. Like some people take pride in not using their brains or something.

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Eh, no biggie! People do that when they don’t experience a similar behaviour themselves.

As for the not that deep crowd, I always thought they’re either self conscious or fear touching a triggering topic. Refusing to engage means they won’t be judged on their opinions or ability to reason and express themselves. Trying to pass a cool is what gives away they’re trying to cover up something.

cubedsteaks ,

I think part of it is them being self conscious but I think it was also just seen as a “cool” way to behave like you said. I often saw this mentality on reddit of course and in various discord servers where people just couldn’t back up what they were saying - so someone else approaching them with an in depth take, just causes them to try and shut things down with “oh its not that deep”.

Like its a very dismissive phrase meant to shut down conversation.

Tiritibambix ,
@Tiritibambix@lemmy.ml avatar

I do whatever the fuck I want, unless it is unpolite or could hurt somebody’s freedom.

I learnt that, as I don’t give a shit about what people are doing, they must also don’t give a shit either. People just care about themselves most of the time. The day I realized that, I had a strong freedom feeling.

Having kids multiplied this attitude by 1000 and actually, I see people smiling and interacting with us while we’re fooling around.

GO PLAY WITH FUCKING PUDDLES WEARING PINK PANTIES ON YOUR HEAD MY DUDE ! I might join you.

homoludens ,

Ideally yes. But as a guy I have been insulted in public for small things like wearing nail polish, and that’s in a liberal German city. Most people don’t care, some don’t like it, some compliment it and some make me feel unsafe.

And that of course has an effect in other areas too: what if my boss or my coworkers don’t like me wearing nail polish? They would never be open about it (our company would not allow it), but it might lead to some bias against me. And as they wouldn’t be open about it, I couldn’t react to it (by calling them out or changing jobs). Instead I might just advance more slowly and wonder why that is. It really fucks with your mind, when you know there is bias against you (or something you do) but you never know in which situations it actually comes into play.

I still wear nail polish most of the time, because fuck the haters and we need to make progress somehow, but it’s not as easy as “I don’t care about them so they don’t care about me”.

Tiritibambix ,
@Tiritibambix@lemmy.ml avatar

I got you. Of course it’s easier said than done. But you got to be nuanced and able to read the room. Maybe think ahead to avoid being in trouble (work, edgy neighborhoods).

But in the end, you must not care. Even insults. Insults have the value only you give to them.

Take care ♥️

stiephel ,

Sounds like you’re still a kid at heart. I’ve got a 2yr old and I immensely enjoy playing these sorts of games with him. My wife always jokes that I’m using the sandbox more than him, she even snapped a couple of pics of me playing alone in there.

What kind of clothes are you talking about? A skirt on a man is still pretty courageous, but if you’re talking about a pink shirt just go for it. You’ll not be judged.

Thorny_Thicket OP ,

What kind of clothes are you talking about?

Overknee socks, crop tops, tiny shorts, speedos, yoga pants …

I’m perfectly aware that it’s not that others care that’s holding me back but the fact that I care. Doesn’t make it any easier though.

ekky43 ,

Ayy, speedos gang! May others avert their eyes if they can’t handle me and all my sexiness, and may the rest of you, girls or guys, enjoy the eye candy.

Regarding the original question, while I’m already running around in speedos, I absolutely wouldn’t mind some more colorful clothes, or perhaps some final fantasy/guild wars inspired clothing. Like those outer coats that go all the way to your shoes, but with decorations and stuff. But I feel that the included judging is a commitment I’m not ready for yet.

cubedsteaks ,

Overknee socks, crop tops, tiny shorts, speedos, yoga pants …

There’s quite a few guys who dress like this where I live and I find they are often not single.

henfredemars ,

I’ve always been such a child at heart and my soul is bursting with whimsical energy when I see kids playing pretend at the playground next to where I walk my dogs. I’d love to play pretend with them, encourage the children to really let their imaginations run wild and free. I was often lost in my own world as child. I know what it’s like to be so consumed by it. I want to fight the robot king, too!

I’m an adult male however. I would definitely look like a child predator, so I must go on my way.

humanfactor ,

To all of you guys who enjoy playing pretend, I want to suggest to try playing improv theater. There are often beginner courses and its a kind of slightly guided cooperative make believe. My personal recommendation: try long form Impro and not just short form (which I learned to be the goofier of the two). For me it was very freeing to find an outlet for this stuff where it’s suddenly even cool.

christophski ,

Join a local theatre group

cubedsteaks ,

maybe look into LARPing too.

pinkdrunkenelephants ,

Nothing. I truly do not give a fuck anymore.

The key is to accept there will be social consequences and to ignore them. Once people see the consequences they impose do not affect you, especially after they escalate which they will do at first, they’ll stop and accept your behavior.

regalia , (edited )

I’m so scared to be seen, that I can’t even go for a walk. I also want to get skateboard, but I can’t for the same reason. I’m terrified to be seen alone, or just seen in general.

Yet despite this, somehow I’m the opposite of that and manage a bunch of girls with compete confidence. I also have to deal with a ton of customers and don’t even hesitate to say no or let them have negative judgement to me. I’m very socially competent and meet new people all the time without fear of rejection and opening up. I stand out and definitely stand out, in a good way.

Yet I’m scared of them simply watching me going for a walk outside??

Thorny_Thicket OP ,

Interesting. I’m not scared of being seen but I like to not be seen. I spend a lot of time in nature and I always wear only earth tones. I like it when other people pass me up close but fail to notice me. I wonder if it has something to do with my voyeuristic tendencies. I love to just sit in a cafe to and watch people passing by.

maniel ,
@maniel@lemmy.ml avatar

I’d seek help, don’t want to tell people what’s normal and what’s not, but that’s definitely a slight deviation from the norm and it’s not helpful to you

regalia ,

That’s what it’s like to have GAD

enthusiasticamoeba ,

Or being traumatized from being autistic and getting side eyes, snickers, giggles, eye rolls, scoffs, and bullying whenever you committed some social faux pas.

winter ,

I remember I couldn’t even use earphones on the street or on school because I thought people were going to look at me more, even thought everybody uses them

sanguinepar ,
@sanguinepar@lemmy.world avatar

Practicing DJing. Neither my wife nor daughter are into their quality house music (neither am I, they would argue… 😀) and we have elderly neighbours, so I find it hard to find time to make a real effort to practice, and get self-conscious and disheartened pretty quickly.

My setup is in our living room area, so it’s not very convenient when people are doing just about anything downstairs. Would love to have a bit more space to make mistakes and make a noise without it bothering others.

I’d still be crap at it right enough… ;-)

victron ,
@victron@programming.dev avatar

I’d still be crap at it right enough… ;-)

But wouldn’t it be soooo fun?

sanguinepar ,
@sanguinepar@lemmy.world avatar

Oh, most definitely! :-)

Uvine_Umbra , (edited )
@Uvine_Umbra@partizle.com avatar

Travel the Caribbean & document my travels & the cultures & concerns of the people I meet with my own eyes

Why not? Well, I’m an actual idiot in reading social situations, Knowing who to trust, inferring details, attempting any meaningful level of reading comprehension on the spot, avoiding the urge to hyper focus on random stuff (makes people uncomfortable sometimes), trying to be humourous in terms of wordplay, and nowadays just avoiding social exhaustion.

Now with all that, imagine the amount of judgement & talking down to I’ve gotten just entering into social events or even bars.

A trip to the Caribbean to understand people?

Not happening lmao!!!

To those of you who can, you’re all blessed.

dosse91 ,

I’ve been into BDSM stuff since I was a kid basically, but I’ve always been to embarrassed to tell anyone or act on it because it’s some seriously kinky shit.

wildwhitehorses ,

Fetlife.com

1847953620 ,

Local bdsm club

LongPigFlavor , (edited )

In my past I used to take on janitorial or maintenance jobs, but the grossness of the job combined with the attitude of the general public just made it unbearable. People would ask me if I was a citizen and when I said yes, they’d tell me that it’s a job for immigrants. They’d also say that it’s a job for slaves and ask if I felt like a slave doing that kind of work.

WololoWarrior ,

Holy shit. Those are horrible people.

victron ,
@victron@programming.dev avatar

Shitty people, amirite.

Sorry, I really couldn’t stop myself.

Elferrerito ,

Some people are so horrible…

sibloure ,

Wow! That is surprising to hear.

Dubious_Fart ,

I used to do Janitorial work, And I got respect for it.

And you deserve respect for it to.

because decent people understand you are the fulcrum upon which their nice world balances on.

People like you deal with have less value than the effluence from an overflowing toilet.

Sorry you deal with such shitty people man.

grayman ,

Go get a job pumping septic tanks. Customer disrespects you? Walk off the job leaving them with backed up poo. Generally people are glad to see you. Good money if you can get to the point of running your own truck. Some dudes making good money posting about septic pumping on YouTube too. Get out the auger and whip up a poop smoothie. Mmmm! Smells like money!

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