What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
I grind my own coffee every morning for pour-over, with my digital kettle that heats the water precisely, and I use a timer to pace the brew for optimal flavor. You may think this is excessive effort but let ms assure you it is worth it! Nothing can beat the flavor of lightly roasted single origin pure robusta coffee.
The loss of real winters is what has made my grudge with climate change personal. Winter is my favorite season. I recognize that I can say that mostly because I have the privilege to have a good experience with winter, but that’s my context. And, to be fair, I’ve enjoyed it even during the times I’ve been flat broke. I’m a transplant to central California, and a lot of millennials and older will tell you that winter here has changed dramatically. The boomers will too as long as you don’t use trigger words like “climate change”. We barely ever get fog anymore. My wife said she almost never went trick or treating because it was always raining, but my kids have never missed a Halloween yet. Supposedly it would start raining gently around the end of October and just not stop until the end of February or so; now it just stays kind of overcast and then we’ll get hella rain for a week here or a week there. It’s a la Niña year this year, though, so it’s probably going to stay dry and sunny the whole winter. A lot of the older folks in the mountains will tell you that snowfall at lower elevations is dramatically different. I work EMS in a town at around 1000 ft elevation in the Sierras, and the old timers in town will tell you that they used to get flat out snowed in. Now, it’s kind of a big deal if you get enough snow to make a footprint.
We keep in touch with some people in New York state and they tell us that it doesn’t even really snow in New York anymore, which is kind of blowing my mind.
I’m in South Carolina so we’ve never really had much serious winter weather. Summers here are much different now than when I was a kid in the 80s. When I was growing up we could go out and play from the morning until sundown all summer long, now we have periods where you’re supposed to stay inside during the day because it will be over 100F with like 95% humidity for a week or two at a time.
Oh, Brawndo is my favorite outside beverage. There’s nothing like slipping on my Crocs, standing out in my yard with my guns, sipping on Brawndo and pissing into the wind.
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