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BartyDeCanter , (edited )

Dating apps are deeply, deeply enshitified because the economic incentive for them is the exact opposite of what monogamous users want. Specifically, the apps want you to keep subscribing, plus buy the super platinum plus extra added packs, but never really find someone and date them, because then you stop paying. Old school pre-sellout OKCupid had a great analysis of this in their blog, which was taken down the day they sold out.

This is why the few sites/apps that cater to non-monogamous or event based communities are still reasonably decent, e.g FetLife, Bloom and Feeld, though Feeld is partially down the enshitification pathway.

I’d be really interested in seeing what a fediverse dating app would be like, something that didn’t have the financial incentive to enshitify, and maybe had a match/search system like old-school OKC.

EDIT: missing word.

EtherealMoon ,
@EtherealMoon@lemmy.world avatar

I really loved OkCupid back before they sold out. They would share a lot of interesting data on their blog posts, and seemed genuinely interested in making successful matchups based on how your profile was presented to others. It was fun to be on there and didn’t feel like you were just being presented for “dateable” you were if you didn’t want to be.

I also met my wife on OkCupid, but that was just before the site really took a nosedive. Pretty annoyed they deleted my account without warning, so the first message she ever sent me is gone forever.

Thrashy ,
@Thrashy@lemmy.world avatar

My wife and I also met on OKCupid, probably around the same time as you – Tinder-like features were starting to appear, but the core of the experience was still about reading other users’ personal essays and comparing compatibility quiz responses. Of all the services I tried, OKCupid (in that particular incarnation, at least) seemed like the only one that was genuinely aimed at fostering deep personal connections. I haven’t been on any of the apps in almost a decade now, but it really seems like the shallow, gamified Tinder model of “swipe right if they look hot” ate up the marketplace, to the detriment of everyone.

pete_the_cat ,

Yeah that’s literally all it is now, a few apps are like “there’s no swiping here” but then the mechanic they came up with is worse.

r3df0x ,

If you want to save stuff like that, it’s good to save it because sites disappear. There are also a lot of weird “privacy” obsessive people who have a bizarre fixation of wanting accounts to be “deleted” if they don’t sign in for a certain amount of time, and some sites are starting to give in to them.

Check for emails in both of your accounts and you might be able to find the text of it there.

Clbull , (edited )

Coming from somebody in their early thirties who has had nothing but atrocious luck with women in general, I’ve mentally checked out of dating.

Every dating app is now a carbon-copy of Tinder where you can’t pull a lady unless you look like a fucking Chippendale, are above 5’11" tall, have your own property and are sufficiently wealthy. It also doesn’t help that Match Group hold a virtual monopoly over the market, with Bumble as their only credible competition. They literally profiteer from making the experience as miserable as possible so they can sucker you into paying a £40/month subscription.

Match also put the bare minimum into moderating and policing their apps. The sheer volume of love scammers, fake users and spammers shilling OnlyFans pages is massive, and it feels like they really couldn’t give a shit about enforcing their own rules.

Online dating really is that soul-destroying, and the longer I spend trying to use any app, the less it surprises me that the incel, MGTOW and red pill communities are growing, and that people like Andrew Tate and Sneako have such a huge following despite being such garbage human beings.

At the same time I wish there was a better alternative.

some_guy ,

It used to be socially acceptable to ask a stranger for their phone number. Some would agree, some wouldn’t and I’d thank them for their time.

I tried this in 2019 at a restaurant and got a look like, “wtf is wrong with you?”

I did well on dating apps when the format was like email because I could showcase my personality, which doesn’t come through easily in a text message format (never been good at small talk with strangers; writing letter let me really express myself). Luckily, I’ve found my partner, though I was worried it’d never happen.

Modern dating apps also suck for dating if you have average looks.

p03locke ,
@p03locke@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

It used to be socially acceptable to ask a stranger for their phone number. Some would agree, some wouldn’t and I’d thank them for their time.

I tried this in 2019 at a restaurant and got a look like, “wtf is wrong with you?”

Maybe at a bar, but I’ve never heard of that in a restaurant. It also depends on the context, too.

Iteria ,
@Iteria@sh.itjust.works avatar

That’s because someone can easily track your address via a phone number. This is why I have a burner VoIP number to give out until I trust people.

pete_the_cat ,

“I’ll give you my Insta, you can hit me up on there”

Clbull ,

I once went on a (second) Tinder date in Wolverhampton.

Some random stranger genuinely approached my date’s uni friend and asked her for her Snapchat. She gave it to him.

Less than 15 mins later when we’re in the supermarket, she gets an unsolicited dick pic from him.

LifeInMultipleChoice ,

Nudes were what snapchat was made for. That was one of the only reasons anyone I knew got it back when it came out. Half those users were under 18. I’m sure it has changed a lot but likely leaves a imprint that holds over time.

SlurpDaddySlushy ,

I used dating apps for 10 years. Got maybe a dozen replies and 1 date. So I’m looking at like a .00001% success rate. It’s heartbreaking how unattractive that makes me feel.

BartyDeCanter ,

It’s not you, it’s the apps. They’re set up that way to get you to pay for them.

SlurpDaddySlushy ,

That’s a big nope from me.

elbarto777 ,

Well, if your goal was to get at least one date, then I’d say the success rate was 100%!

SlurpDaddySlushy ,

I would not call the date a success lol. I tried to plan to go somewhere but the girl knew a mutual friend so she said she felt more comfortable coming over my apartment. She was adamant about being pizza (which was awful), and when she walked in she cracked a joke about how easily she could get raped. 0/10. Did not see her again.

elbarto777 ,

Oof, quite the story!!

JoShmoe ,

I guess we’re ignoring the subscriptions and bot accounts. The primary reason I never paid for any of it nor spent longer than a month on any of them.

pete_the_cat ,

I’ve paid for bumble, hinge and tinder multiple times over the past 7 years, all it got me was less money in my bank account.

Snapz ,

“Fell out of love”

Quite a shame how the partner who had a spouse that beat the shit out of them and stole their wallet every day FELL OUT OF LOVE with that spouse…

feedum_sneedson ,

Okay but they’re talking about dating apps here.

Snapz ,

Woosh

nutsack ,

le

ASaltPepper ,

This lines up with the experience of single friends I’ve seen. I wonder how much of it though is that those who are left on the dating market are on there for a reason?

Namely they select for avoidant types who when trouble arises are more likely to embrace singledom

feedum_sneedson ,

I’m anxious attachment style, but latterly maybe do tend towards fully avoidant because I can’t face anymore pain. Not a great position to be in at 35.

autotldr Bot ,

This is the best summary I could come up with:

(tldr: 7 sentences skipped)

“I’m always in a state of flux.” Lacey’s approach might not suit everyone looking for love, but she is one of a growing number of people rejecting swiping on a screen and taking their dating lives offline.

(tldr: 26 sentences skipped)

Many say the apps feel like work and there is a genuine sense of burnout as people struggle to commit to what is essentially hours of admin a week alongside their day jobs and other responsibilities.

(tldr: 13 sentences skipped)

“You really have to set some standards – people can be so keen to help that they tend to overestimate how good-looking or interesting their mates are, or they try to suggest the only single person they know, no matter how unsuitable – but it has worked quite well.

(tldr: 6 sentences skipped)

The benefit of meeting someone vouched for is also driving Clare, 38, from Bath, to explore her options, after having signed up to numerous dating apps over the years, only to quit after a few months each time.

(tldr: 7 sentences skipped)

She has done slow dating at Shambala festival, with an emphasis on doing exercises that could help to make emotional connections, including questions like, “What are you most proud of in your life?” and “What’s the biggest challenge you’ve overcome?”

(tldr: 12 sentences skipped)

“You have the opportunity to meet heaps of other cute, single people in real life with no stuffy or awkward first-date vibes because if you don’t click with someone, you can just excuse yourself and chat with someone else,” she says.

(tldr: 27 sentences skipped)

The original article contains 2,349 words, the summary contains 269 words. Saved 89%. I’m a bot and I’m open source!

HawlSera ,

No it isn’t. Those things are nothing but trouble

Pxtl ,
@Pxtl@lemmy.ca avatar

The discussion of this same article on Hacker News is shockingly redpilly.

news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38055947

BURN ,

TBH app based dating has entirely ended the possibility of dating for me. It’s just not worth the effort and constant rejection. Add on being lower than normal attractiveness, and 5’5” to boot, it just isn’t something that makes it worthwhile anymore.

I’m no catch myself, and would need to do a lot of working on myself first if I wanted to date, but it’s not something that seems worth the effort now. It’s been so commodified that I just don’t have the will or want to put in the work.

figaro ,

My advice to people here is usually all the same: stop worrying about it. Do stuff that you enjoy. I don’t even want to say work on yourself, because it implies that you are actually doing that in order to find somebody. Don’t even do that. Just do what you want to do.

Find meetup groups you want to do for you, not for the possibility of meeting people. Find ways to have fun. Work out because you want to be stronger and healthier. Sign up for community college classes on topics you find interesting.

If you do meet someone interesting in the process, cool! But don’t let that be your focus.

And yeah dating apps all suck for many, many reasons.

kicksystem ,

That seems like super generic advice. Why would you give it to anyone? Are you more qualified somehow than the people you give it to?

carl_the_llama ,

It’s an advice it’s up to you or anyone who recives it if you want to follow it or not

kicksystem ,

Sure, but even so you’re nudging people in a direction that may or may not be the right direction. Some justification for advice is in order, right? I don’t know, perhaps @figaro is a social psychologist who has spent years researching this topic?

figaro ,

Lol what do you want from me 😅

kicksystem ,

I don’t know. Some justification for your advice maybe? I know you intend well, but I am genuinely wondering how you know whether your advice is right and why you feel qualified to give advice.

Just one thing, you can say dating apps all suck, but I found my wife on a dating app, so maybe weave that into your story as well if possible :)

Luisp ,

Of course not, most of the dates are still found by going outside

r3df0x ,

Pim Tool likes to rant about online dating, but the reality is that there are dudes that can only date this way.

The thing that concerns me though is that eventually more people are going to identify as “awkward” and will refuse to go on dates with anyone they meed IRL and feel like everyone should only contact them online. We already see this with irrational fears of talking on the phone where millennials and zoomers insist on communicating exclusively through texts.

ChrisLicht ,

You do understand you’re gonna give this kid a complex based on a single anecdote?

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