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I think I am socially ostrasized, what should I do?

Hello. For context, I am in a university. I do not have any friends, and it feels like colleagues talk bad about me. This makes me quite hesitant to join any circles or attend seminars. I am not sure it is everyone who thinks bad about me though, I fear about asking. Yet I plan to do research, so I should attend seminars to learn current trends and stuffs. May I ask what I should do in such a situation? Are friends necessary, or not really? Also should I stop being in this environment and get a job instead? Thanks for reading lengthy paragraph, I would love any comments or advice for this.

BuboScandiacus ,
@BuboScandiacus@mander.xyz avatar

Are you a boring person ? I’m in a similar situation and prety much figured out that his was the issue

sumguyonline ,

Get a degree, get a dog, make art not friends.

muntedcrocodile ,
@muntedcrocodile@lemm.ee avatar

Ur not a snitch are you?

someacnt_ OP ,

No

ContrarianTrail ,

Everyone, just like you, are thinking about themselves. Nobody is thinking about you.

SexualPolytope ,
@SexualPolytope@lemmy.sdf.org avatar

Getting a job won’t make things easier. Most people need human friends to live a fulfilling life. I think you might be imagining that people dislike you, as we socially awkward people often do. Just try talking to people, and you’ll surely make a few friends. I’m socially awkward, but make it a point to attend some social gatherings outside of classes/job so that I’m basically forced to talk to people, no matter how hard it is. If you’re just starting university, it’ll be easier as everyone is trying to make friends, and there’ll be many open events. For later years, it might be a bit harder, but try joining some clubs. I’ve found astronomy clubs to be pretty chill and welcoming to new members.

Just make it a point to attend some social events. There will definitely be people who will appreciate your personality, just give them the chance to get to know you.

(All of this is assuming you don’t have some underlying mental condition. If you find it hard to follow this advice, maybe seek help from a professional.)

LainTrain ,

You do not need friends to attend seminars no. In first world civilized countries most people snicker behind your back and behind closed doors but they will not actively do anything to break the peace.

Normies will ostracize you for everything that does not fall within extremely rigid highly defined bounds of acceptable, it does not matter if you are nice or not, once you have become the subject of jokes it’s all it’ll ever be. I’ve been on both sides of this equation.

I am neurodivergent and LGBT and I have learned the hard way there is no fitting in with normal people and even if you did - there is no trusting them, it’s best to not concern yourself with them and simply carry on with your work. If you feel like you must have social connections it’s best to find people who are similar.

monsterpiece42 ,

If you’re autistic, there’s a good chance that autistic masking is the root cause here. If you have social anxiety especially, your mask will kick in automatically (subconsciously) and come off as fake to most people, and they will not like you for it. A quick test for this is, are you good at making a good first impression or short time of friendship and then it kinda falls off with time? If yes, masking is likely in play. I highly recommend the book Unmasking Autism even if you’re not autistic. It applies to others as well and it is excellent.

The short term (maybe long term…?) solution is to make autistic friends. They’ll understand “the weird” and it should be much simpler. Try searching around your local area for autism or neurodivergent clubs and see how you feel around other similarly-minded people.

aeki ,

A quick test for this is, are you good at making a good first impression or short time of friendship and then it kinda falls off with time? If yes, masking is likely in play.

Can confirm. This is my entire life.

monsterpiece42 ,

Might be time to do a little research my friend.

The extremely oversimplified and short version of it is, a trauma mask is something that kicks in automatically to protect you. Autistic masking is a form of trauma masking and it is fully automatic and usually not known to the person that they are doing it. We learn the skills to get through most normal social situations, but beyond that there is little development. So we do all the neurotypical things to blend in and it works until people realize that it’s fake, and then they feel like they’ve been deceived and they don’t like us.

The fix for this is, as you go on a journey of self-discovery and learn how to stop masking you will present yourself as your authentic self, and attract the right kind of friends. It is a difficult journey, and especially because almost always we don’t realize that we’re doing it at all. I don’t know if you believe that your neurodivergent or autistic, but I also believe that there are other neurotypes that are able to trauma mask similarly to autistic masking. You may find good company in an autistic community because they will understand how that works. There’s also something oddly comforting knowing that you’re in a group of “weird” people and it will help you get your real self out.

I am by no means an expert on this but I found out that I am autistic after over 30 years of living on this earth. Everything before that was fueled by masking and it has currently become the new most interesting thing that I know of. If I can help with advice or information, or if I can help by just listening, feel free to shoot me a DM!

someacnt_ OP ,

Considering my high school life, it was kind of opposite - I had handful of friends then, but they went different path and it became hard to keep contact with. Others basically hated me, making fun of me and borderline bullying me.

I did become isolated in uni, I think I did stay away from others. Was too scared of making a mistake.

birbs ,

Clubs are a good call. Look into societies at your university, find something that you’re interested in or think you could be interested in. Societies are social in a way that seminars and other course activities are not. Don’t worry if you don’t “click” with anyone immediately, keep attending and do your best to engage in conversations.

I also recommend seeking out a university counsellor. Most universities will have them and their advice can be valuable.

someguy3 ,

It never hurts to read “How to win friends and influence people”.

magnetosphere ,
@magnetosphere@fedia.io avatar

The best way to get people to stop thinking you’re a “freak” is to spend time with them and show them you’re a nice person. It’s okay if you’re kind of unusual. Everyone is, so try not to worry about it. What you think of as weird traits become charming quirks to people who know you.

Of course, this is much easier said than done. I wish you the best. Just try to remember that nobody judges you as harshly as you judge yourself.

someacnt_ OP ,

I see, but I am worried that the behaviors they hate on is exactly the autistic & social anxiety behaviors I exhibit.

magnetosphere ,
@magnetosphere@fedia.io avatar

Some people may actually dislike those features, sure, but I don’t think most people will. You wouldn’t know it from watching the news, but people are more tolerant than you think, especially in college.

aasatru ,
@aasatru@kbin.earth avatar

Be careful about the things one does in response to being insecure. Some people react to the prospect of rejection by giving people a reason to reject them, so that the blow will be softer. That's obviously not a great idea.

It's alright to not be super talkative all the time. Reading up on social norms is probably a good idea if your have autism and find them challenging.

Think about first impression. Keep a good personal hygiene, try to wear clothes that make some sense, try to keep a good posture while not being too "stiff" - let your arms swing while walking and all that. There's a bunch of these tiny things we do that change our perception of each other, and it can be good to be aware.

Keep in mind that you're probably not dealing with a unitary group of people. You're probably not the only person who doesn't have friends yet. And some people will always not like you no matter what - if you have too many friends or are too charismatic, some people will dislike you for that as well. It doesn't matter that some people don't like you, what matters is to find some people one can get along with. Chances are there are people out there with a lot in common with you.

CameronDev ,

My purely anecdotal opinion, once you get into university and higher education, everyone is a bit autistic and socially stunted. Its almost a prerequisite.

NeoNachtwaechter ,

I see, but I am worried that the behaviors they hate on is exactly the autistic & social anxiety behaviors I exhibit.

You are worried, yes.

They do not hate, No.

Some people may find your behaviour extraordinary, and that is enough to maybe talk about. But there is a whole world between “find something extraordinary” and “hate”.

If you do never talk to people, then this is your behaviour. You can change it. You can talk to people. Case solved.

orcrist ,

What is your background? Did you have friends in high school? How long have you been in university? Are you studying on campus? How do you know people are ignoring you? What country,or at least what general region?

Details matter. Provide whatever you feel comfortable providing.

Also, attending classes and circles are how you make friends. So if you are running away from the solution, expect the situation to stay the same.

Building community is important for most people, but it can be done at university, or elsewhere, or both.

some_guy ,

I don’t know about the rest, but I will say that having friends is absolutely worthwhile and worth pursuing.

Whether to stay at school or get a job, it sorta depends on your circumstances. What are you majoring? Are you interested in it? Are you taking on massive debt in the process? Will your education likely lead to career opportunities? You don’t necessarily answer here, but these are definitely questions worth asking yourself.

Depending on circumstances, staying at university may be highly advantageous. It may be a place where you develop life-long friendships or meet people and network in ways that are later career-advantageous. It could also suck you into unnecessary debt without much perceived value when you’re done. It’s difficult to say, but worth considering before acting on a whim. Good luck!

half_built_pyramids ,

I recognized I went a little crazy last week with some acquaintances. I’m going to ask them next week if it was ok. It’s hard to ask, but you just gotta do it and own it when it’s on you to improve.

Azzu ,

If you’re autistic: social settings have a plethora of unwritten rules that you have to follow to not seem weird to non-autistic people. Without knowing exactly why anyone would be badmouthing you, it’s likely that you already violated dozens of them without knowing it.

It’s possible to learn it though, I did it through reading about it and carefully observing soap operas scene-by-scene, watching every movement they make, every way they express themselves, guessing the purpose and seeing the effects.

The quickest way to learn is by having someone with the necessary skills observe you and giving you pointers, but this is hard to do apparently since you have no one you can trust?

I could help, but to help you, one really needs much more and much more specific information about your situation.

Nougat ,

One of the things which has helped me is consistently reminding myself that everyone is focused way more on themselves than on me, that nobody realy gives a fuck about me (with a small handful of exceptions), and that my thinking that everyone is thinking about me at all is a pretty self-centered outlook itself.

NaibofTabr ,

Are friends necessary, or not really?

Unless you are independently wealthy, you will need the support of other people in your life. This is not avoidable - you must learn to live and work with other humans, and hopefully also enjoy their company.

The good news is that social skills are a thing that you can learn like any other skill. There are books about it, but the trouble with that is (1) advice in the book is cultural context dependent, and therefore most applicable in the time and place where the book was written, and (2) reading a book is an inherently non-social activity, and therefore not really contributing to developing the skill.

The best way to learn social skills is through observation and practice - which means that you will have to put yourself in situations that feel uncomfortable, until you learn enough that you become comfortable. This is a lot like learning to ride a bike - you feel clumsy, unsteady and slow at first but if you keep doing it you learn to stay balanced, and eventually it feels natural. You have to push yourself past the point of discomfort.

RightHandOfIkaros ,

you must learn to live and work with other humans

That is not anywhere near the same as being friends with them.

I think whether or not friends are necessary depends on the person. People who are extroverted will feel like friends are a necessity. Meanwhile, introverts like me, are perfectly happy to be by themselves. Some introverts may want to have friends but only minimally or in small amounts, others are fine without them at all.

Introverts do not always lack social skills, its just that social interaction is exhausting. Telling someone to push past this may not be possible. Not everyone needs to be an extrovert, the only people that say that or think that way are extroverts. And, unfortunately for us introverts, the majority of people are some level of extrovert.

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