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Is this normal for girls or just a extreme edge case? (Serious question)

I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

DaGeek247 ,
@DaGeek247@fedia.io avatar

Take their 'joke' seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they're for, everything.

This way, if they weren't joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

Thorny_Insight , (edited )

Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

EDIT: Yeah I misread that

Chozo ,

OP was talking about his wife and her friend.

Deceptichum ,
@Deceptichum@quokk.au avatar

Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

thefartographer ,

Times are tough for underage dads in this cancel culture

catbum ,

And not to mention tough for their UNDERAGE CHILDREN!!!

^/s^

someguy3 , (edited )

Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.

ByteOnBikes OP ,

Understood and thank you for your wisdom.

thefartographer ,

Do most people take food back out from the trash?

abbadon420 ,

Yeah, to give it to the rabbits. Don’t waste food

thefartographer ,

Ohhhhhh, I didn’t think about that. I considered that the same as “discarded.” But now I feel bad how nonchalantly I was thinking like, “throw the cucumber of joy into the compost or let nature consume it”

I have a dog who doesn’t like most fruits or any vegetables. I’ve forgotten how easy it is to just give produce to pets such as bunnies or the adorable yet giant Texas desert centipede you and your friend nabbed from Terlingua for his wife.

Naich ,
@Naich@lemmings.world avatar

Absolutely. youtu.be/qJh5u1tdC4Q?si=jIbva7uT2_tN328S

PM_ME_VINTAGE_30S ,
@PM_ME_VINTAGE_30S@lemmy.sdf.org avatar

Solution: simply cover your most phallic groceries with condoms, then dispose the condoms before eating.

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Yeah that lube in the condoms 👌 chef’s kiss

Lemminary ,

That’s why I buy the flavored ones. The strawberry-flavored side salad is absolutely yums!

I_Fart_Glitter , (edited )

English cucumbers come with their own condom, but it usually has rough seams :(

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/c8b0b92e-4cfe-435e-b4a9-d0a3c3369a2f.jpeg

meco03211 ,

It’s called ribbed.

gedaliyah ,
@gedaliyah@lemmy.world avatar

Condoments

chemical_cutthroat ,
@chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world avatar

Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.

ByteOnBikes OP ,

her post may not be real, but is it a real thing?

chemical_cutthroat ,
@chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world avatar

Fucking yourself with a cucumber? Sure, if that’s all you got, get it, queen. I’d suggest something slightly more substantial, though.

meco03211 ,

The fuck you mean substantial?

AmidFuror ,

Watermelon.

chemical_cutthroat ,
@chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world avatar

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/5db42f23-b299-4e7c-9d46-2c73dcb643fd.gif

ekZepp ,
@ekZepp@lemmy.world avatar

Anything can become a sextoy… if you’re brave enough.

pete_the_cat ,

Eggplant, obviously

🍆🍆🍆

Mediocre_Bard ,

Oh … ouch.

DeadWorld ,

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

🤣

ByteOnBikes OP ,

😭

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.

That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

ByteOnBikes OP ,

Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.

Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.

I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.

Mouselemming ,

Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.

As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.

pete_the_cat ,

I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.

IronKrill ,

Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.

https://okrainmygarden.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Cucumber-two-smaller-cucumbers-hanging-on-trellis-768x768.jpg

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

I used to grow cucumbers. Garden cucumbers have a rep for flavour and texture, not girth. That’s a nice looking cucumber there, good job.

Today ,

Vibrators are much better than they used to be - quiet, rechargeable, and durable. I think your veggies are safe. If you’re worried about it, only buy non phallus-shaped veg for awhile and see if anyone comments. I think (hope) those food sex things are just jokes, but i will not use a hotel room glass, coffee maker, or refillable shampoo.

downpunxx ,

see if anyone comments

hahahahahahahahhhahahahahaha

cordlesslamp ,

What would you do if someone did comment on it?

“Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask”

“I’m gaining weight lately so I need more salad, could you pick up some cucumbers and spinach while you at the store please?”

ByteOnBikes OP , (edited )

Immediately think of the post and panic.

paddirn ,

Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.

pete_the_cat ,

I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.

When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.

JD Vance fucked a couch.

SynopsisTantilize ,

Good deflection buddy. You shared, which is the important part. Progress.

octopus_ink ,

LOL!

https://lemmy.ml/pictrs/image/742aa263-7462-4bac-915e-689426c177a9.jpeg

PM_ME_VINTAGE_30S ,
@PM_ME_VINTAGE_30S@lemmy.sdf.org avatar

Only 544 bookmarks to go

ABCDE ,

Carrots and cucumbers, yes. Rumours went around a neighbouring school after a girl confided in her friend, who then betrayed her trust.

They are cheap, easily accessible, and great replacements in countries where sex toys are illegal. Just… Use a condom around it please.

Oh, and don’t put it back in the fridge.

YarrMatey ,

Most teens don’t want to put anything up there because it hurts, even tampons hurt as a virgin especially with 0 lube. I never liked regular dildos, most women do not orgasm through penetration. So I would say they are messing with you. I’ve had guys ask me if I ever experimented with pencils or rulers because if they were a girl they would do it. No, wtf only guys think women are like this.

cashmaggot ,

Yo, this is a real actual human person right here.

Men would be asking me the most heinous of shit and I literally had nothing to do with them. Like, what? I think things are better now, cause I'm older. But hot damn, the shit I was being asked if I reversed it I'd be like asking if when they are fucking a girl do they make sure to jizz on their face or some shit. Like wtf who the fuck asks this just sitting around talking to someone they just met or are (platonically, in a group) having some chow with!?

kofe ,

Uhh. Hi, woman here…RIP my inbox but I think it’s important parents talk to teenagers of all genders about this and consider having them look for toys they can experiment with if they express interest. Just because we don’t orgasm from penetration doesn’t mean it feels bad lol. Better they have toys available so they’re less likely to use something inappropriate.

YarrMatey ,

I agree parents should talk with their kids, I never meant to allude to that. But I disagree that penetration doesn’t feel bad, for me it feels painful without lube and with lube it feels not painful but never enjoyable. Vibrators are the only thing that feels good, that much is universal among the women I’ve talked to.

BuddyTheBeefalo ,

Best with vaginal yogurt dressing.

zqwzzle ,

Cecilia Westbrook, an MD/PhD student at the University of Wisconsin, and her friends wondered why there are so many semen-based recipes and nothing on Google about cooking with vaginal juices.

Wut

Banichan ,
@Banichan@dormi.zone avatar

They’re really into equal rights.

Phenomephrene ,
@Phenomephrene@thebrainbin.org avatar

My guess is that the vaginal juice recipes are already there, they're just suffering a lack of the personnel with the SEO skills to get them to the first few pages.

sp3tr4l ,

Did she try looking for recipes based around menstrual fluid? There are a surprising amount of those.

pete_the_cat ,

I did not need to know that, thanks.

The only thing I can assume is that these recipes are created by vampires for vampires that don’t want to bite people.

sp3tr4l ,

From my personal experience: There are a good number of… well basically self-taught witches, who use menstrual blood (among other things) for various rituals and spells and hexes, and some of that eventually evolved into cooking.

From elsewhere: All around the world, there are various traditions, folk religion, local superstitions, most of which are quite niche, but simultaneously a lot of them also have rituals involving consumption of menstrual blood or food made with it for varying reasons.

LibertyLizard ,

Lol I’d try it. I’ve probably consumed way more vaginal bacteria before anyway.

ByteOnBikes OP ,

Oh my

Meron35 ,

Yonic Yoghurt

pete_the_cat ,

In what is best described as her ‘scientific experiment,’ Westbrook harvested healthy vaginal fluid using a wooden spoon.

😶

fraksken ,

Cucumbers are the gateway veg.

https://infosec.pub/pictrs/image/584af24e-40cd-4c23-b9bd-a66b17bee364.jpeg

cashmaggot ,

Yo, I have to take a moment and shake you because I thought you were a cool tech dyke judging by your goofy ass name. But all things aside talk with your seemingly two partners? Or like, partner and actual friend? But also like, idk what open lines of communicaiton you have with kids or what even kids will listen to - or who (cause I think maybe it could also be a who thing in this situation) - you can still attempt to give them a talk. And I think most kids run around with cards from their parents nowadays from how I've seen it. Like, if you've got a phone you've probably got a card. But this is all just some assumptions.

But all tweets (this is a tweet right?) are fake af and people just trying to be shocking and cute and like maybe down the line they can use their audience to do different monetary things. I mean like most the shit on Reddit was fake, so I can't imagine most the stuff on TwituhX is real either. So unless you having a late night rib just like - talk with your kids. About the stuff they should hear at the ages you think they should hear them. Or get your wife to do what you've got to do. And if you've got two partners you're probably open af and can legit find a way to broach the subject. I believe in you! Or bribe one of their older cousins with cash to talk with them. Cause legit, if my one cousin told me anything about sex I would hands down believe them. Just figure out which cousin they admire and BLAM, you've got an in.

Gl, you got this. Try not to rot your brains too much on bullshit, cause it's okay in moderation but I think I've read it can be bad for your health =P!

Forester ,
@Forester@yiffit.net avatar

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