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Is this normal for girls or just a extreme edge case? (Serious question)

I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

cashmaggot ,

Yo, I have to take a moment and shake you because I thought you were a cool tech dyke judging by your goofy ass name. But all things aside talk with your seemingly two partners? Or like, partner and actual friend? But also like, idk what open lines of communicaiton you have with kids or what even kids will listen to - or who (cause I think maybe it could also be a who thing in this situation) - you can still attempt to give them a talk. And I think most kids run around with cards from their parents nowadays from how I've seen it. Like, if you've got a phone you've probably got a card. But this is all just some assumptions.

But all tweets (this is a tweet right?) are fake af and people just trying to be shocking and cute and like maybe down the line they can use their audience to do different monetary things. I mean like most the shit on Reddit was fake, so I can't imagine most the stuff on TwituhX is real either. So unless you having a late night rib just like - talk with your kids. About the stuff they should hear at the ages you think they should hear them. Or get your wife to do what you've got to do. And if you've got two partners you're probably open af and can legit find a way to broach the subject. I believe in you! Or bribe one of their older cousins with cash to talk with them. Cause legit, if my one cousin told me anything about sex I would hands down believe them. Just figure out which cousin they admire and BLAM, you've got an in.

Gl, you got this. Try not to rot your brains too much on bullshit, cause it's okay in moderation but I think I've read it can be bad for your health =P!

YarrMatey ,

Most teens don’t want to put anything up there because it hurts, even tampons hurt as a virgin especially with 0 lube. I never liked regular dildos, most women do not orgasm through penetration. So I would say they are messing with you. I’ve had guys ask me if I ever experimented with pencils or rulers because if they were a girl they would do it. No, wtf only guys think women are like this.

cashmaggot ,

Yo, this is a real actual human person right here.

Men would be asking me the most heinous of shit and I literally had nothing to do with them. Like, what? I think things are better now, cause I'm older. But hot damn, the shit I was being asked if I reversed it I'd be like asking if when they are fucking a girl do they make sure to jizz on their face or some shit. Like wtf who the fuck asks this just sitting around talking to someone they just met or are (platonically, in a group) having some chow with!?

kofe ,

Uhh. Hi, woman here…RIP my inbox but I think it’s important parents talk to teenagers of all genders about this and consider having them look for toys they can experiment with if they express interest. Just because we don’t orgasm from penetration doesn’t mean it feels bad lol. Better they have toys available so they’re less likely to use something inappropriate.

YarrMatey ,

I agree parents should talk with their kids, I never meant to allude to that. But I disagree that penetration doesn’t feel bad, for me it feels painful without lube and with lube it feels not painful but never enjoyable. Vibrators are the only thing that feels good, that much is universal among the women I’ve talked to.

dharmacurious ,

Anything even remotely phallic shaped and sized has probably been used like that by someone. Depends on how horny you are, both in the moment, and as a person in general. I’m a guy, but during puberty, when I was exploring masturbation and bottoming, lemme tell you, nothing was safe from getting fucked or fucking me.

I wouldn’t be overly concerned about your produce, though. Most folks would toss it afterwards. If you notice your cucumbers or bananas going missing, then it might be cause for concern. But honestly, if your kids are at that age, and you’re genuinely concerned they’re doing something that might cause harm, the bigger concern is a lack of information about safe sex. A no questions asked Amazon gift card is one idea, but I’d recommend finding a good book or website you trust with sex Ed info, including safe solo sex practices, and an agreement that packages that come in their name aren’t to be opened by anyone else. In my experience, parents who trust their kids and don’t snoop or invade their privacy have way less to worry about from their kids than the parents who toss their rooms. My friends with the strictest parents had great hiding spots, I never even tried to find any. Didn’t need to hide anything, and as embarrassing as it would have been had I gotten a cucumber stuck up there or something, I would have been able to tell my mom and get a ride to the ER. If your kids seriously don’t trust you not to freak out, they could end up literally dying because the embarrassment would be worse than not dealing with a medical issue.

fraksken ,

Cucumbers are the gateway veg.

https://infosec.pub/pictrs/image/584af24e-40cd-4c23-b9bd-a66b17bee364.jpeg

Lemminary ,

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

That’d make you the coolest dad ever.

pete_the_cat ,

Or totally creep out your kids. “OMG dad knows what I’m doing! And he wants me to keep doing it apparently, I’m going to fucking die.”

It would probably be a lot less awkward coming from the mom. I feel like it would be like a father having the “period talk” with his daughter (obviously this happens in the case of single dads but that’s not the point I’m making), it’s super awkward for both parties involved.

jeffw ,
@jeffw@lemmy.world avatar

OP, does this happen with men? I need to know. Serious question

flambonkscious ,

Absolutely it does

Lemminary ,

I plead the fifth.

pete_the_cat ,

youtu.be/mdeo7Q2E5cE?si=xAt8xeWhOfSmJ9RL

pete_the_cat ,

We don’t fuck fruits if that’s what you’re asking. Other things are fair game though. A horny (pre) teenage boy will fuck damn near anything he can fit his dick in.

skullgiver ,
@skullgiver@popplesburger.hilciferous.nl avatar

With how many images I’ve seen online about action figures being stuck in someone’s colon, I find it hard to believe someone isn’t sticking a cucumber up their butt this very moment.

gregor ,
@gregor@gregtech.eu avatar

This post has Lemmy front page energy

solrize ,

I wouldn’t know first hand but there is a whole trope and many books about this.

duckduckgo.com/?q="cucumbers+are+better+than+men"

paddirn ,

Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.

pete_the_cat ,

I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.

When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.

JD Vance fucked a couch.

SynopsisTantilize ,

Good deflection buddy. You shared, which is the important part. Progress.

Sneptaur ,
@Sneptaur@pawb.social avatar

I have never met a woman who told me she did this, and I’ve certainly never done this. Toys exist for a reason.

DirigibleProtein ,

At the dinner table, ask your mom for the recipe because it tastes so good.

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.

That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

ByteOnBikes OP ,

Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.

Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.

I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.

Mouselemming ,

Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.

As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.

pete_the_cat ,

I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.

IronKrill ,

Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.

https://okrainmygarden.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Cucumber-two-smaller-cucumbers-hanging-on-trellis-768x768.jpg

Mothra ,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

I used to grow cucumbers. Garden cucumbers have a rep for flavour and texture, not girth. That’s a nice looking cucumber there, good job.

chemical_cutthroat ,
@chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world avatar

Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.

ByteOnBikes OP ,

her post may not be real, but is it a real thing?

chemical_cutthroat ,
@chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world avatar

Fucking yourself with a cucumber? Sure, if that’s all you got, get it, queen. I’d suggest something slightly more substantial, though.

meco03211 ,

The fuck you mean substantial?

AmidFuror ,

Watermelon.

chemical_cutthroat ,
@chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world avatar

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/5db42f23-b299-4e7c-9d46-2c73dcb643fd.gif

ekZepp ,
@ekZepp@lemmy.world avatar

Anything can become a sextoy… if you’re brave enough.

pete_the_cat ,

Eggplant, obviously

🍆🍆🍆

Mediocre_Bard ,

Oh … ouch.

DaGeek247 ,
@DaGeek247@fedia.io avatar

Take their 'joke' seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they're for, everything.

This way, if they weren't joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

Thorny_Insight , (edited )

Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

EDIT: Yeah I misread that

Chozo ,

OP was talking about his wife and her friend.

Deceptichum ,
@Deceptichum@quokk.au avatar

Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

thefartographer ,

Times are tough for underage dads in this cancel culture

catbum ,

And not to mention tough for their UNDERAGE CHILDREN!!!

^/s^

ABCDE ,

Carrots and cucumbers, yes. Rumours went around a neighbouring school after a girl confided in her friend, who then betrayed her trust.

They are cheap, easily accessible, and great replacements in countries where sex toys are illegal. Just… Use a condom around it please.

Oh, and don’t put it back in the fridge.

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