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How to know you'll turn out trans?

Hey there,

I recently found out Kris Tyson is now trans. She had a wife and a child before the transition. This kind of made me wonder. How can anyone be sure they won’t turn out trans? Like what made you (to any trans people out there) make the switch?

To add a little context. I am a man, straight maybe a tiny bit bi. I have a some traits/interests that would typically be “reserved” (please excuse my terminology here and there) for women.

For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.

However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity, and I like being a man who dances. (Okay granted, I did not like the eating disorder)

But it makes me “worried” if I do end up trans when I already have a wife and children. I want to know before I get all of that done you know what I mean? Tyson probably wanted too, now that I think about it.

Bottom line: How did most trans people know they were trans?

AFKBRBChocolate ,

However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body.

I’m not trans, but I believe that’s the key. You said “turn out trans,” but I believe most trans folks never really felt like they were in the right body, ever, though they might not have realized what it was that was wrong earlier. It’s not like people wake up one day and think, “oh shit, I’m trans!”

Sasha , (edited )

I am trans and I can say I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body, I think most of the time that’s just a relatively flawed way to describe an experience that can’t truely be understood unless you’ve experienced it.

Of course, no one has the same experience with these things and it’s entirely valid if everyone else does feel that way. For me it’s mostly just been that something felt like it was missing, and I fixed that when I began to transition. The main thing was how much happier the internal changes made me, estrogen changes how you experience emotions and being out to my family had a similar effect.

When it comes to “signs” the biggest was just being envious of people who had the freedom to express differently than me. I can confirm that it’s a gradual realisation, though honestly most of that was overcoming shame and internalised transphobia.

AFKBRBChocolate ,

Thanks for sharing that. I was repeating things trans people in my personal life have said, but as you point out, there’s no single universal experience.

Really glad to hear you’re happier now. It very much sucks that society (and individuals in society) made you feel badly for being who you are.

Brkdncr ,

Dancing and an eating disorder don’t make you bi. Same-gender attraction does.

FeelzGoodMan420 ,

This made me laugh, ha.

Sasha ,

Pretty sure my inability to use a chair correctly is what makes me bi, thinking everyone is hot is just a side effect

Catoblepas ,

It sounds like you’re worried enjoying activities and having personality traits typically associated with women means you may be trans, which could negatively affect your family life if you transitioned. I mean this in the nicest way possible: my therapist would probably call this catastrophizing. It’s coming from a kind place (you don’t want to potentially upset your family), but it’s several hypotheticals stacked on top of each other. Don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma would say.

Nobody is going to be able to give you a test to tell you with 100% confidence you aren’t trans, but if you’ve always felt comfortable with being a man and your anatomy, there is no reason to believe you will suddenly want to be a woman. Feminine men are no less men than masculine men. Some feminine men are even trans men! Being a man (gender identity) isn’t the same thing as acting masculine (gender expression).

So, all that said, what made me realize I’m trans is finding out trans men exist. Seriously, that was all it took. Before that I only knew trans women existed and thought I wasn’t “allowed” to be trans. Within maybe a month of thinking on it and reading accounts from other trans men, I knew I was trans.

Bilbo_Haggins ,

Cisgender woman here, I just wanted to add that if my husband were to come out as trans, that would not be a tragedy or something I wished he’d gotten figured out sooner for my sake. In this hypothetical scenario, if it somehow managed to make us incompatible as married partners we’d deal with it but people have gotten divorced for much worse reasons before. The worst part for me would be worrying if he’d been miserable during our marriage, because I love him and would hate for that to be his experience of our time together.

It’s really hard to imagine because AFAIK we’re both cis but personally I’d probably prefer to stay married to my spouse even if he changed his gender identity. I mean he’s still the same person I married and we still love the same things and have a wonderful life and child together. I dunno, maybe it wouldn’t work out in the end but I sure as hell wouldn’t be mad at him for something he couldn’t change.

Anyways, my point is you don’t have to assume that your relationships with cis people will all get blown up if you do happen to be trans. I appreciate the urge to have your ducks all in a row before embarking on significant life events but the truth is that marriage and adulthood is super messy anyways. If you marry someone and have a kid with them the odds are good you will have all sorts of chaotic events to deal with- physical illnesses, mental illnesses, kid stress or illness, weight gain or loss, money trouble, job changes, changes in personality with age, the list goes on and on. The trick to being happily married is rolling with the changes, working hard at your partnership, and being committed to your partner, not having it all perfectly lined up at the start.

karthnemesis ,
@karthnemesis@leminal.space avatar

If I wrote out a list of things I am interested in regarding my appearance that are gendered by society, I would think I was “a girl.” However, in practice, it was incredibly bad for me and being forced as such was a constant drain on me.

None of these stories are proof, but slowly realizing the sheer number of them from my past did indicate exploring was worthwhile:

  • I could not see myself growing into an old woman. I used to think that was only because I did not think I would live long enough to be as such.
    But the fact is, when first asked about it, the thought of growing into an old man actually sounded a bit nice.
  • I told every boyfriend I have ever had that I “might be trans” and asked them if they’d still stay with me as a man. It was very serious and very nonserious all at the same time.
  • I clung to masculine presentation, even if it often still felt wrong, because “masculine woman” felt closer to the “femme genderfluid man” I somewhat unconsciously wanted to be than "feminine woman."
  • When I first played a man in a TTRPG game, it was incredibly fun in a way that is hard to describe. Something like, just… comfortable, for the first time.
  • In preschool I demanded that the teachers use a male name and refer to me in character with male pronouns. This was not a one-off occurrence. I was very upset when they did not comply.
  • When I was older, when people mistook me for a man I would feel relief. When they “corrected” themselves I would go back to being miserable.
  • People using “ma’am” on me would make me extremely uncomfortable. Hearing the word “she” used for me made me oddly angry.
  • I hated people looking at me and perceiving me, and, worst of all, desiring me.

All of these were difficult to see at the time. Difficult to see all at the same time. It is hard to tell if you are miserable when you are constantly miserable. It takes perspective to put it all together. It takes self-examination, experimentation, experience. You are stuck in your own head, after all.

I did not feel like I was in the wrong body. I felt like I was trapped in expectations of what I could do to my body.

I won’t regret any of it even if I suddenly decide to “transition back.” My life is a journey and I will do whatever feels right for me. My body is my own. It’s done me so much good to be able to explore who I am.

My suggestion to those questioning is generally to “try out” your gender of choice somewhere completely inconsequential. Video games, a temporary account, etc. Quietly following trans spaces for a while can give some perspective as well.

I don’t care if I “know for certain” that I’m trans. I think trying to answer that question as some kind of solid certainty can often run counter to the entirety of being trans.

I’m happier in a testosterone-based system, I am comfortable in a way that I never was, and life feels like I have a future now. I made changes that made my life better, and only changes that made my life better.

Trans just happens to be an accurate label. Labels are tools, shortcuts in communication. Not prisons.

dactylotheca ,
@dactylotheca@suppo.fi avatar

I’m in my 40’s and trans, and ever since I was a child I knew I didn’t fit my assigned gender and it just felt… wrong. Took me a long time to understand this was me being trans and not me being “broken” somehow, thanks to a conservative upbringing, but basically I’ve known all my life.

TheAvarageNerd ,

I’m a somewhat gender nonconforming man. I have long hair. I enjoy wearing colorful, frilly clothes. I crossplay in videogames. I love reading shoujo mangas. There’s a bunch of very “unmanly” hobbies I have. And I’ve had this question for a while: what if I’m actually Trans, and just masking it with stuff I deem acceptable for a man?

Then, after about one year of living together, my flatmate came out to me as Trans. She realized/admitted it to herself a bit before moving in (we knew each other before, but we weren’t really close), and started experimentally wearing women’s clothes and doing makeup (and probably some other stuff) whenever I was away for the past half year. I was one of the first people she came out to.

Over the next few years I saw her transition a lot. I was there, when she came out to a couple of common friends, gave her the courage to come out to her family (which caused some issues in the beginning, but ultimately turned out good), experienced her fashion change from awkwardly hyper feminine (pink skirts, fishnets, an oversized bra stuffed with definitely too much TP) to something that suits her much more and feels natural to her body type (still skirts and stockings and bras, just less awkward). She even started HRT recently.

And throughout all this, I realized one thing: I fundamentally don’t empathyze with that aspect of her in any way, shape or form. Like, I understand rationally what she’s going through. I see her get visibly happier every step of the way. If I was Trans, and just couldn’t admit it to myself as I said in the beginning, I’d expect to feel something when looking at her changes. Maybe some jealousy or envy. Or at least some type of “I want that for me too” type of thing. But I don’t. Whenever my flatmate did a change, my only thoughts were : “great for you” and “I wouldn’t bother doing that for myself”.

Living with a trans woman made me fully realize that I am male. I’m very much ok with people putting me in the same group as people like Leonardo Di Caprio, Ghandi, Trump, the five year old boy next door, and the rest of more or less 50% of humans that have ever lived (I know that’s normative of the gender binary, but I couldn’t think of a way to phrase this without making it overly complicated). Yet I am fundamentally different from every one of those. So to me, it feels like I shouldn’t really place any value on being part of that group. I just know that I am, and that’s it.

As for you: talk to trans people. See if you can relate to them. Watch videos by trans creators. Experiment with stuff you consider to be feminine, and see if it makes you happy. Or if it makes you feel uncomfortable, try to figure out why. And if you find stuff you like, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are trans, though I believe that at some point that is strongly implied.

I have know idea what it actually means to be a man or a woman, or trans, or non-binary, or agender. I’ve just had an opportunity to figure out which of these groups I fit in. And I’ve realised that in the end, even though I know something about myself now, it doesn’t really matter.

Silentiea ,
@Silentiea@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

As for you: talk to trans people. See if you can relate to them.

I second this whole thing. Consider your gender. Spend a bit of time thinking about it. If you are trans and don’t know, it’s not something that’s going to suddenly start being true, you’re just going to put the pieces together.

Ookami38 ,

This post mirrors my own life way too eerily close. Roommate I lived (still do) with transitioned from male to female. I’ve always been pretty feminine and have, naturally, had the questions. Their transition really opened my eyes to what it all means, and helped me to realize that, nah, I’m fine with the body I have (well, okay, I still have some body problems, but it’s just cause I’m fat) and just like the things I like, and that’s ok.

pixeltree ,
@pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

It sounds like you actively enjoy your current gender identity. Most people who go on to change theirs don’t actively enjoy what it used to be, at best they generally just don’t feel connected to it. This was the case for me; I never felt manly, or enjoyed anything about being male. It didn’t bother me, but I never really connected to it.

Ultimately, the only thing required for you to be trans is that you decide you want to be; there isn’t some magic checklist of signs or requirements that if you meet, you’re trans. If you think you might be happier in life with a fem gender identity, it’s up to you whether or not to act on it.

pyre ,

dancing doesn’t make you a woman. feeling like a woman does. do you feel like you’re a woman? if not, you’re not a woman.

jol ,

I think this is way too simple to answer OP’s question. Not all trans women “feel like a woman” from birth. Otherwise way less people would come out as adults.

pyre ,

so? are you suggesting people should transition just in case they feel like a woman in the future? no. you do it when you feel like it. i just think op is too caught up on gender norms, and thinks going against them might indicate you’re trans. it’s not the case.

jol ,

How did you come to that conclusion from my comment?

pyre ,

it’s not a conclusion. I’m just saying that there’s one key element to being a woman. and it’s not dancing.

SnotFlickerman ,
@SnotFlickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

Gender and sexual identity are way more fluid than people want to give credit for.

So looking for a “final answer” at any point in your life might be biting off more than you can chew.

I’m a cis-man, but I’m personally with the Gender Anarchy folks. We’re stuck in weird gender roles that literally don’t matter anymore and maybe androgyny or things like it truly are the way forward.

Silentiea ,
@Silentiea@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I didn’t turn anything, I just found a way to say what I had already been feeling the whole time. I never felt like a “man” or a “boy” and just smiled and nodded when other people described me in those categories. I didn’t have the words, didn’t have a way to let other people know how I felt about myself until now, and still struggle with some people who still don’t understand.

I’m not a woman because I like nail polish, dresses, or unicorns, and I’m not not a woman because I like video games, dragons, and nerd shit. I’m a woman because that’s who I am, and once I realized that was “allowed” it was the only true way to say it. I’m not a feminine man and I never was, and while I don’t think I’m a particularly masculine woman, I didn’t think “looking girly stuff” or “liking manly stuff” is ever going to define who you are. If you honestly don’t know who you are, I can see it helping you figure it out, but if you are comfortable being who you are, you don’t need to change it.

match ,
@match@pawb.social avatar

The other posts all have some pretty good advice about how to tell if you’re trans so I wanted to add:

When you see a slogan like “trans rights are human rights”, I want you to know that trans rights are your rights too. You should have the right to do ballet if you want and not feel like you’re doing something weird or outside the norm, and I think it’s rational self-interest to support visible trans people for that reason! If transphobia went away then you wouldn’t need to feel weird about doing something gender nonconforming.

Duke_Nukem_1990 ,

You don’r become trans, you eventually realize that you are trans :)

About being sure: It took me a lot of self-reflection and I only found out Inwas trans when I was 31ish.

Sasha , (edited )

The real sign of being trans is if you go to egg_irl and start relating to almost everything lol /s kinda (sorry I haven’t got a clue how to link communities)

Tbh there’s no magic bullet to be sure, but if you fantasize about being a different gender that’s a pretty big one, cis people don’t do that.

I’ll add an edit: The only thing that confirmed it to me, was how excited I felt after I took hormones for the first time. Beginning them was terrifying, “what if I damage my body and I actually didn’t want this?” kinda stuff, but then I realised I wouldn’t have been waiting 6 months and been to all these appointments if I wasn’t, took the damn pill and felt amazing. It’s been ~9 months now and it’s made me insanely happy, that’s the only concrete proof I can offer to myself that I am in fact trans.

ValenThyme ,

egg_irl did in fact begin the process for me, like 8 years ago. Have the appt to get estrogen this week!

It was quite a surprise to learn that everybody doesn’t fantasize about being a girl at least a little!

Sasha ,

HELL YEAH!!! I’m so goddamn happy for you!!!

egg_irl was a big part of it for me too, it’s an awesome place

match ,
@match@pawb.social avatar

eyyy congrats!!

vaionko ,

sorry I haven’t got a clue how to link communities

!egg_irl

Ookami38 ,

You’re asking people to describe a qualic phenomenon. This thing, the feeling of being trans, isn’t really something someone can describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

Ultimately, what you’re describing to me is less trans, and more along the lines of how I am. I’m a cisgender male, but I’m also very feminine in certain areas. I paint my nails, I enjoy dancing, too, and I play female characters in games where I can make the character. I enjoy teaching, and nurturing. I have no desire to change my gender, or to conform any more strictly to one set of gender norms or the other.

So often, you’ll hear trans people say they always knew. I think that’s both the case, and a bit off. My guess is that they’ve always had a feeling SOMETHING was amiss, but weren’t really able to nail down the exact feeling until, well… They started considering transitioning.

Silentiea ,
@Silentiea@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

So often, you’ll hear trans people say they always knew. I think that’s both the case, and a bit off. My guess is that they’ve always had a feeling SOMETHING was amiss, but weren’t really able to nail down the exact feeling until, well… They started considering transitioning.

That’s almost exactly what I was trying to say with my top level comment.

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