How to know you'll turn out trans?

Resol , 6 hours ago

You can’t BECOME trans, you only find out that you are trans, and come out as such as a result.

Silentiea , 2 hours ago

I like “realize”. I knew there was such a thing as a “sex change surgery” and even looked into it from a technical perspective because it intrigued me. It’s fantasized about moving to a new city and getting one; starting over.

I’d heard an offhand version of David Reimer’s story as kind of a conservative horror story. I’d seen movies and tv shows make plenty of fun of people who “pretended” to be “the wrong sex”. Monty Python’s “lady penis” scene still pops into my head sometimes.

I knew trans people existed and I’d seen a couple of people with “they/them” on their name badge. But I never really put together that those things were “real” in a meaningful way, or applicable to me and my experiences.

So then I kind of realized what it all meant.

Silentiea , 6 hours ago

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I didn’t turn anything, I just found a way to say what I had already been feeling the whole time. I never felt like a “man” or a “boy” and just smiled and nodded when other people described me in those categories. I didn’t have the words, didn’t have a way to let other people know how I felt about myself until now, and still struggle with some people who still don’t understand.

I’m not a woman because I like nail polish, dresses, or unicorns, and I’m not not a woman because I like video games, dragons, and nerd shit. I’m a woman because that’s who I am, and once I realized that was “allowed” it was the only true way to say it. I’m not a feminine man and I never was, and while I don’t think I’m a particularly masculine woman, I didn’t think “looking girly stuff” or “liking manly stuff” is ever going to define who you are. If you honestly don’t know who you are, I can see it helping you figure it out, but if you are comfortable being who you are, you don’t need to change it.

Illuminostro , 7 hours ago

It’s not a choice, they know from a very young age if they feel they’re in the wrong gendered body. Whether they decide to publicly present that is another matter.

TheAvarageNerd , 9 hours ago

I’m a somewhat gender nonconforming man. I have long hair. I enjoy wearing colorful, frilly clothes. I crossplay in videogames. I love reading shoujo mangas. There’s a bunch of very “unmanly” hobbies I have. And I’ve had this question for a while: what if I’m actually Trans, and just masking it with stuff I deem acceptable for a man?

Then, after about one year of living together, my flatmate came out to me as Trans. She realized/admitted it to herself a bit before moving in (we knew each other before, but we weren’t really close), and started experimentally wearing women’s clothes and doing makeup (and probably some other stuff) whenever I was away for the past half year. I was one of the first people she came out to.

Over the next few years I saw her transition a lot. I was there, when she came out to a couple of common friends, gave her the courage to come out to her family (which caused some issues in the beginning, but ultimately turned out good), experienced her fashion change from awkwardly hyper feminine (pink skirts, fishnets, an oversized bra stuffed with definitely too much TP) to something that suits her much more and feels natural to her body type (still skirts and stockings and bras, just less awkward). She even started HRT recently.

And throughout all this, I realized one thing: I fundamentally don’t empathyze with that aspect of her in any way, shape or form. Like, I understand rationally what she’s going through. I see her get visibly happier every step of the way. If I was Trans, and just couldn’t admit it to myself as I said in the beginning, I’d expect to feel something when looking at her changes. Maybe some jealousy or envy. Or at least some type of “I want that for me too” type of thing. But I don’t. Whenever my flatmate did a change, my only thoughts were : “great for you” and “I wouldn’t bother doing that for myself”.

Living with a trans woman made me fully realize that I am male. I’m very much ok with people putting me in the same group as people like Leonardo Di Caprio, Ghandi, Trump, the five year old boy next door, and the rest of more or less 50% of humans that have ever lived (I know that’s normative of the gender binary, but I couldn’t think of a way to phrase this without making it overly complicated). Yet I am fundamentally different from every one of those. So to me, it feels like I shouldn’t really place any value on being part of that group. I just know that I am, and that’s it.

As for you: talk to trans people. See if you can relate to them. Watch videos by trans creators. Experiment with stuff you consider to be feminine, and see if it makes you happy. Or if it makes you feel uncomfortable, try to figure out why. And if you find stuff you like, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are trans, though I believe that at some point that is strongly implied.

I have know idea what it actually means to be a man or a woman, or trans, or non-binary, or agender. I’ve just had an opportunity to figure out which of these groups I fit in. And I’ve realised that in the end, even though I know something about myself now, it doesn’t really matter.

Silentiea , 6 hours ago

As for you: talk to trans people. See if you can relate to them.

I second this whole thing. Consider your gender. Spend a bit of time thinking about it. If you are trans and don’t know, it’s not something that’s going to suddenly start being true, you’re just going to put the pieces together.

Ookami38 , 4 hours ago

This post mirrors my own life way too eerily close. Roommate I lived (still do) with transitioned from male to female. I’ve always been pretty feminine and have, naturally, had the questions. Their transition really opened my eyes to what it all means, and helped me to realize that, nah, I’m fine with the body I have (well, okay, I still have some body problems, but it’s just cause I’m fat) and just like the things I like, and that’s ok.

Laurentide , 11 hours ago

If you feel like a man, like being a man, and enjoy having man parts, you’re probably a man. Your interests are not your gender, and dancing isn’t exclusive to women. Even ballet has male dancers.

Still, a little bit of exploration never hurt anybody. If you are trans, if living as another gender would make you much happier, wouldn’t you want to know sooner rather than later? And if you aren’t trans, you might still learn a thing or two about yourself that you never would have discovered otherwise. Most people go their whole lives without ever questioning their gender or closely examining what it means to them, and I think they’re missing out. There is power in truly knowing yourself.

Do some thinking. Ask more questions. Not just to others, but to yourself as well. What do you like about being a man? Can you imagine not being one? How does that image make you feel? If you could instantly become anything, with no rules or consequences, what would you pick? Don’t shut anything down; there are no wrong answers. Allow yourself the freedom to explore.

It may help you to stop thinking in the binary terms that society imposes on us. Gender isn’t just a question of Male or Female; there are many different kinds of men and many different kinds of women. There is a large area in between where the two overlap and the lines get fuzzy, and even places that aren’t on the same spectrum at all. I myself am a demigirl. My gender identity is mostly female, but also a little bit male and a little bit something else. You don’t need to feel obligated to be what anyone else is.

As for how I found out, I’ve already posted that elsewhere in this thread. It looks like you’ve gotten a lot of answers from others as well. I wish you good luck in wherever this journey takes you.

Wilzax , 11 hours ago

If you could instantly become anything, with no rules or consequences, what would you pick? Don’t shut anything down; there are no wrong answers. Allow yourself the freedom to explore.

What’s the point of imagining a change with no consequences? Isn’t that effectively the same as no change at all?

HereIAm , 10 hours ago

I think they mean no consequences as in friends and family won’t have any upsetting reaction, work will still be the same, and so on. Like picking male or female in a game, it rarely matters what you pick, the game just rolls with it.

Laurentide , 10 hours ago

Yes, I meant no negative or unintended consequences.

Silentiea , 6 hours ago

I agree with the other replies too, but also yes. The hardest thing for some people to understand about my transition is that I don’t want to be a different person than I was before. I’m not trying to change who I am. I just want to live who I have always been where people can see it in a way they couldn’t before.

ealoe , 16 hours ago

I think the term you might identify with more is “gender nonconforming” meaning you enjoy things that are not traditionally associated with your gender, but you’re happy with your gender and body the way they are. If you felt dysphoric/uncomfortable with your body that would be more trans. Hope that helps, whatever you choose to label it doesn’t matter too much just be what makes you most comfortable!

OneWomanCreamTeam , 1 day ago

There is no realizing that you’ll turn out trans, because by realizing that you are realizing that you are trans.

Ookami38 , 1 day ago

You’re asking people to describe a qualic phenomenon. This thing, the feeling of being trans, isn’t really something someone can describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

Ultimately, what you’re describing to me is less trans, and more along the lines of how I am. I’m a cisgender male, but I’m also very feminine in certain areas. I paint my nails, I enjoy dancing, too, and I play female characters in games where I can make the character. I enjoy teaching, and nurturing. I have no desire to change my gender, or to conform any more strictly to one set of gender norms or the other.

So often, you’ll hear trans people say they always knew. I think that’s both the case, and a bit off. My guess is that they’ve always had a feeling SOMETHING was amiss, but weren’t really able to nail down the exact feeling until, well… They started considering transitioning.

Silentiea , 6 hours ago

So often, you’ll hear trans people say they always knew. I think that’s both the case, and a bit off. My guess is that they’ve always had a feeling SOMETHING was amiss, but weren’t really able to nail down the exact feeling until, well… They started considering transitioning.

That’s almost exactly what I was trying to say with my top level comment.

Duke_Nukem_1990 , 1 day ago

You don’r become trans, you eventually realize that you are trans :)

About being sure: It took me a lot of self-reflection and I only found out Inwas trans when I was 31ish.

pyre , 1 day ago

dancing doesn’t make you a woman. feeling like a woman does. do you feel like you’re a woman? if not, you’re not a woman.

jol , 1 day ago

I think this is way too simple to answer OP’s question. Not all trans women “feel like a woman” from birth. Otherwise way less people would come out as adults.

pyre , 1 day ago

so? are you suggesting people should transition just in case they feel like a woman in the future? no. you do it when you feel like it. i just think op is too caught up on gender norms, and thinks going against them might indicate you’re trans. it’s not the case.

jol , 21 hours ago

How did you come to that conclusion from my comment?

pyre , 14 hours ago

it’s not a conclusion. I’m just saying that there’s one key element to being a woman. and it’s not dancing.

vzq , 1 day ago

Ask your mom. Moms always know ;)

Bilbo_Haggins , 1 day ago

Cisgender woman here, I just wanted to add that if my husband were to come out as trans, that would not be a tragedy or something I wished he’d gotten figured out sooner for my sake. In this hypothetical scenario, if it somehow managed to make us incompatible as married partners we’d deal with it but people have gotten divorced for much worse reasons before. The worst part for me would be worrying if he’d been miserable during our marriage, because I love him and would hate for that to be his experience of our time together.

It’s really hard to imagine because AFAIK we’re both cis but personally I’d probably prefer to stay married to my spouse even if he changed his gender identity. I mean he’s still the same person I married and we still love the same things and have a wonderful life and child together. I dunno, maybe it wouldn’t work out in the end but I sure as hell wouldn’t be mad at him for something he couldn’t change.

Anyways, my point is you don’t have to assume that your relationships with cis people will all get blown up if you do happen to be trans. I appreciate the urge to have your ducks all in a row before embarking on significant life events but the truth is that marriage and adulthood is super messy anyways. If you marry someone and have a kid with them the odds are good you will have all sorts of chaotic events to deal with- physical illnesses, mental illnesses, kid stress or illness, weight gain or loss, money trouble, job changes, changes in personality with age, the list goes on and on. The trick to being happily married is rolling with the changes, working hard at your partnership, and being committed to your partner, not having it all perfectly lined up at the start.

karthnemesis , 1 day ago

If I wrote out a list of things I am interested in regarding my appearance that are gendered by society, I would think I was “a girl.” However, in practice, it was incredibly bad for me and being forced as such was a constant drain on me.

None of these stories are proof, but slowly realizing the sheer number of them from my past did indicate exploring was worthwhile:

• I could not see myself growing into an old woman. I used to think that was only because I did not think I would live long enough to be as such.
  But the fact is, when first asked about it, the thought of growing into an old man actually sounded a bit nice.
• I told every boyfriend I have ever had that I “might be trans” and asked them if they’d still stay with me as a man. It was very serious and very nonserious all at the same time.
• I clung to masculine presentation, even if it often still felt wrong, because “masculine woman” felt closer to the “femme genderfluid man” I somewhat unconsciously wanted to be than "feminine woman."
• When I first played a man in a TTRPG game, it was incredibly fun in a way that is hard to describe. Something like, just… comfortable, for the first time.
• In preschool I demanded that the teachers use a male name and refer to me in character with male pronouns. This was not a one-off occurrence. I was very upset when they did not comply.
• When I was older, when people mistook me for a man I would feel relief. When they “corrected” themselves I would go back to being miserable.
• People using “ma’am” on me would make me extremely uncomfortable. Hearing the word “she” used for me made me oddly angry.
• I hated people looking at me and perceiving me, and, worst of all, desiring me.

All of these were difficult to see at the time. Difficult to see all at the same time. It is hard to tell if you are miserable when you are constantly miserable. It takes perspective to put it all together. It takes self-examination, experimentation, experience. You are stuck in your own head, after all.

I did not feel like I was in the wrong body. I felt like I was trapped in expectations of what I could do to my body.

I won’t regret any of it even if I suddenly decide to “transition back.” My life is a journey and I will do whatever feels right for me. My body is my own. It’s done me so much good to be able to explore who I am.

My suggestion to those questioning is generally to “try out” your gender of choice somewhere completely inconsequential. Video games, a temporary account, etc. Quietly following trans spaces for a while can give some perspective as well.

I don’t care if I “know for certain” that I’m trans. I think trying to answer that question as some kind of solid certainty can often run counter to the entirety of being trans.

I’m happier in a testosterone-based system, I am comfortable in a way that I never was, and life feels like I have a future now. I made changes that made my life better, and only changes that made my life better.

Trans just happens to be an accurate label. Labels are tools, shortcuts in communication. Not prisons.

match , 1 day ago

The other posts all have some pretty good advice about how to tell if you’re trans so I wanted to add:

When you see a slogan like “trans rights are human rights”, I want you to know that trans rights are your rights too. You should have the right to do ballet if you want and not feel like you’re doing something weird or outside the norm, and I think it’s rational self-interest to support visible trans people for that reason! If transphobia went away then you wouldn’t need to feel weird about doing something gender nonconforming.

surewhynotlem , 1 day ago

IANA trans person.

From what I’ve heard, a big factor is body dysmorphia. Do you look at your chest and think it’d feel more right with boobs on it? Does the idea of facial hair seem like it could never be “you”?

You don’t have to be all man all the time. You can like feminine things. That doesn’t mean you’re actually a woman. There’s plenty of shades of grey.

Duke_Nukem_1990 , 1 day ago (edited 1 day ago)

Nitpick: it’s body dysphoria, not dysmorphia. The latter makes you actively see your body differently from what it is.

surewhynotlem , 1 day ago

Thanks! I didn’t realize there were two different words.