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Zachariah ,
@Zachariah@lemmy.world avatar

“I don’t want to sleep with you.”
is often
“I don’t want you to exist.”

MentalEdge , (edited )
@MentalEdge@sopuli.xyz avatar

But not always. I’m absolutely behind the point you’re making about some people, but if someone wants you dead, it’s usually not subtle.

I’ve met people who use this logic to turn absolutely vicious towards people who have otherwise shown nothing but kindness.

Smoking is an instant nope for me, and for that I’ve had some girls react like I think smoking makes a person abhorrent and undeserving of love.

(No, I’m not saying trans people can “quit” being trans the way smokers can quit smoking. Just saying that even if a piece of logic is valid, it should be applied with care.)

prettybunnys ,

But smokers are abhorrent and nobody deserves love

MentalEdge ,
@MentalEdge@sopuli.xyz avatar

Smokers are victims of marketing.

Everybody needs love, if only from themselves.

Repelle ,

Sometimes it’s “I want to sleep with you, but I don’t want to want to sleep with you.”

TheLowestStone ,
@TheLowestStone@lemmy.world avatar

Or “I want to sleep with you but I’d rather you die than have anyone find out.”

1984 ,
@1984@lemmy.today avatar

Maybe in the heads of trans people but not really. I understand it’s easy to think everyone hates you, but if you believe that, you are no longer open to seeing the alternative and you see what you expect everywhere.

You can exist just fine but for some reason, it doesn’t seem enough to exist. Quite often trans people feel they have to showcase their sexuality, instead of just chilling and being cool with it like everyone else.

MentalEdge ,
@MentalEdge@sopuli.xyz avatar

I made the a similar point in that if you look for hate, you can end up finding it even when it isn’t there.

But this argument is weird:

Quite often trans people feel they have to showcase their sexuality, instead of just chilling and being cool with it like everyone else.

That type of “often” is an illusion, since you can’t know how large the group of people that don’t make themselves obvious is.

And plenty of straight cis people engage in the exact same behaviour, broadcasting their sexual identity. It’s not something everyone wants to do, but it’s absolutely something everyone gets to do.

1984 ,
@1984@lemmy.today avatar

That’s true. I have no idea about the size of the group.

ekky ,

I’ve heard of people who have complained about trans people showing up in their dating feed, mixed in with the cis population, being labelled as “transphobes” and harassed, but good to know that we’ve overcome that.

lugal ,

Isn’t the idea of the dating feed that you can choose whom to date and whom to ignore?

saltesc ,

The point of a feed is to literally show what you want. If someone wants to fake their age, gender, or wealth for a chance of sliding into someone else’s DMs, just to get caught and retaliate by projecting it back on them as the bad person, then that person is a literal psychopath and I hope it doesn’t escalate.

lugal ,

The point of a feed is to literally show what you want.

So the algorithm behind the feed is to blame when you get bad suggestions. Btw: showing only perfect matches makes people spend less time on the app and therefore they mix in bad suggestions deliberately. Blame the profit motive.

If someone wants to fake their age, gender, or wealth for a chance of sliding into someone else’s DMs, just to get caught and retaliate by projecting it back on them as the bad person, then that person is a literal psychopath and I hope it doesn’t escalate.

While this is true, I don’t see the relevance.

saltesc ,

Because when someone has not selected a category for their feed, but that category appears in it, it means those mismatches are appearing because of intentional deception, hoping it works. That’s deviant behaviour. And when someone blows a whistle, they should not be the one punished for it.

How is that not relevant to the situation in that original comment? We just making exceptions now?

lugal ,

The original comment was about trans people in the feed, not about people lying about their age or gender or what ever.

saltesc ,

No, it was primarily about non-cis in cis. This whole post isn’t about trans people. Whether that be <insert any non-cis thing here> or whatever, it only occurs because of a) mistake or b) devious action. The point of that comment was raising how those that call it out are ridiculed instead.

As I said, this applies to anything; age, gender, backstory, images, etc. You specifically focusing on trans people makes no difference in whether it is less wrong. That is just the theme of the same behaviour, pick whatever theme you want, that is not the point and it shouldn’t be glossed over, “Oh, it’s fine for this group but not others.”

lugal ,

I still don’t get it. Are there dating apps exclusively for cis people? Do non-cis people write into their bio that they are cis? Is this a thing that people explicitly say they are cis while they are not?
Or is the problem that cis normative people assume, the other is cis for no reason other than it’s the supposed default?

ekky ,

Partly. A feed is typically a set of rules showing you only your interests and filtering out everything else, and within this subset you then go about choosing.

Ideally we would not only have “women\men\bi” categories, but also “orthodox (cis only)\regular(mixed)\frisky(trans only)” categories. Otherwise, we might run into the problems which Saltesc describes, now that being trans is becoming more commonplace.

There needs to be space for everybody (or “everybody whom I don’t mind” depending on who you ask, sad lol), but while choices always have some consequences, we need to be careful that our freedom of choice doesn’t become another’s choice of freedom. I think trans people are (sadly) very well acquainted with this.

bloubz ,

Those are being transphobic, yes

But eh, one act does not define a person

saltesc , (edited )

Whether someone’s life and identity is fully involved with society’s labels and categories or not; when participating in society, they gotta play by its rules for the sake of everyone that isn’t them. Though, of course, they’ll still be subject to condemnation by those that prey on the opportunity to deliver it.

In reality, those people are as “phobic” as anyone clicking the BBD category and getting hentai vids popping up instead. It’s not what they’re into and it’s not what they came there for. Breaking those categories and labels is intentional deception that will result in no reward and only harm. It is in no consideration of others and who they are, for sake of potential and unlikely self-gain. It is entirely self-centered to fake something and lie, in hopes of taking advantage of other people. This is exceptionally cruel in a psychosocial environment, especially a sexual one. And then to play a “phobia” card, it’s a predatory move.

vzq ,

This post is massive chaser erasure.

We need more chaser erasure.

Mediocre_Bard ,

What is chaser erasure?

Lemjukes ,

Chaser: someone who fetishizes trans or other non hetero-normative people and pursues them as sexual objects.

Erasure refers to the deliberate or unintentional removal, omission, or invalidation of LGBTQIA+(though it can apply to any marginalized group really) identities, histories, and contributions from cultural, social, and institutional recognition.

Op is joking this post is ‘chaser erasure’ because it does not depict someone exhibiting that behavior and instead shows someone claiming they do not want to sleep with trans people.

foggy ,

I’ve always contended that you shouldn’t care about what turns someone on unless you wanna fuck em.

lseif ,

excluding liking kids or animals. and relatives or nonconsenting people if relevant

lmaydev ,

What goes on between two or more non related consenting adults is no ones business but their own.

Track_Shovel ,

I just genuinely don’t care what people do in their bedroom.

where_am_i ,

I like women, I sleep with cis women. I do not want to sleep with trans women. By my personal assessment I’m somewhat transphobic and need to work on that.

Checkmate, lemmy.

humbletightband ,

Everybody has their preferences and we often make fun of it.

  • She wants a wealthy partner, she’s a golddigger
  • he wants a gf with big tits - mommy issues
  • he doesn’t want a gf with a penis, he’s a big piece of transphobic shit

See, it’s just the way we communicate

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