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My friend JD Vance has never cuddled a couch.

It’s not true, folks. The lying liberal media wants you to think he’d shag a settee. That he’d bone a book stand. That he’s creamied on the credenza.

Don’t trust them. My beautiful boy JD, he’d never do it! He’s chaste with the chaises. He’s never loved a loveseat.

My VP would never fuck furniture.

son_named_bort ,

Well, I didn’t think he had sex with Jell-O, but this letter is making me questioning it.

vxx ,

Gen-Z had entered the contest it seems.

N0body ,

LBJ: Let’s spread a rumor that he’s a pigfucker.

Aide: But he never fucked a pig…

LBJ: I know. I just want to hear him deny it.

toasteecup ,

Vance has fucked a couch

modifier ,

Their silence on the geese claims speaks volumes, however.

GBU_28 ,

Certainly not silence from the goosen consortium

solsangraal ,

LOL whatever you say. couchfucker.

FartsWithAnAccent ,
@FartsWithAnAccent@fedia.io avatar

You know what? It's 2024, I don't really care if you fuck couches.

There, I said it.

marcos ,

That.

I care really a lot if you accuse somebody of being Hitler and then go work for him. But fuck anybody caring about fucking couches.

GBU_28 ,

First it’s just the couch.

Then it’s the couch with your wife on it.

Then it’s your wife.

This is a documented progression of predatory behavior

entropicshart ,

Lenny needs some flair or global politics filter

Ioughttamow ,

Gives a new meaning to loveseat

JoMiran ,
@JoMiran@lemmy.ml avatar

…to completion…

Interesting specificity.

Is this satire? It is really hard to tell in this reality.

dmMeYourNudes ,

Sadly I’m only 80% sure it’s satire

ReallyActuallyFrankenstein ,

It’s fake, Mountain Dew isn’t mentioned once.

Fuck_u_spez_ ,

Even for him, that was such a weird comment. Do we have his financial disclosures yet? I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that he owns PepsiCo stock.

ReallyActuallyFrankenstein ,

I would actually be surprised if he releases anything of value. Trump refused to release his taxes, and emulating Trump’s destruction of democratic norms is a base-ante show of fealty right now.

dditty ,

Sadly it is satire

www.snopes.com/…/jd-vance-couch-cushions/

crusa187 ,

This stood out to me as well, and I too find myself potentially eating the onion on this one.

What a time to be alive!

Diplomjodler3 ,

If God didn’t want us to shag couches, why did he make them so damn sexy?

thefartographer ,

To test those strong in will and trusting in faith.

And God forbade Moses from inserting himself between the couch cushion or folding the pillows in half for pleasure. A second and third time, God commanded Moses, “thou shalt not hump the armrest whilst spanking thyself and going ‘ungh ungh ungh ungh!’”

As Moses mounted the backrest of the couch, God told Moses he was starting to get pissed off. “What?! I can’t even make love to the back cushions?!” Moses exclaimed. “No, not upon any part of the couch shall you spread your seed, I just had it reupholstered.”

Defiantly, Moses did then crap upon his own hand and smeared his filth upon God’s couch. God grew impatient and chided Moses, “You bastard! I’ll fucking kill you before you ever reach Israel for that!” And He saw that it was good while Moses made faces at God and falsely claimed he did not wish to enter Israel anyway.

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