When I got sterilized, the doctor asked me if I was in a committed relationship. Told him I was. Then he said that I need to treat this as permanent. Told him it wasn’t a problem. He pushed a little more but inevitable told him that if things changed and I ended up with a woman who wanted children, adoption was an option. That ended it for me, and I was able to get the procedure done. I don’t know if this is typical for men, but that was my experience.
I got a vasectomy when I was 31 and have never looked back. Would highly recommend it if you’re committed to being child free. Was a simple discussion with my (male) GP and after a few questions to make sure I understood the implications and that I had thought it through he gave me the referral.
I really feel bad for women - they have so much more stigma and a harder time with this in general, even in progressive countries.
My mom knows that I absolutely do not want kids. Like, the idea of being a parent makes me feel physically ill. She is still hoping that she’ll get grandchildren. Last time she told me she’s still hopeful that I’ll change my mind, I got rude and told her to fuck off with that shit. I told her that she needs to keep that kind of thing to herself and that telling me that repeatedly feels very disrespectful.
That was about 6 months ago. She hasn’t brought it up since. This branch of the family tree ends with me and that’s totally fine imo. Everything has to end eventually. My mom’s in total denial about that fact.
This happened to me in the USA. I told the doctor I want to be sterilized and neither my husband nor I wanted kids.
He told me it would be unethical. My husband might die and then my new husband would want children. I told him I would not change my mind, and such a man would be incompatible for marriage with me. He told me I’d change my mind. So basically, yes some hypothetical future man would want to use me for a baby factory, that’s why I can’t be sterilized.
I was 30. I’m older now, still don’t want them. I’m too ashamed to ask again for sterilization. My husband has a vasectomy scheduled soon (weird how a doctor had no problem doing that for him. Wonder what the difference is???)
I think the doctor thinks of your husband as a baby factory manager and as he wants the baby factory out of operation it is his choice. Now if he died a new manager could start up the factory again. I know this is extremely fucked up and there is no reason you should not be able to get sterilised but it is a fucked up world we live in.
Easier said than done, anyway. I was just shocked he said that. I’m sure if I wanted his statement in writing he would have written something like “I don’t recommend this for women who have not yet had children because there are plenty of other effective treatments like [etc]” and nobody would care.
Someone at my work was told something similar by a different doctor (in a different state!) that he wouldn’t sterilize her because she wasn’t married. She had 3 children already in her mid twenties.
Pushing back on this stuff is a battle that shouldn’t have to take place on the personal level. We’re going backwards in women’s healthcare in America, too.
I’m 58, child free. I think it depends on the reasons you don’t hand kids ? If its just so you can party, those reaosns will likely change.
My first wife and I were on the same page, so I had a vasectomy, she didn’t need to be on the pill,.albeit her reasons for CF were differnt to mine. I didn’t want them mainly for ecological reasons, too many people on a small planet, that has only become more urgent since, so those reasons haven’t changed, if that makes sense ?
My current parter had 2 kids from a previous marriage but she had them young and they were grown up, moved away to other cities with thier own lives when we hooked up. She loves then dearly and is proud of them but has said she’d never have had kids knowing what she knows now.
I could always have adopted, the world is full of unwanted kids, no need to bring more into the world.
I have some sense of where you are coming from. I remember having mixed feelings when a friend of mine said they were trying to conceive with their partner: happy for them, but also sad knowing the friendship would probably change, and bad for feeling sad.
I also have to commend you for understanding that you need friends beyond your boyfriend/girlfriend. Not everyone understands this!
Most people of that age group raise kids. This has been normal for as long as humans exist. If you derive from the norm, you simply have to live with the consequences.
Turning onself into the pink monkey is not always a good survival strategy.
Has nothing to do with diverging from the norm. If OP had kids he’d have the same problem. If anything it would be worse because he wouldn’t have time for anything other then dealing with their kids.
What a poor contribution to the thread… I am well aware of the consequences, and I am highlighting one specific consequence that I am seeking advice on how to deal with. I am specifically asking for stories from people who have had good success either maintaining adult friendships despite divergence in lifestyles, or establishing new adult friendships. Your comment brings nothing to the table.
I interpret your last comment as “going with the flow” in order to “survive”. If that is a strategy that somehow brings you fulfillment in life, good on you. I am very comfortable with my choice of not having kids, but as with everything, there are trade-offs, and I’m just looking for ways to navigate those. As the commenter below pointed out: the situation would be worse if I had kids myself, as I would anyway have to forego the kinds of adult interactions I’ve described (and am missing), and I would instead rely on enjoying the new type of children centric interactions. I sincerely doubt I would.
The problem is, everything literally will revolve around their kids. Want to get together and watch the game? Sorry, all day cocomelon party on tv now. Want to sit around a fire and chat? Sorry, too dangerous for the kids. Just want to sit and chill? Sorry, the kids will be running through the house screaming. Want to hit the new, trendy restaurant? Sorry, we need a place with chicken nuggets on the kids menu. Want to just have a conversation? Sorry, the only thing they can talk about is their kids now. Want to just get together? Sorry, I’ll have to hind time between the playdates/dance/gymnastics/sports/whatever the kids have scheduled.
Sure, maybe that isn’t always the case, but it often is.
This hasn’t been my experience with friends with kids. They’re mostly babies and toddlers right now but I mean a kid can be supervised around a camp fire. And most kids are in bed at like 830 and then you can hang for a few hours of adult time. It seems to me that they get enough of their kids and are happy to talk about grown up shit for a while when I see them. And any of my friends who like sports have got their kids watching sports with them since they were tiny. Those kids know the hockey game is staying on.
Its a bit harder to hang out but honestly I find I see them as much as my child free friends. Its just hard to find mutual time off in general now that we all have jobs and live apart and shit.
It’ll be easier for them to get baby sitters when the kids are a bit more selfreliant when they’re a bit older too. But you do have to get some child free friends too, like not too many of my friends with kids are going to be hitting up too many music festivals with me for a while I reckon.
This hasn’t been my experience with friends with kids.
Perhaps it is not everyone’s experience, but it is a common experience.
And most kids are in bed at like 830 and then you can hang for a few hours of adult time.
No. I hit the bed not long after. I go to work early and try to be in bed by 10. I am not waiting up all night just because that is the only adult time you can find.
Kids are a complication but not a wall. It’s hard to be friends with folks who are busy without kids let alone with them but the once a month lunch you go to get means the world to them. Sometimes you just have to be cool with hearing, “I can’t because…” a lot.
As for new friends you gotta go and do stuff, you have to put yourself in a place where you are just enjoying yourself around people doing a thing first. Those folks might have kids too but they have carved out this one evening to do their thing and you can be there to enjoy it with them and make friends.
Honestly I’m saying this a bit as an affirmation because I struggle with the same thing of not having a deep social pocket outside of friends who moved away or had kids
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