jeanoappleseed

pathfinder , 1 day ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

"I realise I owe myself a hell of a lot of forgiveness."

I wrote this as part of an answer to a thread a while ago. And yet the more I've continued to think about it, the more I've come to see how true it is. It may be a late-diagnosed thing, but in many ways I can't help thinking that it applies to all of us in some way. Because so many of us carry memories of shame and trauma that revolve around the way we dealt with things and acted in the past and I don't mean the obvious trauma moments, but so often the everyday moments of our lives where we just acted naturally.

A good example of this for me was being taken as a kid ice-skating for my birthday. Now in context, I was never a good ice-skater, by any stretch of the imagination, and that day the rink was very crowded and noisy. So I was being bumped and at times shoved and shouted at a lot for getting in people's way. Also, my left ankle was getting more and more painful for some unknown reason (although it turned out to be simply one shoe being bigger than the other and so of course not supporting my ankle properly) and in the end I couldn't take it any more and I stormed off the rink in tears of pain and frustration and in the process rudely pushed past a kid I knew from school. Needless to say, when my mother caught up with me changing back into my shoes, she was not a happy bunny that I'd ruined this special trip by getting so upset over, as she saw it, nothing and so, of course, I blamed myself for it too.

Now I don't really know why this moment in particular has always stuck in my mind, mostly feeling guilty about how rude I'd been to that kid, I think. Because there were so many other treats and special trips or just regular moments as a child that I had also somehow ruined, through being picky, or something not being the way I expected, or wanted somehow, or because I got over-emotional, or, as often as not, because I wasn't grateful enough, or somehow not grateful enough in the right way. But, it's certainly a good example of how the perception of those times has governed my memory and subsequent actions and also how I was treated because of it.

Because of moments like this I ended up blaming myself for so much (because obviously I should have been able to cope with something as simple as having a loose shoe and the rink being so crowded) and it led me to becoming something of a control freak where I was concerned. If I could control my expectations and reactions, if I could control my temper and emotions, then things like this wouldn't happen. I wouldn't keep being a disappointment. I wouldn't keep making mistakes. In fact, I became so obsessed with doing this that control became my king, to the point where it was all that mattered. Because how else was I going to stop feeling such a failure?

For my Mother and family, I think, it was just another example of a pattern of behaviour that went on to colour how they viewed me for the rest of my life. I was too volatile, too quick to anger, too prone to losing control and letting the family down. I wasn't, in fact, to be trusted, not in certain circumstances and it wasn't until very recently that I've come to realise how much this went on to shape how they treated me. The information and situations that they kept from me, although whether to protect me, or themselves, I'm not entirely sure.

In fact, whether we knew about our autism or not, for so many of us this was the story of our lives. The way other's perception of our behaviour determined how they dealt with us and as children how we then went on to view ourselves because of it and how that was carried on into our adult lives and it's what I mean about owing ourselves forgiveness. Because now that I can see things better, I can see how stressful and overwhelming that day at the rink really was and how well I did not to meltdown completely. I can actually feel proud about this and so much more. Because I can finally see my life from my perspective and not someone else's.

#Autism
#Actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 1 day ago

@melindrea @pathfinder @actuallyautistic So the Barbie toys WERE the gift? I’m not sure I understand. Why didn’t she say “here is your gift”? Sorry for asking. Im not sure why I don’t understand…

jeanoappleseed , 1 day ago

@pathfinder oh!!? The dolls WERE the gift. Based on the story I wouldn’t have thought the gift was the toys. I too would have expected more. @melindrea @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 11 hours ago

@melindrea Thank you. I would have been equally confused. Even nowadays. 😆@pathfinder @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 11 hours ago

@farah Totally. Even today, if I knew the person well, I’d eventually ask for sure. 😆@pathfinder @melindrea @actuallyautistic

JeremyMallin , 25 days ago to actuallyautistic

A while ago, my neurodivergent psychotherapist told me that the term, "neurodivergent" also applies to temporary states caused by things like mental illnesses or brain injuries. I didn't know that. Has anyone else here used the term that way too?

#ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 25 days ago

@JeremyMallin I have heard the term used that way at all, actually. Seems strange to me. @actuallyautistic

Autistrain , 9 months ago to actuallyautistic

A quick reminder for #ActuallyAutistic , you should not forget to do some physical exercises and to get in touch with nature. It's for your physical and mental health.

@actuallyautistic @neurodiversity

jeanoappleseed , 9 months ago

@Autistrain Great advice! I’m planning on taking the dogs out soon. 😃 @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity

ScruffyDux , 9 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic I often feel my proximity to meltdown is proportionate to my junk food craving.

Anyone else have the same thing?

jeanoappleseed , 9 months ago

@ScruffyDux Hunger can be a factor for me but since I no longer eat junk food, I actually never crave it 😂 … I used to be addicted though OMG. Processed foods are the worst for addiction potential @actuallyautistic

theautisticcoach , 10 months ago to actuallyautistic

What does Autistic Masking/Camoflaging mean to YOU?

Not what the definition is. Not what people on social media say. We say that all #ActuallyAutistic humans are different. Masking fits into that too.

Some of us can’t mask btw.

What is it to YOU?

@actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@roknrol Great explanation. It's like I often go to social events not because I'm in the mood, but because if I don't go a few times in a row, I stop being invited and am liable of losing the friendship. That's often why I participate in social events. But I'd prefer doing it when I really feel like it and not have cancellations held against me. @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@neuralex Interesting analogy because I also mask when I speak: I change words or pronunciation to suit who I'm speaking with. What you describe happens to me and I don't know how to deal with it. It's like I'm not an adult like others around me. It's like a sudden disconnect AND that's what there's a connection in the first place. Sometime it doesn't work at all. @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@theautisticcoach Masking means trying to be like the other adults in the room. Masking means avoiding subjects I get very excited about in order to avoid monologuing. People don't always mind and it's not necessarily boring, but people often tease me about my behavior. They mean it nicely, like it's cute or fun(ny), but I don't like it because I'm not trying to be cute or funny. People will say I remind them of Robin Williams or…, but I'm not trying to be funny or like him… @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@roknrol Fortunately, I no longer work, as hard as it was both on myself and my marriage to stop working way before my retirement (49) without an income of my own. The company… One year it was all drama with a guy getting so drunk he forced one of the executives (asset management) to drink a shot. Literally. It went so nuts that the head of HR was running after him down the street and tore her "cinderalla gown.” Not my scene… #ChristmasPary @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@roknrol Sorry, but what is fomo? I should be able to tell, but I can’t. Apologies… @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@fictionalbutnot Thank you. I think you're right and I think I suffer from FOMO as well. And a LOT! I was told repeatedly by my parents as a kid (because I was not very social) that I would end up alone and it's what I fear though I'm not sure why because I so much prefer being alone. Except for that FOMO and ending up alone... whatever that was supposed to mean… @roknrol @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@sentient_water Great video. I thought I’d thought this through, the solitude thing but this actually helped a lot give me a broader context @fictionalbutnot @roknrol @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

jeanoappleseed , 10 months ago

@sentient_water I spend time alone but rarely feel lonely though I yearn to share more of what interests me with compatible people. I find most people are interested in things that are of little concern to me (like their hobbies) @fictionalbutnot @roknrol @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic