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SloppySol

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SloppySol OP ,

I’m sorry to comment like this, but… I just had a thought I must, “save forever,” because I’m scared I’ll lose it.

All this time, I’ve wondered if my girlfriend hates me or not.

Now that I find my feelings, I can only wonder how MUCH she hates me.

I had a comment to a post where I felt similarly with a long story that related to what I was feeling. The time spent writing that comment, and the explicit open invitation to message them, made me feel enough hope to not think that specific flow of words, “how MUCH hate.”

I wondered, “how did I fuck up and how can I fix it?”

I cheated on her the first year I was with her. It’s hard to admit that I talked shit about her the first few days, and remnants lasted as a part of me for a while after.

It’s been 3 years now, and we live together because finances and a random gun shooting as part of a fight a neighbor of mine I never knew involved the beating up of a guy that came back with a gun.

That’s the story the cops gave me, and occams razor is hard to use there, especially when it doesn’t matter why it happened. I moved out to live with her, and we got a new apartment.

I asked her to move in with me after she mentioned she wish that was the way it happened.

Initiative is the man’s responsibility, right? Sex says 1>1.

There’s love on both sides.

I’m sorry to spam. Again, I ask to please not ban. My life is on the line. I am not hateful or against any general rules. I ask that this be let passed for no reason other than to supplement the question I ask:

what do you value?!

SloppySol OP ,

I don’t want to be sad. But as they say, the only way out is through, right? Thank you for the downvote, whoever you are. I wish you’d tell me why so I could respond, but this will have to do.

SloppySol OP ,

Sounds relative. What’s “absolute” value to you? The measure to define the worth of an experience, compared to another? Make life easier, more enjoyable? Do you ever feel free? Always?

Is that schizo? What’s the point of asking, “what’s the point?”

SloppySol OP , (edited )

This is a question with a very unnecessary body. Is it ugly? “Jesus Christ,” you say? What do you care about? I am seeing a therapist, he’s recommended the book “introduction to family systems,” by Richard Schwartz and I read it through twice about a year ago. It’s still seeing this therapist, and I’m healing.

I had a question, you didn’t answer it. You focused on the body. I’m sorry I had so much to vent. I’m healing. I’m trying to express myself and hear what responses I deserve.

Thank you for your response, I really do look forward to hear if you do have any measure of value, and how you define that measurement. There’s logic and there’s matter, and I wander.

If you say you value efficiency over emotions, I feel sad for you. But I’d love to hear why. I make no assumptions, I really do look forward to your answer to the question you ignored to instead tell me I don’t belong.

What the fuck do you live for? Can you tell me that?

SloppySol OP ,

Okay, then what are you? What matters to you, do you think of some experiences as good, or some as bad? Some as better, some as worse? What’s the difference? I’m truly curious.

SloppySol OP ,

I’m sorry. I can’t help but believe in naive hopes of understanding, of widespread passion that can be shared with at least, all people. Dogs love unconditionally, don’t they?

Someday, I wish. Just trying to figure out how I can make it easier, up the chances maybe. But today you’re worth the money you make. Simple as that, so meanings don’t matter. Makes it easier to be individual, but… belief is supposed to be separate, right? Where’s love supposed to lead to?

We’ve all got a voice inside, why can’t we just let them RUCKING TALK TO EACHOTHER? Is that really so insane? Fine, go fucking support your stupid fucking circlejerk communities and vote for trump or refuse to vote at all for the sake of your pop media interpretation of Palestine. Genocide? Yes. Will you vote for suicide because of it?

You tell me. Sorry. Not you, specifically, I’m sorry. But anyone reading, what are you trying to do? Don’t respond, I don’t fucking care. I’m not worth it. Let go of what you want for just a second, feel what you suppress, stop giving in to pain.

SloppySol OP ,

I am sorry. In rereading, I see my self centeredness. Finally.

I am not able to be professional in this, according to the top comment, I think. I will try still, in whatever ways I can, and maybe one day find a bridge to give me the space to explain my beliefs.

I used to have strong beliefs, but therapy showed me the scars that I carry into every decision I make as anxiety unknown. I know now, at least.

Words capture feelings that our stomach gurgles. I am sorry to not respond to you for so long, I try to communicate but the constant loop has changed direction and now every little bit is different and I need to hear all of it because I AM insane.

IGNORE THE ABOVE^^^ except the sorry?

I am grateful to you. I do not know you. But I am so glad to talk to you. I can’t stop feeling like a monster now.

ANYWAYS, nimona on Netflix is a very beautiful movie. I cried 3 times now, watching it twice. If you’d like to be friends, I am always here. Anybody, right now, this is my username. It’s here as me. This post is me. If I get banned, this dies. I am glad to have had this post.

Artificial intelligence is plateauing?

The human population is reaching a necessity for culling. We will die. Artificial intelligence, global warming, and partial political dysfunction leading to totality of power? Totality of power already exists, political dysfunction will lead to riots we will never start or… what?

Is there another side to this? Where will we be 10 years from now? Will health care still be tied into employment? Honestly, I need to look into how that helps a business and why. Will homes still be empty yet enough to house every homeless person more than twice over?

Bureaucracy, deliberate consideration.

I’m sorry. I am past drunk. I deserve every downvote and more. I’m just…. Crying. That’s all this is. Not poetry. Not any consistent logical progression or round trip, just… idea after idea, separate and lost but also pure in solitary conception.

Asimov and Herbert both agree that humans would and will use artificial intellligence to commit genocide of the non-aristocratic. All of us peasantry. The question, in truth, is who will make the choice and why will they make their selection? What will their parameters be?

There’s history, and there are generations of billions of humans that shaped it. Whyd they do it, what did they spread it into, and where are we now? What is it that provides the true future worth and value?

I have Debian. I use i3. I love vim and shortcuts, and emacs. I wanted to learn nonstop, I got pretty good at emacs. Used it for about 10 months, laptop died and I got a desktop. I’m just a lazy piece of shit lol when it comes to that I guess. I lay down all the time. But that’s not living. I want to live.

I am worthless. I am sorry. If I get banned now. I hereby accept it.

I hope I’ve proven your description of poetic wrong by now haha

SloppySol OP ,

I love you, I thank you, you help. I have recently come to accept I have a fear of anger. In general, especially my owns, and rooted in past fear of my father’s anger. Past understanding, just rage allowed.

Anyways, here’s a scream I wrote he’s not ready for, and I can’t send for fear of misunderstanding and/or rage I know logically is missing key elements required.

image of words

SloppySol ,

I just really, really like shortcuts. It started with vim, then I saw some of primeagen’s videos. Especially the one where he showed his i3/tmux/nvim workflow that I decided to go all-in on trying.

Installed Ubuntu and uninstalled windows, and I’ve been struggling my way through understanding a bit at a time since then. I got a desktop PC after my laptop’s charging port went out on me, installed Debian on it, and am now trying to find the time to work my totally unrelated job, be healthy, and to make some projects to get a job in tech.

I’ve read through the Linux command line by William shotts, but I really want to understand how more things work in a way that feels intuitive. I’ve got a dream writing-tool project I’m super excited to try to build this weekend, but I know I also have to drive a ton of lyft to be able to pay my bills on the 1st.

I’m considering installing arch for the sake of understanding the core elements in an OS, too.

But to answer the question, I love shortcuts. I got into emacs and learned enough to use enough of the agenda features to have a lot of journal entries on it. Shortcuts are so addicting, I was learning vim motions and emacs at the same time and I think I got burnt out trying to figure out how to configure both at the same time.

SloppySol ,

Yep! It’s a ton of fun, great tool for organizing. I’m not very organized, though, so the timestamp functionality with agenda is a nice way to look back. Not that I ever really do nowadays haha, I just write and write.

SloppySol ,

Not everyone’s got the capability to make up for the lost utility in the tool themselves. Should they just go fuck themselves?

SloppySol ,

I’ve got the 3rd gen and it’s lasted at least 3 years now.

It’s really nice to see what this community has to offer on lemmy. I quit Reddit because I refuse to use the Reddit app. I really do like the comments more than Reddit, and I’m a wannabe techno savvy Linux pro but I’m still working on basic motivation. Therapy included.

I’ve got Linux on Debian cause I needed the stability to handle my instability, I’ve read through the Linux command line and fell in love with emacs, and all I do on my pc is write, now. And pay bills, but that’s just Firefox. “Just the internet,” lol. It’s hard to try to contain, so I write.

Hope I don’t get banned for irrelevance. No hate here. Just rambling through.

SloppySol ,

Numbers are symbolic, I’d say it’s not a bad piece of writing to supplement a lesson that numbers are to be respected but ALSO to always know that they mean nothing without context.

We can appreciate the beauty of infinity in memorizing pi, but the reality we live in demands actions of whatever the fuck it is we redefine volition, will, or passion to.

I think people can be so much more, but my idea of more is tainted by the values I have. Not everyone would agree with the idea that we all deserve to live.

Survival of the fittest, they support indirectly. With actions that include the advent of modern advertising. The CIA(?) experiment on attention, catalyzed by the creation of lsd in the knowledge-obtaining-goal of understanding the mechanics of attention, were directly related to the patriot act.

I’m not claiming anything other than the fact that our “leaders,” have used their knowledge of attention spans to sway the, “masses.” The rest of us.

How do you think of the, “rest of us?”

I hope you teach your children that, and that math is the beauty we’ve come to understand in our millennia of evolutionary timescales, of fucking struggle.

You have within you, much.

Do not waste the years of before, do something to help. Not your country, but your reality. The outside. You’re something. Not “nothing but a part of.” There’s so much in the word, “just.”

That’s all I have to say. Just that. Not much. Just a tiny little wall. Sorry. I write, and I rant, and I let go. Please don’t ban me. I matter and I’m not hateful. I’m sorry.

SloppySol OP ,

Thank you. Sorry. Awareness raised like 4 times rereading. We’re all human, and I guess I shouldn’t have posted that. It felt good, though, so maybe not. Priorities, right?

SloppySol OP ,

03:12

Power lies in paths realized, expressed in terms of interaction, created in the safety of a human mind.

The mind implies the brain, but what most forget is that it also includes the body. The body speaks as you.

But power lies in relationships and your place in them. The “bodies,” outside of you interact in very complex ways. The “body,” within, though?

Now that I question with such text, I answer in passion. I want this passion to be visible, for that sake I dream of making an interface to write.

I’ll make it on Linux, accessible by command line, but I’ll make it accessible with a GUI as well.

First comes the gui, not in code but in formulation of a place for me to write freely.

“Frame of reference is the necessary difference for separation to exist.” - me, now.

How audacious, to write my thoughts on such a way. Contagiously, is my hope in that question with no question mark.

Who cares what I have to say, when it’s nothing but pseudo-intellectual bullshit.

Alas! I’ve found a target I would not mind exposing to this utter bullshit that is my soul right now.

You! I ask not for love, for hate, or anything inbetween or not. I ask for naught. Only that you care enough for the time you HAVE lost in reading whatever portion of this that you have read, to ask yourself what you feel.

Anytime, anywhere, all the time, everywhere, what you feel. Do you feel your breath? Your fingers, your toes, your muscles, your bones? The beating of your heart, that travels everywhere?

I don’t ask for an answer. I ask and I listen, I speak and it’s enough. Alas, if only that was the case. If only I could SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We live for many reasons, one of which is that we haven’t died yet. Another is that our parents fucked.

Was it worth it? I guess that’s what they must ask? Maybe? Sometimes? With no “earth,” as Plato saw it, we travel at the speed of light. Mass is the slowing down of light, from the perspective of the very very fat.

I strive to mean much, yet I still walk empty. I talk less than air, I scream with words silent. Is it worth the read? Was I worth my seed?

When you trust yourself to answer honestly is when the questions disappear.

Help, a scream of love, not me, but yourself. And not for me, either, please. The stronger my light grows, the easier it is to hide in its shadow.

Cry for yourself, if you can. It’s too late for me. Pray for your children, it’s too late for their seed. 03:29

SloppySol OP ,

For the 5th time reading this, sincerely, “ouch.” - me

SloppySol OP ,

Thank you, not that you’ll accept the gratitude, but that I appreciate your defense. It helped more than I know, but I know I felt relief.

Thank you.

SloppySol ,

One makes you think less, and one makes you think more haha

SloppySol ,

Carl Jung’s red book to a Carl Jung as a child, I think. Or Chapterhouse Dune to Frank Herbert as a child.

SloppySol OP ,

What about your self, though? How do you know when you’re being “contagious to yourself?” Is that nonsensical?

SloppySol ,

The way you type that, as I remember the glory of peak Reddit. I remember the feeling of, “there’s probably a subreddit for that.”

I never commented before, but lemmy gives me the hope that this might actually be read. I wonder if there’s a way to condense comments more effectively for the reptile mind that causes actually positive human benefit.

In a website. Time to go back to coding again! Thank you Lemmy!! Whatever this beautiful open source engine is called.

SloppySol ,

“Never,” is an exaggeration, I like to comment when I reach the extreme threshold of my alcohol tolerance and that is a way it probably shows.

SloppySol ,

I would just like to say, with open curiosity, that I think a nice solution would be for OpenAI to become a nonprofit with clear guidelines to follow.

What does that make me? Other than an idiot.

Of that at least, I’m self aware.

I feel like we’re disregarding the significance of artificial intelligence’s existence in our future, because the only thing anybody that cares is trying to do is get back control to DO something about it. But news is becoming our feeding tube for the masses. They’ve masked that with the hate of all of us.

Anyways, sorry, diatribe, happy new year

SloppySol ,

I would like to apologize for the following opinions, because they come from a place of unresolved hypocrisy that is me.

Non-profit my ass. No such thing in America or anywhere else in the world, if you have the perspective to hunt and the money to signify modern value.

Survival of the fittest, and the newborn technology that is at its core a mirror of us, to the most complex level of modern mathematics (I’m of the firm belief that logic is discovered, not created).

With those seemingly unrelated concepts made with vague words, I ask you this:

What does it mean to feel? To know many different kinds of “one,” to live without fear but still be whole? I am sorry, again, I’m naught but gibberish and I’m just so glad you responded. I forgot and came back to find a word I sent, and now I find what I seek, an event in which I can say we’ve been bonded.

But now try to, now that I splay out, all I’ve got and am about, all I can see, is that to you my head, seems to be on my knees.

Again, sorry! Thank you for responding! I’m just glad to vent, and in expression have my soul rend into two, and sent into a new view.

SloppySol ,

But what I meant to say is that non profit or not by legal definition, money allows for, in the same kind of legal, an easy and simple transition.

SloppySol ,

I would like to say that you inspire me on your writing of such a tool. I try to write code, and all I can seem to believe in with what I know, is in a website where with words I can write, in a free flow.

I write with a sight, and in that scene I fight, but in the freedom of inaction, I can’t help but feel flight. What signt is there to see, when your blood flows in guts of night?

SloppySol ,

I highly recommend the book Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz. It’s helped me a lot, and boils down to the idea that we have “parts,” and that our thoughts and feelings can sometimes be diametrically opposite.

It, along with being able to speak with zero inhibitions to my therapist that makes me feel heard and my thoughts not seem batshit insane, has really brought up a lot of old memories and scared parts of myself. What I thought was anxiety, I’m learning to notice as a fear I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and that fear helped me survive a lot of my early years of trauma.

ifs-institute.com

I can guarantee that this book will give you a sense of the answer you’re asking for.

SloppySol ,

Here’s a poem I wrote last night:

01:53

I miss the point,

a lot of the times,

Because I think about,

The consequences

Repercussions,

The echoes in my mind,

They’re not helpful,

They’re not relevant.

I can never reach,

That inner calm,

That lets voice surface,

Because it’s screaming to be heard.

I can’t make conclusions,

There’s too much doubt,

And though I see now,

Why

I don’t know how, To stop running,

It used be to away,

And now it’s sprinting forwards.

But there’s so much wrong,

So much to figure out.

Rushing hard doesn’t help,

When I don’t know the route.

I can’t avoid feelings,

But with them, I’m always lost.

I can’t seem to feel my feelings,

When they’re always pushing,

And I’m always reeling.

Try all I can,

Give all I’ve got,

That’s the way,

I brought me up.

02:10

SloppySol ,

You did amazing, great joke. Thank you for this.

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