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How the fuck do you meet new people?

I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.

Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.

fmstrat ,

I had great luck with meetup.com. All kinds of groups and people, and most people are “new to the group” making things more natural. I have since developed a friend group and a SO from those gatherings and events.

towamo7603 ,

Sadly useless in smaller cities.

MojoMcJojo ,

Community college. Took a few classes I never would have normally chosen like art or acting. I was a stay at home introvert who was way past college days, so I couldn’t figure out how to put myself into social situations. But I do like to learn, so signed myself up for some night classes. Ended up dating a few people, made new friends, and married one of them. Night classes bring in the adults who have to work during the day, a few kids too, but I met just about every age group from young to very old. Study groups, group projects, anything that will involve working with or helping classmates, or anything that you think is interesting really. Have life long friends now because of that decision.

Go back to where you first learned how to make friends, go back to school.

Technoguyfication ,

Join a Discord server for your city if it has one. Make casual conversation with the people there, attend/plan meetups, and suddenly you have real-life friends.

I met most of my closest friends through my school’s Discord server while I was in college.

(It doesn’t have to be Discord, it can be a Facebook/Reddit/etc. community too. Discord is just the most common option for younger people.)

fubarx ,
  • Help coach a kid’s sports league.
  • Volunteer at the local library or senior home.
  • Help clean roads / rivers / environment.
  • Learn mixology and become a bartender at a local hangout.
  • Pick up exercise/sports and look for others into it. Baseball, bowling, running, hunting, hiking, biking, flag football, etc.
  • Tutor ESL.

There are lots of ways to connect with others without having to spend a lot of money. As long as you go in without an expectation of a specific outcome. Just go with the flow, be open to new experiences, and see what happens.

Lost_My_Mind ,

Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.

That’s it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is “Oh, hey! I like your jacket!” Or “Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!” (as said as I’m carrying a 24 pack).

Or “Whats goin’ on my brotha from anotha motha???”

I’m not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it’s my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.

Except I don’t really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I’m sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.

JimmyBigSausage ,

Sounds nice actually. Everyone here stays inside because it is hot right now.

Lost_My_Mind ,

Currently 72F. Scattered clouds, but it’s not going to rain today.

gandalf_der_12te ,
@gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

short question - do you mean Cleveland, OH, or Cleveland, TN, or Cleveland, TX, or Cleveland, GA?

PopcornPrincess ,

Yes.

VulKendov ,
@VulKendov@reddthat.com avatar

Cleveland is actually located in a pocket dimension. Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and Georgia (US) have portals into the Cleveland dimension.

Fun fact: Cleveland is named so because a wizard cleaved a rift in space-time and built a city inside the cleave.

Toes ,

If you’re okay with online interactions. Many video games have communities around the game. Additionally if you’re willing to learn how to play Pathfinder or d&d those groups tend to be really friendly to people that genuinely want to participate.

Alternatively you might consider traveling to conventions that interest you to meet people IRL.

BillDaCatt ,

Here are a few suggestions:
Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a food pantry
Sign up for a church email newsletter and go there when they are doing pot-luck meals (bring a dish to pass)
If you are into sports, sign up to volunteer as a coach.
Don’t buy all of your groceries all at one time. Buy a few things each time and go more often. Even if you don’t meet or talk to anyone but the workers, you will be around other people.

Reyali ,

https://lemm.ee/pictrs/image/9c8220d7-d445-4cb4-80c3-33e1ca1e4911.jpeg

gandalf_der_12te ,
@gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

So first of all let me tell you that it does indeed depend on where you live. So it would have been very useful information if you had stated where you live. Since you didn’t state it, I assume it’s in the US, since for some reason, people in the US never seem to see the need to state that they live in the US (not all of us do).

Secondly, I really am sorry for your situation. There’s a lot of wrong things with society. One of those things is that it’s difficult to meet new people. Another, in my opinion, just as bad thing, is that one has to drive. Basically, people didn’t drive before 1800. Driving is the exception in history. I don’t see how or why people think these days that it’s completely normal to drive, or to have to drive. This has nothing to do with your post, but it’s still something that I’m thinking about. Sorry for the random side-rant.

Thirdly, I have found that it’s often best to search for like-minded people, and just randomly go to them, say to them “hey, can I sit with you”, wait a few seconds, and if they agree, sit down and just say “hi” and “i’m [insert name] and i’m from [insert location] and i’m looking for [insert any random hobby or activity you like]”. most people react by either agreeing or declining, and such is life.

seaQueue ,
@seaQueue@lemmy.world avatar

Friendships are formed via proximity and common interests. Go places with other people who enjoy the same hobbies and make an effort to get to know some of them.

lemmy_user_838586 ,

Usually the best way to find new people is to get into an activity or hobby. Use meetup, or Facebook events, or other local event coordinating services to find activities or events you’re interested, go and chat with people, and if you hit it off with people after a few times seeing them, try to make a connection individually outside the group, like meeting up for coffee or a beer, etc.

The hard thing you’ll find as you age though, is there’s a finite amount of social attention people have with their lives, and as people age and establish their groups of friends, sometimes its hard to break into their circles as they’ve already kinda maxed out their in life social network. Sometimes they either aren’t really looking to add more friends, and include more people in their life, or just don’t think to invite you to events etc. Breaking though that, or finding people open to adding more to their social networks, can be hard as you age.

Bach37strad ,

There’s no meetup group for smoking weed and going back to sleep unfortunately. I already checked.

Vibi ,

Depends where you live! There’s weekly/monthly cannabis events where I’m at. I’ve made some great friends at them!

iAmTheTot ,

There definitely is.

wheeldawg ,

Well then how the hell did they get in my room?

Alteon ,

My dude, you can always start. I guarantee there’s a group out there for you.

p5yk0t1km1r4ge ,
@p5yk0t1km1r4ge@lemmy.world avatar

Dude just whip it out. Let it flap in the breeze.

AndrewZabar ,

Crazy response coming - I’m around all the time and I actually enjoy meeting people. Living with a disability I don’t go out much except with my wife and son when we can. Other than that I don’t socialize but I would love to. So, in all sincerity, DM me anytime. Also open for video chat.

:-)

Chickenstalker ,

First, you start a cult…

throwaways_are_for_cowards OP ,

If I had the charisma and the sociopathy to start a cult, I wouldn’t have this issue, lol.

nehal3m ,

So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.

Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.

throwaways_are_for_cowards OP ,

I appreciate this, thank you, and it’s not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it’s bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.

I’ve never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That’s on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She’s been friends with most of them since they were children, I’ve known them for the last 20 years or so. It’s complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they’d take me in, but they’ve notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she’ll be there.

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