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Aceticon , (edited )

Because being adult in age isn’t at all the same thing as being adult in maturity plus often people derive different benefits in different kinds of relationships so they want to keep both going (for example, somebody in his or her 40s happilly married with kids and yet getting excitement and sexual pleasure with a younger lover).

Also there are often huge social and financial implications to breaking up certain types of relationships or under certain conditions, but people might still be irresistibly drawn to something else, so they play a game to both sides not wanting the costs nor willing to run the risk of losing one to get the other.

It’s a mix of selfishness, immaturity, cowardice and people changing over time and discovering that the stable relationship they’re in doesn’t fit them (either anymore or they get to a point were they figure out it never trully did)

gmtom ,

I have an baseless theory that people that first has sexual experience when they were young or in strict households and had to sneak around and hide their relationships are more likely to want to chest because the “thrill” of hiding the relationship and tabbooness of it reminds them of their formative sexaul experiences.

Noodle07 ,

Aye, I think that’s why there’s so much step sister step brother porn as well

SkunkWorkz ,

Yeah that’s because many Gen-Zers and late millennials have grown up in blended families. I bet many of them have fantasized about bangin an older step sister or step mom and even stepdads fantasize about banging an adult step daughter. Then they look up that kind of porn on the web. The algorithms will push that genre up in the rankings and then producer will follow the trend to appear at the top of those rankings.

JPSound ,

Someone should have told my exwife this handy life hack. Would have saved me untold grief and depression. However, life can throw you a beautiful little surprise after a nightmare. If it wasn’t for that godawful woman, I never would have met the love of my life, the woman who I spent my whole life waiting for and now enjoying what it means to be happily married to my biggest crush, my best friend and waking up right next to her and our little family every morning. I can safely say it was all worth it. It could have been easier to get here but I’d do it again on legendary difficulty if I had to.

Mediocre_Bard ,

Sometimes relationships aren’t over.

caseyweederman ,

Are the monos okay

DragonTypeWyvern ,

Cheating isn’t poly. It’s just being an ass.

caseyweederman ,

I’m responding to the person above me, not the original post. Fuck cheating.

ynthrepic ,
@ynthrepic@lemmy.world avatar

People aren’t honest enough with each other and their own needs. Meanwhile we build other dependencies in long term relationships that have nothing to do with physical attraction, but are in most cases more important for all kinds of reasons.

Monogamy is the basis of a lot of unnecessary suffering because it’s resisting a very real need we continue to have even when our relationships become romantically stagnant. If we could all just be honest about it with our SOs without fear, and work together as we do anyway to maintain other commitments to each other, we could have a culture where there’s a lot more freedom to seek more intimacy and love in a way that isn’t dishonest, that isn’t “cheating”.

angrystego ,

This is a very thoughtful and adult take.

mechoman444 ,

I’ve never understood the concept of cheating in general. Basically what a person says is that they don’t want their significant other to experience any kind of intimacy or sexual relationships with any other person except for them for the rest of their lives.

I’ve always seen that as kinda unfair.

On the other hand if I’m in a relationship I typically don’t feel the need or desire to have relations with any other person even when the opportunity presents itself.

I have a friend though that is hopelessly in love with his girlfriend but regularly engages in sexual relations with other women. For him, it’s not an emotional activity, it’s just a physical one.

But you’re absolutely right open honest communication is absolutely key.

ynthrepic ,
@ynthrepic@lemmy.world avatar

What makes cheating, cheating, is the betrayal of trust involved more than any specific acts of intimacy. The reality is in monogamous relationships merely falling for someone else, even without then knowing how you feel, already feels like a betrayal in your heart as a loyal partner who wishes you only had eyes for your SO and nobody else. Even porn in some cases is a betrayal. It’s a whole lot of unnecessary suffering not to acknowledge how the overwhelming majority of us won’t mentally thrive under these conditions. Therefore, setting expectations appropriate for your situation is key.

For my part, my SO understands that due in part to her relatively low sex drive and complete lack of initiative, certain needs of mine aren’t being met, and we’ve talked about it. I still love her deeply, and we have recently had a child, and I have every intention of meeting my obligations as a father and partner for the rest of my life. But, there’s a real possibility I could fall for someone else one day. I already have friends who I can say I love and would jump at the opportunity to be intimidate with should they show that kid of interest. What interests me though, are loving bonds, not hookups (I mean STD risks and all sorts. Ew). I want to be close with those who I sleep with, and i want them to know I love my partner and will always be there for her and our child. But, there’s space for them too, if they want in. Ideally, my partner likes and accepts them too - and the more close they are as friends (or even lovers too) the better.

In any case, that’s the dream I guess. Nothing has happened yet, and I find with a baby to look after, I’m in no rush, and certainly even with everything out in the open, it’s still too much drama to navigate at the moment. But if it does happen one day, at least it won’t result in a litany of lies that lead to guilt and suffering all around. At least, that’s the idea. I know it will never be quite that easy in reality, but it wouldn’t be life otherwise!

mechoman444 ,

I feel kinda the same way… I don’t really like the whole “spontaneous sex” “one night stand” thing. I would prefer to get to know the person I’m going to be intimate with…

But again I have friends that would easily rail a woman in the bathroom of a bar and forget that even happened in a week.

I dunno…

ynthrepic ,
@ynthrepic@lemmy.world avatar

My hope would be that the girls your friend rails behave and feel the same way and their respective partners if they have them know it too, or they’re single and that’s their thing. Maybe they don’t care about herpes, syphilis, chlamydia, or HIV either, because the thrill is worth the risk.

I know that isn’t even mostly the case and most people are behaving in ways they will later regret. But I do think there’s a culture in which we can be more honest and happy with having a bit more love in our lives.

It will take work and conversations like this are a small part of that I guess.

gearheart ,

Wonder how it would work out if his gf reularly engaged in sex with anyone she wanted for a physical activity.

I don’t think the relationship would continue “working”.

BigBenis ,

I think that’s an unfair assessment based on negative stereotypes and only really serves to legitimatize the behavior you’re referring to.

ynthrepic ,
@ynthrepic@lemmy.world avatar

I would be uncomfortable with my partner hooking up with a stranger. That’s a betrayal of our shared values, and creates risks for both of us (e.g. unwanted pregnancy, STDs, and general drama that could create a lot of unnecessary stress). I would rather know that she has fallen for someone we’re both know preferably, and who she loves and believes she can trust implicitly. I would still feel a healthy amount of jealousy, and be worried about thing going wrong, and her being hurt. But I would trust her judgment, and trust she won’t run away and leave me to raise our kid on my own. But yeah, the sex, and intimacy in this case, wouldn’t bother me too much.

mechoman444 ,

You’re absolutely right. He would be devastated and react very negatively to his girlfriend “cheating” on him.

The double standard is the size of Texas.

AgentGrimstone ,

Alimony

Sam_Bass ,

Yeah that should be step one not step two

Emerald ,

Cheating is more fun tho

caseyweederman ,

Fuck all the way off

Emerald ,

Nah

Vilian ,

because someone can get stuck in a toxic relationship, not because the person was bad, but was suicidal and had so much issues that you’re afraid that ending it could make them kill themselfs, and you don’t want to hurt them because isn’t their fault, but you don’t want a relatioship anymore

meliaesc ,

Being cheated on won’t improve their mental health. Surely you realize there must be some other way of handling that situation? You’re never responsible for what someone does to themselves btw.

Vilian ,

of course, i totally agree with you, but only after the end and a lot of therapy, i came to the conclusion that my mental health were already bad before everything, and continuing it fucked in a level that i needed antidepressants and anti-anxiety to get out of bed

You’re never responsible for what someone does to themselves btw.

i totally agree too, but as i said, i didn’t want that to happen, i liked them, maybe not as a partner but as a friend, and I didn’t think that were fair to them, “it was because of their toxic parents not their fault”, the classic “I can fix them” in the end I couldn’t, they were using me as a step ladder, and in the end I was worse mentally than them and they were the one to end the relationship to date others and let me alone

Surely you realize there must be some other way of handling that situation

Yes, lesson learned, don’t let yourself go that low, you’re going to get depressed and anxious, and do things that is going to make yourself even more depressed and anxious and you can only go one day per week to a psychologist for a reason, when you need tobe someone psychologist 24/7 something isn’t right

meliaesc ,

I’m so genuinely happy to hear you’re doing better now.

themeatbridge ,

Remember that Beyonce song about the guy who cheated on her, but it’s cool because she wasn’t that into him and the other guy she’s been seeing is on his way over to replace him?

Sometimes everybody sucks at being in a relationship.

ByteOnBikes ,

I really hope songs like this die out.

Kinda like how millennials killed Boomer Humor and the “I hate my wife” jokes, GenZ should kill songs about being a POS.

themeatbridge , (edited )

Shaggy with his “It Wasn’t Me” bullshit always rubbed me the wrong way. “My girl caught me fucking another woman.” Gaslight that bitch. “She was staring at me balls-deep in our neighbor on the floor of our bathroom.” Gaslight that bitch. “No, really, she was standing there watching us both, buck-ass naked. She never took her eyes off me. She knows what I look like. She knows our neighbor lady. I can’t believe I forgot that she has a key to my place, and she just walked in on us mid-coitus in the shower. I’m telling you, she’s not a fucking moron.” Gaslight that bitch.

Matriks404 ,

CMV: Cheating always happen in some point when changing relationships. It sucks, but it I’d the way it is.

But what do I know, I have been single for the last 9 years, and only had a gf for few months. ☹️

themeatbridge ,

Nah, you want to sleep with someone else, you end your current relationship.

You might meet someone you like while you’re with someone else, but really if you’re window shopping, you should end the relationship anyway.

InEnduringGrowStrong ,
@InEnduringGrowStrong@sh.itjust.works avatar

It goes by different names, but some people treat relationships like monkey bars, making sure they grab the next one before letting go of the last one.

That’s also just like how soft-handoff works when changing cellular antennas while on the move.

Wilzax ,

That’s what rebounds are for, and if you aren’t up front about them being a rebound, you’re an asshole.

But the healthiest thing to do is to be single between relationships. For a good long while. Until you’re actually happy being single. That’s the only headspace you can be in to find a partner who will be good for you.

InEnduringGrowStrong ,
@InEnduringGrowStrong@sh.itjust.works avatar

While I agree wholeheartedly, there are plenty of unhealthy assholes in life.

Kedly ,

That view and you only having a girlfriend for a few months miiiiight be linked

SandmanXC ,

Cause I’m single and trying to pass this math test

scarilog ,

Betraying the trust of your significant other ❌

Flagrant violation of academic integrity ✅

dylanmorgan ,

Sometimes ending the relationship will harm third parties, but the core relationship is harmful to one or both of the people in it. In a case like that cheating may be the least bad option.

Roflmasterbigpimp ,
@Roflmasterbigpimp@lemmy.world avatar

No.

tjsauce ,

What third parties do you mean? How do the effects on them in either case compare to the effects on one’s partner?

davidagain ,

Not agreeing with them, but I can tell they’re talking about staying together “for the kids”.

dylanmorgan ,

Primarily children. Consider a situation where one member of a married couple is unwilling or unable to engage in sexual contact but is otherwise a good partner and coparent. Divorce is traumatic for children and has a significant negative economic impact, life with single parents is also difficult. So the parent who still wants sex seeks it elsewhere. They are fulfilling an important aspect of their life, and preserving a healthy home life for their children and partner.

Daxter101 ,

Remember the premise, cheating is lying about the situation, and acting on those needs without consent.

There is no world where that is healthier than whatever mutual agreement the couple could end up in, after honestly sharing their situation.

If the care for the needs of the child is real and actually shared between the parents, anything ranging from a sexually open marriage, to a divorce with uninterrupted coparenting, is leagues better than pretending you want to be there while actually both having a bad time around your child’s other parent, and constantly lying.

Wilzax ,

??? That’s not a recipe for cheating, that’s a recipe to either open the relationship or to get law enforcement to help you escape abuse, depending on the situation with your partner. In no way will sleeping with someone else behind your partner’s back and risk them finding out about it help ANYONE involved

undefinedValue ,

I think they were referring to harming children when they said 3rd parties and the harm was emotional trauma not physical.

todd_bonzalez ,
@todd_bonzalez@lemm.ee avatar

Because people desire both romantic companionship and sexual exploration, but society pressures us to choose one or the other, and shames us for even trying to communicate our needs and wants to our partners as a form of selfishness, so we end up doing whatever makes us happy, at the detriment of others’ happiness, when it never had to be that way.

flerp ,

There they go blaming society for being too afraid to have a conversation with their partner again…

Flax_vert ,

Found the cheater

sunzu ,

Cheating is for young people and mentally ill adults who haven't fixed their impulse control

Adulting requires making partner and family the priority if you signed for it.

LifeInMultipleChoice , (edited )

Cheating is for those that aren’t being honest with themselves. Open relationships are fine for those whom understand and consent, but many people don’t do well in them. I don’t think I could ever do it but it is do to my own faults, not the practice.

Most cheating I think happens because someone hasn’t admitted to themselves that they aren’t happy enough in their relationship, or to cowardly to leave it for many a reason. Stability, whether financial or otherwise make staying in a relationship the “easy” option to many people.

Starting a new chapter of life is often hard. Social circles, work, living situations, vehicles, pets, and every other thing we forget about that has been a staple to us is often intertwined. Families as well. A lot of people stay together out of feeling it is better off than rocking the boat, many feeling like it would be devastating for their partner and like to think it is better for them long term as well. It doesn’t mean it is, or would be.

Relationships are just hard all around, but at some point we have to choose happiness over forcing shit to work.

Being afraid of failure has always been one of my flaws. Relationships are mostly all failures, even many that last till death.

~end random rant, it wasnt disagreeing with your comment by the way, apparently I just started typing

sunzu ,

all fair points. there is deff a story behind every thing. i was going more for people need own their behavior. classic story is parents staying together when it was bad for kids.

i guess it could work somehow... but we all heard the stories where it was dragged out too long and hurt more.

faintwhenfree ,

I think i disagree on being cheating is for young people. I know plenty of teenagers and young adults that are loyal to a fault.

PolyLlamaRous ,

There is a lot of stastics and info on this topic that might surprise you. I would encourage you to look into cheating rates by demographics. After that if you want any recommendations for books on subject, let me know.

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