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Sorry for the potentially controversial question: is it normal for less attractive people to settle down with partners they don't find physically attractive?
If you don’t find someone physically attractive, how do you settle down with them? Do you just accept getting into bed with someone you’re physically repulsed by every night?
You should never date someone you aren’t attracted to. That won’t end well. That doesn’t mean they have to be a ten but you have to be attracted to them
Relatedly, I know someone who seems highly compatible but who I’m not attracted to at all. How would I even manage that? There’s no way I could hide it, even if that was justifiable, so how do you say “you’re almost physically repulsive to me, but I want to date you anyway” without being a dick? (I’m reasonably good looking myself)
I really wasn’t attracted to my now husband at all when we met. I remember also really disliking his smell (not BO, just regular pheromones or whatever).
11 years later we are extremely happily married and he’s sexy as fuck. His appearance hasn’t changed (except that he’s actually a little overweight now and looks a decade older) but every day he’s just hotter and hotter. Not like a “I just love him so much on the inside.” Like I genuinely perceive him to be extremely physically attractive (and equally good to smell) and look back on early days with complete confusion.
n=1 so grain of salt and whatnot, but I’d say if you’re vibing enough to make this a question worth asking then it’s probably worth giving it a shot to see if attraction develops
Edit: Please don’t actually tell them you’re not attracted to them though. That’s weird and unnecessary. You don’t need to lie either, just don’t comment on their appearance until/unless you start to notice those little things that have grown on you.
Lol. I get it, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just don’t explain. They’ll just figure they need to figure out different ways to stimulate, which is true anyway.
If the movie is anything to go by, the secret will come out and there will be a fight but you’ll also fall in love and become attracted to them before the credits roll
It happens pretty often because physical attraction is just one facet of attraction - you can find someone extremely attractive but not for physical reasons… some people even have trouble processing physical attraction and identify as sapiosexual.
Why are you with someone you don’t find attractive? Are you obligated to be in the relationship? Are you afraid of what happens without your partner?
A partner is someone you are happy to be with and if attractiveness is the sole determining factor, ask yourself what is unattractive about yourself. Why are they with you? Why don’t they leave to find someone else?
In truth, attractiveness is great for starting a relationship but the relationship will evolve to become more about the connection you both share. In-jokes are the best part, old arguments are the worst. But it’s something no one else would understand because it’s between you two.
Wake up with your partner, see them after a night of restless sleep or being sick for a few days. No one is attractive then and hopefully this shows that attractiveness is not the only requirement for loving someone. The only requirement is that you love them, whole and true, for as long as you can.
If you don’t love your partner, or find yourself doubting, have the courage to solve that difficulty. Be honest with yourself AND your partner. They are living with the hope that each day will be another in the story of your lives. Lying to them by hiding how you feel is building interest on a pain that could have been avoided.
I can only speak for myself and my observations, but I don't think it's normal. It happens, but it's uncommon. I think it's more normal for people to have similarly attractive partners. Some people are cuter than others even at the same "level."
Most of my girlfriends have been about the same level of attractiveness. I think I'm probably a 5 or 6 out of 10. If I lost weight and cleaned up I'd probably get to a 7, but that wouldn't change my attraction to my wife. Maybe at that point it would look like I "settled"?
This happens on a timeline tho. They may have been variably attractive when they got together and just aged and there’s more incentive for either to maintain the status quo than cut each other loose
Also eye of the beholder. Nobody is inherently attractive, they just sometimes have more qualities embodied by the culture/society/species/individuals’ conventions of beauty and attractiveness
I think that assumes that a person's attractiveness to a passive observer is equivalent to their attractiveness to their long-term partner. Someone who loves you probably thinks it's cute when your hair is messy, for example.
If you fall out of love, yeah, maybe leave your boyfriend. But if you still love him despite his beer gut and bald patch, maybe that's not a bad thing? Also, all relationships happen on a timeline, lol.
Women usually do that for social status, I mean, for women usually if there is money(specifically what money involves not exactly money as it) they don’t care about beauty.
As a man at least for me you need to learn to appreciate women beyond their beauty, you need to experience going out with ugly women as part of knowing about women. The 98% of women function exactly the same way if you get used to go out with ugly women you will learn to go out with beautiful women.
Think of beauty like something what will not last forever, the main point in women isn’t their beauty but other characteristics like support and followship
Beauty isn’t everything what matters in a relationship, there are other things what each role do which compliment each other.
Edit: I’m getting downvoted and maybe to oblivion because evidently there are people who know I’m saying the truth but they don’t like someone to do that.
Some women do it for social status, absolutely - some men do too. Others do it for money, or fame, or because they have a nice house…
That is certainly not the norm and your suggestion that it is the norm and it is specifically for women is why you’re being downvoted (at least, IMO).
I actually agree with a portion of the rest of your comment that beauty isn’t that important… physical attraction is one facet of attraction and I’d argue it isn’t even a particularly major one.
I think you’re right, it may sound a bit strange from that point of view, I forgot to mention that 98% of men also function the same, although I must clarify that I am referring to a generality and not to a totality, meaning that there are exceptions.
‘Normal’ isn’t the most useful word for describing human interactions. It’s always going to be biased by your culture, upbringing and life experience.
A lot of people here are saying that people become more attractive as you get close to them, and I’m sure that’s true–for them. Just to offer an alternative perspective, I find people less physically attractive the better I know them. I still love them and enjoy their company, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but I just don’t really want to be physically intimate with them past a certain point. I’m very independent and probably just not cut out for that kind of long-term relationship, but I’m also very open about it when talking to potential romantic partners. I don’t want them putting all their eggs in one basket, especially when that basket is full of holes.
i think that liking a person can make you physically attracted to them. i didnt look at either of my partners the first time and drop jaw on the floor… but once i became friends and developed a crush they started to look cute! my current partner is very attractive to me now :)
I think what happens is that other attributes that they’re attracted to make the person more attractive to them, so that they aren’t weighting solely physical appearance. As in, they might not choose to hook with that person, but would still see that person as a solid choice for a life partner.
That said, it’s horribly cruel to get into a relationship with someone that you have zero sexual desire towards, unless that person has no sexual desire at all. You may not be physically attracted to them, but you should still desire them sexually.
Throughout life, the things you find important change. This is true for more than just physical attraction and what you look for in a partner. I think a lot of people, attractive or not, pair up with people that don’t fit their ideas about what is gorgeous. Everybody who doesn’t die young is going to get old and wrinkly, so if you want a good life partner, you’re going to have to prioritize personality traits and common interests over physical attractiveness, otherwise you’re going to end up paired up with somebody who doesn’t do it for you.
Please don’t do that to people you claim to love. How heartbreaking would it be to find out your partner doesn’t find you attractive. Horrible and selfish.
I understand wanting to get a read on how other relationships work, but I’d also like to say wayyy to many relationships are not good examples, and even the ones that do look like good examples can look very different from the inside.
Getting more information is almost always good, but be careful to take it with a grain of salt, and above all do what feels right by you and your partner over advice you got from people who’s relationships you don’t know too much about.
We are talking about looks per OP's prompt. There is nothing wrong with less attractive but you ain't gonna "date up" unless you got something really going for you and even then vast majority of people end up with same looking person.
I’m not personally insulted. I just think it’s incredibly shitty to treat dating like some kind of caste system where people “belong” at a certain level. I can see why you said you can’t “score” anyone that you view as more attractive when you view things that way.
Mentally, definitely. But we’re talking about physically here. Physical attractiveness is pretty much the same across all humans, or rather what isn’t attractive. Extreme mutilations and similar for example.
Physical attractiveness is pretty much the same across all humans,
I take your point, and I used to believe that, but I learned my view was a pretty narrow, compared to the options/tastes expressed by the diverse people I’ve met, since.