Passive Aggressive signals

Vinny_93 , 22 days ago

My wife is queen of passive aggression. She will say certain things that only hint at something being my fault, or sigh or do certain things in a way that shows discomfort

fmstrat , 22 days ago

Knew someone like this, took a while to learn how unhealthy it is. Politely call it out by asking “This seems to really be bothering you and I don’t want to be doing that to you. What’s actually wrong here?”

For many, it’s amazing how quickly behaviors can change when they realize they can be straight forward without a negative reaction.

Edit: Supportive can be the best reaction in most situations. Home, work, etc. As long as it doesn’t harm your own mental or physical health, and that you also get what you need.

grrgyle , 22 days ago

I think that’s a perfect response. You’re leading with sincerity, but also throwing it back on them to try and reason out what’s really bothering them (rather than taking it on yourself).

fmstrat , 21 days ago

Thanks, over the years I have failed enough at this to learn. Hoping others can benefit from that without the hurdles to get there.

Mothra , 22 days ago

My mother was super passive aggressive. I grew up to consider it normal and it took me a while to see ot for what it is. Just like you describe, her style was a friendly demeanor coupled with acid remarks. And the remarks were absolutely on purpose, I know this because she would often tell me how smartly she gave so and so a comeback and so on, and how they felt ashamed but didn’t say anything back at her etc etc.

I was also on her line of fire sometimes, oh boy. It was so tough to recognise it but once I did I stood up against it. Whenever I see people behaving like that on a regular basis I just try my best not to interact with them.

thurstylark , 22 days ago (edited 22 days ago)

My mom is also passive aggressive, but I don’t think she realizes how bad it really is. She genuinely believes that she is operating in good faith, and is being kind or polite by not being direct.

But if you look past what she is saying, and listen to what she’s implying, it becomes very clear that she is extremely judgmental when others don’t live up to her impossible standards.

For context, I believe she has pretty good reason to have “come by it honestly”, as it were; Her father was in the Army, and spent a lot of her childhood flying Hueys in Vietnam, which left the kids with their born-and-raised Southern Baptist mother who holds a bachelor’s in Home Ec, and lived on base. It was pretty much drilled into her from the youngest age possible that keeping up appearances is absolutely crucial, and failing to do so or to care about doing so is a moral failing. She was basically trained by the Queen of passive aggression.

She fully believes she’s being considerate when offering use of her RV bathroom as an alternative to the bathroom in my aunt and uncle’s house. What’s wrong with that, you ask? Because the reason she considers that bathroom unsuitable is not because it doesn’t function properly, but because it doesn’t meet her standard of cleanliness.

She truly doesn’t understand that this single statement tells me everything I need to know about her opinion of the state of my living space. Also, considering that I’m entirely uninterested in someone’s judgment of me and/or my partner based on standards that are not possible for me to keep, it all but guaranteed that she will never be welcome in my home.

Because I know exactly what the result would be: More backhanded “kindness” in the form of unhelpful advice for disabled people written by non-disabled people, gifts of cleaning supplies, questions about my progress on tackling clutter, etc., etc…

The best way I’ve found to handle it is to take her implication, and state it bluntly. Hooooooooo boy, does it take the wind outta her sails when her polite facade is summarily ripped away mid conversation. She never expects it, because she starts these conversations with her own idea about how it will go. It’s incredibly satisfying to see the glimpse of sincerety as she realizes that the tools she uses to control her image are suddenly useless.

Now, I could rag on the mistakes of my parents until the cows come home, but just to be clear, I believe she is earnestly attempting kindness, and doesn’t realize what she’s doing. She was just held to impossible expectations by a strict, overwhelmed caregiver who was a poor role model because of their inappropriate priorities (among a long list of other things). It’s still hurtful behavior, and it still needs to stop, and I will continue calling her out on it, but I don’t blame her for it.

That being said, I refuse to pass this on. The passive aggressive lineage ends with me.

E: accidentally a word

Mothra , 21 days ago

Kudos to you for ending the lineage. Yes I totally agree in many cases passive aggression isn’t deliberate, but it can be very harmful to those receiving it anyway. I’ve seen my mother do both. Pointing out the deliberate cases on the spot will also rip off her mask like you say, but in the other cases it’s very hard to make her see it. Cue in gaslighting and denial… Eventually she does come around though but she needs to see the damage to understand she was being aggressive in the first place.

HubertManne , 22 days ago

oh man. I can't speak without being sarcastic Its the only language I know.

MeetInPotatoes , 22 days ago

As I was first scrolling, I read this title as “Passive Aggressive Sandals” and now that’s all I choose to think about.

Crocs unabashedly WITH socks, right in your face.

Nemo , 22 days ago

Honestly, most accusations of passive aggression seem to be from people used to more blunt social mores towards people with more circumspect ones.

But passive aggression IS real, and comes down to one thing: Trying to have conflict without confrontation; trying to attack or criticise others without allowing for response.

Phrasing a request by stating a desire that someone do the thing is not passive-agressive. Writing an angry anonymous note IS passive-aggressive. Criticizing a problem to someone who can fix it is not passive-agressive. Criticizing someone for a problem to a third person IS passive-aggressive.

eezeebee , 22 days ago

I know what you are talking about, but I try not to think about it too much. First of all, you have no way of knowing for sure that they are being passive aggressive, or just trying to be polite but coming off awkwardly. I hate when people make assumptions on how I must be feeling, so I try not to make assumptions about them. Maybe they got some bad news that day, are struggling with something I’m unaware of, etc.

If I do detect some sort of aggression, I just try to complete my part of the transaction as quickly as possible and be on my way. Maybe they are irritated, but I don’t need to hang around to find out, and digging into it isn’t going to help either of us.

grrgyle , 22 days ago

Just going to second this point of not really knowing what’s going on in someone’s head: I’ve known a few of people over the years who just had a “weird” (to me) affect, or manner, and it’s only after spending more time when them that I learned to read them properly.

And just speaking of myself, I know I can come off as angry when I’m just quietly thinking, or sarcastic when I’m really just trying to be earnest and straightforward. Like really really trying lol

Could also be that you’ve simply encountered yourself a jerk, in which case, you can safely dismiss them

Carrolade , 22 days ago

It’s pretty rare for the smiling and friendly person to be throwing subtle shade, that stuff usually comes from a more neutral initial presentation. In the event it does happen it can sometimes be difficult to detect, for sure, but I wouldn’t let those rare exceptions bother you too much.

Regarding detection, there’s almost always subtle tone and/or body posture cues that will mark it. They’re circumstantial though, and vary person to person as well. One of those things you learn as you get to know someone. None is surefire, either, the ambiguity is the whole point, after all.