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How should I change my polite behavior to be more accommodating?

My parents raised me to always say “yes sir” and “no ma’am”, and I automatically say it to service workers and just about anyone with whom I’m not close that I interact with. I noticed recently that I had misgendered a cashier when saying something like “no thank you, ma’am” based on their appearing AFAB, but on a future visit to the store they had added their pronouns (they) to their name tag. I would feel bad if their interaction with me was something they will remember when feeling down. This particular person has a fairly androgynous haircut/look and wears a store uniform, so there’s no gender clue there.

I am thinking I need to just stop saying “sir” and “ma’am” altogether, but I like the politeness and I don’t know how I would replace it in a gender-neutral way. Is there anything better than just dropping it entirely?

For background I’m a millennial and more than happy to use people’s correct pronouns if I know them!

Nemo ,

I see a lot of unhelpful comments so far, so just let me say that I get where you’re coming from and am also seeking a good option.

In informal situations, I use “cousin” or “neighbor”; at work with patrons I use “sir” or “miss” if I think I can guess the gender and “my friend” if I’m unsure. (“Miss” instead of “ma’am” or “madam” because apparently Easterners have a weird age connotation with those terms that I honestly don’t fully understand.) I also use “friends” for a mixed group. But I’ve got nothing for a formal situation such as addressing a stranger on the street.

For those telling OP –and by extension, my Midwestern self– that just saying “excuse me” or “thank you” is fine… respectfully, no. That doesn’t address the person. I get that manners vary by region, but it doesn’t help us to be polite in an ungendered way in the regions we are.

clay_pidgin OP ,

That’s exactly how I’m thinking, thank you. I used service workers as an example, but it’s much wider then that. Strangers of any kind, especially people with whom I may want to be a little deferential. Older folks, people doing me a service, someone with authority like a teacher at my kids school.

Sir and ma’am are in addition to the please and thank you, which are the minimum.

twice_twotimes ,

I am also midwestern, and I have a problem with both miss and ma’am. The entire fact that there are two of them (and just the one for men) implies that age determines some portion of a woman’s societal value.

So as a fellow midwesterner, I’m not sure I agree with the idea that this is fully regionalized rather than a vaguer community-based (your church, your town, your parents’ profession, your school system…). I do hear that you want to be authentic to your own values and upbringing and completely appreciate that. But I’d consider whether the point of politeness terms and honorifics is to make you, the speaker, feel like you’re doing the right thing or about making your addressee feel seen and valued. If it’s the second, then you might consider whether it’s worth developing a new way of showing respect that can feel equally authentic in contexts where you may be unintentionally be making others uncomfortable.

Nemo ,

worth developing a new way of showing respect that can feel equally authentic

That’s the whole point if this post, trying to find a new (to me) and authentic way of recognizing others without connotations of gender (and since you cogently brought it up, age).

Potatos_are_not_friends ,

Appreciate the recognition on your part!

My wife actually called me out on my one worded answers, as the way I say it (my tone of voice), it comes off very unfriendly or cold.

Before –

“Do you want more water?”

Me: “Yep.” (Cold silence.)

Now –

“Do you want more water?”

Me: “Yes please! Thank you so much.”

I absolutely noticed a difference by just adding more words makes me come off less hostile and more polite.

clay_pidgin OP ,

That’s great. I recognize that folks with whom I interact at their work are often treated indifferently at best, and I like to make their day a little better if I can.

KillingAndKindess ,
@KillingAndKindess@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

I’m often on the opposite side of your cashier experience.

For me personally, I appreciate the polite gesture and understand the automatic nature it can be for some, especially southerners. So unless I can tell that I’m being “sir’d” with someone who has clocked me and wants to show their smoothbrain, then I don’t care much.

That said, I like the general idea of treating everyone with a nonconfrontational politeness, so I’ve been replacing formal pronouns with chief, coach, Bud, comrade, etc. Its ended up being even more disarming for most, and has a nice side effect of reducing the amount that I get misgendered.

Hope it helps, Have a great day chief!

clay_pidgin OP ,

It does, thanks Bud!

TheButtonJustSpins ,

Thanks, boss.

slazer2au ,

When I don’t know which to use I will fall back on the old Aussie “mate” title.

clay_pidgin OP ,

That’s fun. Do you do the accent? Or are you actually from down under?

slazer2au ,

I am an Aussie.

clay_pidgin OP ,

Awesome.

Eczpurt ,

Working at a gas station, most of the truckers that came in would call me “boss” or “chief” which I thought was funny. Like “thanks boss” or “how’s it going chief”. Not sure its for everyone but its certainly neutral in my eyes.

clay_pidgin OP ,

I could do “boss”. Thanks for the reply.

bernieecclestoned ,

Please and thank yous are enough to be polite to strangers.

taladar ,

“Good morning/day/evening” or something similar always seemed to be appreciated and “Have a nice/great day/week/weekend/…” works quite well in most situations where you or other people are leaving too.

Devi ,

Yes, please and No, thank you do me fine

davel ,
@davel@lemmy.ml avatar

I don’t know where you grew up, but this sounds like “southern hospitality.” I’m a gen-x New Englander, and it always creeped me out because I suspected it originated from slavery, and it seems I was right: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_hospitality

200ok ,

I can relate! Thank you for helping put a reason behind the ick I was instinctively feeling!!

davel ,
@davel@lemmy.ml avatar

I don’t think that kind of thing is unique to the South nor its link to slavery. In a larger scope, it’s a deference to class hierarchy. George Orwell in Homage to Catalonia, talking about his experience in socialist Barcelona during the Spanish Civil War:

Waiters and shop-walkers looked you in the face and treated you as an equal. Servile and even ceremonial forms of speech had temporarily disappeared. Nobody said ‘Señor’ or ‘Don’ or even ‘Usted’; everyone called everyone else ‘Comrade’ and ‘Thou’, and said ‘Salud!’ instead of ‘Buenos días’. Tipping was forbidden by law; almost my first experience was receiving a lecture from a hotel manager for trying to tip a lift-boy.

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

Sir and ma’am are so far divorced from any of that as to be absurd.

Nor is polite formality a purely southern thing at all. People up north used to teach their kids to sir and ma’am their teachers too.

walden ,

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Strangers shouldn’t expect you to know everything about them.

clay_pidgin OP ,

That’s probably fair.

cerement ,
@cerement@slrpnk.net avatar

try talking to them as people, not service workers – friendly, sympathetic, understanding go much further than politeness (and, as a side note, pronouns don’t come up nearly as often when you’re talking with people rather than to people) – “Hello”, “Thank you”, “Yes, please”, “No, thanks”, “Sounds good”, “Sorry, but nope”, “Not today”, …

TheButtonJustSpins ,

I’d drop it altogether, but maybe replace with “friend” as a midway point where you feel the need?

cerement ,
@cerement@slrpnk.net avatar

“Hail and well met, comrade!”

rdyoung ,

Or just call everyone dude.

VaultBoyNewVegas ,

The dude abides

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