allenstenhaus

alexisbushnell , 8 days ago to actuallyautistic

Question for @actuallyautistic folks: how can you tell if someone is just an asshole or if they're entirely or partly coming across that way because they're Autistic?

Context: an Autistic guy locally has openly said he's a troll & now claims he's trying to change but his behaviour remains the same. He can't understand why people won't give him another chance or answer his (now allegedly) genuine questions about stuff (largely trans stuff).
I don't know if I'm wasting my time trying to help him.

allenstenhaus , 8 days ago

@alexisbushnell
If it's online, I block and move on. If they genuinely want to learn, they can do so from someone else they've not yet offended.

In real life, we can't really block and move on. In that case, if there's even a chance of sincerity here, someone should guide him. Even though it's not inherently anyone else's responsibility, this could be the tipping point that changes him into a better person.

When I was a young adult (long before we knew about our autism), I was one of those "brutally honest" jerks who enjoyed the brutality more than the honesty. I was taught from moment one that honesty is the best policy, even negative honesty. I was so often punished for even little white lies that I turned the truth into a weapon so it could no longer be used against me. Words were my armor and my weapons.

It took me a while to learn I was weaponizing honesty as a defense mechanism. This is often learned in adolescence, but since many autistic people develop at a slower pace than their autistic peers, it took me an additional decade to learn this.

The point is, he may truly be willing to learn and is just struggling to drop the bad habits. With me and many autistic people I know, clear almost brutally honest communication will work best. If he says something sexist, for instance, just straight up say "That is sexist and if you're going to continue to speak like that, we can't be friends." It'll be a little painful for him, but better a little pain now from someone trying to help than a lot of pain later from someone seeking vengeance.

It's over 15 years later for me, and I don't dare think of where I would be had one kind woman (who became one of my dearest pocket friends) gave me gentle but clear guidance from time to time. Psychologically, she adopted me. Because of my abandonment issues from my mother and her personal experience with similar, she knew what I needed. I needed someone to teach me from a mother's perspective, and she had a need to teach.

Without her influence specifically, I would have become a terrible person. My high-masking nature allows me to pick up on others behaviors and adjust mine to survive. The behaviors are not always good ones. It's why with age I have become far more selective with who I allow to influence me.

The point to this incredibly long post is, if you have the energy and desire, you can be the catalyst that turns him into a decent person. His behavior is almost certainly a trauma-based defense mechanism. If you can handle the sharp tongue, he can be better. If he's asking and he is autistic, then he is likely being sincere.

If you can't help him (You are under no obligation), then I hope he finds the people who can. He sounds like a much younger version of me, very damaged, but still has some potential with the correct guidance.
@actuallyautistic @pathfinder

LehtoriTuomo , 10 days ago to actuallyautistic

This morning I'm thinking about contradictory sides in me. I'm a reserved person who doesn't react quickly. Until I make a very quick gut decision. For instance, it's hard for me to let people close, or even get to know them. However, with some people it happens almost instantly. (I'm now guessing they're not NT either...)

I don't like change and prefer routines but once the change has happened, I'm likely to adapt very quickly to the new situation (unless it requires being social). For example, I don't like to move as it changes everything. Afterwards I've settled really quickly and love being in the new place.

In fact, even though I like my routines, sometimes I like to shake things up when I get bored. Not basic routines though, more like special interest types of things. While some of these are autism things, I'm also wondering whether there's AuDHD in play.

#ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD @actuallyautistic

allenstenhaus , 10 days ago

@LehtoriTuomo
This sounds quite similar to my AuDHD.
@actuallyautistic @pathfinder

AnAutieAtUni , 11 days ago to actuallyadhd

Just came across the best metaphor for my ADHD related anxieties:

It’s like being worried I left the gas on at home when going out - multiply this by the number of things I need to remember.

If there is just one thing that I might have forgotten, I can think through whether or not the metaphorical gas might left be on, and figure things out. Quick anxious blip but very manageable.

Multiple things? Yikes! Too many variables to think about all at once, so much potential risk! Plus can’t settle in case I accidentally metaphorically leave even more gas on.

Does this metaphor work for anyone else? Or is there another one you use?

@actuallyadhd #ADHD

allenstenhaus , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni
This is quite accurate. With my significant memory impairment in the last 6-12 months, that issue has gotten far worse.

It's harder to determine if there's a real problem or it's just my anxiety.
@actuallyadhd @pathfinder