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How to stop thinking about an interaction from my past?

At the first college I went to, which I later dropped out of because it was austere, cruel, and awful, I went to a little high school tour day thing. They had a seminar for prospective students; one of the faculty talking had people coming up and asking him questions at the end, in a classroom. This was fairly informal, but it had this stuffy bullshit ‘prestigious,’ ‘serious’ academia vibe like, ‘ooh, this school is really tough, gonna be really miserable for you.’

And I asked the speaker at the end, like, ‘So what do computer science majors actually do day to day in classes? Like, what sort of projects do they work on?’ Completely earnestly, because I was curious because I thought it’d be a cool answer. And he literally said to me, ‘That’s really more of a lunchroom question,’ in the most pretentious tone I’ve ever heard in my life. good christ.

And I went to that school! And it was miserable! Honestly, I didn’t even fully understand or realize how utterly rude and pretentious this dude was being to me until recently. I thought I was asking a ‘silly’ question, but NO! NO, absolutely not, it is absolutely a valid question at a college tour day as a little high school kid. And this guy genuinely seemed so offended and put off that I’d dare ask him a silly question, like he was above answering. I genuinely did not have the brainpower at the time to process such an upjumped pretentious moron.

ZosoRocks3 ,

Sounds like you have the thought stuck in your head, it can help to complete a thought record (I would recommend this 7 column one from get.gg get.gg/free-downloads-alphabetical-list-of-cbt-wo… ). Doing something like this a few times can weaken the thought by addressing the emotion behind it and the lack of evidence for this on an ongoing basis. If the emotion is shame or guilt say, by finding evidence of times where you were very competent and confident can weaken those feelings by showing this as a one off.

jol ,

You don’t forget it. You use it as a gauge of what nasty people are like and you progress the opposite direction. These interactions helped shape who you are. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Never stop asking questions.

asdfasdfasdf ,

It depends - when you think about this interaction, how does it make you feel? I don’t mean what do you think. It’s clear you realize the guy was a dick. But do you feel insecure? Like make he was right? Or are you mad at him for being so pretentious? Confused?

To clarify, he definitely was 100% wrong. But the reason you keep thinking of it might be due to feeling more so than logic.

MudSkipperKisser ,

To me it seems clear this guy didn’t actually know the answer to your question and his ego was too large to just say “I’m so sorry I don’t have a great answer for that but I’ll introduce you to Professor Yada Yada who can better answer that”. I’ve had similar experiences within the medical community where a doctor’s ego prevented me from being able to find someone who understood and could genuinely treat a chronic condition I have while simultaneously making me feel like utter shit mentally. Realizing this person’s ego was too big for them to just admit that they don’t know the answer alleviated a lot of the self-imposed responsibility surrounding the situation.

Basically this guy is a narcissistic asshat who’s also an idiot (the worst possible combination of traits). Your question was genuinely a good and thoughtful question. The burden of this failed interaction is on him, not you.

crashfrog ,

You’re not going to like it, but the way you get over and past something like this is forgiveness. You have to forgive the pretentious twat who had the temerity to speak to you that way; you forgive him because that’s how you eliminate his power over you. You forgive him because that’s how you pull out the hooks. You forgive him because the alternative is, what? Carry this around in you forever? Find him and beat the shit out of him?

Just forgive him. Ultimately, he didn’t have your gifts - the gift of grace, the gift of the expansive generosity of spirit that leads a person not to construe literally every social encounter as “which one of us is coming out on top? It better be me.” The gift of not reflexively being a shithead to people, maybe. Whatever. You almost pity him. Almost.

Forgiveness is how you get past it. People don’t like to hear it, but it is.

detalferous ,

Gold medal answer

When you forgive, you set someone free. And that person is yourself.

PhantomAudio ,

as someone that struggles with mental health, i am always on the the lookout for new tools to add to my collection. this one, lomg pause, this one hit really hard and very deep.

ive heard the forgiveness strategy put many different ways. this is simple and to the point. thank you

mrcleanup ,

I mean, yes, but they also need to forgive themself for not better understanding the situation and being better able to respond to it. We often blame ourselves for being vulnerable to the abuses of others.

crashfrog ,

Sure, if that’s what OP is grappling with. I didn’t read a lot of self-recrimination into their message, but if I was mistaken, then sure - the most important forgiveness is what you offer yourself.

blahsay ,

Acceptance is key. That was you then. This is you now, a different person. The fact that you can look back and feel shame proves your change and growth. Accept the past as necessary as part of your growth and realise literally everyone is in the same boat.

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