I feel that. I have bouts of really strong suicidal ideation once or twice a year that last 3-4 weeks. Been that way since ~2018. Ngl it’s harder and harder every time one of those moods come around. The only reason I’m still here is because of my parents, wife and cats. Hopefully that continues to be a good enough reason because god knows I can’t afford a psychiatrist, therapist, or meds