To test those strong in will and trusting in faith.
And God forbade Moses from inserting himself between the couch cushion or folding the pillows in half for pleasure. A second and third time, God commanded Moses, “thou shalt not hump the armrest whilst spanking thyself and going ‘ungh ungh ungh ungh!’”
As Moses mounted the backrest of the couch, God told Moses he was starting to get pissed off. “What?! I can’t even make love to the back cushions?!” Moses exclaimed. “No, not upon any part of the couch shall you spread your seed, I just had it reupholstered.”
Defiantly, Moses did then crap upon his own hand and smeared his filth upon God’s couch. God grew impatient and chided Moses, “You bastard! I’ll fucking kill you before you ever reach Israel for that!” And He saw that it was good while Moses made faces at God and falsely claimed he did not wish to enter Israel anyway.