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james

@[email protected]

🐾 Artist (commissions open) 🐾 Musician

About me:
it/its/they/them - 30's - neurodivergent - queer - nb - 🇺🇸 - vegan - pretty much a cow

Topics I like:
animals - linguistics - old web - 90's nostalgia - music making - writing - cooking - philosophy - game design - environmentalism

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ScottSoCal , to actuallyautistic
@ScottSoCal@computerfairi.es avatar

@actuallyautistic

A question, for anyone who wants to answer, about trust.

If someone breaks your trust in a fundamental way, can you "get over it" and trust them again?
I have a situation where I'm being told I need to get over it, and I think I have - I'm no longer angry. But trust them again? Put myself in a situation where I could be hurt by them again? No. I've never done that before, why should I start now?

And is this a me thing, or an autism thing?

james ,
@james@bark.lgbt avatar

@ScottSoCal @actuallyautistic I believe it's an autistic thing to have a heightened sense of justice. I feel like this article covers it and other aspects of different autistic emotions well, might help in this situation https://neuroclastic.com/very-grand-emotions/

I'm sorry you're being told to "get over" something, not very empathetic. Usually when people tell me something like that, they're frustrated. So I find it helpful to figure out what it is that they're frustrated about and tackle that separately.

Asking you to make yourself less isn't really a fair ask on their part, so I tend to stick to my ground on that front. Usually something along the lines of, "I need to respect my feelings, and I feel uncomfortable in this situation because of XY and z. I know you don't want me to feel uncomfortable, so let's figure out a solution.." I would make sure that the trust break is evident and provide info on what it would take for me to feel better... Usually time, space, & the incident not repeating again.

chevalier26 , to actuallyautistic
@chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic I’m in shock right now and feel like I could burst into tears…my parents and I are out at lunch, and my mom just asked me out of the blue, “what gives you joy?” And I said, “why are you asking me that?” She essentially responded by telling me that to her, I showed no evidence that I had any joy in my life, and that there is nothing that makes me happy.

I’m at a loss for words.

james ,
@james@bark.lgbt avatar

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic I'm sorry she said that to you, that's a very hurtful assumption on her part.

My friend often pointed her finger back and forth between me and her when rejecting a statement like that, to emphasize agency. She'd say, "You cannot tell Me what I feel, or make assumptions about that"

I, being super literal, took ages to learn that emotional underpinnings affect outward behavior/language. A random question may have charged emotions under it, that the person for w/e reason has trouble verbally discussing directly.

If your mom is like mine, she may be worried she failed you & too emotionally on a razor edge to self reflect yet. That emotional chaos points outward and can cause her to insist that I address what she sees as shortcomings ... So that she feels better.

She didn't understand until a lot later on that A) these assumptions hurt B) I can't change everything, I'm autistic and enby, etc C) not to project how easy things are for her, onto me

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