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Tattie

@[email protected]

Edinburgh-based, carbohydrate-laden, binary evading spud. Trans liberation, autistic pride. :heart_nonbinary: :flag_genderfluid: :heart_transgender: 🥔 :heart_lesbian: 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 :autism:

I write things on Medium! Click #TattieWrites for a list of my articles on being trans and other thoughts.

#nonbinary #trans #woman #genderfluid #femby #sapphic #lesbian #ActuallyAutistic #ptsd #Scotland #Edinburgh

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JeremyMallin , to actuallyautistic
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

I wonder if the reason that English was my least favorite subject in school despite getting As in it had something to do with autism. It always struck me as somewhat vague and subjective. Was not liking it for those reasons an autistic thing or just a me thing?

@actuallyautistic

Tattie ,
@Tattie@eldritch.cafe avatar

@independentpen this sounds likely. I remember in French class being told "these are the patterns, except for X,Y and Z", and asking "but why these exceptions?" The teacher got annoyed and snapped back "they just are, so memorise them and stop wasting time with questions".

But I can only memorise things that fit into patterns. I did very poorly at languages because the answer was always "just memorise it"

I wonder what autistic-friendly language teaching would be like
@JeremyMallin @devlord @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , to actuallyautistic

Mentioned to a coworker that I'm getting some books, for example on autism, and as they showed interest in the topic, proceeded to lightly info dump. Did give some space so that it was a true conversation. However, it reminded me of a thing I've been pondering.

As I present male, I've always been overly cautious of not mansplaining -- or at least ever since I learned about the term. Now that I know I'm autistic, I understand it's entangled with having learned that NTs don't like infodumping.

Whatever the cause, I have a tendency to stay silent even if I know about the topic at hand but aren't 100% certain that it's appropriate to talk about it. Sometimes it makes me sad.

@actuallyautistic

Tattie ,
@Tattie@eldritch.cafe avatar

@felyashono yes, this is key I think.
Ever since I learned about 'splaining, I've been more careful to check that I'm not being patronising. "Stop me if you know this all already", "have you heard of X?", etc.

Because a 'splainer just assumes that women and minorities are ignorant of the things they know about. That's what makes them so infuriating.
@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic

pathfinder , to actuallyautistic
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

I've just finished watching the first series of "A kind of spark" on BBC iPlayer. Although, this is not about this excellent show. Rather, it's about the struggle I had with watching it and why it took me two attempts to get through it.

The fact is, that found it quite triggering. Now I know it's about, and probably made for, teenagers and the struggles they go through at school and especially being autistic and at school. And even though school was a very long time ago for me and in another age of man. I still couldn't help comparing it to my own experiences and not just in school, but throughout my life, and how much similarity I could see. Not, in the details, obviously, but in the way I would constantly run afoul of people, or somehow be on their wrong side of someone, even before we'd properly met. The sheer pettiness of some of it and the hurt it so often caused me, as much by my not understanding it, as by the unfairness of it. Of how many toes I'd stood on, without meaning to, or even knowing I'd done it and how much of my life I'd actually spent bewildered and upset by the situations I would find myself in and the actions I couldn't understand of the people around me.

Of course, no-one, least of all myself, knew that I was autistic back then, because that would probably have made it much worse. But knowing I am autistic now, at least gives me an understanding of why some people might have reacted this way. How, in some ways, at least, I've never really behaved in the ways that others might find appropriate, to their position, or status, or sense of worth. How socially blundering my way through life, of necessity, includes many toes I could step on and people who could be offended.

But, of course, understanding this now, doesn't really ease the memories. Neither of the pain I did cause, without meaning to, or the pain I received. It doesn't make the life I've had easier, only easier to understand.

And that, in a sense, is what this show made me have to face. That no matter how privileged my life has been. How much easier I've had it, compared to so, so, many others. It's never been easy. There have only been moments, brief and sometimes, admittedly, not so brief periods where my life seemed to make sense and I felt, if not entirely in control, at least in somewhat of a comfort zone. That I was OK and that I could just get on with doing things my way and just being myself. Not without cost, of course, normally in hard, unremitting, work and effort. In often struggling with feelings of guilt and shame about how selfish I was having to be. Because, that was what carving out my own world felt like. Not necessary, or even justified, but selfish and almost petty of me.

And then, of course, there would always be something that would intrude from the outside world. As often, as not, something petty and officious that would dump me back into the turmoil and uncertainty. Because, you can never really isolate yourself from the world, as much as some of us would love to. And so much of this world really isn't made for us. It will always be hard and there will always be those who delight in making it harder. Those who are truly petty and selfish, in the ways that we aren't, and others who will try to use that hate to benefit themselves. It's why carving out our safe spaces will always be difficult, but also, so very necessary.


Tattie ,
@Tattie@eldritch.cafe avatar

@pathfinder there was a scene that gave me a panic attack, it was so reminiscent of what I went through. Really hard watching.
@actuallyautistic

essie_is_okay , to actuallyautistic
@essie_is_okay@aus.social avatar

How did you make a more robust sense of self? How do you know when your sense of self is strong or weak? Interested to hear people's lived experiences.

Years of dissociation and masking makes it hard to feel what is me.

@actuallyautistic

Tattie ,
@Tattie@eldritch.cafe avatar

@essie_is_okay weirdly I was dreaming of something relevant last night, you've just reminded me of it. I was myself but not, and I could become one of multiple personalities by doing a little ritualistic motion or something. Except one of the "personalities" was a pure dissociative state, which was unpleasant.

That dream is kinda an exaggeration of my actual lived experience. IRL I'm still trying to create a single "me" personality. Like another poster here I needed to transition for that to even be possible-- I now believe it was largely gender-related trauma which shattered my sense of self in the first place. Transition has given me access again to my sense of "I like this, this is how I want to dress, decorate, live." And that's giving me a sense of who I am as a person.

When I can't access that, when I'm indecisive and directionless, that's probably a good indication of when my sense of self is less strong.
@actuallyautistic

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