Npfmorsan

pathfinder , 11 hours ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Earlier this evening I spent a very pleasant few hours with the tattered remains of my family, eating really good Chinese food, my favourite, in a not overcrowded restaurant. I enjoyed it a great deal, especially as I don't get to see the widely spread members of my family that often. It was a really pleasant night, spent catching up, joking, laughing and generally being amongst family.

I left though, and please pardon my French, completely fucked. This is something my family will never understand, or even something I could even try and make them understand. But then, how do you even try to explain the following to those you love and yet who have no idea that this is even possible?

For over two hours, I had to try and focus on what five people were saying and not the four other tables I could hear and the conversations that a total of eleven other people were having. Several of which were quite interesting and one of which was more than a little juicy.

That I had to try and understand what my family was saying, in terms of what I know about them and what it meant to them and my best guess of what they weren't saying and perhaps what they were trying to imply and therefore I should know.

That I had to translate my replies into the framework that they would understand and the style of communication that they were expecting and that they could accept.

That so many of the urges I had to express the bleeding obvious had to be curtailed, or at least reframed into acceptable replies.

That energy was being wasted on a level of ingrained masking around them, that with the best will in the world, I can't seem to stop. As much as anything because it has had decades to become entrenched.

That all the time I was hyper aware of my surroundings, the coming and goings of everyone. The staff, the other diners. That the partially sighted man had left his white stick behind when he had gone to the toilet, a fact that I almost got up to point out to a member of staff, just before another one realised that this had happened. Even the meal the nearby table had ordered and the fact that when it was delivered the waiter got it the wrong way round and had to be corrected.

So much processing, so much work being done and sometimes on levels that I can't actually control, because it's purely automatic and instinctual. So much energy expanded on enjoying a wonderful night with my family. And I can't help remembering all the times that my family has wondered and had a go at me for becoming irritable, or unsocial during family events. And all I can think, knowing what I know now, is, if only you could know.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Npfmorsan , 4 hours ago

@pathfinder totally relatable, two hours is my max limit for this type of interactions before I need to break or end it before the mask is depleted. And the need to mask to your own family takes even more effort than to other less close people. You described it very well. @actuallyautistic

theautisticcoach , 9 months ago to actuallyautistic

What’s been the most important thing you’ve learned about yourself during your #ActuallyAutistic journey?

#AskingAutistics @actuallyautistic

Npfmorsan , 9 months ago

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic the various ways to process information and different communication styles. And Neuroscience is fun.