This is a long one folks, but I'm on my Vyvanse and I wanted to talk about what it meant to me realizing I wasn't neurotypical as a 40 year old person.
Discovering I was neurodivergent as an adult, as a middle-aged adult, has been eye-opening.
First, I learned that I was never the lazy, stupid, not-trying-hard-enough, can't sit still, "stop moving!", "why are you humming?", etc person I was always told I was.
I was able to look back and see that the world was hostile to people like me and that it wasn't my fault and that, contrary to what I had been told, I wasn't broken.
I was just different.
I could see myself and my life through kinder eyes and stop repeating the abuse that I experiences from people trying to push me to be "normal".
I could silence the voices in my head telling me how worthless I am.
I could understand "why" I was the way I was and why it wasn't something I could simply change away if I had enough will power.
Anyone who is late diagnosed can relate to that.
You are not alone.
You are not defective.
You are just different.
And, yes, it made me acutely aware of all the internalized ableism I had toward neorudivergence. I thought I was broken and wrong and needed to try harder. I thought everybody was supposed to be normal, neurotypical.
What I didn't expect and never realized is that I was using those same harsh, unrealistic guidelines to judge others. I was being an asshole bitch to other neurodivergent people.
I felt like I was doing them a favor by pointing out their faults because that's what had always been done to me.
I thought that was the right way to relate to them.
I didn't see them as kindred people to join hands with but as broken people who hadn't been pushed hard enough to get get better like I did, that hadn't learned all the masking techniques I had learned, that didn't push themselves into meltdowns trying to be "normal". And I blamed them for it.
Because I had always blamed myself for my life, and so had everyone else.
My problems were my fault so their problems had to be theirs.
I was part of the problem and I didn't notice until I received a diagnosis. I didn't notice until I understood that being the way I am is not an error or a problem to be solved and that the world of neurotypical folks is unusually cruel to people who think differently or who don't value the arbitrary rules of culture.
I see my friends, my family, my co-workers all in a different light now. I recognize their neurodivergence and, instead of seeing it as a flaw or weakness, I just see it as a difference. Better, it is a difference that I have been taught how to accommodate by the neurodivergent community at large and by mental health professionals helping me.
For the guy at work who is clearly an undiagnosed autistic, I make sure I spell out everything explicitly when I send an email or a message so there are as few ambiguities as possible. For the folks with ADHD, I do not take their inability to stay on task as a personal attack.
I'm trying to give them the kindness and compassion that I always appreciated even before I was diagnosed. I want them to see that they are not broken or wrong or backwards. They are valued human beings and they have their own strengths that a neurotypical person would never be able to reach.
That autistic guy makes some of the most thorough documentation you'll see and, if you want someone to tell you how to do things by the book, he's the one.
For the various ADHD folks, I know when I have something novel and new, I can rely on them to jump in and give me fast feedback and opinions.
So, finding out you are neurodivergent doesn't just help you see yourself and your past in a new light; it helps you see everyone in your life in a new way.
That's why it's important to know.