I was married for 13 years to a BPD witch. It was abusive, one time I spit my own blood in her face (proud of that). She liked to pick fights and hit me. Other than restraining her from hitting me and catching punches, I only got physical twice. Once with a coat hanger and once when I slapped her while I was holding a baby. Finally lost my religion and got out.
After some time, I started dating again. Using OkCupid when it was still good. Made two piles. One night stands and prospects.
All the crazy ones went into one night stands. It was fun.
Prospects were primarily sorted by intelligence, communication, kinkiness, career, having failed relationships and kids. First date was a lot like a job interview.
I hunted down the white buffalo. We just bought a play farm. She’s nasty in bed, makes great money, is an amazing cook, sweet as pie, smart as a whip, has a fat bottom and is easy on my eyes. She’s all around a better person than me.
Second time around I married up. I do my best to measure myself against making her happy.
We compare ourselves to mules. We’re both pulling, if one mule stumbles, the other pulls harder until we can both pull again.
We’ve had tense discussions. Never yelled except during danger and never in anger. It’s so easy it’s scary. Trust and love that are still growing.