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Even if your parents weren't truly bad, what was the most narcissistic/narcissist-esque trait or thing they ever did?

As someone with good parents, I get very demoralized hearing about how ungodly awful most peoples’ parents were. It’s so ubiquitous that I almost (almost but not quite) subscribe to the philosophy my friends have where they hold that children should (literally) be raised “by the village” rather than by two parents, which in theory would minimize the effects of one imbalanced mind having full control over the children.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of books on narcissism and have been picking up on the idea/notion/possibility/viewpoint that narcissism is a spectrum like autism is. In autism, which itself is incredibly common due to the fact that it’s multiple genes/processes/whatever performing multiple parts of a spectrum (think a carpet representing humanity and a shattered cup on the carpet, I use the shards in this visual to represent pieces of the spectrum scattered across humanity, apologies if anyone thinks a shattered cup seems like a negative comparison, I don’t), you have the majority of humanity having some variance in it, which goes to demonstrate there’s no such thing as a neurotypical. As in, if a scouter was invented that instead of scanning your power level scanned your autism level, everyone would have their very own signature number. I would be over 9000. Same with narcissism, if this view is correct, as it would be another shattered glass on the carpet that is humanity, with the shards from both glasses overlapping in their territories (which when you think about it makes the family dynamics in The Good Doctor all the more awkward, it’s one spectrum at odds with another in a show where the main character is a medical savant with autism). And again, not trying to make an awkward comparison, I have friends who openly confess to me they’re deep on the narcissism spectrum, and these people at least are trying their best in life, as well as showing narcissism is a neutral condition that just happens to seem more negative in modern urban situations.

Consider this the sequel to my last such question which had a similar idea to it. What’s the most narcissisty your parents ever come or came, even if you hold them in generally good regards?

SteposVenzny ,

My parents had separated since before I started forming long-term memories and I was raised by my single mother. We used to visit my dad’s side of the family for a week or so every other Christmas, I lived with him for a couple months as a teenager when my home life got particularly rough due to a profoundly toxic non-parent influence and during stay that we ignored each other apart from the cliche “divorced parent and kid who don’t actually know each other at all trying to act their respective parts but neither knows how or really wants to or frankly likes the other one but they both know it’s polite to pretend” sorts of interactions which were quite sparing even as those go.

To be clear, I don’t hold any of that against him even a little bit; that’s all perfectly normal on his end as far as I’m concerned. That’s all just there for context when I tell you that, now that I’m well into my 30s, I recently heard from my older sister who actually tries to stay connected to him that he’s begun boasting about how proud he is for having shaped me into the man I am today. And, like, I’m not even on social media so I’m not a person he’s even capable of keeping tabs on from a distance if he tried. He fully has no idea who I am. He not only doesn’t deserve to take credit, he doesn’t even know what he’s taking credit for. I’m just so automatically an extension of himself by virtue of my DNA that he goes around telling other people that he’s proud of me.

(A more technically accurate but less entertaining answer to the question is that he’s politically a Libertarian.)

PerogiBoi ,
@PerogiBoi@lemmy.ca avatar

I asked my mom if she ever made mistakes and without skipping a beat she just says no. Looked at me like I was asking something very strange. I was maybe 13 or so when I asked.

some_guy ,

I can’t remember what I suggested to my father but a little bit of time went by and he introduced the same thing as his own idea. It wasn’t anything terribly important. And I think the reality was just that I planted the seed and he forgot by the time he came around to it. But I still found it distressing because of years of family shit.

OutOfThyme ,

All my life I thought that she would love me, if I achieved certain test scores or finished a certain degree.

Then there was high school graduation night. I had worked really hard to get there and I will never forget how she made that annoyed face to let me know that she wanted to leave early. It was like a punch in the gut because it became clear to me at that point that there was nothing I could do to make her love me.

She wasn’t capable of giving love. That’s really fucking sad and I am still grappling with it, but it gets easier.

hactar42 ,

Our neighborhood had large community mailboxes and my dad would always make me walk down the street to get the mail. One day there were some older kids outside and they started squirting me with water-guns. I got home and told my dad and he asked me to show him where the kids were. When I did he yelled at them saying, “don’t squirt my mail!”

The sad thing is I though he was talking about me, as in male. It wasn’t until years later I realized he didn’t give a crap about me, he was mad his mail got wet.

It’s by far not be the most narcissistic thing my dad did, (that would be beating the shit out of me for not wanting to go to church because it made him look bad). But I think about it often because I want my kids to know they are the most important thing to me, and I never want to say something that would make them think otherwise.

RedWeasel ,

Someone I know was hospitalized and their parent seemed more concerned about how it inconvenienced them than the person in the hospital.

BonesOfTheMoon ,

My mother says it’s my fault my brother is gay, because I showed him how to use the Internet. The Internet then didn’t even have websites, and we used telnet talkers, which was literally just people chatting in text format, it even predated ICQ or AOL or anything. It certainly wasn’t a place you’d turn someone gay, not that that’s a thing you can really do. She just hates that he’s gay even though we were brought up to embrace LGBT people long before people were really out.

BoxOfFeet ,

My mom was very strict with me as a child, but I don’t think it was narcissistic. She was very focused on my education. I had to do well and get a good job. But it was because she wanted me to have good health insurance as I have had chronic health issues from birth. I have a good job now, my student loans are paid off, and she was right about me needing good health insurance. Our relationship is lovely now. But I’ll probably always remember the time that I skipped a homework assignment and she spit in my face.

JusticeForPorygon ,
@JusticeForPorygon@lemmy.world avatar

I want to express sympathy but tbh that last sentence gave me whiplash

blackbrook ,

Yeah what makes spitting in your child’s face not ok, is kind of orthogonal to strictness.

BoxOfFeet ,

Yeah, she definitely crossed the line that time. It was probably the most mad I have ever seen her. I can’t remember if that was also when she slapped me, or if that was something else. But really, those were the worst instances and the other 98% of my childhood was very good. And we really do have a very good relationship today. I don’t think I deserved it, or any child would deserve that. My schooling was just a hotbutton issue for her, and I pushed it really hard that time.

Naz , (edited )

That’s an interesting hypothesis you’ve cultivated. It needs additional testing, however, I’d like to add on the impact of intergenerational trauma and genetic drift, there’s systemic runoff of abuse which impacts future generations within a specific animal group, resulting in evolutionary and social adaptations.

Enough of these adaptations kill a planet or a species, I’m afraid.

NakariLexfortaine ,

Emotionally manipulated me back into multiple abusive situations to act as her shield, and has refused to so much as acknowledge what was going on. Can’t even have a talk about it, it’s just shut down immediately.

Now she doesn’t even know that she has a daughter instead of a son, and never will.

Nakoichi ,
@Nakoichi@hexbear.net avatar

My mom was so dead set about molding me into her idealized version of a hippie kid that she wouldn’t let me cut my hair as a young child despite the trauma of all the homophobic shit and actual fights I endured in kindergarten.

She to this day refuses to accept her part of responsibility for my complicated relationship with gender and social norms while also robbing me of a somewhat normal childhood even if it was reactionary social pressure that motivated me to want to conform to gender norms.

blackbrook ,

Everyone should get decide what battles they want to fight. Putting your own battles onto a child is not ok.

Accepting a social norm is a healthy approach for things you don’t give a crap about, like say, your hair style or length, and not turning it into a unnecessarily big thing.

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