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DLSantini ,
  • Decades-long crippling social anxiety
  • Money
sparr ,

Finding women for whom my appearance isn’t a dealbreaker. I have moderate to serious rosacea and acne on my face. That filters out 90%+ of women before we even speak to each other.

snownyte ,

I just don't think people like me for me and want to be with me because there's something of me and about me that they want to be around with. I can find something to be attracted to with almost anyone, but for some reason, it's the opposite with me.

dohpaz42 ,
@dohpaz42@lemmy.world avatar

Up until recently, I hadn’t gone out dating in over 15 years. I feel like the thing I struggle with the most is finding people who would be interested in me in a romantic/sexual way. I’m not a social butterfly by any measure, but I am able to put myself out there. I’m also not the type of guy that exudes charisma. I also have a semi-permanent resting bitch face/scowl. And at 6’3” and 260lbs, I feel that intimidate people. If I were with a group of people that I felt comfortable with, I know things would be a lot different. I also tend to overshare. 😉

CanadaPlus ,

And at 6’3” and 260lbs,

Humblebrag.

(Unless you’re a lady, I guess)

Crashumbc ,

Unless he’s a high level athlete, he’s morbidly obese at that weight.

yuuunikki ,

Tbh I just think women would find my hobbies stupid

bionicjoey ,

I’m still figuring all this out but for me the biggest things were:

  • Dating app stuff. What to put in your profile, what to talk about when you match with someone, how to convert a match into an actual date
  • Confidence. After you hit 28 years old and still haven’t been on a single date it starts feeling more and more like there’s something wrong with you. I really had to work hard in therapy to kill that particular demon. The worst part is, you have to kill that demon or nothing will change. You can’t successfully find someone if you believe there is some legitimate problem with you that people won’t accept. And sometimes, there literally is something wrong with you that you need to correct.
  • Socializing. I’m autistic so a lot of the general rules of conversation, particularly how to have the kind of conversation that makes the other person enjoy talking with you, was really hard for me. I’m still working on this one, but at least for the time being I’ve gotten over the hurdle of getting a steady girlfriend.
z3rOR0ne ,

I’m an astoundingly selfish person, and unapologetic about it. Makes for having relationships, romantic or otherwise, pretty much impossible.

I’m middle aged, dated, had relationships in the past, etc., and honestly just don’t have the drive to make relationships work. I do the bare minimum to keep my professional relationships in tact, which honestly is exhausting enough, and otherwise just keep to myself. It’s so much easier than when I was trying so hard to pretend I was interested in where another person was coming from or what they were going through. Now at least that effort ends after I clock out for the day, and there’s less socializing where I work, so there’s less of those kinds of social expectations overall.

synapse3252 ,

Huh, reminds me of myself except the unapologetic part (maybe i’ll change over to that someday). I do feel like the selfish/stubborn part of me is insurmountable and incompatible with the types of relationships i envision for myself. Nothing else to contribute, just here to share my thoughts and/or commiserate

phantomwise ,

Talking to people I don’t know and initiating conversations in general. If the other person doesn’t approach me first, I can’t do it myself. I’m not much into dating, but it’s really inconvenient for socializing in general.

CommissarVulpin ,

I think this is my issue as well. You always hear about how women hate being approached, and I really don’t want to come across as a creep who hits on women in public.

GalacticTaterTot ,

Same. If I could skip the initial dating thing and just have an instant SO that I hang out with and enjoy, I’d be pretty happy. But I’m not good at meeting new people. Plus, after enough failed dates, it gets difficult to justify dumping more time into it. It’s so mentally taxing to find someone, get to know them, meet them (and deal with the amount of anxiety that goes into that whole ordeal), it probably doesn’t work out, repeat and try again. So I just hang out with my cat instead.

MxRemy ,

To all of the people whose reasons are something self-deprecating about their confidence/appearance/personality/etc:

I’ll go on a date with you, if you want! ☺

CommissarVulpin ,

I hate myself, let’s talk!

MxRemy ,

I’m not like a huge fan of myself either, so there, we have a thing in common already lol

dohpaz42 ,
@dohpaz42@lemmy.world avatar

You don’t happen to live in the southeast, do you? 😏

MxRemy ,

Northeast, but I travel southeast usually at least once a year! How’s Lowe Mill in Huntsville sound for a fun date? 😉

dohpaz42 ,
@dohpaz42@lemmy.world avatar

It’s about 7 hours from me, so I’d need some advanced notice. But it’s doable. 😉

MxRemy ,

Sounds like it’s a date!

=°-°=

southsamurai ,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

Ehhh, I’m out of the dating world, so this is all past tense.

But I was the biggest hurdle, with the second biggest being my unwillingness to date assholes.

See, I’m big, which is not a huge hurdle since plenty of women (I’m hetero) like big guys. Power lifting rather than body building, so that cut availability down a little more. I’m also hairy as fuck all. Not necessarily to unusual levels, but definitely towards the high end of things.

Then, I have resting psycho face. When I’m just chilling I look slightly angry. When I’m deep in thought, I look like I’m plotting murder. This is as described by people that love me, so I inconsiderable imagine it’s more severe to others.

In other words, I don’t look approachable. And, in truth, I’m not always. I don’t like crowds, so if I’m at a bar or other casual meeting spot, I’m unlikely to be happy at unexpected contact. Even when that contact is from someone attractive to me, and ready to mingle, so to speak. So I don’t go to those kinds of places on my own impetus, which means pretty much all contact is unexpected.

Then, I would run into the expectations of the typical kind of person that wanted a hookup with sasquatch, which isn’t my preference to begin with.

So my dating was never a random thing where I’d just meet someone and ask them out or get asked out. It was always after some degree of comfort had been established.

So, my biggest hurdle was the need (on multiple levels) to gain enough interaction with someone for there to be a date to begin with.

Not that I lacked such opportunities. Despite being self contained, and introverted by the usual standards, I’m a friendly person and enjoy the company of people I like enough that I can meet new people via old contacts fairly often.

And my main job had me interacting with people other than my patients often enough that I would be able to establish some friendly contact that way too.

But it was a struggle to get past the initial contact and get to dating even then.

Strangely I did do plenty of dating. It just wasn’t an easy thing. Like 8/10 times, it would be someone asking a friend about me rather than anything direct. Knowing me, my friends would kinda screen things out so that the obvious incompatible folks didn’t get disappointed, and that meant the ones that they thought were good matches usually were.

The other 2/10 were usually from work related gatherings or hobby related gatherings.

It was really rare for me to meet and date someone without that kind of slow introduction

CanadaPlus ,

Geographical isolation.

BonesOfTheMoon ,

I haven’t dated in almost thirty years but I think what would be the worst is finding out someone is heavily conservative when you aren’t. Or discovering six months into a nice relationship that he’s a closet antivaxxer or something, basically where you find out something that really goes against your values. Thankfully many of those people are obnoxious and loud.

200ok ,

Agreed. I wish the quiet ones had better ways to find each other. Reminds me of a poem I’ll try to dig up.

200ok ,

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/5a2a9862-c2ef-4c81-847e-b3b77d9d7e1c.png

Slightly different context, I suppose

Tehdastehdas ,
@Tehdastehdas@lemmy.world avatar

OkCupid used to map those important things people don’t talk about via thousands of multiple choice questions, and you used to be able to build a search filter from the answers you’d accept. Then MatchGroup/capitalism/puritans wrecked it. I don’t know if there exists a good dating site anymore.

Pacattack57 ,

Finding things to say is the most difficult. I often get flustered and have nothing to say. Basically become brain dead in front of people in general not just women.

sunzu ,

My dick is too big, I make too much money but I am only 6 foot 2

RBWells ,

Biggest hurdle? My husband.

Joking! Really, I never dated when young, just hung out in groups, right? And there would be hookups and then eventually that leads to some relationships. So I never got the hang of the one-on-one dates.

Even after my big breakup with my ex, didn’t really date because while I intended to, my now husband had other ideas, he had been dating for some years and said he knew when we met what he wanted so it got serious pretty fast.

But as you say it’s hard to meet people - I understand that, I don’t know how young people find people if they aren’t running around in packs like we used to. That network of people who know you, and also know other people, and might introduce you if they think you’d like each other. Dating apps are more like job searching.

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