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jarizleifr

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A Pallas's cat enthusiast and a traditional roguelike nerd from Finland.

For creative pastimes, I write programs, paint with acrylic/gouache, and play the Irish bouzouki. I enjoy long hikes and often lose myself in the wilderness, where the great god Pan illuminates my path.

I cherish the solemn nights of autumn and winter, filling them with dark music and philosophical pursuits.

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undefined_variable , to actuallyautistic
@undefined_variable@mementomori.social avatar

One of my favorite pieces of expression is Henry Rollins' "I know you". During my darkest summer all those years ago it, hearing that opening line for the first time felt like I was walking, as I'm wont to do, my head down in the rain, crying, as I'm wont to do, behind my sunglasses, and a total stranger suddenly grabbing me by my arm, stopping me, gently but firmly... "I know you." If you haven't heard it, I won't spoil it for you, except for one line I'm going to talk about next. Give it a listen but be warned, it can be mighty triggering.

That one line is "The rage that made you stagger".

I cut contact with my family after that same summer. Mostly due to my rage that made me stagger. And I've staggered a lot, before and after that summer.

I've gotten a reputation of being a bit of a hothead. I'm that kid who goes toe-to-toe with that asshole teacher, even being just half his size. I'm the one who has a shouting match with that stickler of a boss in the middle of the office. And I'm the one who gives you a sound verbal trashing when the argument gets heated and you're being an obstinate idiot. Sorry about that, by the way, I'm sure you're a fine person otherwise.

I've been trying to reconnect with my family and just came back after spending a week with them for the first time in over 20 years. And I'm exhausted. I could feel all those same feelings that made me cut contact with them starting to emerge. I made it all the way back to the station before I finally snapped. I just want to get on the train, OK? On the train back I felt dejected, ruminating over it. Nothing's changed. Why do they have to be so pushy all the time, why do I have to keep repeating myself over and over again, why can't a simple "no thanks, I'm fine" suffice, why do I always have to snap before they st...

Rage has been the only way I've gotten people to stop. Rage stops people very efficiently, in fact so efficiently, that at some point my brain just hardwired it there for stopping people; why bother trying to ask and to reason when it's just going to fail, rage will make short work of the situation. Not anger, anger is a catalyst, it allows you to to work on things, change them. Not always for the better, but change they will. Not hate, hate seethes, hate waits, hate destroys slowly and methodically. Rage is the nuclear option. This. Stops. Now.

Compared to that summer all those years ago, this summer I know me. Not that well yet, but a bit at least. Well enough to notice that wiring there, where it's not supposed to be. So, Henry, yeah, you knew me.

@actuallyautistic

jarizleifr ,
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@undefined_variable @actuallyautistic Thanks for sharing and for the Rollins recommendation. I felt very seen while listening to it.

I've also had my share of hotheaded scuffles. I'm also that person who openly berates someone invading my personal space or being arbitrary in their treatment of people. I feel sorry about it afterwards, but deep down I feel that rage and anger had a purpose. Being infinitely polite and patient doesn't work against people who think their bad behavior is normal.

LehtoriTuomo , to actuallyautistic

Someone asked whether I ever played Doom. No, not really. I told that I've never liked first person shooters and then it hit me. I never liked them as there's too much going on. In fact, I've never been a big fan of any types of shooters, the only exception being Cannon Fodder. Now, with the new-found autistic perspective, it makes perfect sense. Sensory overdrive all the time equals no fun. How about my fellow autistics, any fans of shooters?

@actuallyautistic

jarizleifr ,
@jarizleifr@mastodon.social avatar

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic I played plenty of UT99 back in my youth, but I do identify with the notion of "too much going on".

I love games that have extremely deep and complex gameplay, but have simple graphics. Like, I love graphs and grids in games, whether strategy, tactics or role-playing games. I want to have an overview of what is going on, in discrete steps.

Too much eye-candy and I lose track of what is important and what is just visual "noise". ASCII roguelikes are my favorite.

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