Anaterya

undefined_variable , 4 hours ago to actuallyautistic

I just woke up and the first thing I did was, I had a little cry. Been doing that a lot lately. Nothing wrong with that, you cry when you need to, the wrongs, if there are any, are the things that make you cry.

I do that often, cry when I wake up, ever since I was a kid. All those mornings, having to wake up for school, way too early for me, to go to a place where I was an outsider, bullied, harassed by the teachers (No, really, not being hyperbolic or misinterpreting something here, but that's another story, this one's about crying in the mornings, remember?) A place where I was alone among a thousand other kids. I went to a large school back then.

I did that often as A Productive Adult (tm) too. If I wasn't hungover from self-medication, I would often wake up and cry, having to wake up too early for me, to go to a place where I was an outsider, bullied, harassed by bosses (No, really, not being hyperbolic or misinterpreting something here, but that's another story, this one's about crying in the mornings, remember?) A place where I was alone among thousands of other workers. I worked for some large companies back then.

But now I'm neither of those, anymore, and here I am, waking up and having a cry. Granted, I never really grew up, but I did grow old, and after a lot of struggles got finally put on disability pension. I'm An Useless Freeloader (tm) now. I have nowhere to go to be an outsider, still get bullied and harassed by the authorities though (No, really, not being hyperbolic or misinterpreting something here, but jeez, pay attention, this one's about crying in the mornings, how many times I have to tell you that?)

When I was a kid I thought I cried because I was alone and if I only could fix that... Then I learned depression exists, and thought I cried because I was depressed because I was alone, and if I only could fix that... Now I know autistic burnout exists, and I wake up, and I cry because I'm depressed because I'm alone... And I don't know how to fix that.

@actuallyautistic #autism #actuallyautistic

Anaterya , 3 hours ago

@undefined_variable @actuallyautistic
:dragn_heart:

undefined_variable , 6 months ago to actuallyautistic

I'm not sure if this is an autistic thing, but I'd bet it might be...

How many of you restart a game when you fail at something in it, even if you didn't have to. Or when you feel like you made a mistake or a wrong choice or whatnot. And I don't mean just loading the last convenient save, but starting anew all the way from the beginning. I do that, a lot, almost with every game (Yes, even casual ones, I restarted the original Life Is Strange I don't know how many times... You can imagine what a chore it was to get through XCOM, which is one of my favorite series). So instead of playing like 20 hours, I spend easily 80 hours going though the game. Provided that I ever actually finish the game.

Now, here's the kicker... Ready for it? Does that apply to other things in your life too? I just realized today, that for me it does. I get into something, something ungood happens, I drop it, get rid of my "save game" (that is, whatever I have acquired, tangible or intangible for said thing), then take it up again some time later, start from an empty table, other than the experience from the previous try, maybe get a bit further, something happens...

I've done it with trivial things, like learning a new skill I don't really need to survive. Today I realized I've been doing it with something fundamental about myself. And oh my that realization sucks. Unlike my game characters, I don't... I can't start a new game with the game world, or myself, in the same state every time, neatly rolled back in time. For me, a month, or a yeah, or a decade has passed. It is very ungood. I wanna restart and try again.

@actuallyautistic #ActuallyAutistic

Anaterya , 6 months ago

@undefined_variable @actuallyautistic
I do it with games a lot (4X, city builders, all types of games that require planification), but I don't think I do it in my everyday life